Boyfriend not as sexually interested in me

LegacyUser · 07-03-2009 11:02AM #1

Hi,

I know a lot of people post this issue, and I have read the replies, but I would like answers that are specific to my situation! (thank you!)

It's about sex and my boyfriend. I want it more than he does. We're together a year and living together. I love him completely but the sex is getting me down.

He says he's just not that sexual a person. Sex might be once a week if initiate it. If I don't initiate it, it could go to 2 weeks... etc... but apart from the frequency, our views on sex are different. I love it, and I love all acts to do with it, I love the intimacy of sex with a guy I love, I enjoy all the varieties of sex that can be had.... I enjoy giving head, and receiving, but he does not like giving head. I want him to give me head, but only if he likes it... which he doesn't...

I know relationships are about compromise, but how to find a middle ground on that? I don't want him to have sex with me out of obligation, I want him to want me sexually, I want him to want to turn me on and be sexually expressive with me!

My sexual confidence has lowered, I don't feel as attractive around him, and think what's the point in initiating when I'll just get refused. He says he finds me attractive, sexually attractive, he just doesn't need sex that often.

We have talked about it but nothing has changed. Sex happens when he feels like it. I would like him to do more things to me and to want to do them cos he knows I like it.
It's getting me down cos if he can't change, I wonder where the relationship is going....

What I need opinions on is-

How to I broach the subject (again) without being too critical of him? The problem is me too, so I don't want to be blaming it on him.

Is breaking up cos I find our sex drives incompatible a fickle reason to do so? I love him so much, I know he loves me, he is quite affectionate with me too.

Should I accept he's just not into sex if I want to be with him?

Opinions appreciated, I need to get this straight in my head so I can clearly talk to him, without confusing myself halfway through.

Miss Fluff · 07-03-2009 11:23AM

Has it always been this infrequent? You say you have been together 18 months so is it a case you were at it like bunny rabbits when you first got together and this has now dwindled to so little or has it always been like this?

minidazzler · 07-03-2009 11:28AM

Does he do regular exercise? I know that screwed me a little a Few month's back. But now that I have started running regularily and am 10 times fitter, I want more sex. (not getting any though:()

I don't see how the problem is you! Once a week isn't much and he should realise, that just because he doesn't need sex that doesn't mean that you don't!

If you did break up with him because of this, then I wouldn't consider it a fickle reason, he is not fulfilling a fundemental need in your relationship.

The Best advice I can give is, Show him this, let him know how you feel. These thought's are clear and concise, they should work.

LegacyUser · 07-03-2009 11:30AM

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Has it always been this infrequent? You say you have been together 18 months so is it a case you were at it like bunny rabbits when you first got together and this has now dwindled to so little or has it always been like this?

Hey- OP here- At the start it was more frequent, but I also initiated it more, enthusiasm etc! Even then I would have liked it more, but I was / am aware that I have a high sex drive so I was happy with things then.. recently the situation has been getting to me, things have dwindled and I'm not happy with it.

Then I worry that I place too much emphasis on sex.

Btw- I saw that I typed intrested not interested... I guess I'm sleepy...!

star-pants · 07-03-2009 11:32AM

Good question by MissFluff -- has it always been this way or is it recent enough?

It's not a fickle reason to have issue with it, intimacy is a big part of relationships. Not even full sex, but closeness, cuddling, kisses, touching etc. Does he dislike all aspects of that or just the regular/oral sex?
It's something that's bothering you now, and it will only continue to bother you. Yes people should comprimise but talking about it is a big part of that. And personally he should try and make a little more effort. I can understand you not wanting him to do anything if he's not doing it because he wants it.

LegacyUser · 07-03-2009 11:39AM

star-pants wrote: »

Good question by MissFluff -- has it always been this way or is it recent enough?

It's not a fickle reason to have issue with it, intimacy is a big part of relationships. Not even full sex, but closeness, cuddling, kisses, touching etc. Does he dislike all aspects of that or just the regular/oral sex?
It's something that's bothering you now, and it will only continue to bother you. Yes people should comprimise but talking about it is a big part of that. And personally he should try and make a little more effort. I can understand you not wanting him to do anything if he's not doing it because he wants it.

No, we are intimate, and close, affectionate, we kiss and hug a lot, sit close when watching tv, he tells me loves every day, and I know he does...

He dislikes giving oral sex, but not receiving, I enjoy giving though so I will anyway. I don't want him to go down on me if he doesn't like it though- I wouldn't enjoy that anyway!
He enjoys regular sex, but I just want it more, and a bit more variety...

We do have a great relationship too though, get on very well, when we do have sex I enjoy it...

star-pants · 07-03-2009 11:59AM

Hmm, then maybe it's just a case of seeing if ye can increase his libedo a little?
bit more spice to things or make things different (although I'm sure you do want to try stuff like that) baths / showers together, getting intimate that way. Maybe it might encourage him a bit more?
Do he enjoy sex?

Miss Fluff · 07-03-2009 12:10PM

It's a well-known fact that the more sex you are having the more you want it. Bar tieing him down and having your wicked way (now there's an idea;)) this needs to be addressed. You said you have discussed it before but does he realise how frustrated you are?

I'd keep the cunnilingus issue out of it for now. It's not something he enjoys (for now) but hopefully with more regular sex and abandoned exploration this may be something that will develop with time. Just put that on the back burner for now.

