Do you ever REALLY get over it?

LegacyUser · 31-03-2010 08:02PM #1

Its the same old story.
Im a 40 yr old woman who was abused as a child. Without meaning to upset anyone, I wasn't personally violated. But I had to do things. I am often grateful that I was never touched.
For years, until I was in my 20's, I never thought of it as abuse. But he was 20 and I was 6. So I copped on that it was, when I was about 25.
I told my mother. She believed me and supported me. So again, none of that 'my mother didnt support me' kind of stories.
So I went to counselling. And I felt I'd dealt with it. I have some other family issues, mainly to do with violence. No violence inflicted on me thankfully, but I read something once that said 'A witness to violence is a victim of violence'. So I was the witness and I was the victim.
So my question is..How much longer can I let this crap affect me?????
I've done the counselling. I've come out the the other side. I now have my own family. On paper, I have a fantastic life. And yet, I am the most insecure woman you could meet. Very successful in work etc...But I die when someone passes the smallest of remarks to me.
I'm still dying inside.
Can I ever get over the abuse? Do people every really get over the abuse. And If so...how????? Is there a formula and if so, could you give it to me please? Im 34 years dealing with this ****e and I'm heartily sick of it. I've had enough.

LegacyUser · 31-03-2010 11:37PM

I can totally relate to what you say! Having been abused, a child of a violent marraige, I feel that it has totally affected my whole life and I cannot let of of it. No matter what I do. i have had counselling, thought I was through it but do you know what? I am still a wreck. I feel i will never recover from what I went through. I now feel what is the point? I feel right now my life is a mess. I don't know where to go next so can totally sympathise with you

LegacyUser · 31-03-2010 11:50PM

I feel for you. I'm not sure how to respond. I was abused myself when I was 9, on and off for about 2 yrs - It's hard to put an actual time on it, and not a family member which I am sure helps.
I too have been to counseling, been on anti d's and the rest.
I at the moment feel that I am in a great place. Very happy in my life, family, friends and work. (I'm not married and no kids but lots of siblings and nieces/nephews).
I don't think it will ever leave me as in my mind it has moulded a lot of my personality traits - independence, ambitious, empathy, kind, warm and very open too.
I hate at the moment all the talk of the abuse that went on in the church and the call for help of all the poor victims of the priests and so on. I get angry when I hear all this. I feel like I am the survivor of a one off abuser - if you had the full details you might think the same. I feel that all these so called victims of the church have each other but I am on my own. I wish they would stop going on about it and just get on with their lives. I am.
It brings me back down.
Start thinking of yourself as a survivor and not a victim - after all you have survived this.
Good luck.

Kevster · 01-04-2010 12:50AM

Heya,

What sort of 'remarks' that people pass to you are you referring to? Are you implying that the slightest insulting comment is hurtful? Whatever the case, I feel that it IS possible to be okay with past abuse, but it takes effort. The thoughts are very much fearful at first, and thinking about them is very upsetting. I have past issues that I have had to contend with, but I can freely think about them now and they do not bother me. Ironically, it's not about running away from - or avoiding - the thoughts. it's about allowing yourself to face them and think about them (in safe environments though).

As you become gradually more comfortable thinking about them, other parts of your life might become better, such as your self-confidence and other related thing.

Kevin

Taltos · 01-04-2010 07:10AM

Sorry to hear what you have been through. I do not have the same background as you so I cannot comment directly. However I have experience of other things that for a while had me really focussed on the comments of others.

You asked the question though "How much longer can I let this crap affect me???"
That's the key - you have it in one here. Only you can decide that and I don't think there is a one fix for all or a simple plan you can follow.
What worked for me - was the thought one day "I won't let this get to me anymore" - I kept thinking of that or something similar when the same little things would happen.
After a few weeks I found I did not have to keep repeating this - and yes I do still have the off day. But this reinforcement has helped loads. For me it also helped recognizing something about me that I liked about myself - look I am not into all this self-praise crap - but it does help when you can recognize something about yourself that is positive.
In my case my OH helped me with this.

The upshoot - i no longer seek constant validation in the eyes of others - and this is really because no-one really knows me, so if they don't know the real me how can they judge me... With this in mind their comments just roll off now.

As I said I do have the odd slip - but it is better for me.
Maybe a counsellor can suggest tools to help you along this path - I know there are some - I keep hearing of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy - thinking of that for something else but you never know.

LegacyUser · 01-04-2010 07:50AM

Thanks for the replies guys. To answer some questions - I have a very difficult relationship with my family, and its mainly one of other of them who upsets me with their comments. I have a tendancy to have 'dramas' in my life (I dont feel I bring these on myself, but apparently I do) and a sister of mine commented recently 'Oh she's off again....' - as in, here's another drama. It's like my whole life is undermined by them - even when serious stuff happens, I can almost see them rolling their eyes and thinking ..'here she goes again..another drama'...and yet, this is MY life, not some soap opera they are watching. I dont have a husband/boyfriend (another issue of mine) to support me through lifes ups and downs and so I would often turn to family for support...

