Cut off all contact w/ ex gf - give me strenght

El Diablo 101 · 03-11-2009 05:48PM #1

Hi All,
I was dumped by my ex 48 hours ago. She was saying she still cares about me blah blah blah. But she says that she wants to be alone for a while and doesnt want ANYONE. I am devastated over it. She said she wanted us to be 'just friends'

Yesterday, we met up to sort out remainding issues, getting clothes back etc. and after a few kisses, I said I never want to be just friends, so in effect, saying I don't want to be her friend. She said she didn't want to go to an event we had planned at Christmas because there 'might be tension there'. What sort of friend would do that? I feel us 'being friends' is just to alleviate her guilty feelings for breaking it off.

I deleted her from facebook/myspace and have deleted her number. Yesterday, she sends me a text late at night saying :

'I've thought about everything, you're right, we can't be friends, we can't be anything at all, its sad but you're right'

Why would she send me that message? What point did it have?We sorted everything out earlier that day. I didn't write back. Is she just a headcase? Is she looking for a response from me? I'm not going to contact her...but its hard..I'm trying to stay strong

From previous posts/threads, Wibbs is the man to set blokes straight

opinion guy · 03-11-2009 06:02PM

El Diablo 101 wrote: »

Hi All,
I was dumped by my ex 48 hours ago. She was saying she still cares about me blah blah blah. But she says that she wants to be alone for a while and doesnt want ANYONE. I am devastated over it. She said she wanted us to be 'just friends'

Yesterday, we met up to sort out remainding issues, getting clothes back etc. and after a few kisses, I said I never want to be just friends, so in effect, saying I don't want to be her friend. She said she didn't want to go to an event we had planned at Christmas because there 'might be tension there'. What sort of friend would do that?

Sorry to hear that dude.

I feel us 'being friends' is just to alleviate her guilty feelings for breaking it off.

Usually the case

I deleted her from facebook/myspace and have deleted her number. Yesterday, she sends me a text late at night saying :

'I've thought about everything, you're right, we can't be friends, we can't be anything at all, its sad but you're right'

Could be she just realises you are right

Why would she send me that message? What point did it have?We sorted everything out earlier that day. I didn't write back. Is she just a headcase? Is she looking for a response from me? I'm not going to contact her...but its hard..I'm trying to stay strong

Could be she just had thought about it and finally agreed. Could be guilt. could be she wanted to get an answer to give her hope you might change your mind about staying friends. Could be she thinks agreeing with you will soften your attitude towards her. Could be a million things.

Little hard to say since we don't know why ye broke up

From previous posts/threads, Wibbs is the man to set blokes straight

Yup. and the grandmaster.

Wagon · 03-11-2009 06:29PM

El Diablo 101 wrote: »

Why would she send me that message? What point did it have?

Maybe she wants you to contact her again and start a conversation out of what she said so she can keep you in a sort of temporary friendship. She might only be just realising what a break up entails now and suddenly might miss the emotional support that you've been giving her for the last few years. If the contact doesn't end on definate terms, she'll feel she can contact you sometimes when she's lonely. Good for her and shyte for you because then when she's okay with being "alone", then she can ignore you and say "we decided NOT to be friends, i think we should stick with that".

So you're spot on with what you're doing. ie. not texting back.

G-Money · 03-11-2009 06:39PM

I'm not really sure why she sent that text, but regardless, not responding was the right move.

Many people on here know that I am almost always opposed to the let's just be friends routine. In my mind, for a friendship to work, each side must be equal and one musn't want more from the other.

When couples finish, quite often one or the other will play the friends card. Usually because...

A: They are feeling guilty for hurting the other person

B: They want to be single but want this person to hang around and give them an ego boost until they meet someone else.

Or possibly some mix of the two.

If you're not ok with being friends, you did the right thing by saying that. It can be hard to stick to it, especially when you like the girl. But I think what you really like is being with her, as in being in a relationship with her.

In my mind, you should only be friends with a girl if you aren't interested in getting her knickers off and if you are perfectly ok with her going out with other guys.

As I've said on other threads, there's this invisible pressure in society that just being friends is the mature adult thing to do. It's almost like it doesn't matter to some people how painful it is for the person who got dumped and how unfair it is for them to sit there and feel rejected and depressed, while they have to watch the person that dumped them sail off into the sunset with someone else without a care in the world. It's there's this blind assumption that "just being friends" is harmless. It's like "what can go wrong? We're just friends". They don't realise that you don't have to be in a relationship with someone to hurt them just as badly.

I'm going to be cynical and say I'm not sure I'd believe her when she says she doesn't want to be with anyone. My own theory is that most girls are with someone else within a month of ending a relationship. I can also see her somehow bringing this up when it happens. So be prepared for lots of waffly rubbish like "it just happened", "we had chemistry" or the "having fun" lines. Hopefully you won't have to deal with that though.

