Why didn't he tell me?

marslip · 22-06-2009 04:13PM #1

I have a problem and need advice before I go totally crazy. To summarise, I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost 2 years. Both of us are in our 30s and it's the most serious relationship I've had (I thought we actually had a future together).

I was talking to my boyfriends's best friend on a night out recently and he mentioned my bf's 'condition'. Basically he has an illness that means a seriously shortened life span (living to 40-50 usually at the most), impotence & a lot of possible pain in the future.

The problem is this: my boyf never told me about this (I had to pretend I knew to the friend). Firstly Im horrified at what I've read since that night out and upset that he would have to go through something like this.

Mostly I feel so hurt that at this stage of our relationship that he couldn't trust me enough to tell me about this. I can't help feeling that he didn't take us seriously as a couple (even though he has told me often that he loves me).

If we stayed together then there would be a lot of tough decisions like whether we could have kids and I don't know if thats something I could bear to take on, on top of the fact that I woudl essentially be sharing my life with a ticking time bomb.

I don't know what to do now - should I tell him I know or walk away? I feel like a horrible person for being so selfish but it is tearing me up inside. I feel like I have been living a lie for the last 2 years!!

WIZE · 22-06-2009 04:18PM

How do you know its true?

I think you should ask your Boyfriend because im sure he knows better

LegacyUser · 22-06-2009 04:24PM

I definitely think you should bring it up with your partner. I don't doubt that the friend was telling the truth from their perspective but its a total case of chinese whispers, he might have some of the details quite mixed up! You need to ask your partner about it and get all the correct info before making such an important decision.

Try to bring it up in as nice a way as possible, let him know you are there for him and want to know all the details. I wouldn take it too personally that he didnt tell you before, he probly didn want to in the start coz he didnt want to freak you out and then it probly got to the stage where he felt it was 2late to tell ya! Plus he probly was too scared incase youd run away. Seems lik he might have had the right notion seen as you're considerin it huh?!?! Talk it out!! Communication is key

Good luck!

SarahSassy · 22-06-2009 04:25PM

First of all do check with your bf what the story is....

If it is true, then that is very sad for him but it does not excuse the way in which he treated you. This should have been on the agenda as soon as things started to get serious with you two... i would be very pissed.

hobochris · 22-06-2009 04:26PM

I think you should also put yourself in your boyfriends shoes.. would you tell a partner if there was a good chance they would walk away. pretty much exiling yourself from any romantic relationship with the opposite sex as many would have the same mindset as yourself.

It can't be a nice feeling knowing that your number may be up sooner then most and knowing this will mark you as damaged goods to any potential partner you reveal it to.

Your reaction in your op justifies your BF's actions by not telling you.

Crotchety · 22-06-2009 04:30PM

I think it's selfish to leave the man because he has an illness. Grow up OP. Love him. He didn't tell you because he knew it would annoy you.

SarahSassy · 22-06-2009 04:36PM

Should she not leave him, if it is true, cos he has told (by omission) a monumemtal lie for the past 2 years.

marslip · 22-06-2009 04:36PM

Of course I want to support him and if it the case that he told me how things stood in the beginning then I might or might not have walked away.

I'm not saying even that I would walk away now, I hope things work out for us (well actually I hope it was all just a horrible dream but thats just human I guess).

I know I'm coming across as horrible and selfish but I'm trying not to be.

As I said though I'm in my thirties, not early twenties, at the age where I'm thinking of settling down and this is absolutely huge, too difficult to even get my head around as it came completely out if the blue.

I know the friend isn't lying or has the story wrong (its his best friend since childhood & is more like a brother). Also, I can understand why he presumed I knew.

I know I have to say it to my OH, I just can't figure out how to approach it - it's obviously a massive deal to him and I don't think it will do any good me forcing him to talk.

marslip · 22-06-2009 04:41PM

Its not like mumps - its living with him knowing that we could only ever have a few years together & knowing that I probably wont have kids if I stay.

Youre calling me selfish, can you say without hesitation that you wouldnt walk?

Crotchety · 22-06-2009 04:50PM

Well you loved him before you knew so why suddenly the change?

When a man gets cancer the woman usually doesn't go "Oh right, sorry about that now. Goodbye".

SarahSassy · 22-06-2009 04:50PM

marslip wrote: »

Youre calling me selfish, can you say without hesitation that you wouldnt walk?

