How to proceed?

LegacyUser · 13-03-2009 5:00pm #1

Hi lads and lassies,

The usual registered user who doesent want the person in question to know they are posting!!

Here's the situation.....

I work with a girl and I am absolutely mad about her. Now she has a boyfriend and seems happy with him and I would never ever consider underhanded ways of trying to break them up or anything similar because I believe that people who have such disregard for others are of completely questionable morals!

So here-in lies my dilemma. I have felt this way for around 5 months now. We have developed a great friendship but nothing overboard as she makes here boundaries clear and I totally respect her perogative to do this so I dont overly text or anything like that.

To this end, I have tried to suffocate how I feel due to the circumstance but now I feel like i'm gonna burst if I dont tell her. She is exactly what I look for in a girl; kind, caring, sensitive, open, funny and beautiful. I'm at the stage where i dont care what her response is, I just want to get it out in the open and move on instead of this constant heightened sense of emotion that I feel when I am around her!!!

I am 27 years old and I realise that I should be able to just accept that the situation is lost for me once she is in this relationship. But I cant. I am normally the most rational and centered person when it comes to matters like this and many of my friends and colleagues would normally come to me for this type of advice!!!

But I am stumped. I am going away to work for the summer and I am thinking that before I go I am gonna just ask her to meet up and just explain to her how I feel without being too dramatic. That way I go away for the summer having been as honest as possible and come back and enough time will have passed for us to continue as friends without any untoward embarrasement.

I know she likes me as a person and I really REALLY do not want to be a relationship wrecker but I feel like I have no other choice than to at least be honest about how I feel. If she is the person I believe her to be then she will just be honest back at me and we can then move on accordingly!!

Thanks for reading guys, any input would be much appreciated

LegacyUser · 13-03-2009 5:29pm

You might as well tell her if it is bothering you that much. Although I would phrase it in a way that requires a response as it might be uncomfortable for her. Good luck. ( Better not be my girlfriend :-) )

Gyalist · 13-03-2009 5:40pm

Don't do it. I'm willing to bet that she will be disgusted when you tell her because all these months she has come to regard you as a friend without realising that you had ulterior motives.

I know she likes me as a person and I really REALLY do not want to be a relationship wrecker but I feel like I have no other choice than to at least be honest about how I feel. If she is the person I believe her to be then she will just be honest back at me and we can then move on accordingly!!

You're not being honest, what you're planning to do is in fact very selfish and all that wrote about not wanting to be a "relationship wrecker" is just self-serving bull****.

13-03-2009 5:46pm

Don't do it. I'm willing to bet that she will be disgusted when you tell her because all these months she has come to regard you as a friend without realising that you had ulterior motives

That's a bit harsh. It's easy for feelings to develop when you spend a lot of time with someone. It's hardly shocking to find out a male friend fancies you. If he is in love with her as he says, I'd be fairly sure that she already has an inkling.

OP - To tell her or not? I don't see the point to be honest, if she's in a relationship and happy. What is it going to accomplish? At best it might make her a bit uncomfortable and at worst, if she likes you back, it could end up ruining her relationship.

Dustaz · 13-03-2009 6:17pm

Gyalist wrote: »

You're not being honest, what you're planning to do is in fact very selfish and all that wrote about not wanting to be a "relationship wrecker" is just self-serving bull****.

God, enough of this pc crap. Every single topic on this subject is infested with this sort of thing.

If he tells her how he feels and she turns around and says she feels the same then bully for him and her. If shes that quick to jump ship, its not much of a relationship to wreck now is it?

Hes not being a "relationship wrecker" by simply telling her how he feels. She could well turn around and say thanks, but no thanks. No relationship wrecked.

Gyalist · 13-03-2009 6:44pm

Dustaz wrote: »

God, enough of this pc crap. Every single topic on this subject is infested with this sort of thing.

What is "pc" about anything that I wrote? Maybe you should acquaint yourself with the meaning of the term rather than bandying it around in a context where it does not apply.

cantdecide · 13-03-2009 6:48pm

"PC" Sanctimonious would be more appropriate.

If you feel compelled to say something, what I would do, if you are strong enough to say it and then do it. Tell her you have to stop seeing her for a while because you're starting to develop feelings for her and you know nothing can come of them.

LegacyUser · 14-03-2009 8:15am

OP here, thanks so much for thhe replies so far, it means alot.

Gyalist wrote: »

Don't do it. I'm willing to bet that she will be disgusted when you tell her because all these months she has come to regard you as a friend without realising that you had ulterior motives.

You're not being honest, what you're planning to do is in fact very selfish and all that wrote about not wanting to be a "relationship wrecker" is just self-serving bull****.

