Housemate trouble - what should I do?

LegacyUser · 22-12-2009 03:50PM #1

Hello to all,

Have just found myself in a situation from hell with a girl I live with.

I am new to my job and was looking for accommodation last summer. After something with her friends fell through she texted me asking if I wanted to share. I initially said no as I had found a temporary place and also I was a bit sceptical of living and working with someone.
But she text me again later saying it would be nice and how she knows what its like to be in a new town with a new job. I said give it a few months and we ll look for a place together.

The few months passed and we managed to find a really nice house with reasonable rent. I was made up with it. It was meant to be just me and her living there.
As it happened I was heading back home for holidays and she was going to live there first. So she moved in the weekend before I went back. That week my assistant who lives down the road said is there a fella living with you as well? I said no but she said there is a car parked outside. I asked the girl and she said her boyfriend is staying with her until I return from the hols. I thought fine as long as its ok with the landlord.

So return on the Thursday - boyfriend is still there. Friday, Saturday and Sunday passes and he is still there. I casually enquire where does he live? She turns around and says "oh yeah he is staying here as he was having difficulty with his landlord." She never even asked me at all and as far as the landlord was concerned the boyfriend was only staying until I came back.

This made things very awkward for me as a young single female as I couldnt go around in my PJs, watch TV in peace. I don t feel comfortable with a strange man in the house. The boyfriend was nice enough but its awkward living with a couple. Most other females I have said this to understood this.

He is also unemployed so he is at home all day. The irony is I pay half the rent but he has spent more time in the house than I have!!! He would have the heating on full blast, water on for ages for his many baths, washing his football team shirts in our machine. Its little things like this that add up for high bills.
He is also getting rent allowance of £500 which is way more than I could afford for rent. Now I know for a fact you need an address to claim for this in England so where is this address. I was really beginning to lose patience.

So I asked her politely the next week when was he going to move out? She took offence to this and went and talked to the landlord who immediately backed me up and advised her to ask my permission. I said fair enough another week as I felt sorry for him being unemployed - I know these are tough times and it can happen to anyone and I do sympathise but to a point.. Also working with her and my collegues being her good friends I was wary of creating a situation.

OVER ONE month later he is still there and hasn t found a place. He still hadn t contributed to the bills or the rent. He constantly about using the kitchen making me feel like I AM the one in the way. I also saw him in his briefs one morning which was very unpleasant for me.
I was really starting to get resentful at this point but I swallowed my annoyance and asked her politely if her boyfriend was going to move? I said if he doesn t I think its only fair he pays some of the rent. She got extremely huffed by this fair request and said “don t worry he is going”

I thought phew that’s the end of that - or so I thought” At first his stuff initially appeared to move out and I hardly saw either of them around the house. And when I did I got such withering looks I stayed away - and quite happily so.
However my assistant said his car is still parked further up the road. Alarm bells started to ring in my head and I discovered and this is the most unbelievable part he was locking himself in the room so that I don t realise he is there. Only coming out to eat and use the bathroom. This is really creepy as sometimes I thought I was alone in the house when I wasn’t,. I was gob smacked! I have even had to go to the landlord as its become obvious that anything I say simply gets ignored. The landlord says he is out but how can he properly enforce that?

Another thing is that there is another friend of mine due to move in to this house with me and this other girl. I feel so bad as the atmosphere in the house is icy. On the one hand I am looking forward to this girl coming in as I wont feel quite so alone. And on the other I don t think its fair on her coming into all this. But I ve told her the situation and she still wants to live with me.

And the irony is I am being made feel like a prize cow for not wanting to share the house with her boyfriend when the original agreement was for us two girls (and that’s what on the contract). He also hasn t contributed a penny towards a thing.

What can I do? The girl won t even speak to me and to be honest I don t even want to speak with her as I am afraid what I might say with a loose tongue. I really like the house and don t want to leave, Should I hold on and hope she goes to move in with this boyfriend when the lease is up(somewhere else preferably)?

Ive a stressful job and had a string of bad luck (won t go into detail but its not including whats happening in the house). So this is really getting me down. HELP!

Kimia · 22-12-2009 04:35PM

I would go mad altogether OP and I think you are absolutely right. How dare she move in her boyfriend to your home without consulting you? And he is taking the total piss - has he never offered to give you guys money?

I suppose he could be giving her money and she could just be pocketing it, making you pay for 1/2 the house and her and him paying for a 1/4 each.

Why don't you move out? Give your notice and bounce with your new friend!

Oryx · 22-12-2009 04:40PM

You have a couple of options.

