Control freak sister driving me NUTS!

LegacyUser · 10-03-2008 06:44PM #1

I have been finding some of my sister’s behaviours to be really REALLY irritating and I’d appreciate anybodies advice on how I ought to (tactfully) bring this up with her. I think a fresh perspective may be exactly what I need here. Her actions are often overly controlling and domineering and the problem with speaking to her directly about this is that she is the sort of person to take offence to ridiculous things, for example, were I to mention that I didn’t like a particular food while she happened to be eating it. (Yes, that really DID happen!) I remember another time she threw the most ridiculous strop in the middle of my kitchen because I said a new top she’d bought wouldn’t be my taste! Because this is the way she reacts to things scarcely worth mentioning I can hear the rumble of thunder already at the idea of my mentioning I have problems with her controlling domineering and downright intrusive behaviour.

So anyway, on to the current issues: The way her head operates, she literally has a problem with people (me in particular, it seems) having opinions that do not coincide with her own. The moment our views diverge on ANY matter I can see the building tension in her face and hear the growing hysteria in her voice and to be honest her behaviour often fills me with nervous tension and I’m sick of it. She has what I believe is a pathological NEED to be right. It doesn’t matter what we’re talking about or even (as has happened) if I have much more experience of a particular issue or in a particular area, she plays out this need to be right buzz to the point of starting an argument (that she maintains is not an argument – while she’s screaming her head off!) which reminds me, she has this awful habit of actually screetching at the top of her voice: ‘Could you lower your voice please? Could you lower your voice please’ over and over in this gratingly fake-arsed genteel accent (as if I didn’t know she was dragged up on a council estate – I was dragged up alongside her) and all this ‘Lower your voice’ crap when her voice is several dozen decibels above my own!

There have just been so many things; I’d be here all day. My younger brother mentioned to me the other day that it pisses him off no end when people try to dictate his life for him. (We were discussing his going to see a careers officer) I said, ‘Well, it's not like that. That's not the attitude you'd get. Nobody likes that’. He said ‘It’s a wonder you’ve any time for our sister so’. I’m relating this so that people reading this post will understand her irrational unacceptable behaviour is commonly acknowledged within the family and it not simply going on in my head. The brother who made that comment literally will have nothing to do with her, refuses even to be in the same room, on the basis of her controlling behaviours. He’s only nineteen though, so I’m hoping things won’t be that way forever. (She, by the way, is in her late twenties.)

I don’t want to make her out to be a demon or anything, because along with her faults she is also very loyal and very kind. She’d walk from here to Belfast on her knees to assist me if she thought I was in trouble and she is my sister so of course I love her. As for all the other stuff; I genuinely think she has serious psychological problems centered around the issue of control and I don’t think she is even aware of the majority of her own behaviour. The times I’ve pointed out things to her which I just haven’t been prepared to accept have inevitably lead to rows and I’m wondering if maybe there’s a different route of approach that I’m not seeing here?

Thanks to anyone who made it this far and sorry about the length of the post – I needed to let it all out and cannot do so to her for all the aforementioned reasons!

(There’s no point suggesting counseling by the way, I know she’d take that as the world’s biggest insult, and I’d be getting instructed to ‘lower my voice’ within minutes! lol)

Quality · 10-03-2008 08:58PM

ITs the famous saying, You can choose your friends but you cant choose your family..

She sounds a bit young and immature.. I am hoping for your sake she will grow up and cop on..

Sometimes my family annoy me, I usually ring my mam and give out a bout them and then I feel better.:D

JuliusCaesar · 10-03-2008 09:06PM

Is this sister older than you? Is she the oldest in the family?

Overheal · 10-03-2008 09:16PM

pissedoffsis wrote: »

I have been finding some of my sister’s behaviours to be really REALLY irritating and I’d appreciate anybodies advice on how I ought to (tactfully) bring this up with her. I think a fresh perspective may be exactly what I need here. Her actions are often overly controlling and domineering and the problem with speaking to her directly about this is that she is the sort of person to take offence to ridiculous things, for example, were I to mention that I didn’t like a particular food while she happened to be eating it. (Yes, that really DID happen!) I remember another time she threw the most ridiculous strop in the middle of my kitchen because I said a new top she’d bought wouldn’t be my taste! Because this is the way she reacts to things scarcely worth mentioning I can hear the rumble of thunder already at the idea of my mentioning I have problems with her controlling domineering and downright intrusive behaviour.

So anyway, on to the current issues: The way her head operates, she literally has a problem with people (me in particular, it seems) having opinions that do not coincide with her own. The moment our views diverge on ANY matter I can see the building tension in her face and hear the growing hysteria in her voice and to be honest her behaviour often fills me with nervous tension and I’m sick of it. She has what I believe is a pathological NEED to be right. It doesn’t matter what we’re talking about or even (as has happened) if I have much more experience of a particular issue or in a particular area, she plays out this need to be right buzz to the point of starting an argument (that she maintains is not an argument – while she’s screaming her head off!) which reminds me, she has this awful habit of actually screetching at the top of her voice: ‘Could you lower your voice please? Could you lower your voice please’ over and over in this gratingly fake-arsed genteel accent (as if I didn’t know she was dragged up on a council estate – I was dragged up alongside her) and all this ‘Lower your voice’ crap when her voice is several dozen decibels above my own!