I get what you're saying about the victims of church abuse. My abuser however, was himself abused by a priest, so I feel I am also an indirect victim of church, and yet I havent rang or spoken to any of their much publicised support groups, because I don't feel they can help me.

Also, my abuser was recently compensated by the state and I wanted to scream WHAT ABOUT ME?????

I dunno, my life is generally good - I have one child and a good job and my own home...but its like I make a b*lls of other parts of it (relationships for example) and it always stems back to what happened when I was a kid....

Taltos · 01-04-2010 09:21AM

One thing to keep in mind is our families have this idealized view of us that seldom bears much resembles to reality. They also know all the right buttons to press in order to make themselves feel better while dragging us down...

I am close to someone who in order to get past this has effectively and slowly removed themselves from the sphere of influence of their toxic family. Occasionally they do go back - but never alone - and never for more than a few hours. Yes the family do still pull them down - but it is amazing how far they have come by just not answering the phone or allowing their "loving" family to brain fcuk them anymore...

In terms of being a victim of a victim of church abuse - well don't know what to comment there. Not sure you would have any grounds - but it seems like you have not really worked through all the anger yet from your counselling - would more help? At some point you have to learn how to let go and move on - otherwise are you going to let what happened to you continue to define you?
I am not saying forget or forgive - just learn how to let go.

LegacyUser · 01-04-2010 09:49AM

And that's what i'm trying to do taltos - learn to let go. And i thought I'd done it.

You are so right about the toxic family scenario. Perhaps this has raised its ugly head for me again because I had a family wedding 2wks ago and once again, ended up in tears in the loo after a blow-out with the most horrible sister a woman could have.

I thought I'd let it go. I really did. I focus so much on my child, and on making his life everything that mine wasn't - I dont mean by giving him material possesions, I mean by telling him how much I love him and by hugs and kisses - something I never got myself. He's a very secure kid - it's clear I'm doing a great job on him.

I know the bottom line here. I feel I'm not worth it. That is often brought home to me when my son needs something and I go to the ends of the earth to make it happen for him. But when it comes to me, my immediate thought is 'sure I don't deserve that anyway..' and so I give up..This feeling is associated with every aspect of my life, down to buying myself clothes. I am still in awe of my female friends who would spend a fortune on a dress for a special event. Even if I had the fortune to spend, there's no way I would buy expensive clothes for myself...my son, on the otherhand, has the best of everything..
I sound like an awful moan here, sorry - I'm actually in very good form lately (though that's not coming across here!!!) - I just wonder will it ever end? I'm not suicidal about this thank god, but I'm just bl**dy sick of feeling this way and of allowing myself to be this way.

Taltos · 01-04-2010 10:32AM

You know - you're not coming across as a moan at all.
Just as a great mum who can now see the gaps in how she was raised and just wonders why? Why did your family not show you the love and respect you show your son...

Some questions we never get the answer too.
It is great you are there for your son. Just don't go the other extreme of always giving him what he wants - being a godfather a number of times over I have seen how that ends up. (gritting teeth here).
But maybe start slowly.

1. Reduce contact with the toxic ones. If asked why - be honest - just too busy. Short and sweet.
2. Spoil yourself now and again - it does not have to be a dress worth hundreds - it could be something as simple as a manicure or a creme egg. Do something that normally you would not - put yourself out of your comfort zone for a treat and see how it feels - maybe a massage or a facial or who knows - a silly bag that will just sit in your press.

I just want to be sure that you learn to love you for you because one day your son will fly the nest and when that happens you need to be happy in yourself enough to a) let him go & b) have a life that will support you beyond that next shake up.

Remember - you can choose your friends but not your family. You can choose though to allow them to push your buttons or not... This has really worked for my friend - in the last few years (it has been slow) I have seen their confidence build and grow...

LegacyUser · 01-04-2010 01:12PM

Thanks Taltos - your words are a great support.

I got myself a book recently - Healing the Shame that Binds you. Started reading it a while ago, but found it very 'american' if you get my drift! Must start it again though - it was about toxic parents and families and how you let them go....

Taltos · 01-04-2010 02:15PM

How to?? wrote: »

Thanks Taltos - your words are a great support.

I got myself a book recently - Healing the Shame that Binds you. Started reading it a while ago, but found it very 'american' if you get my drift! Must start it again though - it was about toxic parents and families and how you let them go....

Might just get that for my "friend". But I know what you mean about being v American

I normally find once you can see past the condescension or the paint by numbers some of these books are very useful. Guess it is just down to their style of communicating.

Stick with it though - and I hope you soon get to a point where their toxic comments either falls on deaf ears or ears that are no longer there just so they can feel better about themselves.... You know deep down this is why they are like this - they grew up in the same family - and instead of learning how to be empathic with others they instead see / use others as a means to making themselves feel better about their sh1tty lives.

seenitall · 01-04-2010 04:46PM

"instead of learning how to be empathic with others they instead see / use others as a means to making themselves feel better about their sh1tty lives."

Spot on. The situation is familiar to me. Rolling of eyes, preaching and general smugness....

