Frozen Out by gay best friend

banshee_bones · 23-12-2008 03:38PM #1

O.K

Cutting a long story short. I have recently and with no warning been cut out of my best friends life. Started that she blocked me on facebook,then her sister would not give me her new phone number in the states,then she signed out on MSN the minute i tried to talk to her.

Im totally confused. She came out to me two christmas's ago and i was cool with it and a friend showed me text messages she sent her about how great i took the whole thing.
She has recently moved to start a new course in the states. She never told me she was leaving and wont respond to ANY emails or posts i have left on bebo or myspace.

A gay male friend of mine reckons shes trying to put her old life behind her and try and reinvent herself, but why cut me out? why not cut off all contact with everyone she went to school with.

and before you ask there were no arguments before she left,nothing,everything was fine..or so i thought.

Very confused and very upset as we have been best friends since first year of secondary school

homerun_homer · 23-12-2008 03:50PM

That's pretty harsh. If you have been talking to her sister about getting the new phone number then could you not ask her what the problem is?

astrofool · 23-12-2008 03:50PM

Make a bebo response page telling her how mean she is.

Seriously, she doesn't want to be contacted, that's her perogative, not yours. At a guess, she'll be back online within the week, and be making a big drama about it.

bloodedrose · 23-12-2008 04:07PM

I would not go the bebo route, that's on the same level as livejournal whining.

Do you have other friends in common, who might know what is going on that you could ask?
Or maybe just email her, even if she thinks you have done something to wrong her, she will still read the email out of morbid curiousity.

Richie · 23-12-2008 04:08PM

bloodedrose wrote: »

I would not go the bebo route, that's on the same level as livejournal whining

The batteries in your sarcasm monitor are running low there mate - you might want to change them.

Seriously though, give her time. Maybe talk to her sister about what her issue is with speaking to you but certainly don't push her too much.

MagicMarker · 23-12-2008 04:38PM

One email, 4 words... ''go fúck yourself then''.

Don't give her a second thought after that.

TheZohanS · 23-12-2008 05:12PM

MagicMarker wrote: »

One email, 4 words... ''go fúck yourself then''.

Don't give her a second thought after that.

You could send the above message and it might make you feel all warm inside for a day or so if that's the sort of person you are.

After that however you will more than likely just reflect and wish you hadn't been so rash.

If your friend doesn't want to be contacted you are going to have to respect her wishes and get on with your own life.

It's her problem that she is behaving in this irrational manner, try not to allow it effect you.

She'll come around in her own time, and if she doesn't then it's her loss but don't lower yourself by being nasty.

People only have power if you give it to them.

banshee_bones · 23-12-2008 05:34PM

Thanks guys appreciate the insight, her sister may or may not have deliberatley given me the number, when i text she said she didnt have it on her and would give it to me once she got home. I thought she genuinely forgot but once i realised that i had been blocked on facebook and whatnot began to think otherwise.

Did think about asking her sister but I thought i didnt want to put her in an akward situation or involve her un necessarily if you get me? and if there is something wrong id rather hear it from her than have her sister do the dirty work for her.

Have already sent the email asking nicely if i had done anything wrong as i thought i might have done something unknowingly and asking for the chance to defend my case and apoogise is so and got no reply..

Silverfish · 23-12-2008 05:35PM

Is there any chance she may have been interested in you?

spurious · 23-12-2008 05:38PM

banshee_bones wrote: »

Have already sent the email asking nicely if i had done anything wrong as i thought i might have done something unknowingly and asking for the chance to defend my case and apoogise is so and got no reply..

Leave it then.
She may well be giving herself a new start. Just be available should she get back in touch at some time in the future and if she does, don't do the whole 'why did you block me?' thing.

SarahJ · 23-12-2008 05:39PM

Silverfish wrote: »

Is there any chance she may have been interested in you?

I was thinking this. She may have been, and is just trying to forgoet you.

banshee_bones · 23-12-2008 05:39PM

one friend said that to me the last day after the msn incident, said it might be that she has feelings for me. Guess its not outside the realms of possibility. However I am straight and always will be and always have been and she knows that so i dunno...

