Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest

Fighting but its his birthday tommorow?? What to do?

  • 23-08-2008 07:47PM
    #1
    ash_78
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭


    Hi guys,

    I have a bit of a problem, me and my boyfriend of four years are fighting.
    He has been secretive with his phone, and turned it off when he was staying, I questioned him and asked him to show me his phone and he was like "I have nothing to prove to you, you dont trust me your paranoid bla bla"
    and so it went on.... I havent talked to him since thursday, and its his birthday 2moro, i feel bad coz i always like to make a big deal of his birthday, but i dont feel like i should be the first to make the first move.

    What shall I do regarding his birthday?
    Txt, card, give him the present i got him, or do nothing???

    Help!

    Thanx :(


Comments

  • #2
    Trinity
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,662 ✭✭✭Trinity


    ash_78 wrote: »
    Hi guys,

    I have a bit of a problem, me and my boyfriend of four years are fighting.
    He has been secretive with his phone, and turned it off when he was staying, I questioned him and asked him to show me his phone and he was like "I have nothing to prove to you, you dont trust me your paranoid bla bla"
    and so it went on.... I havent talked to him since thursday, and its his birthday 2moro, i feel bad coz i always like to make a big deal of his birthday, but i dont feel like i should be the first to make the first move.

    What shall I do regarding his birthday?
    Txt, card, give him the present i got him, or do nothing???

    Help!




    Thanx :(

    Is this the only reason you have to ask for his phone or has he been displaying other signs of cheating?

    If you have accused him in the wrong he will be very angry and the best present you could give him is an apology and the words I trust you.

    If you dont trust him and have other clues as to him cheating well thats another matter and you will have to address these first.


  • #3
    G86
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,660 ✭✭✭G86


    Call him, don't text.

    If its a trivial argument then it would be stupid to have it ruin his birthday, and if its more serious then you need to call him and sort it out anyway.

    Stubborness never solved anything.


  • #4
    ash_78
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭ash_78


    well, he went out a about a week and half ago and has been acting weird since, other than that. nothing really.

    I just didnt like his response to me asking for his phone, if he had nothing to hide why wud he not just show it to me, he looks through my phone all the time, and ocasionally i'll browse through his.

    I just dont get why he's been secretive with it.

    I wanna trust him, but im having some doubts..


  • #5
    Davei141
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,541 ✭✭✭Davei141


    Get in touch and do whatever you did for his last few birthdays, if its dragged out your going to feel real bad.

    On another point, i wouldnt read into turning the phone off as something bad...I would of thought the opposite?


  • #6
    Loopy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,220 ✭✭✭✭Loopy


    A difficult one - if he is innocent why does he not show you his phone? Ok, I know from his point of view that if he is why should he...

    Generally though, when a woman has a gut feeling about something they are right (speaking from past experience here).

    Call him and arrange to talk/meet - just talk openly about it and you will get a sense of whats going on..

    Good luck.....:)


  • Advertisement
  • #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Him turning off the phone wasnt a smart move on his behalf but u dont know what his reason for doing it was and you then accusing him prob got his back up and he refused to show you out of stubborness....
    putting that aside...if you want to stay wth ur bf then someone is eventually gonna ave to swallow their pride..it is his birthday and 4 years is a long time to let not recognising his birthday ruin ur relationship. Maybe this will be the best thing for ye having some reason to make up for.
    Basically it depends on how much you want your relship to work out. If you do want to continue then swallo ur pride...hard i know


  • #8
    Trinity
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,662 ✭✭✭Trinity


    ash_78 wrote: »
    well, he went out a about a week and half ago and has been acting weird since, other than that. nothing really.

    I just didnt like his response to me asking for his phone, if he had nothing to hide why wud he not just show it to me, he looks through my phone all the time, and ocasionally i'll browse through his.

    I just dont get why he's been secretive with it.

    I wanna trust him, but im having some doubts..

    Can i ask why you look through each others phones in the first place?

    Some people find this totally unacceptable and the only reason i would be looking through someones phone to be honest was if i was trying to find something. Maybe he just realises its an invasion of privacy, maybe he mentioned it to someone that you do this and he got a slagging over it, no one really knows whats going on but if you want to find out you must speak to him in a calm and mature fashion. Not talking or ignoring each other is not going to iron these problems out or take away the doubts you are having

    Did you talk to him about his change in behaviour? 4 years is a long time to go out with someone and for it to finish over this would be somewhat of a shame really.

    No one here can really answer your question OP but you really have to talk to him about whats on your mind.


  • #9
    G86
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,660 ✭✭✭G86


    ash_78 wrote: »
    well, he went out a about a week and half ago and has been acting weird since, other than that. nothing really.

    I just didnt like his response to me asking for his phone, if he had nothing to hide why wud he not just show it to me, he looks through my phone all the time, and ocasionally i'll browse through his.

    I just dont get why he's been secretive with it.

    I wanna trust him, but im having some doubts..

    But why are you looking through each others phones at all? I've never understood this, I've never gone out with someone I didn't trust, why would you be with them at all if you don't trust them?

    He has a right to be annoyed that you don't trust him, you have a right to be annoyed that he has been behaving strangely with you the last while, so what you need to do is sit down and talk about it. No one here knows whats going on in his head, and you won't know either until you ask him.

    So turn off your computer and call him.