Sex can also wane if you are stuck in a rut. Why not spice it up and try and make it as spontaneous as you can. When cuddling up in front of the TV why not give him the best blow job of his life when he least expects it or next time you are cooking him dinner do it in your stilettos....and nothing else. Any red-blooded male will be like a lamb to the slaughter:)

LegacyUser · 07-03-2009 01:15PM

Im a guy and although I find my girlfriend stunning and am sexually attracted to her I am a bit like your boyfriend where I only need sex once a week or so. The only difference is we were never at it like rabbits when we first got together. Im extremly fit and have no stress or worries in my life, I just have a low sex drive. It can actually be difficult to get it up when not in the mood but otherwise im also affectionate with my girlfriend etc. Maybe I need to have a word to her just incase she is thinking of dumping me over this......OP, your not my girlfriend are you!!

Mulan · 07-03-2009 01:24PM

He should be thanking his lucky stars that he has someone with a drive like that. In all fairness, its like winning the lotto or a lifetime supply of beer!!!

qz · 07-03-2009 01:30PM

Mulan wrote: »

He should be thanking his lucky stars that he has someone with a drive like that. In all fairness, its like winning the lotto or a lifetime supply of beer!!!

+1

OP, don't let it affect you to the point where you don't feel as attractive around him. That needs to be hit on the head asap.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 07-03-2009 04:18PM

You might already be doing this but if you're waxed/closely shaven down there he'll be much more open to giving you oral.

LegacyUser · 07-03-2009 04:41PM

Hey, OP here, thanks for the replies.

I do agree that this issue needs to be addressed with my boyfriend, I just want to be careful how to do it. I mean, being critical of him will hardly help want to f**k me

I have tried being spontanious (spelling??) lots in the past, and giving head when he'd not be expecting it...etc... but I am loosing my interest in doing that now, cos of the possible rejection.. making me feel like sex obsessed gf. (Plus I want him to initiate things like that on me for once!) Then he says a relationship is not all about sex, I agree, but I see that he could be a long (life) term partner for me, and if I'm not happy with sex now, what will the future be like.

And I am all waxed and clean etc! Like Ms. Fluff said, I will leave the oral part out of it for now- if we are both more happy sexually, it may happen in time. I'm hardly gonna put a gun to his head and make him go down on me. Although....

;)

I want to talk about it with him, without me getting too emotional (which I have a tendency to get!) or him getting defensive... (which has happened before)

And unregistered, my boyfriend doesn't use boards so I don't think you're him! lol

LegacyUser · 07-03-2009 04:43PM

star-pants wrote: »

Hmm, then maybe it's just a case of seeing if ye can increase his libedo a little?
bit more spice to things or make things different (although I'm sure you do want to try stuff like that) baths / showers together, getting intimate that way. Maybe it might encourage him a bit more?
Do he enjoy sex?

I forgot to reply to this point.

He does enjoy sex, but just in a simpler, less often way than I do.

LegacyUser · 11-03-2009 02:51AM

Had a similar problem with my now ex. I brought up the issue a number of times with him, being as tactful as possible but i'm afraid things never improved. He was extremely defensive when i tried to talk about it. He made me feel like I was a sex addict, for wanting sex at the very least once a week. You shouldn't feel like you are a sex obsessed girlfriend, your simply a girlfriend who enjoys sex and has an issue in your relationship.

I finally decided I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone who didn't enjoy, initiate or put any effort in to sex and have had some much more fulfilling and exciting sexual relationships since the breakup.You just have to ask yourself can you be in a relationship without the sex life you want in the long term? Realistically the chances of things changing are slim ( I waited for 2 yrs for an improvement that never came after many talks) Good luck.

t-ha · 11-03-2009 11:32AM

Sounds like he needs more juice in the gonads! Try pouring pumkinseed oil in all his food or give him a zinc & magnesium supplement like ZMA.

Or get Mr.T to throw snickers at him.

MeMyself&I · 11-03-2009 12:23PM

Ok, this might be a bad idea, but i have a very high sex drive, and my boyfriend used to also.
But a few months back, he lost interest (he has body issues). So i used to give him a few smart remarks, for instance if we was looking at a page three girls, he'd be all 'phwaor, look at that (winding me up), and i'd say, what are you like, sure you can barely handle me.
He can sometimes have a bit of a cheeky tongue on him, so if he was talking about anything sexual, i'd just say, what are you talking about, you can barely keep me satisfied.
so after a few of these digs, his 'sexual appetite' improved, and we are back to our normal twice a day, 7 days a weeks shanagins (as if

).

Ok this mightn't work for everyone, but i knew what i was saying wasnt over crossing the mark, and he could deal with these little (kind) digs. I think he just needed a little nudge in the right direction.

If all else fails, feed him Horny goatweed (all herbal shops stock this), it will help improve things.

miss dove · 11-03-2009 05:13PM

hey OP, I read your posts and I cant believe how much your situation is like mine. I'm now engaged to my partner and I worry that this issue will snowball and become a make or break situation later on. I've tried the various suggestions from the other posters over the past year but it seems to be that whenever I initiate it, he's just not interested or is too tired :mad: We were like rabbits at the start, like most couples, and we are still very affetionate but the usual 'Sunday morning routine' isn't enough for me and sometimes I think 'right, today I'm not going to respond to his advances', but I always do! All sorts of thoughts are going through my head about what he thinks of me, my body etc and what will it be like in the future for us. Maybe I should invest in Ann Summers shares?

Tina1987 · 10-04-2012 03:29AM

How did this turn out in the end??

10-04-2012 07:56AM

do not bump old threads looking for updates, this is not a soap opera

Boyfriend not as sexually interested in me

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