Anyway, you's are finished now and it's tough. You'll go through a range of emotions, but you have an advantage on a lot of other guys in that you didn't just go limp like a wet noodle and agree to be friends. Also, top marks for deleting her from your Facebook and stuff and for deleting the number.

Good luck with your recovery. You're well on the way already, even though you might not feel like you are.

El Diablo 101 · 03-11-2009 08:02PM

Thanks guys. I got a weird impression that she just wanted me to text back to make her feel better or something. I didn't. Why she felt like she had to text me just wrecks my head cause we sorted it out? But its extremely extremely hard. I want to get in touch with her, but know that it will lead to more heartbreak and agony in the long-run. It's tough...

BraziliaNZ · 03-11-2009 08:04PM

you're doing really well, usually just after being dumped most blokes are freaking out calling and texting and going nuts. Just keep it up for as long as you can and you'll be a winner!

Wibbs · 03-11-2009 08:27PM

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

you're doing really well, usually just after being dumped most blokes are freaking out calling and texting and going nuts. Just keep it up for as long as you can and you'll be a winner!

+1

Wibbs · 03-11-2009 08:27PM

El Diablo 101 wrote: »

'I've thought about everything, you're right, we can't be friends, we can't be anything at all, its sad but you're right'

Why would she send me that message?

Maybe it is what it is? She's thought about it and realises you're dead right about her friends request. It could be a call for more contact, but having been on the receiving of really good/bad exponents of the "I'm selfish/guilty/daft, so lets be friends while I reject you as a lover and if you don't Ill emotionally balckmail you into it" types, it doesn't really sound like that. It sounds like it should be taken at face value. Fair play to her too, this early on. She seems to have some insight.

El Diablo 101 · 03-11-2009 08:40PM

Wibbs, I think you're right. Its a tough pill to swallow. If I'm to be honest with myself, I would like her as a friend, but I know in the long run that it would only lead to heartbreak and anguish for myself, and she would have less respect for me as a person. I wish things could just be like how they once were, but thats fantasyland. TBH, I'm trying to not contact her in spite of wanting to. So other men can see that it can be done, despite the tough feelings.

Its just, why doesn't she feel bad? Why isn't she rushing to call/ text me? Why am I the gobshi.. that feels like crap?

Thats it I suppose though.....I feel so down

Tough times are ahead...

kjl · 03-11-2009 08:55PM

IDK, I certainly wouldn't want to be friends 48 hours after the break up, but I am still friends with a lot of my ex's. It's not a terrible thing, it does work sometimes.

I dont mean this to be offensive, but do you think that maybe its your attitude is the reason for the break up, like 2 days after and you delete ever part of her from you life. Seems a bit rush for me.

And if she was being genuine in her reasons for breaking up, then why would you treat her in this manner? If you are that ready to never see her again, then why were you in a relationship with her in the first place.

Why would she send you a txt like that, probably because that's what she thinks you want her to say, you're the one who was insisting on it.

It sounds to me like you are an immature person, and if this is the way you need to deal with it that's fine, but she didn't cheat on you, she just needed a break and you flew off the handle.

Just throwing a spanner in the works

extrinzic · 03-11-2009 09:14PM

I agree with KjI, I think its a bit premature to destroy all links just yet. She may just need space at the mo, and perhaps you weren't giving it to her! Just give it some time, and understand that the more you push her the further away she will be. If it comes down to it, and you are through, then cut contact.

El Diablo 101 · 03-11-2009 09:28PM

I understand that from a certain standpoint, but if you look at it from my perspective.

1) I have just been dumped by a girl I loved. Am I expected not to be sad/a little annoyed? (please take 'annoyed' how I mean it)

2) She wants to put me in the friends zone while she is single, because she 'doesn't want anyone'. I think it would be painful to be her friend. Especially as my feelings of love and hurt for her, are a pretty raw mixture right now. What if I never get out of that friend space, and just get jerked around. I would have never stood up for myself.

3) Should a break-up not be a clean quick break up? And wouldn't being friends just pro-long hurt?

Dord · 03-11-2009 09:50PM

Clean break up with no contact afterwards is best for everyone. Just think of it like ripping off a plaster quickly... it'll hurt for a while but in the end you're better off. Whereas if you rip it slowly it'll hurt for longer.

martdalto · 03-11-2009 09:55PM

like 2 days after and you delete ever part of her from you life. Seems a bit rush for me.

And if she was being genuine in her reasons for breaking up, then why would you treat her in this manner? If you are that ready to never see her again, then why were you in a relationship with her in the first place.