There have just been so many things; I’d be here all day. My younger brother mentioned to me the other day that it pisses him off no end when people try to dictate his life for him. (We were discussing his going to see a careers officer) I said, ‘Well, it's not like that. That's not the attitude you'd get. Nobody likes that’. He said ‘It’s a wonder you’ve any time for our sister so’. I’m relating this so that people reading this post will understand her irrational unacceptable behaviour is commonly acknowledged within the family and it not simply going on in my head. The brother who made that comment literally will have nothing to do with her, refuses even to be in the same room, on the basis of her controlling behaviours. He’s only nineteen though, so I’m hoping things won’t be that way forever. (She, by the way, is in her late twenties.)

I don’t want to make her out to be a demon or anything, because along with her faults she is also very loyal and very kind. She’d walk from here to Belfast on her knees to assist me if she thought I was in trouble and she is my sister so of course I love her. As for all the other stuff; I genuinely think she has serious psychological problems centered around the issue of control and I don’t think she is even aware of the majority of her own behaviour. The times I’ve pointed out things to her which I just haven’t been prepared to accept have inevitably lead to rows and I’m wondering if maybe there’s a different route of approach that I’m not seeing here?

Thanks to anyone who made it this far and sorry about the length of the post – I needed to let it all out and cannot do so to her for all the aforementioned reasons!

(There’s no point suggesting counseling by the way, I know she’d take that as the world’s biggest insult, and I’d be getting instructed to ‘lower my voice’ within minutes! lol)

...

Thanks to anyone who made it this far and sorry about the length of the post – I needed to let it all out and cannot do so to her for all the aforementioned reasons!

cheers!

You can't pick your family

(edit: crap beaten to it)

I don't know anyone in my family that I would listen to without a pinch of salt (or in some cases a spoon of sugar) and none that I would allow to lecture me. They have the best intentions I'm sure, but no, its just not gonna happen. Sorry. So, you can't really tell your sister anything: she has to learn it, perceivably, for herself.

Can't say I know about sister to sister warfare, but I do have a brother I try to preach to/ explain things sometime. They don't want your criticisms, or your preaching. And nobody likes negative criticism.

Maybe less time destructively criticizing your sister here: 'I hate Onions', 'I wouldnt wear that top', 'that lipstick would make me look like a whore', 'youre doing it wrong', 'I dont like this', 'this is crap', 'that looks stupid'....

Instead, throw out the scoresheet (the one that says who started what first) and move on. Positive reinforcement. Compliments. The art of saying nice things or shutting up. If you dont like their shirt, you dont have to say anything about it. In fact you shouldnt. If they do something nice with their hair, do something neat, etc. Then you should go for that: "your hair looks good that way", "Mmm...Mushrooms", etc. This system works really well when neither of you actively fishes for compliments but its not a requirement. if you dont have something nice to say then shut the hell up.

Also I'm not sure about you girls, but we guys have territories. When I visit my brother, its mostly his turf. When he visits me, its mostly mine. If you are going to go piss on her style of doing things try and remember which lioness den youre in at the time (physically or more often, metaphorically). You're criticizing HER food, HER looks, HER knowledge.

The moment our views diverge on ANY matter I can see the building tension in her face and hear the growing hysteria in her voice and to be honest her behaviour often fills me with nervous tension and I’m sick of it. She has what I believe is a pathological NEED to be right. It doesn’t matter what we’re talking about or even (as has happened) if I have much more experience of a particular issue or in a particular area

Sibling rivalry in a box. Nothing will piss anyone off more than someone trying to grab the upper hand. If you find yourself quoting off your degree/qualifications, you need to re-think the conversation altogether. If she has to be right, let her have the cake.

Clearly the reason you both are fighting is because you havent found your boundaries yet. Like I said, when you attack her looks for example, you are taking her turf. Dont be shocked when she tries to stand her ground. Clearly, she places value on her looks and what she eats, so dont attack her about it. What do you even gain from it? I can see attack her on the "lower your voice thing" but you should exercise caution with things that dont have a direct impact on you.

Ickle Magoo · 10-03-2008 09:22PM

I don't know if your sister has any particular problem with you or not or if it is pretty run of the mill sibling stuff, I'd guess the latter. Either way, you have a choice when she tries to debate or argue with you & that is to stay & engage or walk away.

You say she has a pathological need to be right but in order to show a pathological need to be right, there has to be someone trying equally hard to prove her wrong. Break the cycle & walk away, who cares who's right.

Next time she asks you something make a point of giving a positive response because the examples you give are all you being negative about something she is doing/wearing/saying.

