Something I wrote at 18

quincyk · 03-08-2009 11:27AM #1

...I only stress my age in the thread-title, as I'm 21 now; the writing is, perhaps, rather poor. But have a read anyway, sure.....

He died on the night she first told him she loved him. It was a car-accident, somewhere west off fifth. It was December. There was a light snow; the kind that looked pretty when it first fell, but died once it hit the ground, much to everyone's disappointment. Some suggested he'd tanked himself up on too much coke, and had fled a dying party hosted for some girl who was leaving the country forever. Or so she said. He was pronounced dead at the scene., and his pieces were tagged and stacked in a bag. It was rumored he had argued with a group of drunk black kids, and stormed off. It was rumored that he hit 110 along Burnside avenue. It was rumored the seatbelt cut right through his chest. It was known she was pregnant at the time. It's two years since he died, and she lives alone in Pacement square, unemployed and living off benefits. He was cremated; his ashes jetted into the air on the back of a firework at a dawn reception on a wet Tuesday morning. They clapped and cheered and cried. They did the same at the reception afterwards, and drank and smoked, too.
They were thought to have met at some Nietzsche celebration seminar that took place in Princeton High. After a few dates they had become what their friends would call an "item," and pretty much stayed together until the night he died. That was the previous spring. She was studying political science at the time, he had dropped out of College and had taken up a low-paying job stacking shelves in the type of supermarket that would make you want to kill yourself. They'd see one another on Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays and every second Sunday, and on occasions would meet briefly on whatever other days suited. They ate at cheap restaurants, walked around cheap, deserted malls, and go to shows whenever a band hit town. She was much thinner then; fingers like cigarettes, he sometimes wondered how she'd look blowing away into the sky from the wind. She bought clothes from the salvation army store down on west-hasten avenue

EileenG · 03-08-2009 02:30PM

It has potential, but needs rewriting.

For a start, split each idea or scene into a separate paragraph. You've got what is almost a whole story in two paragraphs. Go back and sort it out, so that the accident, the funeral, the courtship all have their own paragraph. Two or three if necessary.

Names would be helpful.

Is there any more?

Poppy78 · 03-08-2009 07:45PM

If that is all there is to it, then it reminds me more of a song than pure prose. That's not negative criticism, some of my favorite poetry comes from songs.

If there is more I hope you vary your pace a bit in the next few paragraphs. Any more of those machine gun lines and I would need a lie down.

Your ideas are good though and your style of writing is interesting.

If you did that when you are eighteen I would imagine you are fairly good now [provided you kept going in between]. Have you any more you wouldn't mind sharing?

PurpleBee · 04-08-2009 08:47AM

"fingers like cigarettes"

I like that image and I'd like to know more which is a good sign.

bakkiesbotha · 04-08-2009 09:08AM

Somebody said he came from New Orleans, where he got in a fight over a Cajun queen,
And a crashing blow from a huge right hand sent a Louisiana fella to the promised land

fintonie · 04-08-2009 09:14AM

takes me back I had a book of ballads, songs, which I wrote in my teens but alas it went missing never found out what happened to it, but would be good to see it now to see what state me head was in.

LiamMc · 09-08-2009 05:10PM

You repeat some words. But that is okay also, I think you should keep on writing. And try and get material published. Then you can compare stuff you wrote previously.

But what you wrote before is still good.

Killer_banana · 18-08-2009 05:25PM

Very good. I really like it and think it's well written (but I'm only seventeen so what do I know :P). One or two sentences seemed a bit out of place and I thought the ending was slightly abrupt but otherwise very very good. I really like your writing style and hope you're still writing.

Something I wrote at 18

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