I think its a bit premature to destroy all links just yet.

You see I don't agree! Who says he is "That ready to never see her again".. Deleting somebodies contact details, doesn't mean that you will never see them again! A few weeks/months down the line when he has gotten his head around all this, it'll be very easy to "find" her again, if he so wishes!

At the moment, if he still has all her details close to hand it will be always too tempting to contact her. He has made it clear that, for the moment, it is too hard for him to have any contact with her. So, for the moment, he doesn't need to have her contact details.

As I said, when things settle down and he's not as hurt, or doesn't want to be in a relationship with her anymore THEN he can contact her casually.

Just because somebody finishes with YOU, doesn't mean that you are OK with being finished with THEM. He still wants a relationship with her, she doesn't. The best way for him to move on, for the moment(!), is to have no contact and to allow himself time to get over it.

Contact details can always be replaced!

OP, take your time with this. I don't know why she sent you the message, it could be any number of reasons. You did right not to reply.

You need time to yourself, to grieve. Take your time and who knows, someday before too long, you might be contacting her to just say "Hi, how's it going" - and not feel anything other than a passing affection for her.

Mind yourself - you'll be ok!

Toodles09 · 03-11-2009 10:00PM

It must be the season for break ups....OP I feel for you, i'm sure you're feeling raw now. Take some time out for yourself, keep busy. Keeping contact will only recycle your pain over and over. Keep strong

El Diablo 101 · 03-11-2009 10:06PM

Thanks, hopefully that time will come where I will be able to see her casually. Let me swallow some pride here, and admit that I still love her. I still want to be with her. It's HER that doesn't want to be with ME. I think that I'll be hurt if I do, and she will have less respect for me in the long run.

Is a clean break the best option? The two posts two or three before this have messed me up, making me feel I'm being a little immature. I can't go crawling back now though

martdalto · 03-11-2009 10:17PM

El Diablo 101 wrote: »

making me feel I'm being a little immature.

You are NOT being immature. Of course you still love her! You don't just stop loving someone because they finish with you! That's not how it works.

You are not being immature, you are doing what YOU need to do to get over this and move on. Nobody can tell you what's right or wrong for YOU to do. Just because somebody else might handle it (or think they'd handle it) differently, doesn't mean that you have to do the same.

It's so hard for you now. Do what YOU need to do, to get you through this.

And believe me, a time will come (eventually) when you don't love her!

BraziliaNZ · 03-11-2009 10:37PM

you're not immature, far from it, you're doing a lot better than I've ever done in similar situations. I admire you actually. Just leave her. She doesn't want you to be her boyfriend, that's the harsh truth and why should she get to have you as a friend? She just wants to use you as a crutch now until she gets over you or finds someone else. She doesn't deserve that. Be a man and cut all contact. Much respect if you manage to do that already. Seriously!

El Diablo 101 · 03-11-2009 10:53PM

Thanks guys...I'm emotionally in bits to be honest. I am secretly hoping that she will call me during the week or something, and keep thinking 'What if she doesn't?'. It is extremely hard, especially as there is stuff going on at home too. The strength is coming from somewhere though... and I must say, the majority of you are keeping my spirits up somewhat - Thank You.

krudler · 03-11-2009 11:07PM

I hate the "be friends" part of a breakup, its a ****ing cop out, it can work if it was a short term thing and theres no hard feelings, but a long relationshop, cant work. You're right to delete all ways of contacting her, its funny how girls always want to be your friend after they rip your heart out, one of my exes did the same, she told me "I'm here for you if you want to talk about anything" it as her idea to break up! why would I talk to her about the breakup she initiated? women and their crazy logic...

rallye · 04-11-2009 12:04AM

I know exactly how you feel mate, i was in the same situation as you 2 years ago and do you know what, it turned my life around!! no joke!

The harsh reality is that she no longer wants you as a boyfriend, nothing you can say or do can change this right now. If a girl breaks up with me and wants to remain friends then i treat that as a downgrade, i only upgrade and so should you.

You seem to know what you have to do (cut all contact etc..) now the hard part is following through with it!

Keep yourself busy, go clubbing, playing soccer, hitting the gym etc..basically try and do anything that will keep your mind of her! Why would you want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with you?

Adopt the philosophy of abundance, there are tonnes of beautiful single girls out there, start enjoying been single and think positively.

Everything happens for a reason.

opinion guy · 04-11-2009 12:31AM

El Diablo 101 wrote: »

Its just, why doesn't she feel bad? Why isn't she rushing to call/ text me? Why am I the gobshi.. that feels like crap?