LegacyUser · 11-03-2008 11:21AM

Thanks everyone for the replies. I should clarify that the instances I gave in the first paragraph were not intended to describe the recent behaviour that is driving me 'NUTS' lol; they were intended as examples of how she reacts to any kind of divergence of opinion. I should also point out that she ASKED me directly what I thought of her new top. I didn't say 'it's fukin horrible' I said 'Ah, it wouldn't be my type of thing' - to which she started all this mad eyebrow-jiggling 'What do you mean - what do you mean'??? crap.

Also, the food thing; she was eating one of those cardboard jobbies, rice cakes I think they're called, and it just flew out of my mouth - 'Jaysus, I hate them yokes'. And she just went BALLISTIC!!! And you know, I remember a time before that when she called round to my place and I'd ordered an Indian before she got there and when it arrived she went on and on about how much she hated Indian food. I remember saying to her; 'I always would have picked Chinese over Indian before I got into it, but I love it now'. It didn't even cross my mind to be annoyed about that, and why the fuk would it? Why would I be bothered by anyone not liking what I happened to be about to eat? It's like, the same rules that apply to me don't apply to her i.e. it's perfectly fine for her to make a comment like that (and so it should be) but it's an appalling comment - when it comes out of my mouth!

As to the more recent issues: a couple of weeks back she was spending the night at my place and my key had gone for a hop. She decided (in her drunken wisdom) to secure the door by tying the flex of my new Parlux hairdryer (that I'd just spent a fortune on in the salon suppliers) around the handle of the door. I untied it and said 'I'll jam it with a chair or something, I don't want to leave that there because my bf will be coming round early in the morning and he'll try the handle so that could damage the flex' - well, needless to say, ballistic, again. She fumed out of the room with steam coming out of her ears, slamming doors and crashing up the stairs and all that sort of childish shyte.

Someone asked about our ages: She's in her late twenties and I'm a couple of years older than her. She is like this with everybody in the family but seems to have a particular issue with me. She's also had these type of run-ins with friends of hers. Also, Overheal, thank you for your long response; I don't know how I gave you the impression I make a habit of criticizing her looks though; I've never criticized her looks in my life. Firstly she's a very pretty girl so there'd be nothing to criticize, and even if there was I wouldn't dream of doing that because A - I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings and B - what with how super sensitive she is it'd be more that your life'd be worth!

These type of things are in danger of happening almost EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE HER, and the reason why they often don't is because I usually see them coming and head them off at the pass by keeping my mouth shut or telling deliberate lies in order to avoid them. It's a stressful pain in the arse and it's gotten to the point that I am wanting to see less and less of her because of it, and it is damaging our relationship, and I don't want that. I COULDN'T COUNT the times I've bit my lip in her company for the sake of a peaceful life. EVERYTHING with her is a walking-on-eggshells experience and as I've said it creates a lot of nervous tension in me and I really feel it's come to the point where she needs to recognise her own irrationality because I don't know how much more of this our relationship can take.

Overheal · 11-03-2008 04:18PM

pissedoffsis wrote: »

Overheal, thank you for your long response; I don't know how I gave you the impression I make a habit of criticizing her looks though; I've never criticized her looks in my life. Firstly she's a very pretty girl so there'd be nothing to criticize, and even if there was I wouldn't dream of doing that because A - I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings and B - what with how super sensitive she is it'd be more that your life'd be worth!

Ah no worries. I have a sister I don't see very often and while I would never do anything but praise the poor thing she is overly sensitive about her self image even though shes a proud addition to the family. I had her in mind when making the post and I went overboard on referencing the top thing.

Sounds like the same thing here: its all in their head. Rice cakes? Blech. Try this **** it'll sort the kid out in anyone.

Oh yeah now I remember why I don't talk to my little sister: she's a fuse too

you can't tell her anything either and just about anything you do pisses her off. I think I went through the trial by fire though... she had to go a week without cigarettes while she came to visit me and my dad: the term bloody murder has new meaning for me.

It clearly seems to be a girl thing but in her case she is 18; so it probably runs down to maturity issues. The only thing that works for me is being nice. Anything remotely negative and yeah, they'll obsess over it, because they either have no confidence or they think youre out to get them. Or both.

But I only have to deal with my sister for a month of every year... though I imagine the stress must build up to intolerable levels. I had to spend a full day with mine in SeaWorld. SEA WORLD. The happiest place any girl could ever want to go! YOU PET DOLPHINS. But all they do is bitch and moan and moan and by the end of the day I just lost it with her and then she attacked me and it just went very south... stupid bystanders thought I was her abusive boyfriend or something.

But after we had a volcanic row, within 2 hours we both saw the error of our ways and to date its kinda stood as our Cuban Missile Crisis.

Is your sister blonde too or something

despite her own maturity which she has to develop herself all you can do is re-establish your boundaries. Don't be surprised if you have to change them around quite often either. Worth it though for the peace and the sanity.

Control freak sister driving me NUTS!

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