Dont let self-righteous bullies on here make you feel guilty... Selfish, who?? Well its not the OP. Its her bf who let her fall in love with him and still, 2 years later, has not told her that she probably cant have kids with him and he has a short life expectancy. He is the selfish one.

OP, ask him out straight. He owes you SERIOUS answers.

SarahSassy · 22-06-2009 04:51PM

♫ wrote: »

Well you loved him before you knew so why suddenly the change?

When a man gets cancer the woman usually doesn't go "Oh right, sorry about that now. Goodbye".

COS HE LIED TO HER!!!!!

If he knew he had cancer for 2 years but didnt tell her, would that be ok too?

Crotchety · 22-06-2009 04:55PM

You're not born with cancer. He was born with his illness. Don't treat the guy like an idiot would you. If she was really in love with him she would stay with him.

Oh The Humanity · 22-06-2009 04:56PM

♫ wrote: »

Well you loved him before you knew so why suddenly the change?

Well, there is the small matter of the person she is supposed to be closest to in the world has concealed a huge sad secret from her. In her shoes I would be so hurt that the person kept it from me.
I would feel sad and worried and dissappointed all at once. Its not just as simple as shrugging it off as nothing. The lie and the illness change things.

♫ wrote: »

When a man gets cancer the woman usually doesn't go "Oh right, sorry about that now. Goodbye".

Apples and oranges.

This man has had this existing condition all along and never told her. Thats a manipulation of her trust and not something that can easily be overlooked. OP was not given the chance to make the decisions because he withheld material facts from her. That is a transgression that she may or may not choose to forgive.

Laying a guilt trip on her is beside the point which is: he Lied. Bigtime.

Crotchety · 22-06-2009 04:59PM

Well the bloke put it at the back of his mind I'd say. Didn't want to be thinking his life was half over already. Ignore all the teenage angst here OP. Do the right thing and love the lad.

SarahSassy · 22-06-2009 05:05PM

♫ wrote: »

You're not born with cancer.

You can be but he wasnt. He lied - its that simple. Just because he has a terminal illness doesnt forgive the deciept for 2 years.

Crotchety · 22-06-2009 05:07PM

He wanted to put it behind him. He didn't want to depress himself for life with the fact he was going to die. Give the boy a break.

hobochris · 22-06-2009 05:08PM

Op I've one question which should help make this clearer for you:

Would you rather you never met him knowing his condition or glad to have him in your life regardless?

marslip · 22-06-2009 05:10PM

♫ wrote: »

Well the bloke put it at the back of his mind I'd say. Didn't want to be thinking his life was half over already. Ignore all the teenage angst here OP. Do the right thing and love the lad.

I do love him, very much. THats why this is all so hard - if he really loved me and saw this as more than some kind of stop gap, then why wouldn't he even trust me to tell me something that will have such an effect on my life/our life together going forward?

Oh The Humanity · 22-06-2009 05:18PM

♫ wrote: »

He wanted to put it behind him.

Well its not just all about him is it? They are a couple or supposed to be.

♫ wrote: »

He didn't want to depress himself for life with the fact he was going to die.

Irrelevant. The fact is he is ill and his supposed life partner has the right to know what she is getting involved in.

♫ wrote: »

Give the boy a break.

Nope. He has some explaining to do. At the very least.

Crotchety · 22-06-2009 05:18PM

There's no point in asking us people. Go to your GP. THey might be able to help. We aren't qualified to assist in such extremes I would think.

SarahSassy · 22-06-2009 05:21PM

♫ wrote: »

There's no point in asking us people. Go to your GP. THey might be able to help. We aren't qualified to assist in such extremes I would think.

HUh?

CathyMoran · 22-06-2009 05:21PM

I do not think that this has anything to do with the OP's partner having a long term illness (LTI) - it is all about trust. When you have a LTI it is always difficult deciding when you bring it up - I am a type 1 diabetic (amongst other things) and I never did with my first long term boyfriend but it felt wrong, on the other hand I have always said it straight away ever since...he did not tell you something that you needed to know and while I have a lot of sympathy for him he should have told you by this stage.

The ball is now in your court - firstly and most importantly you need to know if he really is ill and then you need to think things logically from there - also, when did he find out about his illness (appologies if you already know) - I do not envy your decision but do remember that you have had some wonderful times with him already so do not remember him badly if you do decide to leave.