"I hate at the moment all the talk of the abuse that went on in the church and the call for help of all the poor victims of the priests and so on. I get angry when I hear all this. I feel like I am the survivor of a one off abuser - if you had the full details you might think the same. I feel that all these so called victims of the church have each other but I am on my own. I wish they would stop going on about it and just get on with their lives. I am.
It brings me back down."

So, let's see if I got this straight: victims/survivors of the church abuse aren't worthy of the name, as they have "only" been abused by priests instead of laymen; because it happened to many victims by many priests, instead of a one off; and because they have formed mutually supportive groups. Did I get that right?

Wow. What a LOT of completely misplaced anger. Who is the one here who is not getting on with their life???

LegacyUser · 01-04-2010 05:23PM

OP here.

They weren't my remarks and I purposely didn't comment on them, because in fairness, I think the person who said it, may have worded it incorrectly (though I can't speak for them of course).

He/She was trying to say that there are support groups being advertised on every tv station, every radio station, every media outlet for those who are victims of church abuse. And unfortunately for him/her, they don't feel like they belong to any of those groups.
And yet they were still abused.
Their abuse isn't any less or more than others. But its like because they have been abused by a lay person, their abuse doesnt get the samelevel of current media attention.

Perhaps you're right and perhaps it is misplaced anger on their part.

But a victim of abuse is a victim of abuse, no matter who the abuser.

Apologies poster if I've gotten it wrong but I just wanted to say that they weren't my words, but I can empathise with your feelings.

LegacyUser · 01-04-2010 11:05PM

I was the one who spoke of the church groups and How to? you have it in one how I really meant to say things. Sometimes I don't express myself as well as I should.
Thanks for clearing that up for seenitall on my behalf.

Nevyn · 01-04-2010 11:46PM

one in 4 is for anyone who was sexually abused as a child, it doesn't have to have been celrical abuse.

You dont' get over it, you can't erase it but you learn to live with it and put it in the past and get on with your life for the most part.

seenitall · 02-04-2010 04:58PM

Thank you to how to?? and survivor 1. All the best.

LegacyUser · 02-04-2010 06:37PM

No worries.
So Thaedyal, you answered my question. I will never get over it. I will just learn to live with it. Which wasn't the answer I had hoped to hear at all...I had hoped to wake up one day very soon and have an 'ordinary' bad day...and not one that starts off with a broken washing machine (for example) and ends with me in tears because even as a child, I couldn't get it right...
I should give One in Four a call - I honestly didn't realise they dealt with all sexual abuse. Thanks for that.

theg81der · 02-04-2010 07:48PM

This guys after getting compensated?!! No wonder your angry, you should be.

I think you should go to a solicitor - you could possible take a case also against the state. Hypothetically as it was only the churches actions that lead to your abuse, if they have admitted guilt in his case, then it should follow, as evidence proves that abuse leads to abuse, that they are responsible also in your case. Or you could take a case against him directly?

Has this man admitted the abuse? Have you gone to the Guards? I`m not saying you have to, I just think you should fight for yourself. Maybe then the small stuff - snotty comments etc wouldn`t be as much of a focus.

LegacyUser · 02-04-2010 08:52PM

Thanks.

But I have no interest in pursuing this legally. Not remotely.

Yes he has been compensated and yes, he has admitted (to me and my mother) that he abused me. But I have no interest in prosecuting him. Or pursuing the state (I doubt I'd get anywhere with that anyhow). He himself is a victim. I was so angry for so long and I have learned (or tried to learn) to forgive him.

He is a sad an lonely old man who never married, had no children, lives in a rented bedsit and drinks. He will no doubt, drink his compensation.

I, on the other hand, have a lovely home, a great job and a wonderful child. That doesn't detract from what happened to me, but for me to pursue what happened to me in a legal capacity at this stage, but be a huge step backwards for me. My child only has me...I can't afford to take such an emotional step backwards.

Nevyn · 02-04-2010 09:37PM

Howto?? wrote: »

No worries.
So Thaedyal, you answered my question. I will never get over it. I will just learn to live with it. Which wasn't the answer I had hoped to hear at all...I had hoped to wake up one day very soon and have an 'ordinary' bad day...and not one that starts off with a broken washing machine (for example) and ends with me in tears because even as a child, I couldn't get it right...
I should give One in Four a call - I honestly didn't realise they dealt with all sexual abuse. Thanks for that.

I never said that won't happen but it will take work.

You will have to learn to see what your negatives thinking and feeling pattens are, to map them, to figure out what your feeling and why and what the triggers are and then you work on working through them so that the impact of them on you are minimized and they don't knock you flat on your ass emotionally and to find the positive thinking and feeling which will combat the negative thoughts/feelings inside you.

As much as you need to praise and acknowledge your child growing and being able to do things you need to be able to do that for yourself and not get caught up in the cycle of self defeating perfectionism and nothing you are doing being good enough.

You'll get there, it's worth it, your child is worth it, you are worth it.

Do you ever REALLY get over it?

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