  • #10
    marti101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 954 ✭✭✭marti101


    I think in any long term relationship there has to be trust.If you have been lookng through each others phones and its never been a problem why now THE SUDDEN CHANGE.iYT DOESNT MAKE SENSE.iF ON THE OTHER HAND YOU NEVER LOOKED AT EACH OTHER PHONES AND ALL OF A SUDDEN DEMANDED HIS PHONE THATS ANOTHER THING ENTIRELY.Talk it out and see what he says but dont ruin the birthday over a misunderstanding.


  • #11
    ash_78
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭ash_78


    G86 wrote: »
    But why are you looking through each others phones at all? I've never understood this, I've never gone out with someone I didn't trust, why would you be with them at all if you don't trust them?

    He has a right to be annoyed that you don't trust him, you have a right to be annoyed that he has been behaving strangely with you the last while, so what you need to do is sit down and talk about it. No one here knows whats going on in his head, and you won't know either until you ask him.

    So turn off your computer and call him.

    coz we share everything, we're very together and he knows everything about me and my life and I know everything about his. Its not about lack of trust, its just about sitting at home on the couch, just laughin at funny txt he was sent or sumthing like that

    I am being a bit paranoid, but I cant help but wonder why he wudnt show me his phone when thats what we do..

    I cant call him coz hes in work till finish, im in work 2moro 11-7 and hes in work 4-10???


  • Advertisement
  • #12
    Trinity
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,662 ✭✭✭Trinity


    ash_78 wrote: »
    coz we share everything, we're very together and he knows everything about me and my life and I know everything about his. Its not about lack of trust, its just about sitting at home on the couch, just laughin at funny txt he was sent or sumthing like that

    I am being a bit paranoid, but I cant help but wonder why he wudnt show me his phone when thats what we do..

    I cant call him coz hes in work till finish, im in work 2moro 11-7 and hes in work 4-10???

    You have to make the time ash. Text him and tell him you need to talk to him can he call you when hes finished or in the morning before you start work.

    Only you know him. He could have just been in a strop that night, tired, moody etc. But there is only one way to find out eh!

    I dont like using the word paranoid. WHen you are with someone 4 years and are close, you do of course notice little changes in them. But it doesnt always have to mean cheating so try not to think the worst. But do listen to your instincts that something is up and discuss it with him.

    But never go into a conversation making accusations. There could be a perfectly reasonable explanation.

    Or wait til midnight and text happy birthday, i miss you, can we talk (or something like that) to break the ice and see how it goes from there.


  • #13
    G86
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,660 ✭✭✭G86


    ash_78 wrote: »
    coz we share everything, we're very together and he knows everything about me and my life and I know everything about his. Its not about lack of trust, its just about sitting at home on the couch, just laughin at funny txt he was sent or sumthing like that

    I am being a bit paranoid, but I cant help but wonder why he wudnt show me his phone when thats what we do..

    I cant call him coz hes in work till finish, im in work 2moro 11-7 and hes in work 4-10???


    Ok, so you didn't ask him for his phone because you were pissed off, you asked him in a Jokey way? Was for example him talking about a funny text and you saying' Oh here show me' ?If thats the case then thats different, and yes its a bit odd that he wouldn't show it you. Can you arrange to meet him after he finishes work tomorrow? I think that'd be the best thing to do to be honest. There is no point texting him now if his minds not on it. Edited to say you should send him a happy birthday text though, and just ask can you talk when he finishes up.


  • #14
    ash_78
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭ash_78


    I think i'll txt him in the morning, just a simple happy birthday, have a good day. Then I will collect him from work at 10 in my car. Try and sort things out. But I dont feel I should apologise and it seems like I am giving in... but i cant ruin his birthday. He will probably ask for an apology for not trusting him, but i still dont know if there was nothing on that phone. I dont get why he cudnt just be like here, look theres nothing on it. Then i wouldve looked a sap and i wouldve had to apologise..Id rather look like an idiot that have doubts


  • #15
    pookie82
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,217 ✭✭✭pookie82


    The problem here is that they were in a relationship where there was never any secrecy regarding phones etc. it doesn't matter what other people think about looking at one another's phones in a relationship. Some couples do it all the time without issue. The problem here is that he put a sudden stop to it without explanation, went as far as switching off his phone while staying at hers, and when asked about it accused her of being paranoid etc and made out that she was the problem. If this guy was totally innocent (and he could be) and just suddenly decided that she was no longer allowed to look at his phone, why not just tell her why? Why accuse her of being paranoid and make out it's all her fault when it's HIM that's changing a four year old routine without an explanation? And the biggest question for me is why let a number of days pass without them speaking over this rather than just giving her a straight explanation as to why the phone is now out of bounds. I'd be quite concerned that he's allowing such a serious fight to ensue when realistically, it could be resolved by showing you the phone and its innocent contents. And then explaining that hiding it does not mean he's cheating, and ask you to respect his privacy in future.

    OP I don't think you should ignore his birthday. If I were you I'd prob pick him up, ask him to forget about the fight for the night and have a good evening. His birthday is not the day to have this out. but i wouldn't let it lie forever if he's acting very suspicious.


  • #16
    MugMugs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,875 ✭✭✭✭MugMugs


    So did you call him ? :)


  • #17
    RedXIV
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,516 ✭✭✭RedXIV


    Bit of general advice i'd recommend here. I was once told "never go to bed angry with the one you love". Leaving things to stew very rarely gives good results, and a relationship with two people this stubborn would worry me. Also, the idea of giving in here that your feeling? yeah that should be addressed. People shouldn't "give in" when it comes to disagreements like this, it should be discussed and worked out. prevents it cropping up in the future :)

    Just my two cents anyway....


Advertisement