MicraBoy · 22-06-2009 05:24PM

I do love him, very much. THats why this is all so hard - if he really loved me and saw this as more than some kind of stop gap, then why wouldn't he even trust me to tell me something that will have such an effect on my life/our life together going forward?

Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a very powerful coping mechanism that allows humans do the strangest things.

I do think you are selfish, all you can mention is about is how he doesn't love you or doesn't trust you, or how you won't have babies.

How about you just do what should have been done in the first place. Have an open conversation and actually listen to the other persons side of it. Then make a decision if this is the person you love and want to be with.

SarahSassy · 22-06-2009 05:27PM

MicraBoy wrote: »

I do think you are selfish, all you can mention is about is how he doesn't love you or doesn't trust you, or how you won't have babies.

Huh?? YEAH cos its her side of the story...

Are all the 'Sunday drivers' out today or something?

MsTempermental · 22-06-2009 05:28PM

I can see your dilemma, by not informing you sooner he basically robbed you of the choice to back away before you became too involved, for people to say your being selfish is unfair, they are not the ones who will have to deal with the grief of possibly becoming a widow long before you may have previously expected, either way if he has a terminal illness you will loose him, the question is do you want to loose him now or take the chance and hope you got much longer?

You need to know all your facts before you can make a decision...if its a case where he cant or shouldnt have children well if you want them you will have to look at your options, (donor sperm?) he really shouldnt have kept tis secret from you but now its a case of maybe letting that hurt go and seeing what exactly your future together will be like and if its the future you want.

marslip · 22-06-2009 05:28PM

CathyMoran wrote: »

I do not think that this has anything to do with the OP's partner having a long term illness (LTI) - it is all about trust. When you have a LTI it is always difficult deciding when you bring it up - I am a type 1 diabetic (amongst other things) and I never did with my first long term boyfriend but it felt wrong, on the other hand I have always said it straight away ever since...he did not tell you something that you needed to know and while I have a lot of sympathy for him he should have told you by this stage.

The ball is now in your court - firstly and most importantly you need to know if he really is ill and then you need to think things logically from there - also, when did he find out about his illness (appologies if you already know) - I do not envy your decision but do remember that you have had some wonderful times with him already so do not remember him badly if you do decide to leave.

Thanks for that. I don't hate him or anything even close. I'm not even angry really. In a way I can understand why he did it; it cant be easy to live with the idea never mind telling someone and risk them walking away. I'm not saying I will walk away, he has been the best thing that ever happened to me. I just need to get over the fact that he has hurt me so much (even if he didnt realise it) and decide whether it is something i can live with.

LegacyUser · 22-06-2009 05:34PM

Why are people getting so hung up on the lie? Some lies are somewhat understandable you know. The guy will probably be dead within 10-15 years, and will be going through some horrible stuff before then. He's had all this to deal with for who knows how long, and you're getting hung up on the fact that he didn't tell you for 2 years. 2 years is nothing. If I found out tomorrow that my girlfriend had a terminal illness and couldn't have kids because of it and had kept that knowledge from me for 2 years, anger would be the last thing on my mind. I'd pretty much just be consumed with worry, fear, sympathy and concern for my girlfriend. Get some perspective.

MicraBoy · 22-06-2009 05:38PM

SarahSassy wrote: »

Huh?? YEAH cos its her side of the story...

Are all the 'Sunday drivers' out today or something?

Apologies I didn't realise I wasn't entitled to post here. I bow to your superior post count.

Davei141 · 22-06-2009 05:44PM

He didn't tell you because more than likely you would of cleared off. I guess he didn't trust you with it and was right not to. If this was the case of a woman who wasn't able to have children due to illness she was born with and kept it quiet, i dont think militant bra burner sarah sassy would be putting the boot in then. Whichever way you try to convince yourself OP about being hurt by the deceipt and using that a reason to walk away, i believe it would just masking the fact you don't want to stay around for a person with a shortened life span. So was the guy really wrong about hiding it?

sunnyside · 22-06-2009 05:47PM

Maybe he didn't tell you because he enjoys living normally without people knowing. I don't think I'm explaining this well, people can treat you differently when they know you have an illness. If people don't know he has an illness then he gets treated like everybody else. Maybe very few people know about this illness, there clearly aren't many obvious symptoms, I'm thinking of something like MS, easily hidden from most people most of the time.

I can understand why you are mad, I would be too.

Why didn't he tell me?

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