I hear what you are saying Gyalist, I must admit I have never had ulterior motives, it seems like the feelings just developed no matter how hard I tried to stop them and now I find myself at this juncture. I really believe that I am as far from self-serving as I can be and I can assure you that I have no intention of wrecking any relationship. Its happened to me before when I was in a relationship and a friend has confessed feelings for me. I simply told them that I was flattered and shocked but that I was with 'x' and was happy but that I respected their honesty. We are still friends to this day. This experience is pretty much why I am considering telling this person. But thank you for your directness.

You might as well tell her if it is bothering you that much. Although I would phrase it in a way that requires a response as it might be uncomfortable for her. Good luck. ( Better not be my girlfriend :-) )

Absolutely, I mean we are both adults and get on ridiculously well so I feel that worst case scenario is that she will just tell me she is flattered but that there is zero chance of anything happening due to the circumstance, and then I can get on with life!

OP - To tell her or not? I don't see the point to be honest, if she's in a relationship and happy. What is it going to accomplish? At best it might make her a bit uncomfortable and at worst, if she likes you back, it could end up ruining her relationship

Well the point is that I will have been totally up front so there is no confusion going forward. But I see what you are saying Ahmad Flaky Dropout. I had this opinion up until this week because I have been trying to forget about her and the feelings but now I feel fit to burst.

If he tells her how he feels and she turns around and says she feels the same then bully for him and her. If shes that quick to jump ship, its not much of a relationship to wreck now is it?

Hes not being a "relationship wrecker" by simply telling her how he feels. She could well turn around and say thanks, but no thanks. No relationship wrecked

Dustaz, I would really consider your response to be exactly the way I feel about it right now. Cheers

If you feel compelled to say something, what I would do, if you are strong enough to say it and then do it. Tell her you have to stop seeing her for a while because you're starting to develop feelings for her and you know nothing can come of them

Well thats not gonna be a problem cantdecide, as I am heading off for 3 months in the summer and by the time I get back she wont be working where we are now. So really I am pretty much risking never seeing her again, but I feel that its a risk worth taking as I do not want to go on from this point now knowing that 'ulterior motives' as Gyalist said, are certainly there now...

Thanks again friends, anymore inputs will be much appreciated, have a great day

Wibbs · 14-03-2009 10:40am

Gyalist wrote: »

Don't do it. I'm willing to bet that she will be disgusted when you tell her because all these months she has come to regard you as a friend without realising that you had ulterior motives.

I also say don't do it, but I'd put good money she knows his motives already. At least she has a fair idea.

starchild · 14-03-2009 7:36pm

if your going to tell her wait until your back and deal with the repercussions while your there

think it through if she says she feels something similar your going to leave her in limbo for the summer plus you will get no enjoyment out of your hol as your whole mind will be at home

if she says no your going to feel bad

see if the time away makes a difference to your feelings

cantdecide · 14-03-2009 8:00pm

The way I see it, if you leave it until the last moment, you're dooming that ABSOLUTELY TEENY TINY chance that she feels the same.

I'd do it and get it out of the way. At least if she hates your guts, you can get on with your life while abroad...

JackieT · 14-03-2009 9:05pm

Don't tell her! You're going to ruin your friendship I think. I've had similar things happen to myself, and it always wrecked the friendship in the end.

Maybe wait til she's single, or better yet, find another girl - there are loads of single ones out there!

ManOfMystery · 14-03-2009 9:14pm

Ordinarily, I would tell you not to do it and continue with your friendship as is. However, as she has a bf, she's unlikely to give you the response you desire so maybe that 'rejection' would be a good thing and would let you get some closure. It all depends on how you behave afterwards and whether you can actually continue a friendship without this getting in the way.

cantdecide · 14-03-2009 11:31pm

JackieT wrote: »

Don't tell her! You're going to ruin your friendship...

This crops up regularly.

The trend seems to be, with exceptions, it'll be a male developing feelings for a female friend. The girls here will often say 'don't do it- think of the friendship'. The blokes will say, 'come out with it, you've nothing to lose, mate' but the general feeling tends to be that when romantic feelings creep in, the friendship as it was, is over one way or another...

Miss Fluff · 15-03-2009 2:06pm

I wouldn't tell her tbh. She probably has a fair idea anyway and it will be hard to maintain a friendship on existing level if you declare undying love. I'm sure she is not with her BF for the sake of it, a committed relationship would suggest she loves him. Why don't you focus on going away for the summer like you plan and having as much fun as possible? You might meet someone fabulous while away:)

How to proceed?

Comments