First year in college pregnant 'virgin'

LegacyUser · 09-12-2008 11:27PM #1

Hi
I started college last September and at that time I was a virgin. Being young and stupid I thought I should lose my virginity and slept with a boy I was in school with in October. Ive slept with one other boy since then and now just found out Im pregnant. I know it is the second boy that is my childs father, but I am ashamed to say that I dont really know him that well so what should I do? I thought I would be more desperate on hearing such news but a baby can only bring joy into the world.....I hope

Nevyn · 10-12-2008 12:06AM

http://www.positiveoptions.ie/index.php

Get in touch with people who you can talk to about this.

Bob the Builder · 10-12-2008 12:22AM

Thats pretty tough on you.

You'll get further with family and friends by being upfront and honest - especially now that you're going to need all the support you can get for your new child. Telling them the truth, in confidence, will get you a lot further than telling them and telling yourself lies for the rest of your life just because you feel ashamed.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 10-12-2008 12:29AM

Tell they guy. He'll probably want you to have an abortion so be prepared for that

m5ex9oqjawdg2i · 10-12-2008 02:42AM

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Tell they guy. He'll probably want you to have an abortion so be prepared for that

Don't encourage death, jeeeeez louise....

Well tell the guy at least. He deserves to know and partake somewhat in any decisions you need to make. You can still go to college too as some may provide childcare

artyeva · 10-12-2008 02:49AM

tell the father as soon as you can. bring someone along with you if you need the support, but above all you should be honest - with him, yourself and (eventually) your child. he may not react by jumping for joy but at least you've been honest with him from the start.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 10-12-2008 02:51AM

Brady Incalculable Gingersnap wrote: »

Don't encourage death, jeeeeez louise....

Well tell the guy at least. He deserves to know and partake somewhat in any decisions you need to make. You can still go to college too as some may provide childcare

are you being sarcastic? I don't see how I encouraged anything.

Overheal · 10-12-2008 03:04AM

Aaaaanyway, talk to they boy-daddy as he deserves to know. Its good that you're calm. Just remember there is a mountain of support available to you through professional services, college affiliates, friends and family.

Firetrap · 10-12-2008 09:37AM

Tell the father. Perhaps he'll run a mile. Perhaps he'll stand by you. He deserves to know he has a child.

Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean the end of the world. Of course you'll also have to tell your parents. They might well be shocked but they'll come around.

When she was in college, my cousin had a baby by a guy she barely knew. He ran a mile but her family rallied around her and gave her great support. She did take a year out of college when the kid was a baby but she went back and got her degree and a good job after that.

I'd advise you to talk to Positive Options. I don't know what college you're going to but the one my cousin went to strongly recommended her to have an abortion. Now, I'm not going to moralise on abortion (that's a can of worms that should not be opened here) but you'd be much better off getting more neutral advice.

Terpsichore · 10-12-2008 10:45AM

Talk to Positive Options
Leave your family on the side for the moment; they might just make things more difficult for you.

You will get all kind of advice from everywhere and from everybody, but you need to take a very important decision now, which result will be with you for the rest of your life.

There is what people think and believe, and there are government laws.
BUT first of all there are YOU.
Know that you are in a very powerful situation.
Know that you don’t have weeks or months to take a decision.
Know that if you and the father are not ready to start a family now, you have the power to postpone this for both of you.
Know that you can decide to start a family later with the man you love.
I suggest that you make an internet search about reasons why women around the world decide to postpone pregnancy.

Finally, if you really want to start a family now, you also have that power.

All the best OP.

Irlbo · 10-12-2008 11:54AM

Sorry can I just ask,did you not use proctection?,do you not know the implications of sleeping around?and are you positive the second chap is the father if you slept with someone before him only a short time ago?,Its a tough situation,and its going to affect your whole life,so be prepared,college will probably go on the backburner,nappies and midnight feeds will be your biggest concern,tell the person you think is the father,make him accept his responsibility,tell the other fellow aswell,you never know,I would like to fell sorry for you,but you brought this on yourself,your a big girl doing big girl things,you'll have to deal with this like a big girl,when you sleep around you have to accept the consequences,the risk of pregnancy is great,and its happened to you,deal with it,for your unborn childs sake

Terpsichore · 10-12-2008 12:05PM

Irlbo wrote: »

Sorry can I just ask,did you not use proctection?,do you not know the implications of sleeping around?

I really don't think that this type of condensending questioning will help the OP taking one of the most important decision of her life.