1. Put up with the status quo. Not a very attractive option.
2. Demand that he stump up money. Still leaves you with a bad atmosphere.
3.Move out.
4.Ask them both to move out, move your friend in.

To be honest, this housemate has proved herself untrustworthy, and it doesnt seem like the bf is moving out any time soon. It may be a nice house, but god, there are plenty of nice houses. If I were you Id get away from these people asap, and make sure your name is off all tenancy and billing agreements. There is no trust and a bad atmosphere and I cant see you improving that, so the house you love will be a rotten place to live. Failing that, you could insist they move out, but I bet theyd stick their heels in and it would get worse.

Peggypeg · 22-12-2009 04:48PM

Hey OP,

Big hug to you!! It is very very stressful living in those types of conditions I know. It also very stressful to be forced to accept that type of very unfair deal.

If I were you I would wait until the next time he's locked in the room and your housemate is out and then I would call the Gaurds and tell them there's someone in the house, that should sort out that problem pretty sharpish:D. Actually I wouldn't do it but I'd be tempted. What I would actually do is move out, I know it's not fair and that you like the house but is it really worth the hassle? I'd say chalk it up to experience and move on with the other girl.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser · 22-12-2009 06:37PM

Hi OP,

feckin nightmare for ya... If i was you i would have went to the landlord weeks ago and said there are 3 in the house, im paying a half share, get it sorted or im moving out. The stress has been on all your shoulders, instead of you communicating with the female house mate get the Landlord to. Find out her intentions, say if it doesnt change your gone, you have no choice really.

Best case scenario is they both move out, and your new girl moves in!

LegacyUser · 22-12-2009 07:28PM

Thanks for the replies. I was beginning to wonder was I being unreasonable with this girl but i can see now she went way too far.

Re landlord; I initially went to him. He was as suprised that the boyfriend was still there but he told me give it a few days then I should have a word. Then the girl got to him before I had the chance to complain about "my problem" with her boyfriend. The landlord backed me up 100% though he like I had, felt sorry for her boyfriends situation and I said I d give him a week to get sorted.

3 weeks later the landlord asked had he moved out and she lied and said yes. When he still wasnt gone and I d had that word I said it to the landlord and he was pretty mad as this girl is blatantly ignoring him too. Last I heard was a few nights ago. He called round and basicly laid down the law about the situation. So fingers crossed they are going to listen to him at least.

Its such a delicate situation with me working alongside one of her best friends. At least having my friend move in will relieve some of the tension.

LegacyUser · 22-12-2009 08:26PM

I had the same situation a few years back only that I owned the apartment. It was a disaster, it was one of my best friends that moved in and her asshole of a boyfriend was there more than I was. I ended up loosing the friendship over it, but in hindsight it wasn't mush of a friend to have if she treated me like a doormat.

Stick to your guns. If he does not move inform the landlord that you will be withholding your rent until he does move (not sure if u can legally do that but I would chance it anyway). That way it will be in the Landlords interest to get him moved asap. Chances are with xmas around the corner she is banking on you not being there so that the BF can stay until the new year. Try to get it sorted before then.

I wish you the best of luck, it is a terrible situation to be in.

Siogfinsceal · 23-12-2009 10:41AM

its a disgrace that he hasnt paid a penny in rent or bills!! or that they cant see that its only fair to split the bills and rent three ways not two!

if it were me I would go and try find a new place for you and the nice friend who wants to move in. I know it would mean you having to leave but to be honest if this girl and her boyfriend were sly enoguh to actually hide the fact that he was living there I just wouldnt trust them. Even if he does move back out sure he could have a key and be coming round all day while you are in work and you wont be able to prove it.

The other option is to play them at their own game - get your friend to move in and split your rent with her that way its four people - you and your friend paying half the rent and this other one and her boyfriend paying half

although after that drama and lying Id just want to be outta there!

The_Conductor · 23-12-2009 11:48AM

OP- to be perfectly honest- while you haven't done anything wrong whatsoever- inevitably your relationship with the girl is poisoned come what may. Its all well and good him moving out now- and your other friend moving in- but the atmosphere is going to be toxic one way or the other. If I were you- I'd suggest to the other girl who is thinking of moving in, that you get a small apartment between you elsewhere and get yourself out of the current mess.

It was way out of line having having your current housemate have her boyfriend move in- you've done nothing wrong- but at the end of the day sometimes you are the one who has to pay the price of someone else's misbehaviour.