Well one reason is that this is not only 48 hours old to her like it is to you. Its been on her mind for a while. She had time to prepare for it and thought it thru ahead of time. Second thing is she probably does feel bad but isn't showing it - maybe partly because you said you couldn't be friends (but I agree with that move).

kjl wrote: »

......
I dont mean this to be offensive, but do you think that maybe its your attitude is the reason for the break up, like 2 days after and you delete ever part of her from you life. Seems a bit rush for me.

And if she was being genuine in her reasons for breaking up, then why would you treat her in this manner? If you are that ready to never see her again, then why were you in a relationship with her in the first place.

..........

It sounds to me like you are an immature person, and if this is the way you need to deal with it that's fine, but she didn't cheat on you, she just needed a break and you flew off the handle.

Just throwing a spanner in the works

Spanner in the works allright. I'm sorry but this is bang out of order kjl. The guy just got dumped, he has told us NOTHING about the circumstances or reasons why, and your telling him its his fault for being immature. Cop on would you. Thats WAY overinterpreting things.

El Diablo 101 wrote: »

Thanks, hopefully that time will come where I will be able to see her casually. Let me swallow some pride here, and admit that I still love her. I still want to be with her. It's HER that doesn't want to be with ME. I think that I'll be hurt if I do, and she will have less respect for me in the long run.

No need to swallow any pride. Thats natural way to feel. Pride is useless anyway.

Is a clean break the best option? The two posts two or three before this have messed me up, making me feel I'm being a little immature. I can't go crawling back now though

You're not being immature from what you've told us. Clean break i good for now.

I agree with KjI, I think its a bit premature to destroy all links just yet. She may just need space at the mo, and perhaps you weren't giving it to her! Just give it some time, and understand that the more you push her the further away she will be. If it comes down to it, and you are through, then cut contact.

Ok now thing is. OP isn't pushing. He's not pulling either. He's just told her how he feels and she's accepted it. He's not being rude or anything. He's being measured. As others have pointed out links can always be repaired. To play devil's advocate - IF, IF it was a space thing as suggested here, and frankly I see no reason to assume that, then you should be doing the EXACT same thing anyhow, cause all you are actually doing is giving space.

extrinzic · 04-11-2009 01:12AM

Ok. Just struck me that she might feel a little crowded if ".. she says that she wants to be alone for a while and doesn't want ANYONE." You are right though, he should do what he is doing.

Amazotheamazing · 04-11-2009 02:12AM

I think the OP is being incredibly mature. I agree the "let's be friends" thing is a myth and will only lead to short term misery.

If you had replied last night, you'd be letting her back into your life for a while. You'd either wait for a reply, which would or wouldn't come. If it came, you'd be tempted to reply again, just chat, feel bad about the old times etc. if it didn't come, you'd be "why isn't she texting me? Maybe it didn't deliver, maybe her phone's off, maybe she's with someone else and can't text, oh my god, she's alreay moved on and won't even spare the 10c it would take to text me" Slightly over dramatic maybe, but it'd be along those lines.

Nothing good could come from you replying. Nothing.

She is the one who said you weren't who she wanted. She doesn't get to decide if ye stay friends, after all, she has nothing to lose by staying friends with you but she could gain you as a crutch, a guy she leans on when she needs an ego boost, etc. On the otherhand, you have nothing to gain by staying friends with her. She has already told you she doesn't want you, what could she have for you that you couldn't get somewhere else eventually? You will make new friends, girlfriends etc.

It's your decision to make, but you've made the right one by cutting her off. Stick with it.

BraziliaNZ · 04-11-2009 09:43AM

This is all great advice fellas, I'm in similar situation to the OP, no contact now but sometimes I get so angry and just want to text/email/call her telling her she's a fat selfish b*tch from hell (Think I'm in the anger stage!). But that would only put her on the higher ground. So we all need to just get on with our lives and let their memories fade. Easier said than done though.

Should there be a "So you've been dumped" sticky?

defence forces · 04-11-2009 09:50AM

why does life have to be so difficult all the time? there should be a faulty item return policy on relationships/ fcukbuddies whatever. whatever about the heartbreak hopefully this way one would recoup any money wasted on said partner.

Wibbs · 04-11-2009 09:51AM

opinion guy wrote: »

Well one reason is that this is not only 48 hours old to her like it is to you. Its been on her mind for a while. She had time to prepare for it and thought it thru ahead of time.

Very good point.

Spanner in the works allright. I'm sorry but this is bang out of order kjl. The guy just got dumped, he has told us NOTHING about the circumstances or reasons why, and your telling him its his fault for being immature. Cop on would you. Thats WAY overinterpreting things.

+1. Just because he's trying to move on does not mean he didnt love her or any of that. I mean she loved him and she's leaving him. Same coin different sides. Though her side is the more selfish masquerading as "friendship". If I choose to have someone in my life and love them, I can also choose to let them go fully if they decide to leave. As rallye said why downgrade?

