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Not that into me or issues with sex??

  • 28-04-2009 11:40PM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    Would be interested to see if anyone has been in this situation and what you think...

    I was seeing a guy for a couple of months but I very recently finished it. He's 30, i'm 27. For the first few weeks I honestly thought i'd met the man of my dreams - we got on so well, loads in common, fancied each other, went out on loads of fun dates, he met my friends & got on great etc. He is a really affectionate person which was lovely, very touchy feely in quite a sweet way when we'd be out or just watching tv or whatever. Basically he gave me every reason to think he was really into me. But...the first night it came to having sex he totally clammed up and started saying he didn't think the chemistry was right and pretty much knocked me back.

    So next day we chat and decide to give it time and see what happens, get to know each other better. We went out together a few more times and had fun and again, he'd tell me how much he fancies me, how he loves spending time with me.. had sex finally but it was only after we were both pretty hammered after a night out.

    A few days later he's over in mine and the scene is perfectly set for sober sex, but after a bit of kissing he gives me the old "chemistry's not right" line and nothing happens. This of course is not doing much for my self esteem - i'm not being big headed thinking that of course he should want to have sex with me, i know that sometimes you just can't make a person fancy you like that. But he gave me every reason day to day to think he was mad about me.

    After this we both decide we should leave it and try just being friends, which i felt almost relieved about as it was getting v confusing and i was starting to think it was me that was the problem. We meet for a drink a couple of weeks later as "friends" and it was going great and I genuinely was fine with it...until he starts saying how he regrets finishing it and really fancies me and wants to make a go of it. mixed messages or what! So we go back to his...and guess what, no sex! Said he was wrecked tired. I stayed in his bed and in the morning he's so affectionate and holding me and kissing etc. In hindsight there were a good few occasions where he seemed to be avoiding going to bed. Maybe he simply isn't into me, but surely why would a guy spend so much time with someone, be all over them (to a certain extent!) and say all that stuff but not want to sleep with them. I'd say it's more common if a guy isn't into a girl that he wouldn't bother with the other stuff but WOULD sleep with them (I'm not man-bashing, just think that scenario is prob more common).

    Sorry this post is so long-winded! Nearly there... we were at a party last week, both v drunk, and ended up back in my apartment...and he couldn't get me up to bed quick enough. The pattern seemed to be when he was drunk he'd go for it, when sober he did everything to avoid it. I really really like this guy but I had to finish it as it wasn't doing me much good being in limbo and I was always worrying about it. My ex and I had a great sex life, but he turned out to be a bit of a wrong one! The new guy seemed great, but doesn't seem to be into sex. Or maybe just not with me...who knows! Any similar experiences??


Comments

  • #2
    hussey
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,240 ✭✭✭hussey


    From the sounds of it there is a problem on his end.
    It sounds like he is into you

    without sounded like a perv, but a guy knocking back sex ... hmmmm

    Maybe you can talk to him, and tell him, in the nicest possible terms, that you think he has a problem, and you'd like to help, what can you do to help?

    Don't be judgemental, just listen to what he says

    When it comes to sex and problems, guys can be VERY sensitive


  • #3
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,044 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    IME there are a lot of people who can't have sex sober for a whole heap of reasons.
    You have to ask yoruself is that what you want from a partner in your life?
    If the answer is no then you have to look at what you can and are willing to do about it.
    If he won't talk to you about it then that would be as far as I am concerned a second
    red flag and you would be best to find someone else who gets you all hot and bothered.


  • #4
    maxxie
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 949 ✭✭✭maxxie


    could be gay
    who avoids sex? :p


  • #5
    CDfm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,649 ✭✭✭✭CDfm


    maxxie wrote: »
    could be gay
    who avoids sex? :p

    Shy or inexperienced most likely.


  • #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Wow that sounds scarily like me and my new girlfriend. It's not that I don't fancy her, I really really do...BUT for some reason when it comes to sex itself the chemistry just isn't the way I would want it to be. It doesn't feel the same as it would with other girls I'd fancy, even though I really love kissing her, holding her, spending time with her.