Irlbo wrote: »

and are you positive the second chap is the father if you slept with someone before him only a short time ago?,Its a tough situation,and its going to affect your whole life,so be prepared,college will probably go on the backburner,nappies and midnight feeds will be your biggest concern,tell the person you think is the father,make him accept his responsibility,tell the other fellow aswell,you never know,I would like to fell sorry for you,but you brought this on yourself,your a big girl doing big girl things,you'll have to deal with this like a big girl,when you sleep around you have to accept the consequences,

That's exactly why maybe the OP wants to keep all this for herself and deal with it all by herself. Don't think that there is much point of alarming a poor clueless chap if the OP isn't going to go ahead with the pregnancy.

Irlbo wrote: »

the risk of pregnancy is great,and its happened to you,deal with it,for your unborn childs sake

Don't worry OP, think about yourself first.

shellyboo · 10-12-2008 12:28PM

Irlbo wrote: »

Sorry can I just ask,did you not use proctection?,do you not know the implications of sleeping around?

So two partners now constitutes sleeping around? Give me a break.

OP, don't beat yourself up - mistakes were made and accidents happen. It sounds like you're leaning towards keeping the baby (as you say a baby can only bring joy) and I hope you're comfortable that's the right decision for you... but I would still advise you to talk to someone impartial, Positive Options is a great service, just to work it through in your head. Then, when you're sure of your decision, you need to tell the father.

He may or may not want to hang around, he may ask you to have a termination, he may freak out but come crawling back - but once you have come to terms with your own decision, whatever he says is not going to matter. Once that's settled, tell your family - I'm sure they'll be supportive.

professorpete · 10-12-2008 12:28PM

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Tell they guy. He'll probably want you to have an abortion so be prepared for that

:mad:Nice....real nice

Irlbo wrote: »

Sorry can I just ask,did you not use proctection?,do you not know the implications of sleeping around?.....

I would like to fell sorry for you,but you brought this on yourself,your a big girl doing big girl things,you'll have to deal with this like a big girl,when you sleep around you have to accept the consequences,the risk of pregnancy is great,and its happened to you,deal with it,for your unborn childs sake

What's that about/how is that helpful, lecturing a girl who's just found out the "consequences" of having sex? I think she now knows how babies are made..and I think from her post it looks like she is trying to find a way of dealing with it...

Unregistered wrote: »

I thought I would be more desperate on hearing such news but a baby can only bring joy into the world.....I hope

OP you sound mature for your age in this respect; most people of starting-college age would implode on finding out they're pregnant; so I say, talk to family and close friends, it may come as a surprise but family are there to support and help, keep the chin up and best of luck!

Brian_Uckfast · 10-12-2008 12:31PM

Go rent Knocked Up!!!

Irlbo · 10-12-2008 12:40PM

Terpsichore wrote: »

I really don't think that this type of condensending questioning will help the OP taking one of the most important decision of her life.

That's exactly why maybe the OP wants to keep all this for herself and deal with it all by herself. Don't think that there is much point of alarming a poor clueless chap if the OP isn't going to go ahead with the pregnancy.

Don't worry OP, think about yourself first.

So your encouraging abortion or advising the option of abortion?,I personnally abhor abortion and regard it as legalised murder,this girl was willing to have sex with different partners,most likely not using protection,and it not surprising has ended up pregnant,its selfish for her to automatically go for abortion,its not the childs fault it was concieved by casual sex,the OP said herself she intended on having sex to lose her virginity,the girl should grow up and take responsibilty for her actions,ideally having this child and turning this bad situation into a good one,by bringing a beutiful child into the world and rearing it herself,in regards the father,both men(boys by the sound of it) should be made aware there is a chance that one of them is the father of this child,and when the childs born,do the test and determine who it is,make the father responsible,its messy but in the end,when you see your childs beutiful face,you'll know it all be worth it

Dudess · 10-12-2008 12:51PM

OP, just have a serious think through your options but as you know, you can't hold out for too long before making a decision. You may not feel ready for a baby and you should not feel ashamed for thinking this way. Don't listen to pro-lifers, they're not in your shoes. However, I'm not simply advocating abortion. Seriously consider the option of keeping the baby too.

And Irlbo, no point in the moralising and the judging and telling the OP what she should/shouldn't have done in the past. It's useless to her now unless she somehow figures out how to travel back in time.

TouchingVirus · 10-12-2008 12:53PM

If you're going to tell the father, you'd want to be sure who the father is first of all. Unless you had protected sex with the first guy or he is sterile, it can just as easily be him that's the father and not the second guy.