LegacyUser · 04-11-2009 10:10AM

Hi,

I have followed almost all of the "Break Up" posts here on boards.ie over the past couple of months since my own relationship of 20 years finished and I have found the advice and help to be great.

In my own breakup for the first six months we tried the "friends" bit and to be honest I could never do enough for her and was glad to be able to do it, we even had a the whole "friends with benefits" bit and I was always hoping that she was going to suddenly realise the huge mistake she made.

About a month ago she met someone else on a night out and while I am pretty sure that it was only a one night thing and I can't really see it going anywhere, it did give me a big enough kick in the balls to stand back and ask myself what I was doing.

Since then I have backed right off and it hurts like hell but I know myself that I need to do it. My situation is slightly different in that there are three teenage kids involved so never seeing or speaking to each other again is simply not an option.

It is heartbreaking and like I said it hurts both physically and emotionally but I know that to continue the way we were I was only prolonging the pain and never giving myself a chance to get over her and get on with my life.

I'm not there yet, far from it, but I do believe that I will be fine and to the original poster and others who are going through a break up, the friends thing will never work at least not straight away, maybe a few years down the line when the pain has gone and you have moved on, but in the initial aftermath of a breakup it is just a recipe for more heartbreak.

Good luck and be strong.

BraziliaNZ · 04-11-2009 11:45AM

is it just me or does it seem to be mostly men in this situation?

Wibbs · 04-11-2009 12:12PM

I would agree as a general thing there BraziliaNZ. IMHO and of course these are by definition generalisations, many more women say the lets be friends in breakups, for various reasons(more options, require more emotional engagement in relationships, etc).

One of the biggest reasons I reckon is that in longtermers many more women break up with men than the other way around. Especially after the first few years, so that's more likely to come up. It could be as simple as that. It could also be as simple as the fact that more men post on Boards, so that's the subgroup you're seeing.

I would also say that women are more careful and mindful of social connections and relationships than men. They are more likely to make up the male aspect in their lives by combining different men, than men would. So the archetypal ex, the gay best friend, the lover on the side, the guy who secretly loves her, the actual boyfriend, is a dynamic rare among men(mostly they would have the girlfriend/wife and the other woman and that's it). Less men can have a woman mate they can see as attractive without that compromising the friendship. Women can. Keeping an ex as a mate adds to the social connection. Píssing one off could ruin more than just that relationship, so being friends lessens that risk.

Another aspect is that more women are looked on as social and emotional enablers. They can't be seen as being "nasty" or even forthright, so they say the lets be friends to lessen the blow to the man and appear more kind to the world.

Plus simply the idea of an ex hating them, an ex they once loved and looked on as a future is just to hard, so being friends is an escape. Understandable too.

Confusing to many men too as they tend to more focus on one woman for all of that female dynamic. I think that's why many men have a harder time with breakups. They don't usually do the breaking up. It usually comes "out fo the blue" (for them) and they have less female support as a general rule. The majority of their female needs and support is focused on the one who just left them. You see this with people who are widowed, men if they can are more keen to rush to replace that.

If more men did the breaking up you may well hear more "let's be friends" lines, though I suspect we would hear more "lets be friends with benefits" lines.

My 2 cents anyway.

Toodles09 · 04-11-2009 12:17PM

Lads it works both ways. Men/women do it all the time who cares which sex does it the most! The path of true love definitely does not run smooth

BraziliaNZ · 04-11-2009 12:22PM

or maybe it's down to the fact that they get a lot more attention from the opposite sex than most men do, therefore they don't think their current bf is the be all and end all of their love life?

Wibbs · 04-11-2009 12:29PM

I dont think so really. They have more options but that's about it.

BraziliaNZ · 04-11-2009 12:32PM

yeah no reason to dwell on it. Anyway no contact seems to be the way forward. Good luck with it OP and keep us posted!

El Diablo 101 · 04-11-2009 03:05PM

To everyone on this thread, I appreciate every piece of advice and input. Thank you to everyone. Know that you are doing a good deed by helping a trying to be strong, yet hurting man.

It is coming up to 48 hours since any contact at all (four days since breaking up), and my head is wrecked. In the early morning, I was okay, I just wanted to forget about her.

Mid-day, I felt angry, I actually wanted her to be as sad as I am. I had thoughts of her enjoying herself, not caring about me at all, and it filled me with anger and hurt.

Right now, I am just sad again. I know that I will never be able to make her happy again. That I will never be with her. And I feel guilty for not talking to her. I want to give her a hug and make everything better...for the both of us. I really want to call/ text her...but I know I can't.

