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Uncomfortable relationship with my parents

  • 03-07-2009 12:23PM
    #1
    iguana2005
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 226 ✭✭


    Hello
    34 years of age...single..no kids..renting..working full time...just back from travelling abroad,..

    I have a very strained relationship with my parents - they both drink - not RAGING alcoholics but drinkers...mum would drink all day but would still go shopping etc...dad starts drinking wine during day now and is drunk after 1-2 glasses..if he goes out at night..nightmare...both in the 70's...Mum drank all my life...dad just started...both retired

    Anyhow..mum just called into my work place(and I noticed this with my dad too when he called in a while back)...my tummy goes into knots...dont enjoy their company(whether sober/drunk)...relief when they leave...I hate calling home/staying over as the atmosphere is tough...

    Feel SO SO guilty as all and I mean all my friends have great relationships with their parents...I do love them but feel the bond is gone...

    Anyone else in similar position? SHould I make the effort(now I always phone them easlily twice a week..they never phone me..ever...?) I wont even invite them to my house as I know it will be a drama and I cant relax with them...even coming back from travelling felt sad as knew I couldnt stay with my parents as would be living on egg shells and I cant do that anymore...

    My heart is sad writing this...I often think why God doesnt help them...they have everything but both very unhappy individuals...I have been though more downs then ups but I got help...should I help them?


Comments

  • #2
    Kevster
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,980 ✭✭✭Kevster


    Hi,

    Why don't you consider sending them emails instead of phoning? It is much easier that way. Ultimately, however, you are 34 and you have your own life to live. I am fairly confident that their alcohol [mis] use is partly to blame for this too, but you aren't responsible for their problems. You have your own life and worries. However, I believe that you should say it to them - perhaps even as a passing remark - that their drinking is creating a gap between you and them. You haven't explained everything here, so forgive me if my reply comes across as harsh/ignorant.

    Kevin


  • #3
    marblesolutions
    Closed Accounts Posts: 67 ✭✭marblesolutions


    I know how you feel and by the way I would suggest your Mum is defiently an alcoholic and possibly your Dad too. I know its hard to accept but from what you say I would think it is so.
    Like you my Dad was a raging alcoholic he died a relatively young man as a result. My mum is like your dad half way there. My relationship with her has defiently fizzed out over the last few years. She knows because I have told her how her drinking bothers me. Her attitude is we have all left home and her drinking isen't effecting anyone, wrong it always will. If I ring and she is drinking and talking bull I will cut the call very short.
    You like me will find that your relationship with them will gradualy fizzle out but do tell them how you feel even in a non confrontational way.
    It is sad I know we wish things were different they are not... We must accept that we can't change them... I know I tried everything with my dad but to no avail ...Move on don't cut them out totally but reduce calls don't feel guilty that should be how they feel ...You are responsible for your own happiness :o


  • #4
    iguana2005
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 226 ✭✭iguana2005


    thanks for replies...wish I could email them but they can barely use a mobile phone...both replies re-inforced my attitude that I cant help them no matter how bad their drinking/relationship gets...only one brother now at home who has threatened to move out but mum puts the 'oh you cant leave us like this' in his head...

    sad situation...life SUCKS for a lot of us down here...could do wit a reltively carefree life...husband..some kids to look forward too..buying a new house...etc...instead just treading dary murky water with no way out..SUCKS...


  • #5
    Kevster
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,980 ✭✭✭Kevster


    Well, like I implied, you are in your thirties now and have your own life to live. Granted, they are your parents, but if trying to get through to them is only going to start getting you depressed then you have to mentally separate from them. We don't always get dealt the right cards in life as I'm sure you're realising (or have already realised a long time ago).

    It's ironic, but if you can mentally separate yourself from them in this way, then you may be able to better help them. Sometimes, the people who can best help are the ones who aren't emotionally involved.

    Kevin


  • #6
    iguana2005
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 226 ✭✭iguana2005


    Kevster wrote: »
    Well, like I implied, you are in your thirties now and have your own life to live. Granted, they are your parents, but if trying to get through to them is only going to start getting you depressed then you have to mentally separate from them. We don't always get dealt the right cards in life as I'm sure you're realising (or have already realised a long time ago).

    It's ironic, but if you can mentally separate yourself from them in this way, then you may be able to better help them. Sometimes, the people who can best help are the ones who aren't emotionally involved.

    Kevin

    Whats happning now is she(mother) is starting to stay with me in my house - i hate it...I cant say no to her and its always after a fight/drunk with dad. she i tell her no?


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  • #7
    Kevster
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,980 ✭✭✭Kevster


    Just saying 'no' to her is not really the most constructive way out of this. However, giving her a time[frame within which to get things sorted IS a constructive way. You can tell her that you are willing to help her out, but not forever. If she feels that her husband (your father) is a ruining her life, then tell her to sort it out and move on and away from him. There's no time to be wasted being depressed at the hands of someone else.

    kevin


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