And lets be honest here pro-lifers, and without getting to an argument on abortion because this isn't the place for it, most guys who are in first year in college are around 18 years old. The OP doesn't say how old she is but I'd say she too is pretty young because she had sex just to lose her virginity and didn't use protection with either male. Most lads around 18 years of age will run a mile from a pregnant girl who was a one-night stand or a quick fling. They'll view it as a mistake and look for the quickest way out (i.e. abortion). It's not a crime to suggest to the OP that she should be prepared for that outcome, nor is it supporting that decision.

IMO the first thing you need to decide OP is whether or not to tell the two guys they might be the father and see if they want to be involved in the decision as to the babies future.

Following on from that, get some help and decide if you want to keep the baby - Positive Options was already suggested a load of times so go with that.

If you decide to keep the child, then tell your family/friends and let them support your decision whatever that may be, it's not our place to tell you to keep or abort the baby.

Best of luck, whatever you decide

Silverfish · 10-12-2008 12:59PM

Brian_Uckfast wrote: »

Go rent Knocked Up!!!

Please read the charter in relation to unhelpful posting in this forum.

Terpsichore · 10-12-2008 01:04PM

Irlbo wrote: »

Sorry can I just ask,did you not use proctection?,do you not know the implications of sleeping around?and are you positive the second chap is the father if you slept with someone before him only a short time ago?,Its a tough situation,and its going to affect your whole life,so be prepared,college will probably go on the backburner,nappies and midnight feeds will be your biggest concern,tell the person you think is the father,make him accept his responsibility,tell the other fellow aswell,you never know,I would like to fell sorry for you,but you brought this on yourself,your a big girl doing big girl things,you'll have to deal with this like a big girl,when you sleep around you have to accept the consequences,the risk of pregnancy is great,and its happened to you,deal with it,for your unborn childs sake

Irlbo wrote: »

So your encouraging abortion or advising the option of abortion?,

What I am encouraging, is full knowledge of her options. I am encouraging the OP to take her own decision, which obviously is really difficult in such a situation, especially when this type of comments are made to her.
It's not a question of personal point of view, or government point of view here. Nobody is telling you how to live your life. The OP says that she is lost, and it would be criminal, in 2008, to offer her only one side of the story or a narrow minded point of view.

Irlbo wrote: »

I personnally abhor abortion and regard it as legalised murder,

That's your point of view, and that's only that. It doesn't mean that other people must do as you say or think.

Irlbo wrote: »

this girl was willing to have sex with different partners,most likely not using protection,and it not surprising has ended up pregnant,its selfish for her to automatically go for abortion,its not the childs fault it was concieved by casual sex,the OP said herself she intended on having sex to lose her virginity,the girl should grow up and take responsibilty for her actions,ideally having this child and turning this bad situation into a good one,by bringing a beutiful child into the world and rearing it herself,in regards the father,both men(boys by the sound of it) should be made aware there is a chance that one of them is the father of this child,and when the childs born,do the test and determine who it is,make the father responsible,its messy but in the end,when you see your childs beutiful face,you'll know it all be worth it

I think we're done with the Magdalena's style in this country. Or are we?

Irlbo · 10-12-2008 01:20PM

To throw in my own 2 cents and where Im coming from,I got my girlfriend pregnant when I was 18,I was in my prime and had everything ahead of me,it was a huge thing at the time and of course I freaked out,I was terrified telling my parents,but I told my dad,and was surprised by his response,he said ''it will be tough son,but from my view,I had you when I was in my mid-forties,and one of my biggest regrets is that I got old when you were young,and never had the energy to do things with you',this put everything into a positive light for me and my girlfriend,we moved in together and had the baby,and it was the best thing that ever happened us,such an amazing experience,Im not big religous pro life head,Im just a life head,its not as hard as what everyones going to make it out to be,its great being a young mam and dad,our daughter thinks Im a big kid and we do everything together,sure there are things I missed out on and that upsets me the odd time,but when I look at her face I realise I did the right thing,wouldnt change it for anything

Dudess · 10-12-2008 01:27PM

Well I genuinely think that is a great story and I'm glad it worked out so well for you, but remember, your situation is not representative of everyone else's. And the OP isn't in a relationship... you were.

Terpsichore · 10-12-2008 01:52PM

Agreed with Dudess.
Life has given you a path and it's working out very well for you. It's fantastic you have children you love and who love you.
Your story might help the OP in the right way for her. Thank you for sharing it. That could be helpful indeed.

