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performance related anxiety?

  • 12-02-2009 07:13AM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    I met a wonderful girl a couple of weeks ago, one thing led to another and we ended up in bed. Unfortunately the little lad was a little more tired than I was, so nothing happened. Same the next day, nothing.

    I haven't been with someone for over 18 months and have suffered depression for the last two years, so my rationale was, that it was because I wasn't comfortable with her (or anyone sexually) and I was feeling pressurised and once I got comfortable around her it would be ok. The thing is we have met up a few times since and had basically the same result. One time however the flag did fly long enough for putting on a condom, but no ejaculation and the flag didn't stay up to long either.

    I please her in other ways, and I know I have made her come, but the problem is, she is very unsure about her abilities in bed and I'm afraid I'm making her feel guilty about me not ejaculating but I know it's me, it's not her!

    This is not a heavy relationship, and I'm not sure if it will develop into "a relationship" as I don't think I'm ready for it nor her. I just want her to be happy and guilt free. I've been thinking about going to the doctor to get Viagra as I think, (and I could be wrong) that once I ejaculate inside her, the barrier that's been holding me back will be broken. I'm unsure really what to do. I enjoy her company, but really don't want to talk about it with her as it would be moving what we have into other territory which I'm not ready for.

    the way I see my choices are
    A) Go to the doc for Viagra and hope to break the barrier
    B) Have "the chat" and hope we don't venture into relationship with a problem territory
    C) Stop seeing her. This isn't a good option as she'll feel lousy as she'll think it's her fault and I'll feel lousy as I want to move on in life and get passed this damned depression
    D) Carry on as we have and hope it'll all work out.

    I really don't know. I do like this girl and want to do the right thing for both our sakes!


Comments

  • #2
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,655 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    spiderman*79 wrote: »
    and have suffered depression for the last two years
    Are you on medicationt hat might interfere with things?

    Can you otherwise get and keep an erection?


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    When I first was diagnosed with depression I was seeing someone. The antidepressants the doctor gave me did interfere with my libido and and ability to maintain an erection. I have been off meds for nearly six months now.

    As far as keeping an erection for masturbation, yes it's no problem.

    I don't really understand as my want for her is there, just not the ability.


  • #4
    mayblue
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 55 ✭✭mayblue


    spiderman*79 wrote: »
    When I first was diagnosed with depression I was seeing someone. The antidepressants the doctor gave me did interfere with my libido and and ability to maintain an erection. I have been off meds for nearly six months now.

    As far as keeping an erection for masturbation, yes it's no problem.

    I don't really understand as my want for her is there, just not the ability.


    maybe in the back of your mind you still feel under pressure... the fact that you like her a lot doesn't mean you feel relaxed... why don't you both take some time to get to know each other better and feel more at ease? taking things slow it's the best option before you get into any medication, after all, if you can keep an erection when you masturbate the problem is not physical...


  • #5
    Craft25
    Closed Accounts Posts: 470 ✭✭Craft25


    spiderman*79 wrote: »
    I met a wonderful girl a couple of weeks ago, one thing led to another and we ended up in bed. Unfortunately the little lad was a little more tired than I was, so nothing happened. Same the next day, nothing.

    I haven't been with someone for over 18 months and have suffered depression for the last two years, so my rationale was, that it was because I wasn't comfortable with her (or anyone sexually) and I was feeling pressurised and once I got comfortable around her it would be ok. The thing is we have met up a few times since and had basically the same result. One time however the flag did fly long enough for putting on a condom, but no ejaculation and the flag didn't stay up to long either.

    I please her in other ways, and I know I have made her come, but the problem is, she is very unsure about her abilities in bed and I'm afraid I'm making her feel guilty about me not ejaculating but I know it's me, it's not her!

    This is not a heavy relationship, and I'm not sure if it will develop into "a relationship" as I don't think I'm ready for it nor her. I just want her to be happy and guilt free. I've been thinking about going to the doctor to get Viagra as I think, (and I could be wrong) that once I ejaculate inside her, the barrier that's been holding me back will be broken. I'm unsure really what to do. I enjoy her company, but really don't want to talk about it with her as it would be moving what we have into other territory which I'm not ready for.

    the way I see my choices are
    A) Go to the doc for Viagra and hope to break the barrier
    B) Have "the chat" and hope we don't venture into relationship with a problem territory
    C) Stop seeing her. This isn't a good option as she'll feel lousy as she'll think it's her fault and I'll feel lousy as I want to move on in life and get passed this damned depression
    D) Carry on as we have and hope it'll all work out.

    I really don't know. I do like this girl and want to do the right thing for both our sakes!

    That is a mistake i fear.. you are setting a physical goal there that i think is going to elude you forever and drive you crazy. I'd say your problem is more emotional and trust based.

    Why dont you have a chat with her.. explain that you have let things take over your head (the need to perform to a certain standard. It is not a stage show, it is a moment of connection between two people.

    How about suggesting a moratorium on actual sex for a while, ie. say dont try have sex for roughly two/three months.. and in that time you pleasure each other in as many ways as possible, leaving the need to 'perform' penetration outside the door. Leave the two/three month thing flexible, as in dont set a date to try, because that will just build up to another test in your mind. Then I'm sure some night when you least expect it you wont be able to stop it from happening.

    Tell her it was an issue with other girls aswell, and taking the time to go through this with you would make her very special in your life. (would that freak you girls out? - i'm not sure)

    good luck.. i hope you connect


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