I am kinda wishing and praying that she will contact me. Why won't she call? Is she not hurt at all? Or is she pretending not to be hurt?

I am going to a club tonight, and hopefully that will help me. I hope it doesn't make me any more sad.

Again, thanks for replies..I'm trying to stay strong.

LegacyUser · 04-11-2009 03:11PM

El Diablo 101 wrote: »

To everyone on this thread, I appreciate every piece of advice and input. Thank you to everyone. Know that you are doing a good deed by helping a trying to be strong, yet hurting man.

It is coming up to 48 hours since any contact at all (four days since breaking up), and my head is wrecked. In the early morning, I was okay, I just wanted to forget about her.

Mid-day, I felt angry, I actually wanted her to be as sad as I am. I had thoughts of her enjoying herself, not caring about me at all, and it filled me with anger and hurt.

Right now, I am just sad again. I know that I will never be able to make her happy again. That I will never be with her. And I feel guilty for not talking to her. I want to give her a hug and make everything better...for the both of us. I really want to call/ text her...but I know I can't.

I am kinda wishing and praying that she will contact me. Why won't she call? Is she not hurt at all? Or is she pretending not to be hurt?

I am going to a club tonight, and hopefully that will help me. I hope it doesn't make me any more sad.

Again, thanks for replies..I'm trying to stay strong.

I know how your feeling dude. I am going through the same kind of situation now and its the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with in my life.

Amazotheamazing · 04-11-2009 05:18PM

El Diablo 101 wrote: »

I am going to a club tonight, and hopefully that will help me. I hope it doesn't make me any more sad.

Again, thanks for replies..I'm trying to stay strong.

If you are going drinking, give your phone to a mate. Do not drunk dial. It's so tempting to ring after a few pints and then blame the pints, don't. disaster.

You're on the right track.

opinion guy · 04-11-2009 05:46PM

You know it occurs to me on reading Wibb post that I have myself used the friends line - hmmm more like 'we can still be friends' rather than 'lets be friends'.
I realise now in saying that what I actually meant was - "I don't want to be with you anymore, but I don't hate you, I'm not trying to hurt you and I'll still be friendly if circumstances demand it". I guess what I meant was I'll be friendly as circumstances dictate more than lets be friends. The difference is pretty much being friendly vs being friends

metrovelvet · 04-11-2009 07:06PM

opinion guy wrote: »

You know it occurs to me on reading Wibb post that I have myself used the friends line - hmmm more like 'we can still be friends' rather than 'lets be friends'.
I realise now in saying that what I actually meant was - "I don't want to be with you anymore, but I don't hate you, I'm not trying to hurt you and I'll still be friendly if circumstances demand it". I guess what I meant was I'll be friendly as circumstances dictate more than lets be friends. The difference is pretty much being friendly vs being friends

It means "i dont want to be with you, hope there's no hard feelings." lol.

El Diablo 101 · 04-11-2009 07:39PM

Just heading out now...not feeling the most jovial, but willing to make the best of it ha. I'm just starting to come to terms with the fact that I might never talk to her again... Honest question wanting honest answers (swallows pride)

I'm hoping she will realize what she is missing out on by not being in contact with me....what are the chances that she will realize... ?
I'm honestly living in hope, and I know that sounds extremely sad and pathetic.

Anywho, roll on tonight, and I shall update you all again soon...

El Diablo

dsmythy · 04-11-2009 08:42PM

El Diablo 101 wrote: »

Just heading out now...not feeling the most jovial, but willing to make the best of it ha. I'm just starting to come to terms with the fact that I might never talk to her again... Honest question wanting honest answers (swallows pride)

I'm hoping she will realize what she is missing out on by not being in contact with me....what are the chances that she will realize... ?
I'm honestly living in hope, and I know that sounds extremely sad and pathetic.

Anywho, roll on tonight, and I shall update you all again soon...

El Diablo

Hope you have good night.

Maybe she will realise what it means to be without you and get in touch wanting to try again. One week, one month, one year down the line who knows. Maybe even by the time the contact arrives you will have met someone new or have lost interest through time in actually giving things a second chance. Alternatively you'll never hear from her again.

Either way rather than being in two-minds still in touch with her about whether she does or does not want to get back together you will know one way or the other depending on what happens. She will get in touch and tell you what you want to hear and you will know for certain she wants to try again or you will know for certain that it is indeed history.

I'd take 100% knowing one way or the other rather than being in contact and running every conversation through your mind needlessly on where you are.

If she wants to get back with you she will make the effort to get in touch and say so. If not then you've done the right thing by cutting contact and moving on rather than wrecking your head. Make it white and black rather than hang around in the grey.

El Diablo 101 · 05-11-2009 07:10PM

Hey guys...