There are other stories where married couples get pregnant but decide it's too early for them. Or that it's too much. Or whatever the reason: it's up to each individual to decide for themselves.

It's also good for a child to hear that he/she was wanted by two willing people and that he/she wasn't the fruit of a stupid mistake. The implications are too great for three people in their lives (parents + child). And that's worth thinking about NOW, especially when you are so young like the OP. Did she plan to study long term? Was she planning a year away maybe? Did she ever wanted kids?

There is so much to be taken into account here. And only the OP knows what is be best for her, her family, and her future family.

Irlbo · 10-12-2008 02:02PM

Dudess wrote: »

Well I genuinely think that is a great story and I'm glad it worked out so well for you, but remember, your situation is not representative of everyone else's. And the OP isn't in a relationship... you were.

I understand that,but if I can do it,so can anybody,I know it sounds cheesey but I strongly believe that,you need to see the child to realise how special it is,forget all the crap that surrounds an unwanted pregnancy,'your life is ruined','you can never get a good career',its all garbbage,it gives your life so much meaning

I know the OP is not in a relationship,but there girls out there who have had children on their own probably younger and worse off and they can manage,theres an adequate welfare system in place for single mothers,alls not lost,I think the modern day 'positive options' thinking of today is just as facist as the old-fashioned pro life thinking,abortion isnt the answer to any unwanted pregnancy,trust me,you dont want a babies death on your consciense forever,not knowing what might have been

cornbb · 10-12-2008 02:03PM

I hope this thread doesn't turn into a pro-life vs. pro-choice debate. I don't think it should even be mentioned unless she asks for it tbh. If the OP wants to consider that option then she should decide herself without having to listen to such a debate here.

Its a tough situation to be in for sure. She's only young, she'll need to grow up very quickly for sure. But maybe this will turn out to be a very joyous thing in the long run. Tell the father, he has a right to know and maybe he can offer some sort of support. If not then shame on him, but tell him anyway. Don't be afraid to lean on your family, they are a valuable asset in times like this. Decide what your priorities are, be prepared to make sacrifices etc. Best of luck.

Dudess · 10-12-2008 02:21PM

Irlbo wrote: »

I understand that,but if I can do it,so can anybody,I know it sounds cheesey but I strongly believe that,you need to see the child to realise how special it is,forget all the crap that surrounds an unwanted pregnancy,'your life is ruined','you can never get a good career',its all garbbage,it gives your life so much meaning

Again, not always the case. Some mothers of any age find it an extremely difficult time - and they aren't even post-natal depression cases (I'm referring specifically to mothers here because I'm considering the OP). I think all the cliches about how wonderful it is are actually the garbage. A lot of parents find it an amazing, fantastic time of course though. Depends on the person.

I know the OP is not in a relationship,but there girls out there who have had children on their own probably younger and worse off and they can manage

And many who can't.

I think the modern day 'positive options' thinking of today is just as facist as the old-fashioned pro life thinking,abortion isnt the answer to any unwanted pregnancy,trust me,you dont want a babies death on your consciense forever,not knowing what might have been

If it feels like the right decision at the time, then the girl should not be burdened with guilt.

Irlbo · 10-12-2008 02:38PM

As a father,its hard to answer this problem,without sounding pro-life,I really cant stomach any talk of abortion,I really cant understand how people could consider it or be advised it as an option,so for now I think I'll stop contributing to this thread for fear of sounding judgemental and closed minded,wish the OP best of luck,hope she makes right decision

Motley Crue · 10-12-2008 03:18PM

I think you need to calmy discuss this with Positive Options, as advised, and then discuss it with your parents or guardians if they are in the picture. You also need to discuss it with the potential father, or fathers, and get their advice

Beruthiel · 10-12-2008 03:38PM

Irlbo wrote: »

So your encouraging abortion or advising the option of abortion?

Did the OP suggest that is what they are doing? Has this anything to do with the OP's original comments in this thread?
Please stick to the topic at hand.

I personnally abhor abortion and regard it as legalised murder

And we're not interested in your off topic comments. Take it to Humanities where there are many threads on that particular subject.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 10-12-2008 04:03PM

professorpete wrote: »

:mad:Nice....real nice

Relax mate. I only said be prepared because the OP sounds like she wants to keep her child. Given the circumstances I think it's highly likely the father will want to have an abortion and that could come as a shock to the OP, therefore I think it's best she's ready for that, might even stop her getting pressurised into an abortion. So despite what you thought I was being nice!

