Boyfriend constantly putting me down

LegacyUser · 01-05-2009 07:56AM #1

Morning Guys,

This is really upsetting me and I'm just wondering what I should do. I am a 27 year old girl and I've been with my 29 bf for 3 years. He has been putting me down constantly since the day we met and I just don't know what to do anymore.

We were friends before getting together and we got along great. I used to be a model a few years ago, nothing major really, did a few photoshoots for magazines, some catalogue work. Lets just say I'm considered attractive and when we first got together he told me he thought I was beautiful but started getting commenets in right away. Here's some example -

You're wearing that to dinner??? Really? Well, if you think it looks good..

You looked better from afar, the fantasy was better then the reality.

You made a fool of yourself tonight acting like a slut.

If you ever got fat I wouldn't want to be with you anymore. Attraction is important.

And just last night he said - You are a walking cliche, all looks but no substance.

I love him to bits but for years now he has been saying these things. He also said I'v elost my looks now an dthey'll continue to fade. I don't care! Looks aren't the world to me but clearly they are to him. I'm a smart girl, have a degree, love fims and books and culture. He makes me feel like I am nothing. After a party last week he told me I was an emabarrasment. that hurt.

What should I do?

Beruthiel · 01-05-2009 08:35AM

goal repeat wrote: »

What should I do?

Why are you even asking?!

Have you no self respect?
Why would you allow anyone to talk to you like that?
Why are you still with someone who clearly thinks so little of you?
Why is he still with you if he thinks so little of you?

Wibbs · 01-05-2009 08:36AM

I normally wouldn't say this without some back and forth but if this is consistent behaviour from this guy you need to leave. You really do not need that in your life.

LegacyUser · 01-05-2009 08:40AM

goal repeat wrote: »

Morning Guys,

This is really upsetting me and I'm just wondering what I should do. I am a 27 year old girl and I've been with my 29 bf for 3 years. He has been putting me down constantly since the day we met and I just don't know what to do anymore.

We were friends before getting together and we got along great. I used to be a model a few years ago, nothing major really, did a few photoshoots for magazines, some catalogue work. Lets just say I'm considered attractive and when we first got together he told me he thought I was beautiful but started getting commenets in right away. Here's some example -

You're wearing that to dinner??? Really? Well, if you think it looks good..

You looked better from afar, the fantasy was better then the reality.

You made a fool of yourself tonight acting like a slut.

If you ever got fat I wouldn't want to be with you anymore. Attraction is important.

And just last night he said - You are a walking cliche, all looks but no substance.

I love him to bits but for years now he has been saying these things. He also said I'v elost my looks now an dthey'll continue to fade. I don't care! Looks aren't the world to me but clearly they are to him. I'm a smart girl, have a degree, love fims and books and culture. He makes me feel like I am nothing. After a party last week he told me I was an emabarrasment. that hurt.

What should I do?

take control, say you need a break,he will be shocked id say..i know you love him sweetie, but your confidence is slipping and you know it..
you need to break it off with him and when he starts the mind games because he knows your insecurities stay focussed..no good can come of this, he is bullying you..if it was a pal this was happening to , what would you tell her to do??..'looks are fading'..jesus-heard it all now! finish it,and there are lots of decent guys that will be interested in you,good luck,

01-05-2009 08:41AM

Seems to me that he puts you down as he is low in confidence himself.
He feels that you are too good for him and if you never realise it (through constant putdowns) you wont leave him.

Whether you give him one more chance or call it a day is your call but the latter is the only quick fix.

Good luck and well done for seeing what he's doing to you and (hopefully) acting on it!

Gyalist · 01-05-2009 08:49AM

What should I do?

Get out now and in future never accept this sort of behaviour from anyone.

Do not even think that you may be able to get him to change his behaviour as it's gone too far for that. My mind boggles at the fact that you say that that you love him to bits despite the way he has clearly chipped away at your self-confidence.

bicardi19 · 01-05-2009 08:52AM

Right first off you say you really love this guy. So does that mean you want to make it work.
Ive been there, what you need to do is compose yourself and when he says these things be emotionally ready to stand up for yourself. Try not to cry or lose control of your emotions. Let him know that you wont tolerate being talked to like that and if it continues that you have plenty of other options.
Let him know you dont depend on him and show him you have respect for yourself even if he does not. Let him see that you are not being beaten down by his negative comments and you wont stand for it any longer.
But beforeyou do this you need to be ready to be able to reply to his negative comments cooly and camly. Show him you are in control now.

Dudess · 01-05-2009 08:55AM

OP, I think you know the answer.

goal repeat wrote: »

If you ever got fat I wouldn't want to be with you anymore. Attraction is important.

Fair enough - and yet he keeps on saying you're not attractive anyway, so that doesn't even make sense.

I love him to bits

How can you love someone who treats you like that "to bits"? Yeah he's probably really sweet other times, but that's absolutely NO compensation.

He also said I'v elost my looks now an dthey'll continue to fade.

Of course you haven't - you're 27. Why would you believe they're going just because that asshole says it? Look in the mirror and ask yourself honestly whether your looks have faded.