Had a decent night last night. Highlighted the fact that there are plenty more fish in the sea...and some who could be quite interested in me if it weren't so soon after heartbreak ha.

It is just dawning on me that I may never hug my ex again, never talk to her again, and never even see her again. It makes me sad. I'm trying to accept the fact that after dumping me, she doesn't even want to talk to me. Makes me feel worthless, lower than shi... you know. I know she's slutting around, I just know it.

On the other hand, I'm trying to pre-occupy myself by telling myself that she has dumped me, hasn't made an effort to talk or anything in the past few days, and that she is rue-ing the fact that she has lost me ( I hope she is, spiteful as that sounds). I'm telling myself that she didn't deserve me, and by slutting around, she's demeaning herself, not me.

One more piece of advice needed...If she called me up, I know that I could get slip up, and get back with her, despite this masculine, cut-contact front.

1) If she calls/texts, should I ignore her completely? Or wait until my heart has mended itself?
2) Is it possible that she is not talking to me from spite? I mean is it a likely story? I can't imagine her not missing me....

I'm winning little battles, the longer I don't talk to her . It's still hard, but it's getting easier every day. I STILL love her, but I'm realizing a few home truths now. Once again thank you guys

G-Money · 05-11-2009 07:32PM

Unfortunately, you are going to go through a rollercoaster of emotions, pardon the cheesy cliche. You'll be sad initially, followed by feelings of anger, jealousy, resentment, and bitterness. There's no easy way through it, if there there was, I'd sell it and make a fortune.

This might be a bit of a knee jerk reaction, but why don't you change your number? That way you won't have to worry about her texting or calling you and dragging up a whole load of feelings? I know what you are thinking though. You know it's over but there's a little shred of hope that says "she might realise what a mistake she's making and get in touch". You know what, that might happen, but for your own sanity, you need to believe and act like it will never happen.

The best thing you can do in this situation is start to plan your life without her. I know that's hard and you are still nuts about her and that's normal. But let's put that aside for a second. If you start doing that now, you'll start the process of getting over her. Plus if she finds out, it will prove to her that you don't need her to be happy and lets be honest, doesn't part of you want some sort of "revenge"?

The best revenge is to live well and prove to yourself that you don't need her. And you know what, you don't. I'm not saying she's a b***h or anything, she could very well be the nicest girl in the world. But at the end of the day, she's ended it. It's unfair and unreasonable of her to expect you to be "there as a friend". If she throws a strop about that, ignore it. Think of it like a child throwing it's toys out of the pram because it doesn't get it's own way. IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME. It's probably always worked for her and now that it's not, she'll be p*****d off and angry. Don't capitulate and don't waver, ever. And if she just keeps on about it, just walk away.

I'm completely opposed to just being friends unless both people are completely comfortable with it. As I've said many times, you wouldn't pressure or force someone into being in a relationship with you if they were unhappy about it, so why is it ok to do the same with a friendship? It's not. When I hear that phrase being mentioned, I don't accept it for one second. It's like my brain automatically changes gear, and I don't talk to them anymore. It might as being be an alien language to me these days as I don't even recognise that phrase anymore. That's how much I don't bother with it now. I'll be polite and civil, but I'll never make contact with them again.

You are going through a tough time, but be strong. I think you said you deleted her number which is good. Less chance of you drunkenly texting her. Anytime you are feeling like your resolve is wavering, post on here and we'll soon knock it out of you.

You don't want to look back in 6 months and think to yourself "F***, I was such a pansy and so soft just appeasing her like that. Why didn't I just say "No, Stop" and walk away?".

Be strong.

Amazotheamazing · 05-11-2009 09:06PM

El Diablo 101 wrote: »

1) If she calls/texts, should I ignore her completely? Or wait until my heart has mended itself?
2) Is it possible that she is not talking to me from spite? I mean is it a likely story? I can't imagine her not missing me....

1) Yes. Again, you have nothing to gain from staying friends with her, compared to the misery she has willingly and will willingly put you through. Maybe she'd no choice in the matter but she's made her call, keep her out of your life.

2) It's possible, but what does it matter why she's not in touch. She wants you as a friend, why would you accept a downgrade?

G-Money · 05-11-2009 09:16PM

To be honest, it's a bit like being fired from your job and to be made to feel quite bad about it, then your boss sort of expecting you to still come to work as normal but not get paid or get any benefits.

Would you accept that??? I certainly hope not.

So don't accept this.

She wants to have it all her own way and tough titty for her, she can't. You are doing the right thing.

LegacyUser · 05-11-2009 09:47PM

El Diablo 101 wrote: »

Hey guys...

Had a decent night last night. Highlighted the fact that there are plenty more fish in the sea...and some who could be quite interested in me if it weren't so soon after heartbreak ha.

