Worried about BF's housemates...

LegacyUser · 18-01-2010 01:59PM #1

Hi!!

I've been with my bf for nearly 2 years. We're in the same college, he's a year older though. We decided not to share accommodation this year as its my first year and I thought it would be better to get to know first years in student acc first. anyway I like staying over at his a lot, he recently moved into a rented house with strangers and i can't help but feel really cheeky staying over, or that they don't like me being there, that they might have a mindset along the lines of "she's not paying rent here, why does she stay??" Anyway, i usually eat at my own place unless my bf cooks, and i like to watch tv and do my bits, shower and stuff at my own apt, but i rarely sleep there, see he has a double bed but i have a single, its just more comfy!

I gues im wondering if anyone here has experience with this from either side? would anyone see it as an annoyance??? thanks!

silverberg · 18-01-2010 02:38PM

I moved into an apartment recently with strangers, and one of the girls partners is always there, even when he is not. I don't mind as long as it stays respectful. I wouldn't worry too much about it, it's not like you're costing anymore money if your not taking over the t.v cooking or taking showers.

The_Conductor · 18-01-2010 04:01PM

A lot of people would be deeply unhappy with a person's s/o regularly staying over (regardless of whether they were using all the facilities in the house or not). The people who rented the house did not do so on the understanding that they were sharing with a couple. If you really want to live with your boyfriend- do so by all means- but go and get your own place.

Telling yourself that you're delibertly eating at your own place, showering there etc- would indicate you're only too aware that you're already on thin ice. Its only a matter of time before it does become an issue for your boyfriend, no matter what arrangements you make.

If you want to live with him- do it, but quit pretending you're living somewhere else.......

Wagon · 18-01-2010 04:26PM

his housemates sound like muppets. If a housemate of mine had his girlfriend over all the time, fair enough. its their business. as long as my food doesnt get eaten and (if she's there for a few days at a time) she might pitch in a couple of euro towords the electricity and heat, its grand. your boyfriend pays his rent and has his own room there. the idea is that when you move out of your house, you dont live with your parents anymore.

Riskymove · 18-01-2010 04:46PM

Wagon wrote: »

his housemates sound like muppets.

huh??

the OP is concerned that they "might" have a problem with her staying there.....she is wondering if people have experience of this

...there is no evidence given of anything being said or done by the housemates....how can you come to the conclusion they are muppets?

LegacyUser · 18-01-2010 04:56PM

If it's a college place with other students it's a bit different also, there's a lot more freedom with having people over, because it's not a home as such just a place you stay during term time. I wouldn't see it as a problem. most couples of they're not hanging out with the rest of the people in the apartment just hang out in their rooms together so they're not in your face so to speak.

18-01-2010 04:56PM

smccarrick wrote: »

A lot of people would be deeply unhappy with a person's s/o regularly staying over (regardless of whether they were using all the facilities in the house or not). The people who rented the house did not do so on the understanding that they were sharing with a couple. If you really want to live with your boyfriend- do so by all means- but go and get your own place.

Telling yourself that you're delibertly eating at your own place, showering there etc- would indicate you're only too aware that you're already on thin ice. Its only a matter of time before it does become an issue for your boyfriend, no matter what arrangements you make.

If you want to live with him- do it, but quit pretending you're living somewhere else.......

I think people have the right to have their gf/bf stay over sometimes and cook dinner together if they aren't living together. I would think it was incredibly unreasonable for anyone to imply it wasn't on. Obviously not to the point where the person is living there, but 2 or 3 nights a week seems fine to me. I don't even see the relevance of heat and electricity really - he would be using it if he were there alone watching TV or cooking alone, so what's the difference?

Miss Fluff · 18-01-2010 05:01PM

justabit... wrote: »

anyway I like staying over at his a lot, he recently moved into a rented house with strangers and i can't help but feel really cheeky staying over, or that they don't like me being there, that they might have a mindset along the lines of "she's not paying rent here, why does she stay??" Anyway, i usually eat at my own place unless my bf cooks, and i like to watch tv and do my bits, shower and stuff at my own apt, but i rarely sleep there, see he has a double bed but i have a single, its just more comfy!

When you say you rarely stay in your own place, how rarely are we talking here?

tbh · 18-01-2010 05:06PM

As long as you being there doesn't mean that they can't do what they want to do, you're all good. Why not say it to them? Tell them you appreciate them letting you stay, and if you're getting on their nerves, to tell you.

