Mood Swings.. Depression?

LegacyUser · 03-10-2009 7:24pm #1

I'm a 22-year-old girl and I've just entered my first serious relationship with a really wonderful guy.

Overall, I've had a pretty terrible life full of tragedies and traumas up to now. My best friend was my father, I was closer to him than anyone ever. He was killed in a terrible accident 18-months ago, and I had to play the strong, in-control person to support my mother and siblings following his death.

This wasn't the first tragedy I'd encountered in life, just one of many.

My mother cheated on my father all of my life and seems to genuinely hate me for catching her out when I was a teenager. She treats me terribly, but is incredibly good at being false, treating me wonderfully in front of others and always making me out to be a bad person. She does this when talking to my boyfriend all the time, "jokingly" lands me in ****, puts me down, "warns him" about what a controlling, bossy *bitch* I am.

She's also managed over time to turn my siblings to loathe me, and see me as the controlling bossy person of the family, purely because I tried to influence them to go to college, strive for a good future, stuff my father would've successfully managed but now my mother has managed to lead them all to a life of sleeping in until 4 p.m. every day and driving them around to collect their weekly dole check.

My father would turn in his grave should he see this. MY family were so well-to-do before his death. I can't help but view my mother as total trash.

It's probably much of the above that has me in the state I'm now in.

Over time, her being an incredibly negative person turned me into one. Over the past year, I've been working hard to combat this, and I think since finding love for the first time, I've done very well in getting past negativity. I wish I could say the same about my young siblings.

But one thing I don't seem to be able to get past since the death of my father is my mood swings. I wasn't even completely aware of them until my boyfriend finally lost his patience over them. I can wake up in the morning in a wonderful mood, then the smallest thing upsets me or ticks me off and I instantly hit a low and the only way I can see fit to deal with it is to go to bed for a few days.

Since meeting my boyfriend, I no longer go to bed for days in manic depression. I don't constantly ponder suicide anymore. But I do still get very low and become mute, unwilling to talk and unable to cheer up.
He doesn't know how to handle it, and feels personally offended when I turn away from him in bed to be alone.

I honestly don't mean to hurt him, and want to fix this. I'm surprised he's stuck around for this long, because he's one of those tough, macho guys from rural Ireland that has zero experience of handling moody women.

He's reached the point where he doesn't feel he can put up with me being like this twice a week. He said he could handle it a couple of times a month, but I seem to get so angry and low so easily that he just doesn't want to be around it all of the time, it brings him down and he doesn't know how to fix it.

I initially reacted to this with extreme anger, told him to just dump me and forget about it if he can't handle ME. But the more I think about it, I realise this isn't *ME*, this is a shell of the person I once was. I was happy, outgoing and always fun. I was careless and free. Always positive. I was like my father was.

Now, the smallest thing ruins my day. I absolutely love animals, and my dog was sick yesterday. This instantly destroyed my day. All I could foresee was having to put my dog down, losing the only friend I can truly completely trust (I have extreme trust issues which is a whole other issue, probably due to my mother's years of cheating) so I ruined a wonderful evening my bf and I had planned. It was totally unnecessary. The dog was fine again today, and I lost a whole day due to unnecessary worry.

Every time, after it happens, I'm fully aware that it was stupid to get so low unnecessarily. I always worried more than I should, but growing up, my father would tell me "That's nothing to worry about" and I'd instantly believe him, and stop worrying.

I'm a very logical person in all other ways, I hold a very successful career based on my logical thinking, and I hate that I can't seem to tap into this logic when I get low.

I don't know if this is depression? I just want it to go away before I lose my boyfriend. I want to be able to *get over stuff*. I think that's always been a huge problem of mine. An inability to get over stuff.

I still can't handle the years of trauma my mother caused my family to endure. I want to explain it to my boyfriend, so he understands me and my mood swings a little better, but am completely unable to speak about it.

I'm unable to speak aloud about any of my problems, so therapy isn't an option. That, and I don't believe in it anyway. I don't want to be put on pills to get through my day.