It is just dawning on me that I may never hug my ex again, never talk to her again, and never even see her again. It makes me sad. I'm trying to accept the fact that after dumping me, she doesn't even want to talk to me. Makes me feel worthless, lower than shi... you know. I know she's slutting around, I just know it.

On the other hand, I'm trying to pre-occupy myself by telling myself that she has dumped me, hasn't made an effort to talk or anything in the past few days, and that she is rue-ing the fact that she has lost me ( I hope she is, spiteful as that sounds). I'm telling myself that she didn't deserve me, and by slutting around, she's demeaning herself, not me.

One more piece of advice needed...If she called me up, I know that I could get slip up, and get back with her, despite this masculine, cut-contact front.

1) If she calls/texts, should I ignore her completely? Or wait until my heart has mended itself?
2) Is it possible that she is not talking to me from spite? I mean is it a likely story? I can't imagine her not missing me....

I'm winning little battles, the longer I don't talk to her . It's still hard, but it's getting easier every day. I STILL love her, but I'm realizing a few home truths now. Once again thank you guys

Be strong! Coming from the female point of view here - broke up with the same guy 2-3 times, we did the whole keeping in contact/getting back together cycle but ultimately realised the relationship wasn't going to work out and I wouldn't wish the pain of that on anyone. Just realise that you have to go through the hardship and misery of not being in contact/thinking you won't speak to or see your other half ever again for a while, be it weeks, months; the short term pain is better than long term drawn out process.

It's tough, but keeping your distance is the best approach. Have learned that the hard way. Keep busy, plan outings and exercise is also a great outlet.

El Diablo 101 · 06-11-2009 06:24PM

CASE CLOSED (kinda ha) - Today, after speaking with a counselor, I realized that when I cut contact, and told my ex that I didn't want to be 'just friends' with her, and removed her as a friend from Facebook, that I was on the fast-track to recovery.

I also found out that I shouldn't place the 'rocks' of my life in things like family,girlfriend,money, but the 'rocks' of your life should be within you, they should be your traits, like your strength, your will, and intelligence etc.

I was a stand up boyfriend to my ex. But in retrospect I was TOO good. I didn't value myself as much as I should, and I put her up on a pedestal. I know I will find an amazing girl ( - not too soon, I will have some fun first), who will value me for who and what I am, as I will her.

Honestly, I hope my ex is feeling bad, not being in touch with me. I hope she realizes what she has done, and regrets it. I would argue that she does. That sounds really mean, and vindictive, but I am just being honest, and still a little raw. I also know that if she sl*ts it around, it demeans her, not me. That is her own choice.

Should my ex get in contact to be friends, or anything else, I MAY consider it. But it will be 100% on MY terms. I will still be a stand-up gentleman, but I will always remember the pain she has put me through. I think she will get in touch in the near future ( a few weeks time). I am thinking of changing my phone number to pre-empt it.

Its only four days on, I STILL love my ex, but I'm getting over her, one day at a time. I will stay strong and not contact her, despite how hard it is. Strength doesn't come from physical might, but an indominatable will. I hope my story helps men and women out, and inspires them to cut all contact. It is the best route IMHO.

Finally a big thank you to everyone who replied, and helped me out on this thread. Especially Wibbs, Grandmaster, The Opinion Guy, BrazilliaNZs. It made me feel a LOT better and is genuinely appreciated. Karma will do great things for you guys! Smile, and feel good that you helped someone who was sad out!

El Diablo.

opinion guy · 06-11-2009 06:51PM

Thanks for the update dude. I do think you are doing well. Your probably will have your weak moments just remember what you've just said

El Diablo 101 wrote: »

Karma will do great things for you guys!

u have any influence on these things seeing as your are the devil and all ? :P
i long overdue some decent karma :P

Taltos · 06-11-2009 06:51PM

OP - keep a link to your post above and re-read it when those moments of doubt come back.

Everything you have done is excellent and your counsellor is right - you are on the fast track to recovery.

If possible this thread would be great as a sticky as a blue-print for all the guys out there who go through what you are experiencing right now. Please keep us up to date on how you are getting on.

Wishing you all the best - and you are right - there is someone better out there for you and you will meet them, who knows you might already know them but while involved you were off-limits.

G-Money · 06-11-2009 08:08PM

Good to hear things are on the up. Sure, it's still early days and you'll have doubts, but don't worry about it. Just put them out of your mind and come back to this thread if you are ever unsure.

All the best.

El Diablo 101 · 09-11-2009 06:38PM

Got a text this evening....she says she misses me... I want to talk to her, but I don't know if I should...stress

Cut off all contact w/ ex gf - give me strenght

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