The problems arise when some can't: cook their dinner, wash their clothes, have a shower, discuss house issues or watch a tv show because you are there. If you're not restricting anyone from doing any of those things, if they complain, they are being unreasonable.

Danniboo · 18-01-2010 05:29PM

It's a difficult one, I lived with a girl and she said she'd no prob me having my bf over, if she was in the sitting room we'd normally go off for a couple of hours and come back. However she would make snide remarks and make me feel uncomfortable and do things like sit in the sitting room with her earphones in whilst reading a book with the tv on (and would complain about the esb bills :rolleyes:) which is just rude IMO. My bf was there waiting on me one day(5 mins in the difference of us arriving home so I told him to go on in). He was watching tv and she arrived in, he walked out to meet me she went and plonked herself on the sofa and changed the channel(Its probably worth mentioning she also had a tv in her room). Totally unreasonable marking her territory sort of behaviour, I awaited the day I came home and she had her leg cocked whilst peeing on the sofa.

Sleepy · 18-01-2010 06:07PM

If it's a couple of nights a week, I can't see there being a problem but if you're staying more often than not, ye really should look at getting your own place.

drusk · 18-01-2010 06:16PM

I've had an experience like yours, but from the other side!

I shared a house with a girl for a year - both of us had moved from different parts of the country to a town in the south for work. When we began our lease, we didn't know each other at all, so I didn't know she had a boyfriend. She asked me if it was okay if he stayed over one night, to which I replied, 'of course!' He ended up staying, on average, four nights every week. I mentioned it to her that if he wanted to stay so often that he should pitch in with a few quid, or stop staying so often. (He used electricity, bins, shower, etc.) This pissed her off, and after that I never really got to know her because she stayed up in her room all the time, with her boyfriend. He didn't pitch in, but he continued to stay most of the week, every week. Whenever I met him or her in the kitchen or living room, it was a little bit awkward to be honest. Little things that he used to do ended up pissing me off, like putting teabags in the recycling bin, and leaving dirty dishes in the sink. (Things like these would never normally piss me off, but because it was him -not a rent-paying tenant - they really annoyed me!)

Anyway, I think you should sit down with your boyfriend and his housemates, offer to pitch in something like twenty quid a week, and everything should be dandy. The fact is, once you're sleeping there, you're living there. As another poster has already pointed out, whether you realise it or not, you're sharing in the consumption of fuels, electricity, etc, as well as taking up living space that the other people in the house didn't think would be taken up! I think it's only fair that you offer a good-will gesture of a few quid a week.

krudler · 18-01-2010 06:54PM

I wouldnt have a problem with someones partner staying as long as they werent taking over the place, I stayed over a lot of nights whe my gf moved in with a bunch of her friends during the summer for a few months, but i only ever ate food we both bought and had the occasional shower when i stayed over, she stays at mine as well though but I'd never dream of asking her for money for esb or whatever, she's not here enough for that.

As long as you respect that you're a guest and dont treat the place like your own when you're not in your bf's room, but at the same time feel welcome then it shouldnt be an issue

The_Conductor · 18-01-2010 06:56PM

[quote=[Deleted User];64066062]I think people have the right to have their gf/bf stay over sometimes and cook dinner together if they aren't living together. I would think it was incredibly unreasonable for anyone to imply it wasn't on. Obviously not to the point where the person is living there, but 2 or 3 nights a week seems fine to me. I don't even see the relevance of heat and electricity really - he would be using it if he were there alone watching TV or cooking alone, so what's the difference?[/QUOTE]

Sometimes- is one thing- the OP however by her own admission rarely sleeps in her own apartment- as the double bed her boyfriend has is simply more comfortable than her single (I'm not even going to let my mind wander......)

Having someone over the odd time for a meal, a drink or whatever- is one thing- sleeping there almost every night- is entirely a different matter.

Firetrap · 18-01-2010 08:06PM

As someone who's shared houses and has tended to be on the "other side", the things that can be annoying are having a stranger in your house and the noise. It's hard to put one's finger on what exactly it is but when you've a couple in a house, it does change the dynamic. Some people dislike renting with a couple and in effect this is what has happened here even if you're not using the facilities in the house (apart from the bathroom I assume).