Would appreciate anyone being able to give me tips on overcoming mood swings in a natural way. I have managed to deal with other aspects of my life alone, and I know I can do this, I just need a little guidance through it.

LegacyUser · 04-10-2009 1:33pm

Staying in bed would be a classic symtom of depression. Along with appetite, concentration, motivation.
You mention manic depression but that is characterised by very low periods and very high periods. Its a very particular type of disorder.
I think you have a real handle on what may be causing you distress and be willing to recognise the causes and not repress them or dress them up which is really good. But I think you would really benefit from fleshing this out with a counsellor, psychotherapist, psychologist or if you cant afford that maybe someone you can trust.
I think some more communication with your boyfriend about these issues would help too. He would understand better. You have a right to talk about these things with him to some extent.

lynsalot · 04-10-2009 5:39pm

Hi OP,

Only a doctor can actually diagnose you with depression so I'm unsure whether someone here can tell you that. :In fairness you've had a lot to deal with and there's no shame in admitting that you're having a hard time getting over it. There are two types of depression, one which stems from experiences in your life as opposed to clinical depression

You've said therapy isn't an option. Why do you think you can't talk about things? You've written out a few details about your past so you obviously feel that reaching out will offer you some kind of solace.

You know that you need to deal with your past and to do that you need to start exploring how you're feeling. I would suggest visiting your GP to see what he/she suggests. I really think talking to someone will help. If it doesn't then you've lost nothing right? It's worth trying?

It sounds like your mother has been very tough on you. Perhaps talking to someone will allow you some peace for yourself. You're not responsible for the actions of those around you. You're only responsible for yourself and it's ok to feel the way you do. Your boyfriend wants to help but he's not qualified in the way a counsellor would be. A counsellor will only facilitate ways for you to explore your past. It may even alievate some of the problems with your boyfriend.

You're still suffering a bereavement aswell as everything else, so it's ok to feel low and not be able to fix it. You've had a huge thing happen to you. You are not alone. There are people all over this world suffering with the same problems... but you can help yourself but speaking to someone. Even just trying it out.

Have you tried taking up a new hobby? Might sound silly but if you find something you love doing, not only does it act as a distraction it will keep your mind focused and give you something to look forward to. I hope I've helped if even a little bit.

Moomoo1 · 04-10-2009 6:04pm

A mood-swing partner is probably one of the hardest things to deal with. You never know whether to be angry or supportive, and whichever you do you risk ending up on the receiving end. They are also very hard to understand for people who don't really have them (like myself).

I am just thinking: does your OH offer to help you discuss your mood swings and your underlying problems? And if/when he does, do you tell him to clear off? If you do, can you analyse why you do it, why don't you trust him with your feelings?

You do show signs of depression I must say, although I am in no way qualified to tell.

LegacyUser · 05-10-2009 10:03am

Have you considered that talking therapy IS the "natural way"?

We don't know here if you are clinically depressed in a way that could be helped by medication, a doctor would have to tell you that. But so many people here have been helped by counselling or psychotherapy, how can you be so sure it is not for you?

Is it possible that your negative attitude towards therapy is part of your overall problem of negativity? Do you believe that you deserve to be happy and to shake off the negativity that has damaged your life so far? If yes, why would you reject anything that even MIGHT help you take a step forward?

It can be difficult to put things into words, but you have already taken one step by doing it in writing. A counsellor provides a safe, professional, non-judgmental listening environment and you will find it gets easier to talk. You will benefit so much from drawing a line under the negative elements of your past, but you won't achieve this by suppressing it inside you so that it erupts increasingly often in bad moods, anger and hopelessness.

LegacyUser · 07-10-2009 9:06pm

OP here. Thanks to you all for your comments. I probably ought to see a therapist, but there are a couple of reasons I continue to rule this out.

One, cost. I'm earning okay these days but the future is hard to predict and as it is, I have my money tied up in several projects. I definitely don't have the money to go paying for a therapist. And on another note, I don't have time generally for therapy. I tend to be busy all of the time these days, which was my way of trying to combat this place I'm in. I don't go to bed for days anymore, I rarely allow myself to go to bed in a mood at all. Instead I continue through my now very busy life mute, sad, angry, difficult to deal with (when I get low).