Irlbo · 10-12-2008 04:05PM

Beruthiel wrote: »

Did the OP suggest that is what they are doing? Has this anything to do with the OP's original comments in this thread?
Please stick to the topic at hand.

And we're not interested in your off topic comments. Take it to Humanities where there are many threads on that particular subject.

No the above was in regards terpsichores comments about abortion as an option,so wasnt in regards the OPs opening thread,and regarding my views on abortion,as I said my personal opinion,same could be said for people offering abortion as an option,my opinion of abortion comes from my own personel experience which I find revelant to the OHs thread,do peoples responses on threads have to fit your preference,anything that doesnt do you give infractions

Beruthiel · 10-12-2008 04:11PM

Irlbo banned for a week for continuing to go off topic and arguing with a mod in thread.

wolfpawnat · 10-12-2008 05:02PM

Hey OP, I am in college and am 7 and a half months pregnant, I have been with the babies dad for the last 2 years so I am a little different, but my advice would be;

Tell a genuine friend/family member. Someone who wont jump off the handle straight away and who will not judge you regardless of what decision you decide is right for you.

Look at all the options available, and decide what YOU want to do. You will need to talk to a GP regardless as all major decisions you need to keep an eye on your health. College and pregnancy do take their toll on your body. Believe me!

If you decide to keep the baby or put it up for adoption, tell your family and I mean TELL them, if you show you have a plan of action, when they get over the initial shock they will respect your decision:)

Good luck and PM if you want to chat:)

LegacyUser · 13-12-2008 12:54AM

Hi everyone

This is OP. Thanks so much for all the advice, althought I would prefer if it did not decend into a debate on pro-life/abortion issues. I know I was stupid, I know how babies are made, I really just wanted to find out if I could even at this stage view this as a positive experience. Even if it wasnt clear in my last post I had already decided abortion was not for me (although I have absolutely no problems with those who chose that route). I am worried about managing my college work and having a baby, but I will manage, I hope. Im just living from day to day at the moment. Thanks for the advice re Positive Options...I will check it out but its as if I just want to keep it to myself at the moment...I cant really explain why

Terpsichore · 13-12-2008 09:52PM

Thanks for letting us know OP. So I believe congratulations are in order! Good luck for this amazing adventure and all the best to you and your family.

rainbow kirby · 13-12-2008 11:31PM

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi everyone

This is OP. Thanks so much for all the advice, althought I would prefer if it did not decend into a debate on pro-life/abortion issues. I know I was stupid, I know how babies are made, I really just wanted to find out if I could even at this stage view this as a positive experience. Even if it wasnt clear in my last post I had already decided abortion was not for me (although I have absolutely no problems with those who chose that route). I am worried about managing my college work and having a baby, but I will manage, I hope. Im just living from day to day at the moment. Thanks for the advice re Positive Options...I will check it out but its as if I just want to keep it to myself at the moment...I cant really explain why

OP - I wish you all the very best of luck with the pregnancy. It won't be easy balancing college work and parenthood, but it *is* possible, you won't be the first and you won't be the last. Also - don't forget too that adoption is also an option if you decide that's appropriate in your situation.

mikemac · 13-12-2008 11:34PM

http://www.cura.ie/

wolfpawnat · 14-12-2008 12:11AM

No problem OP:) I know how you are feeling and trust me, as hard as you think the whole college pregnancy thing is, I am getting on ok. Lecturers and pupils are all willing to help you, I am in UCD and I am able to take some time off to have the baby because of the help I am getting from the college, even if your not ready to tell your friends, tell your student advisor, they have heard of every scenario and will only want to help.

You will do great, by showing you want to continue with college and the pregnancy shows you are a strong person. There are days that you may feel terrible and unhappy (hormones btw) but it is not as bad as you may sometimes think.:)

Chin up, congrats and good luck.
Natalie

K-Bowie · 14-12-2008 05:33PM

You have been extremly mature with this and I can only wish you well in the future, I hope for your sake the baby's father is as mature as you.

GL hope it all works out for you

LolaLuv · 14-12-2008 05:35PM

I'm not sure how much this will help, but my brother got a girl pregnant within a week of meeting her. She decided to keep it. Things haven't been easy, but that little girl is loved as much as a baby that was planned and wished for for years. She's my little princess and has brought us all more happiness than we could have imagined, despite the less-than-perfect circumstances. So big congratulations to you!

First year in college pregnant 'virgin'

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