Another thing to bear in mind is that sound travels in a house - I've been tempted on occasions to bang on the door of a sexin' couple to tell them to finish up so I can get some sleep

GretchenWieners · 19-01-2010 03:34AM

Have you not considered getting him to stay at your place a few nights a week too?
Might do yourself a favour too because you don't want to be the girl in the house who's never there...
I lived with loads of guys who have gfs, just as long as you're not eating their food, etc I don't see what the problem is. Sure if you're watching tv with your boyfriend, he'd probably be watching it if you weren't there so even "pitching in" isn't necessary unless you're there 24/7.

John Mason · 19-01-2010 09:32AM

i had strict rules when i rented out rooms in my house.

the bf wasnt allowed stay more then 3 nights a week and only one of these nights could be the weekend.

at the end of the day, you dont live in the house and it is so annoying to have someone who doesnt live in the house there all the time - its has happened to me loads of time and i wouldnt be standing for it

Peggypeg · 19-01-2010 10:21AM

irishbird wrote: »

i had strict rules when i rented out rooms in my house.

the bf wasnt allowed stay more then 3 nights a week and only one of these nights could be the weekend.

at the end of the day, you dont live in the house and it is so annoying to have someone who doesnt live in the house there all the time - its has happened to me loads of time and i wouldnt be standing for it

The above poster would drive me nuts, if you're renting out a room, it's the renter's room! Who are you to tell them who they may have over and when!!

See OP? The person above thinks that is reasonable behaviour and I think it's extremely unreasonable. So you see? You can't know what they think unless you ask them. If I were you and the housemates seem like people who won't be argumentative for the sake of it (and they don't sound like that) I would just ask them. Just say that you appreciate that you stay there alot and thank them, I would buy a crate of beer for the house too (classy burd that I am:D)

Kipperhell · 19-01-2010 10:26AM

irishbird wrote: »

i had strict rules when i rented out rooms in my house.

the bf wasnt allowed stay more then 3 nights a week and only one of these nights could be the weekend.

at the end of the day, you dont live in the house and it is so annoying to have someone who doesnt live in the house there all the time - its has happened to me loads of time and i wouldnt be standing for it

There is a big difference to sharing a house with other renters and renting a room from somebody. The owner will be able to set rules.

In fairness to those who don't mind that is how you feel but not everybody is going to feel the same. I would mind if somebody always had anybody constantly over and a bf/gf is often more intrusive.

Stu77 · 19-01-2010 10:43AM

I guess it depends on the people your boyfriend is living with. You need to play by their rules. If the other occupants of the house spend a lot of time there then yourself and the boyfriend shouldn't hog the kitchen or sitting room 4 or 5 nights per week but if they are out most of the time then you have the place to yourselves. Just use some tact OP and respect the other people who are living there.

For example, if you are getting jiggy, keep it down and to reasonable hour. Jumping your fellas bones at 1.00 in the morning on a wednesday night is not really fair on the other housemates or slouching in front of the TV for 3 hours in the evening in the main sittingroom is not on either when the other occupants who are paying rent should be able to chill out and watch what they want.

Its just a case of using common sense and respecting the other occupants. You can always spend as much time as you want in your fellas room but if you see other people in the house becoming awkward around you and your fella, use your head and make sure they don't feel awkward.

Monkey61 · 19-01-2010 11:21AM

Overall I think that you are entitled to be in your boyfriend's house 7 nights a week if you want. It's his room, he is paying for it and you can do whatever you like in it.

Personally I wouldn't mind any or all of my housemates having partners over every night of the week. I would want them to be happy and relaxed in their homes after all.

The only things that would be annoying would be if you were taking up time in the shower when they were getting ready in the morning, or monopolising the cooker when they were in a rush- that kind of thing.

The only circumstances in which I can imagine having someone's partner over most nights would be a problem would be if two people were renting a very small two bed flat together - because then the other person would feel like a 3rd wheel in their own home. But if there is a couple of people there and especially in a student flat - I don't see why it would bother anyone.

LegacyUser · 19-01-2010 12:02PM

i appreciate all the replies!! sorry about the lack of quotes now!! see there is another couple actually renting, and another occupant is in a relationship too, so I don't think its awkward they'd be getting! as much as possible we watch tv and have fun at my place or we'd be out anyway. I appreciate that some people think it rude not to chip in, but like, Im usually only sleeping there, use the toilet once or twice, and have breakfast only if my boyfriend is there too because im so paranoid that they dislike me!!! I was thinking about what one poster said, buying a communal gift for the house!!
Also, we will move in together but we cant right now, as i have signed a lease til the end of may!!!