LegacyUser · 23-12-2008 07:53PM

I'm bi and fell for my best friend of many years. Although we've managed to stay close friends, over the years I had often thought of cutting her out of my life completely. Not because I didn't love her, but because I knew it was not a healthy situation to be in for either party.

If I had actually made the decision to cut her out, it would have been the absolute hardest thing I'd ever done. So as bad as it sounds, and is, cold turkey would have been the only way for me to do it too.

To be honest, that's what it sounds like has happened here.

towel401 · 23-12-2008 10:06PM

banshee_bones wrote: »

A gay male friend of mine reckons shes trying to put her old life behind her and try and reinvent herself, but why cut me out? why not cut off all contact with everyone she went to school with.

yea a lot of people do that. especially age 16-22. i don't know if she's that age. +1 for the 'go **** yourself email' suggestion. you probably won't want to be part of her new (and probably more sleazy) life anyway

dny123456 · 23-12-2008 10:09PM

I'd go with the unrequited love theory too... chances are you'll never know.

Twinkle-star15 · 23-12-2008 10:16PM

I'd say wait a while. Leave it another week or so before you try and contact her, and hang around with some other friends in the mean time.

I wouldn't send a 'go f yourself' email, unless you are sure you don't want to be friends anymore. 6 years of friendship is a big thing to waste over one email.

If she still refuses to talk to you, maybe ask another friend who's still talking to both of you to try find out why? If you're both just drifting apart, or even if she thinks you are, that's going to really REALLY hurt, but you can't force friendship.

Your friend might just be going through a phase- if you've spent a lot of time together before, maybe she thinks it'd be healthier to distance herself for a while.

Hope everything works out for you!

xxx

LolaLuv · 24-12-2008 12:08AM

My best friend of ten years stopped talking to me last year. There was a reason for it, but it was something she totally blew out of proportion and even when I tried to reconcile she looked for another reason to stop talking to me. I think the truth of the matter was that we had simply grown apart, realized that there was no reason for us to be friends anymore except for our history, and she wasn't comfortable with simply letting things fade. Sometimes that happens; it's totally natural. Maybe she simply feels that you've grown out of each other. It sucks, but it's nothing to beat yourself up about. You've tried to contact her, but you can't fix a friendship all by yourself. Wait for her to make a move. If she doesn't, you haven't lost much of a friend.

Unregistered. · 24-12-2008 12:30AM

banshee_bones wrote: »

Cutting a long story short.

And perhaps there is more to this story that you are not telling us??

(just asking)

Nick_oliveri · 24-12-2008 12:42AM

I hope to feck she hasnt been "cleansed" by bible bashers at some camp.
"reinvent herself" indeed.

This is worst case scenario, i become captian bringdown for christmas.

24-12-2008 08:56AM

banshee_bones wrote: »

O.K

Cutting a long story short. I have recently and with no warning been cut out of my best friends life. Started that she blocked me on facebook,then her sister would not give me her new phone number in the states,then she signed out on MSN the minute i tried to talk to her.

Im totally confused. She came out to me two christmas's ago and i was cool with it and a friend showed me text messages she sent her about how great i took the whole thing.
She has recently moved to start a new course in the states. She never told me she was leaving and wont respond to ANY emails or posts i have left on bebo or myspace.

A gay male friend of mine reckons shes trying to put her old life behind her and try and reinvent herself, but why cut me out? why not cut off all contact with everyone she went to school with.

and before you ask there were no arguments before she left,nothing,everything was fine..or so i thought.

Very confused and very upset as we have been best friends since first year of secondary school

She fancies you-more than you know.
You need to accept this and let her do what she has to do,it would have been an awfull hard decision for her.
Don't do what others have suggested like sending her ratty messages.Thats mean and horrible and unnecessary.
You are where you are with this.

I'd advise just a note making sure she gets it saying you are there if she wants to change her mind anytime and leave it at that.

MysticalSoul · 24-12-2008 10:06AM

She may have blocked your email too, so hence hasn't received it. I have had to block former friends from being able to msn or email me.

I hope you get it sorted. COuld you write a letter, and give it to her sister perhaps? Just say to the sister that you don't know what has happened, and would hope that this letter may help to bridge the waters - she may not read the letter, so that is a gamble. It is hard when friendships die for whatever reason.

towel401 · 24-12-2008 10:56AM

irishamethyst wrote: »

She may have blocked your email too, so hence hasn't received it. I have had to block former friends from being able to msn or email me.