    When I am hammered, there is absolutely no problem but when we are sober, as soon as I feel that everything is going that way I completely panic and don't want to do it. After this happened the first time, she insisted on talking about it, because she had obviously noticed that I was only into it when really drunk. I told her I was nervous and all that, because I thought it just was nerves, but after the chat I had to go along with it as I had run out of excuses and it was just terrible. Despite how gorgeous I think she is and how much I fancy her - it's just not right. I don't want to break up with her, but I don't know where it is going to progress from here if I keep having to get really drunk to want to have sex with her.

    Also what is part of the problem is that sometimes when sober I really do feel like I want to have sex with her, but she never really seems into it at the same times. I think if I felt like she couldn't keep her hands off me, then it might encourage me a bit and I might be a bit more turned on by the whole idea...but that's just speculation. Because I know the exact times when sex might be on the cards, I panic about those times and can't just relax as I would if it was all a bit more spontaneous perhaps.


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  • #7
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,306 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    maxxie wrote: »
    could be gay
    who avoids sex? :p
    Well it has happened to me. Something similar anyway. There were women who I thought were wonderful and sexy and I was very fond of and fancied, but in the bedroom I was about as much use as a one legged man in an arse kicking contest. Other women who I wasn't that pushed on across the board and it was cue the lights, the camera, the dodgy 70's music we're making a durty movie here. Of course the third option where both gelled is the ideal. I have honestly no clue why it went that way. Bloody frustrating for both.

    Unregistered there sums up the feelings involved in my personal experience anyway.

    He may have low confidence, which is common enough. That's happened to me too, even when experience would suggest otherwise and then you think the gargle will get you over that. Sometimes it did and normal service returned. Sometimes it didn't and then I realised something was outa whack.

    I'm not so sure it's low libido with him anyway as he does rev up when drunk.

    As I say frustrating for you and probably him too.

    I dunno, it seems to me OP that you're just not gelling in that area and may never do. I personally think you were right to break it off, hard though it was to do it. I would also say, best if you don't go for another drunken encounter as it'll do neither of you any good long term. Keep him as a mate, but just avoid the temptation to sleep together. You will find a guy where it will gel(as you did with the ex) and he won't be a wrong un and he'll find a woman that suits him in that dept too. It's not a reflection on you or indeed him, just a reflection of the lack of that compatibility in that particular area.

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



  • #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    It sounds to me like he likes the idea of you as a girlfriend (going out, meeting mates etc) but when it comes down to it he doesnt really fancy you (well not in a sexual way anyway) There is this false idea out there among women (driven mostly by the media I think) and the "laddish" culture that all men cannot help themselves where sex is concerned and if they are not up for it well jesus they must be gay or something. Thats horse****e. Ok if a drunken shag is offered most men will not turn it down but in a relationship it is different, things have to be right and they are clearly not right in this case. When there is drink on board these things do not matter as much hence you say it was fine after yous were both hammered.


  • #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    The fact is he does not fancy you (well at least not in a sexual way). He likes the idea of having you as a girl friend (meeting mates etc) but when it comes down to having sex with you it is not happening. There is this idea among women that men will sleep with anything and that if they are not up for sex then jesus they must be gay or something. Horse****e (and Im a bloke). Yes most men will not pass up a drunken shag but in a relationship it is different it has to be right or it will not happen. When there is drink on board none of this really matters which is why you say he was fine when you were both hammered. And I doubt if time will change things and he will gradually start fancying you. Im sure you are a lovely person and all that but there ya go thats a blokes perspective. Dont waste any more time with this


  • #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    i think the best thing you can do is talk to him about it in a very sensitive way. Funny, the same thing happens to me. I'm a normal straight bloke but i used to be pretty nervous when i met a girl that i fancied and it was time to have sex. for some reason, unknown to me at the time, i would panic and try to avoid it even though i actually wanted to beforehand. i since discovered that i have an anxiety disorder. It only kicks in during certain events/situations. Otherwise, i'm perfectly normal. I like your boyfriend use to rely on alcohol to loosen me up for such events. i say he really is attracted to you and really does want to have sex with you but his anxiety kicks in when it comes to the event....thats why he only feels like it when he has had alcohol. i may be wrong but it sounds exactly like my situation. worse thing is for people like your boyfriend/me, is that people take it as a snub or rejection which further increases the anxiety and he is probably very frustrated with himself over this. it's a vicious cycle. ask him about it, if i'm correct, post me back and i can advise you on what you can do to improve things.


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