Lollipops23 · 19-01-2010 01:11PM

I was a bit concious of this when my BF lived with a load of lads; having said that,they all had GFs at the time and on any given night at least one of them stayed over!

I just paid my way by doing things like washing the dishes the odd time, helping out the few times they had massive clean up operations!!Also would ask if anyone wanted to be put in the pot for dinner when I was cooking, stuff like that goes an awful long way:)

Firetrap · 19-01-2010 09:42PM

As you can see from this thread, people have opinions on this that vary greatly. All you can do is play it by ear and gauge for yourself what your boyfriend's housemates think.

The_Conductor · 19-01-2010 10:05PM

Have a look in the Accommodation and Property forum- identical type questions come up quite frequently there.

S.

liah · 19-01-2010 10:15PM

If he pays for the room, he can do with it what he likes, end of.

It's really that simple, you said yourself you only use communal things like the tv and cooker when he'd be using them anyway. You don't use extra water/electricity for showers, just the toilet. I wouldn't worry about them. I understand wanting to make sure you get on with everyone, but come on. Why people would get annoyed at something like that is well beyond me.

mood · 19-01-2010 10:26PM

krudler wrote: »

I wouldnt have a problem with someones partner staying as long as they werent taking over the place, I stayed over a lot of nights whe my gf moved in with a bunch of her friends during the summer for a few months, but i only ever ate food we both bought and had the occasional shower when i stayed over, she stays at mine as well though but I'd never dream of asking her for money for esb or whatever, she's not here enough for that.

As long as you respect that you're a guest and dont treat the place like your own when you're not in your bf's room, but at the same time feel welcome then it shouldnt be an issue

I agree.

Always remember you are a guest. Don't do anything that would run up bills like washing clothes etc. Don't be too affectionate as this can make other uncomfortable resulting in them feeling they have to go to there room.

However, if any of the other tenents have TVs in their rooms it is unfair to expect them to vacate the living room to give you two some time alone together like someone else talked about.

doctor evil · 19-01-2010 11:09PM

liah wrote: »

If he pays for the room, he can do with it what he likes, end of.

It's really that simple, you said yourself you only use communal things like the tv and cooker when he'd be using them anyway. You don't use extra water/electricity for showers, just the toilet. I wouldn't worry about them. I understand wanting to make sure you get on with everyone, but come on. Why people would get annoyed at something like that is well beyond me.

Often its an issue of space. Both physically and metaphorically.

I take it she buys her own loo roll;)

LegacyUser · 20-01-2010 01:40AM

I am in a similiar situation to you OP, whereby my bf stays at mine most nights. I was approached by my housemates, who felt he should be contributing towards bills as he spends a fair bit of time here. I agreed to this, but they also expressed their dislike at him spending so much time here. To be honest, I was taken aback as he is a very likeable easygoing guy & gets on great with the girls, so I never thought there was an issue. Now I feel isolated and confined in my house as I hate the fact they are having discussions about me, my bf now feels really uncomfortable calling here & there is just a general bad vibe in the house. It might be a good idea to offer to chip in towards bills or, as already suggested maybe spend a few nights in your house because if it is bothering them, it's only a matter of time before they confront your bf & it just creates awkwardness.

prinz · 20-01-2010 02:48PM

liah wrote: »

If he pays for the room, he can do with it what he likes, end of.

That's nonsense.

liah wrote: »

It's really that simple, you said yourself you only use communal things like the tv and cooker when he'd be using them anyway.

In fairness there's a big difference between your housemate being around and a couple hanging around. I share a house with a guy and his gf is often around and tbh there are times when it p*sses me off no end, the last thing I want when I get home from work after a long, crap day, is to go make my dinner and find them there in the middle of a deep and meaningful conversation while making dinner etc. It's just awkward. Or going to watch a bit of tv to find them snuggled up under a duvet watching notting hill or the likes. Yes my housemate would be cooking/watching tv anyway but there is a huge difference.

Reflector · 20-01-2010 04:36PM

depends on the person, If it was me I wouldn't mind as long as I got on with the person and they didn't try and take over common areas and they were sociable. I would say that you should not be there too much to start with and when you get to know them a bit better you'll have a bit more of an idea if it is ok or not.

Worried about BF's housemates...

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