I hope you get it sorted. COuld you write a letter, and give it to her sister perhaps? Just say to the sister that you don't know what has happened, and would hope that this letter may help to bridge the waters - she may not read the letter, so that is a gamble. It is hard when friendships die for whatever reason.

usually that would mean you get an 'email not delivered' error from your server. but maybe some blocking systems now do it the passive way so nobody has any idea. much like you appear as offline on msn to people you unfriend.

MysticalSoul · 24-12-2008 11:16AM

towel401 wrote: »

usually that would mean you get an 'email not delivered' error from your server. but maybe some blocking systems now do it the passive way so nobody has any idea. much like you appear as offline on msn to people you unfriend.

Don't think so, as the whole point of blocking someone is that they don't know.

LegacyUser · 24-12-2008 10:42PM

It could be any number of things, maybe you'll never know.

You obviously care very deeply about your friend as you're trying to stay in contact and wholly accepted her for who she is when she came out to you. Don't throw that away by slinging insults and anger around.

IMHO, the best option is to write a letter to her. Tell her you don't know why she's decided not to talk to you any more but you accept that she must have a reason for it. Tell her you respect her decision and that you'll miss her friendship but if she ever decides she wants to have another go at the friendship, you'll always be there for her. Leave the letter with her family for her and explain to the family that it's not a letter pestering her to get in contact, just a note to say that if she ever wanted to get in contact again, you'd still be there and if she didn't that you accept that totally. This gives you most chance of the letter actually reaching her.

Just do your best to make sure the friendship doesn't end on a bad note and that any doors that closed can be reopened.

banshee_bones · 28-12-2008 10:14PM

Really appreciate all the feedback guys, helps to have a few different perspectives on things. I guess your right i probably will never know and at this stage having sent a couple of those emails and got no response I am inclined to just leave her to her own devices because in my head now she knows how to contact me if she wants to, and no, i have no intention of getting ratty,bitchy or mean about it or sending any go F*** yourself emails, although a few other close friends have also suggested that! Im not saying im above that its just not appropriate for this scenario!

The only thing I was cutting short was a brief history of a friendship that lasted oh about 11 years, all of secondary school and college. There really is nothing more to tell! We have never ever fought and she has always been there for me, and vice a versa even though she moved across the country for wo years before she moved to america so hence why this being frozen out situation has me totally baffled!

JohnGalt · 29-12-2008 02:07AM

Obviously some of the jokes you made about her got back around to her. You should try not to make jokes about people behind their backs, it doesn't pay in the long run

banshee_bones · 31-12-2008 01:48AM

JohnGalt wrote: »

Obviously some of the jokes you made about her got back around to her. You should try not to make jokes about people behind their backs, it doesn't pay in the long run

what?

erm. useless and unhelpful. :mad:

cantdecide · 31-12-2008 10:33AM

B_B, lots of the discussion here about guys who will tell you how girls have an uncanny ability to just snip friendships where unwanted romantic feelings come into things. I agree with above, she probably has feelings for you or conversely, thinks that you have feelings for her.

LegacyUser · 31-12-2008 02:51PM

PillyPen wrote: »

My best friend of ten years stopped talking to me last year. There was a reason for it, but it was something she totally blew out of proportion and even when I tried to reconcile she looked for another reason to stop talking to me. I think the truth of the matter was that we had simply grown apart, realized that there was no reason for us to be friends anymore except for our history, and she wasn't comfortable with simply letting things fade. Sometimes that happens; it's totally natural. Maybe she simply feels that you've grown out of each other. It sucks, but it's nothing to beat yourself up about. You've tried to contact her, but you can't fix a friendship all by yourself. Wait for her to make a move. If she doesn't, you haven't lost much of a friend.

This has been my experience too, with quite a few female friends over the years. I used to get very upset about it but now I just let people do their own thing. I seems to be a real 'girl' thing to do though I've never done it myself. Over time I've realised that its not worth the effort chasing people up. They simply leave space for new people in my life :-)

OP, leave as is.

Frozen Out by gay best friend

Comments