You are not going to have a good future relationship with your current housemate- regardless of what happens- for the sake of your own sanity and stress levels- I'd seriously advise moving as soon as possible.

antoinolachtnai · 23-12-2009 03:02PM

It's like a fire. My advice would be Get Out, Stay Out. Find the easiest way you can to get out of the whole arrangement and get a place with your friend.

The fact that it wasn't your fault has nothing to do with it. I can see there being some problem with deposits and outstanding bills. Just try to find the easiest way out that you can afford.

gemi · 23-12-2009 03:31PM

I completely understand your pain at this. I was living in a situation where I was in a house for a year when all the girls there finished college and moved out. I decided to stay in the house myself and fill the rooms. A girl I worked with and my cousin moved in with a couple of her friends, and I swear I couldn’t have predicted a worse outcome. I had six months of these friends of constant parties, live-in boyfriends who never paid a penny towards anything, never cleaning, strangers left and wandering in the house after these “parties” when the girls decided to go to bed, doors left unlocked (which led to two break ins)..all while I was none the wiser attempting to sleep! It just wasn’t safe or healthy, and the atmosphere was unbearable. I stayed for six soul destroying months to see the house that I had such happy memories in destroyed by these girls. My family relationships also became hugely strained. I was in the middle of my Masters at the time and the stress was just too great. I gave in in the end, it’s not worth the hassle.

As for your situation, she can’t see that she is doing anything wrong, and while she’s in the situation she won’t see it. You are just an irritation for her trying to stop her having a happy little set up with her boyfriend. It’s unfortunate that you work with her, I know it was definitely a bone of contention with my mum and my aunt for awhile too as my cousin was involved in a lot the problem, which was eventually my final straw on moving out. As it turned out, once I moved out my cousin quickly realised what I had actually been doing to keep the house afloat as long as it did and she moved out herself a couple of weeks later and rarely sees those friend’s anymore either.

I think people need a scapegoat in these situations and at the moment it’s you, if you take yourself out of the equation she will come to see what she is doing is wrong, or maybe she won’t. At the minute she is trying to protect her happily little world, if you were to move out she might see that he’s taking advantage by living rent free. Or if he is giving her money, she might realise they can’t afford to live in a nice place like that with just the two of them. Either way you don’t need the headache. I understand what it’s like and it’s not fair, why should you have to give up somewhere you like living? But at the end of the day, your sanity is worth more.

I’m surprised the landlord hasn’t done more to get him out, but then again I know mine was rubbish too. I hope it works out for you in the end and that you and this other friend of yours can find some new happier place to live. My advice is get out though, no point dragging someone else in, you will still just be fighting a losing battle and could end fighting more so over bills build or risk losing deposit if it goes any more pear-shaped. It’s a right pain but I’d just chalk it up to experience and jump ship now to start afresh with your new friend. Best of luck!!

23-12-2009 10:54PM

OP, I really feel for you, having been in the same situation. Got a house with another girl and a guy, and he moves in his girlfriend without asking anyone. She didn't work, didn't contribute to bills and stayed in the house all day with the heating on full blast. I told him I was moving out immediately and he was shocked and told me I couldn't do that, and that I had to find a flatmate he approved of. I had to spell it out to him that he'd just moved in someone we hadn't even met, and were subsidising her, and he still didn't get it. Some people are that clueless and self centered, and it sounds like your flatmate is one of them. I'm conscious about even having my boyfriend over for dinner or to stay over more than twice a week as I don't want my flatmate feeling like a third wheel. I can't imagine how people think it's OK to pretend to be a single person and then move in as a couple. Unbelievable. Get out now, it's not worth it.

LegacyUser · 24-12-2009 11:28AM

Well she did say (when we were still on speaking terms) that her and her boyfriend had now realised they want to live together and suggested moving out.
We have got two more months left until she can do that with her deposit. Of course she is not speaking to me so I don t know if that is still the case. I might well speak to the landlord and find out what her plans are. The landlord is very decent and his wife especially has really symplathised with me. They are also my neighbours and I do get on with them very well.

I just feel it is so sad it has had to come to this.

pulpfictionost · 24-12-2009 02:06PM

oh my god that is horrible!!! i hate hate HATE wasters like that boyfriend!!!!!
aaaargh!

If i was you i would either say it to the landlord or pack my **** and move!

Two years ago while in college i ended up living with these disgusting party animal drunken degenerates! They were disgusting and morally corrupt, thieving scumbag dole scroungers.

It really is horrible when you try to make your way in this world and you have to look at the people that get everything for free.... urgh

Housemate trouble - what should I do?

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