Looks aren't the world to me but clearly they are to him.

And eventually they will fade and he'll just get worse and worse - and probably cheat. For the love of god, finish with him...

kitty_dillon1@h · 01-05-2009 09:01AM

I'm sorry but what a dickhead!!!
I wonder does your boyfriend feel you've always been out of his league and maybe he knows because you're beautiful plenty of guys would snap you up!But by destroying your confidence you'll think no one will want you but him????
Whatever the reason for his horrible behaviour why would you want that in your life?A relationship is about being happy and feeling wanted and loved among other things,you're meant to make each other feel good not put each other down!!
i know you love him but if it's going on for 3 years do you really think he'll suddnely stop because you say something and start showering you with compliments?I doubt it

LegacyUser · 01-05-2009 09:06AM

He sounds like a complete control freak. I would say he is jealous of you.
IMO this will never change and will only get worse as time goes on. I would walk.

Gyalist · 01-05-2009 09:14AM

bicardi19 wrote: »

Right first off you say you really love this guy. So does that mean you want to make it work.
Ive been there, what you need to do is compose yourself and when he says these things be emotionally ready to stand up for yourself. Try not to cry or lose control of your emotions. Let him know that you wont tolerate being talked to like that and if it continues that you have plenty of other options.
Let him know you dont depend on him and show him you have respect for yourself even if he does not. Let him see that you are not being beaten down by his negative comments and you wont stand for it any longer.
But beforeyou do this you need to be ready to be able to reply to his negative comments cooly and camly. Show him you are in control now.

Are you serious?

The fact that she loves him doesn't mean that he loves her or even likes her. What she needs to do is walk so that he could learn the important life lesson that our words and actions have consequences.

Dudess · 01-05-2009 09:17AM

The OP loves this guy, bicardi seems to be just offering advice on how to make it work, if ending it would be too painful for her.

In my opinion, it will never work though. OP, you've got to be strong and remember you're doing yourself a favour. Some genius said here recently that women love a bastard - women with low self esteem do. Don't be one of those women.

nice1franko · 01-05-2009 09:17AM

As Dan Savage would say, DTMFA.

Otis Driftwood · 01-05-2009 09:23AM

Get out now.
Ye are together 3 years and he has been an utter bastard for those 3 years,no matter how much you love him and no matter what else he has done,speaking to you like that is unacceptable.
The fact you have stayed with him shows he is winning in the twisted little game he is playing.
What if he were to ask you to marry him?
What would you be like in 20 years time?
A broken woman.
Its will be extremely tough for you but nobody deserves to be treated that way.Bin him,work on getting yourself esteem and confidence back and go find someone that will treat you with the respect that you deserve instead of staying with someone that is manipulative and cruel.

RossFixxxed · 01-05-2009 09:51AM

Woah for the love of... That's insane.

My OH is the absolute Queen of the put down, they are absolutely viciouis, BUT they are all said by both of us in jest entirely and always end up with laughing etc. If I said anything like that to her in any seriouness I'd be speaking about 4 octaves higher than I am now, if she didn't kill me! And I really love that, you need to be be even in a relationship.

There is NO way in hell you should be taking any of the crap from him, or ANYONE. The more you put up with it the worst it gets. Look the fact that WIBBS (who always gives detailed responses that are measured) only wrote the above should say a lot....

Get some pride there are decent guys out there, but nobody respects a doormat! Work on yourself and cut off that dead weight, why sink down to his miserable level.

R

AARRRGH · 01-05-2009 09:59AM

goal repeat wrote: »

What should I do?

He is an abuser - controlling, manipulative and mean.

There isn't going to be a happy ending. Break up with him.

kittenkiller · 01-05-2009 10:16AM

Give him a dose of his own nedicine, see how he take to it and if he doesn't cop on walk away.

Imagine if you stay with him and down the line he starts saying stuff like that to your daughter?

He needs a serious injection of reality.

seamus · 01-05-2009 10:19AM

Yep, walk. Otherwise you'll find yourself in tens years time married, chained to the sink and with this guy telling you that you're not allowed to do X, Y and Z and you've to stay in and clean the house while he goes to the pub to watch football on Saturday.

This guy is a scumbag. Leave him.

ellie1 · 01-05-2009 11:45AM

goal repeat wrote: »

Morning Guys,

You're wearing that to dinner??? Really? Well, if you think it looks good..

You looked better from afar, the fantasy was better then the reality.

You made a fool of yourself tonight acting like a slut.

If you ever got fat I wouldn't want to be with you anymore. Attraction is important.

And just last night he said - You are a walking cliche, all looks but no substance.

I love him to bits but for years now he has been saying these things. He also said I'v elost my looks now an dthey'll continue to fade. I don't care! Looks aren't the world to me but clearly they are to him. I'm a smart girl, have a degree, love fims and books and culture. He makes me feel like I am nothing. After a party last week he told me I was an emabarrasment. that hurt.

What should I do?

