Fallen out with friend - please advise!

LegacyUser · 25-04-2009 02:50PM #1

This isn’t a big issue compared to what a lot of unfortunate people on PI are posting about but some advice would be welcome. One of my best mates, who has been a really good friend though thick and thin is going out with a complete a££hole. They have been together ten years, they live in her flat, she pays the mortgage and bills and puts food on the table. They haven’t had sex in six months and in the last few months he has developed a habit of going out 4/5 times a week and coming home at all hours of the morning. Recently he went awol for two days with his phone off saying he had stayed over at a friends and that his phone was acting up. Stuff like that is just the tip of the iceberg to be honest. Anyway, I have also been a very good friend to her, very supportive etc. A few weeks ago, although I listen and never say you should do this, that or the other I did say that I think she is wasting her time and he shows her no respect. I’ve always refrained from letting loose (I’m no shrinking violet – trust me!) because I fear if she ends up marrying him (she is DETERMINED to marry him even though he has no intention of it you ask me) she’ll be looking at me thinking that bitch hates my husband. Fast forward to last night when she said she was very hurt by that I said a few weeks ago and I apologised for being so blunt with her but said I don’t take back any of what I said. We ended up having a huge argument yadayadayada and now she won’t speak to me. I *never* interfere but my friend is deply unhappy and his behaviour is getting worse. I think she is expecting me now to apologise but I genuinely can’t apologise when I meant every word I said. Any advice hugely appreciated. I don’t like falling out with people and I can’t believe she now won’t talk to me because I expressed an honest opinion!

bluecell99 · 25-04-2009 03:49PM

She doesnt like to hear the truth.Its called denial and is unfortunately very common.You are acting like a good mate and well done for that.I would do the same thing.

Reality check however.Only she can make the decisions concerning her life.She is an adult.Just take a step back and do not apologise.

You will be there to pick up the pieces when this falls apart - as it most surely will.

Get on with your own life.You can do no more.

estar · 25-04-2009 03:55PM

same thing happened to me - i was right. she saw eventually i was right. i said to get her around, ill never lie to you. thats what you want in a friend. and i wont lie to you if you are doing something that i think is harming you. and you do the same for me. and thats what makes friends best friends. its better in life to have a number of good friends, so that you are not reliant for your social outlet on any one of them

sometimes doing the right thing has a short term personal price. but generally i am guided by the inner knowledge that i have done the right thing in a mannerly way, and not by the judgement of others.

she will be back, if she has common sense and if she doesnt, there are always people out there to value a good friend.

tell her that you are hurt that she values approval and being told shes right over your friendship, and that she is a walking cliche. fight with a person that cares for her rather than address the person causing her the problem.

Overheal · 25-04-2009 04:18PM

she is DETERMINED to marry him even though he has no intention of it you ask me

Crux of the matter tbh. If she's actively trying to lock yer man down obviously he will pick up on that and be very resistant. She needs to look into that.

I think she is expecting me now to apologise but I genuinely can’t apologise when I meant every word I said.

So many people really don't 'get' apologies. Its not about apologising for your viewpoint. You are entitled to that. What you aren't entitled to do (strictly speaking) is get involved or be confrontational with someone with their own personal issues.

"Look Im sorry for Intervening/Arguing/Shouting/Forcing my opinion/etc. You are obviously entitled to handle this whatever way you feel best, but I would just strongly advocate to you - as your friend - this course of action, because the way I see it is like this: ..."

Obviously in your own words.

LegacyUser · 25-04-2009 04:25PM

i think you def did the right thing.
a friend of mine is going out with a complete dick, i cannot stand him, he sounds excatly like your friends bf, he's a bum, doesnt work, wathces tv day in day out, never does anything nice for her, he's so mean with what ever money he does have grrrrrrr i could go on and on.
anyway basically i dont have the guts to say anything to her even though i really want to. your friend will eventually come around. i salut you for telling her what she needs to hear.

star-pants · 25-04-2009 05:46PM

Overheal wrote: »

So many people really don't 'get' apologies. Its not about apologising for your viewpoint. You are entitled to that. What you aren't entitled to do (strictly speaking) is get involved or be confrontational with someone with their own personal issues.

"Look Im sorry for Intervening/Arguing/Shouting/Forcing my opinion/etc. You are obviously entitled to handle this whatever way you feel best, but I would just strongly advocate to you - as your friend - this course of action, because the way I see it is like this: ..."

I agree with this - it is your right as a friend to be there for her and warn her perhaps of mistakes but you can only do so much without overstepping boundaries. At the end of the day no matter how much you say to her, she will make her own decision. And if she's pushed she'll make it sooner. All you can do now is take a step back and wait. Apologise for upsetting her but that you're just looking out for her.