Two, I suppose I could almost describe myself as mentally quite macho, though I'm a girl. I've always been extremely tough and independent, and tend to have a fairly negative view towards therapy. No offence to anyone intended, but I've always thought therapy was giving in, for the weak, or something. While I am weak and ought to give in, I seem to be unable/unwilling to cross the line. I want to be self-sufficient, to solve this myself. I find myself wondering how ancient man coped, before every little niggle in one's life was 'fixed' by a trained professional.

Three, and the main reason I'm against therapy; I just find it impossible to talk, mostly because I HATE dragging up all of the bad stuff. It completely destroys me to even think about it, let alone speak it aloud. I never have, and would far prefer to forget it and learn to move past, leaving it far behind.
I've never been a believer in dragging up the terrible parts of one's life, and have always seen it as a way for a person to bring drama into their life. Perhaps there are times where it can help, but I really don't think it could help me.

Perhaps I'm just a hopeless case? But even writing it here was virtually impossible for me. I wish I could tell it all to my bf, because I do think he'd understand and try his best to listen but I guess I have trust issues coming from my past there because I always think; what if I tell him all of my deepest darkest secrets about my ****ed up family/life and, assuming he isn't scared off there and then, what if we break up in a month or two and I have to worry forever more about him knowing all of that and being free to do with the info what he wishes. I did get stung a couple of times in the past (every time in fact) when I spoke up and completely regretted it.
Stupid, I'm sure, but that's what I fear. That, and I just can't bring myself to talk through it all. I'd spend the rest of my life in therapy if I was to try and dig up the bad incident by incident. The thought of sitting down and starting at "My name is.." is exhausting to me. I'm really not a people/social person.

I don't enjoy talking about personal feelings. I just want to be fixed without that, but maybe that's impossible??

Lynsalot, thanks for your advice. In most cases, I'd imagine a new hobby was a great idea, but unfortunately I have endless hobbies, and it doesn't seem to have helped me at all. I'll still do them when I hit a low but I'm only there physically, while my mind is miles away. I don't seem to be able to distract myself from the low/bad moods. They take me over.

Don't know if anyone can offer further advice, but I'll be here reading replies. Thanks again all.

Moomoo1 · 07-10-2009 9:22pm

but what's so screwed up about your family life? Ok, your mum cheated on your dad and treats you terribly: but what's so shameful about this that you need to keep it even from the closest people to you?

Also, think of it this way: suppose there is a 10% chance you break up, and 10% chance that can't keep secrets. So there is 0.1x0.1=0.01 chance that it will get out via him. And even if it comes out, so what? That's not something to torture yourself about.

Not being able to talk to anyone about these things is (in my mind) one of the main problems.

EDIT: I understand it being hard to talk, but think what this is like for people around you. Imagine yourself sitting on a bomb. It may go off in a minute, in an hour, or in a week. You don't know what can set it off. How would a person feel in that situation? This is what it must be like for people around you.

LegacyUser · 07-10-2009 9:35pm

You make valid points, and I think it's back to that 'macho' aspect of my personality again. Or perhaps being too proud or something.

I fought serious illness throughout my childhood, and was always seen physically as a weakling, spending months at a time in hospital, etc. Until I was 19 or 20, I was constantly asked by family/friends/etc "Are you okay?", in relation to regularly being ill. I loathed this, and always felt the need to deny any illness, not wanting to be seen as the 'sick kid' all the time. I always said I was doing well, even if I was close to death's door. While at death's door several times, my father was there beside my hospital bed while my mother partied and whored around with various men. She didn't care about me then and seems to have progressively developed a loathing for me since, something I don't understand. My bf is seeing more and more hints of this of late, particularly over the past few days, and just doesn't understand. I can't explain it to him, because I don't know what I ever did that was so wrong either, apart from being aware/wise to her behaviour.