It seems to me that he is very insecure and jealous of you. He needs to make you feel like **** in order to feel better about himself.
I think you should show him this thread, if he dosent cop the xxxx on, tell him " Hit the road you spineless, needy, immature nasty prick"

John Mason · 01-05-2009 11:53AM

what the hell are you doing with someone like that ?

why in gods name would you put up with that kind of abuse?

if your self-esteem is so low, may be its time to a see a professional

Baby-G123 · 01-05-2009 01:16PM

It was so scary reading that post because it was as if I had posted it. Been through the exact same thing. Can totally relate with what your saying. You seriously need to kick this guy to the curb ASAP!!!! You need to realise that yes you may love this guy but YOU REALLY NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF MORE. Its the only way that you'll pluck up the guts to walk away from it.

MeMyself&I · 01-05-2009 02:18PM

Please PM me, i hope i can help, i totally understand what you are going through

CorkLady1983 · 01-05-2009 09:24PM

OP, your bf sounds like a total assh*le !!! You need to leave this guy ASAP and get with someone who respects for the beautiful person that you are....

its like he's totally insecure and trying to transfer that onto you...like he's jealous of you of something...do you get a lot of attention from other guys when you're out in town??

O'Coonassa · 01-05-2009 09:27PM

goal repeat wrote: »

What should I do?

Leave him alone.

herya · 01-05-2009 09:33PM

Is he even attractive himself??
What about his looks??

What a controlling freak. Please don't waste your life on him.

Salome · 01-05-2009 09:43PM

And you're with him 3 years? Have you no self-respect or has he beaten it out of you with these put downs?

Tell me you can see what he's doing? All these strangers on this thread can see it, why can't you? Why are you still there?

Know you can do better and go. Please.

dreamlogic · 01-05-2009 10:31PM

Sounds like an unloving and basically not a very nice person judging by those remarks he made.
Someone who is secure in themselves and mentally well does not need to put their partner down in order to make themselves feel whatever it is they want to feel... And obviously his feelings are way more important than yours! You should want to be with someone who wants happiness not just for themselves but for both of you.
I would advise not hanging around waiting for things to change, especially not if it's been a few years already...Don't even threaten to leave(like the way he has been childishly doing). Take the initiative yourself and end the relationship and don't look back. I wish you the best at the beginning of this new chapter in your life..

Driseog · 01-05-2009 11:32PM

Sounds like a charmer alright.
He's a condesending gobsh1te that needs to be given a reality check, as in a swift right jab to the face, but failing that get rid.

b3t4 · 01-05-2009 11:57PM

In a loving, healthy, respectful relationship this does not go on.

At the end of the day his words are being said to hurt you. Do you repeating hurt someone you say you love over, and over, and over, again for a period of 3 years? The answer is No.

You may love him with all your heart and soul but it means jack**** if he doesn't behave in a manner that indicates it.

Love yourself, stop making excuses for him and walk away from this relationship.
A.

SuperTyper · 02-05-2009 07:39AM

My only advice to you is simply "walk away" and do it sooner rather than later. He will not get better, he probably doesn't think he needs to stop doing this. I bet it is "everyone elses fault" according to him. Take it from someone who was in your shoes and 10 years later I'm finally free. The abuse can become physical and you don't need that. Your relationship is not normal, its not healthy for you and you quite simple, deserve better. Put yourself first. Do you want to be in this situation in 10 years time because believe me, if you stay, things will get much worse and you will find yourself powerless to walk away. There is someone better out there for you.

idontknowmyname · 02-05-2009 08:20AM

I agree with all the previous posts, time to kick him to the curb, he's already driven your esteem down, it will only get worse. Why would you want to be with someone who's like that??? Go find yourself a proper boyfriend who'll treat you like a princess.

Outkast_IRE · 02-05-2009 08:43AM

Get rid of him now , nobody should be treated like that. It sounds like he just doesnt respect you. It may hurt in the short term but you will be much happier and you will meet someone who will respect you more.

LegacyUser · 02-05-2009 03:33PM

Honestly, you need to leave him asap. I know you love him but in the long term, its just not worth it.

It reminds me of an ex on mine, who over the course of 5 years destroyed my self esteem with his constant put downs and insults. If I could change anything about my life, it would be to go back 4 years and hit myself for being so stupid and having such little respect for myself.

Trust someone who knows, he will not change, he will not stop. Take a good long look at your relationship and really, you shouldn't have to put up with that from someone who claims to love you.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 02-05-2009 04:33PM

If you stay with him you'll die thinking you wasted your life

Soul Stretcher · 02-05-2009 11:38PM

3 yrs ? You have to put an end to this. Now.

Playing Devil's Advocate, a man could legitimately perhaps use put-downs in the initial stages of attraction. Bear with me...

You are a stunner. A 10. More than likely, 100s or 1000s of men have tried chatting you up with "Hi I'm Brian. What's your name ? .... Cool, I'm an Engineer/Doctor/Lawyer/insert social status here.....

You can see a "Nice Guy" a mile off.

However when a stranger goes..."that dress doesn't suit you, it would be better in black"... or something alone those lines..... he immediately stands out from the field of Nice Guys and may pique your interest....

That been said, insults and hurtful comments have NO place in a loving relationship.

Boyfriend constantly putting me down

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