Ann22 · 25-04-2009 07:16PM

You could write her a note spelling out why you said what you said. If she sees it written down in black and white she might realise how his treatment of her looks from the outside. Tell her you're sorry if your words were insensitive, that they weren't meant to hurt her, just to open her eyes..that you thought your friendship was strong enough to stand a few hometruths. You could also tell her how much you care about her and that you value your friendship. If she doesn't reply, there's not much else you can do. One day she will realise that you were right and she'll regret not heeding you. She may not know it but she's lucky she has a mate like you who is so concerned about her.

upmeath · 25-04-2009 11:46PM

As someone said previously its denial on her part, she's questioning what you said in her head now. I wouldn't take anything back, she mightn't be too long about coming around to her senses, is their relationship under any strain from his deteriorating behaviour?

LegacyUser · 26-04-2009 08:58AM

OP here again. Thanks so much for kind replies. I sent her a text and said it would be such a shame to fall out over this and I am only lookingg out for her etc but nothing.

In answer to your question upmeath, yes their relationship is under huge strain (that's not me presuming either, she phones me very upset about it a lot). Put it this way, he goes awol so regularly now (a norm would be coming in at 4am on a Tuesday night when he never told her he was going out) so more often than not over the last few months she has not been sleeping. She has a very good job and of late she is going home at lunchtime to try and sleep for an hour as she can't sleep worrying when he disappears like that. He owes her thousands of euro. I know he came home very drunkg during the week about a month ago and startes throwing stuff around the apartment and went right up to her face calling her a "kunt" etc - he was very threatening. Oh, and another thing I forgot to mention is he lost his phone out on one of his benders recently and she manages to get it back. She checked his messages and there were some going way back to random girls with him telling them by text he was single etc. They have had sex about twice in the last year.

I know some people are going to say keep my nose out. And I am now that it looks like she won't speak to me. It's very hard though not saying anything when someone you are so fond of is completely wasting their time with a sponging user. He doesn't have much money so it's not entirely about that. But in all the time I've known her she has never said "Boyfriend cooked me dinner" or "boyfriend ran me a bath" etc - no sweet gestures, no respect, no passion and no friendship between them.....and now she is taking it out on me!!

upmeath · 26-04-2009 12:57PM

OP your friend seems to be letting him away with murder, if he's out on benders midweek and arriving home at all hours without any forewarning or even a call or text on the night to let her know where he is then I'm sorry but it's clear to me that he's up to no good. Does she question his whereabouts or the company he's keeping? And does she get answers? She seems very leniant and giving this cat one too many lives, he's making a fool out of her and your concern is justified.

LegacyUser · 26-04-2009 01:14PM

Sometimes he will say he is going for a drink and then be incommunicado for the night but last weekend is a classic example of his behaviour. He went over to a "friends" house on Friday and because he had two beers he stayed over. He told his GF on Saturday that he was going to see his family down the country and would be staying there. She got home late Saturday afternoon, found his keys on the living room table, went downstairs and saw his car in the car park. She phoned his mother asking was he there, no hadn't heard from him in ages. His phone was off for two days and he arrives home Monday evening. She gets upset and then excuses him by saying his phone was acting up or that he is just a little forgetful etc etc. I've just reread what I've written - I'm making her sound like an idiot. She is very bright and very intelligent but when it comes to this situation she makes excuse after excuse. When she found texts in his phone to other women I asked her did she not find it suss? Apparently he had a perfectly acceptable excuse for each one. Still no word from her> Should I try and contact her again or leave it a few days? Am very upset!

dreamlogic · 26-04-2009 09:01PM

I agree with Overheal about the apology. You don't have to apologize for what it was you said. But do let her know that you didn't mean to upset her, that you are only looking out for her etc. Let her know that what you said was your opinion based on what she had told you about what has been going on and you felt that as a friend you had to say something. Be careful not to turn this into an 'I am right, you are wrong' type situation. If you want the friendship to continue then you have to try and meet half way with this and take on board how from her point of view she is very attached to this person.

Is it possible that based on the way the argument went she might now feel that she is forced to choose between your friendship and her relationship with him?
She probably needs a bit of time to herself to think about what has been happening, especially if she is as stressed out as you mentioned. Who knows, maybe this phase is the beginning of the end of the relationship but she has not yet accepted it.

I would advise against trying to communicate or solve this by text message. Maybe in a few days send her a message suggesting to meet face to face. Then leave it for her to get back to you..
Or look at it this way, losing a friend over this man might be a wake up call she needs!

Fallen out with friend - please advise!

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