I guess I see the type of behaviour my mother had as trashy, low, cheap, nasty. It completely disgusts me. I'm ashamed of it, of her. My father was so well respected, such a wonderful, kind, caring, charitable man. He was admired by all. He never said a bad word about anyone, helped all and always did the right thing. I know in my small rural region that should such info about my mother's behaviour become widespread knowledge, my family's reputation would forever be tainted/destroyed. I know that's not right, and that few could understand this (unless you're from a similar very small, rural community) but I don't want to be dragged down by her behaviour now. She's a widow now, she can do what she wants, and part of me fears she will though she doesn't seem to have started screwing around yet. She's been too busy being drunk and abusive.

You're right, that's a big part of my problem, the inability to speak about these things/fix them.

LegacyUser · 07-10-2009 9:40pm

And just to add, no-one other than my bf really sees my moody side. It's him and only him I want to fix this for, because I don't want to lose the first bit of happiness I've ever experienced. So I wouldn't be viewed as a time bomb.

Perhaps some may note that I'm in a perkier mood some days than others, but for the most part I'm very level-headed. My bf was a friend for many years and never saw this side of me until he got to know me as a lover/best friend.

I've always been very good at hiding my feelings away, but my bf is around me constantly, and it's difficult to conceal anything from him because in every other way, he knows me so well. Even when I have tried to hide it, he's been able to detect I'm not quite myself.

LegacyUser · 07-10-2009 10:47pm

Moody Lady,

I can relate to several points you make about your characteristics and attitudes, the reluctance to talk about feelings and the feelings themselves.

You have a lot going on. I'm not in a position to go through many of your points or to offer help.

Except that I see a lot of myself in your post. You share my reluctance to therapy for financial reasons as much as anything.

Recently I got a book called Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for Dummies and have been dipping in to it. It explains things in simplist terms and much of it is common sense. When our brains are addled, it is difficult to think clearly, to think rationally, to think better. I wont say the book has helped me enormously yet. I am just starting really. But I see it as a tiny, baby step forward. Maybe it will help me make some progress in my own time on my own, even a small bit, to think differently. Maybe it will de-mystify therapy for me and I will try some when cost is less a factor. When and if I do, I hope it is so successful I end up berating myself for waiting so long.
There is a major, potentially life-altering event on-going for me in the last couple of years which has caused me enormous and accumulating stress and the event has yet to peak. I have endured horrible thoughts of self harm as a result of this stress and I realise the dangers and seriousness of these.
As a reluctant talker, I am trying to bear everything as best I can. I hope you can do the same.
Best of luck Moody Lady. I hope you can find peace with all that's going on.

anniehoo · 07-10-2009 11:35pm

OP, im not going unreg for this as..one i couldnt be bothered but two, the only other person on here who knows my situation will know me either way.;)

Ive never read a PI that reads so much as my life as yours do. You're a tough cookie..or so you think. Except im 30 and i fear the damage is well done. I too, love my dad and have major issues with my mother. To be v honest, i have problems with both of them but my dad has been the "stronger" parent over recent years so i tend to lean towards him more. I too have probs with low moods, mainly due to family issues, that to me arent "normal" but for whatever reason (just time) have become the norm in my family.

I wish wish WISH i had got counselling at your age. Im now too proud and too stubborn to go to one so i understand why you're reluctant to go.Believe me when i say, it doesnt get better and you will lose your bf if you dont a.forget about your family or b.work through it and get counselling. You may think you're dealing with "it" but trust me, your brain is a minefield of emotions and this is the main one to deal with right now.

Your story is me 8 years ago...and i regret every single year since then when ive fecked up relationships due to worrying about family stuff.

Moomoo1 · 08-10-2009 1:02am

ok, I see OP. So you are afraid that if stuff about your mother comes out you will get tarnished with the same brush, right? How about then you tell your bf about the illness and your mother's dislike of you, not saying what the reasons are?

And I still disagree with you about the mood swings - they could affect others more than you realise.

Mood Swings.. Depression?

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