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think its over?

  • 21-07-2010 7:06am
    #1
    farfromhome
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3 ✭


    Hi all, Im new to this and just looking for advice/opinions.

    My boyfriend and i have been together for nearly 5 years. We moved in together quite quickly, bought a house ( in the height of the boom to make things worse!!)etc etc.

    We have alway go on really well, have a great laugh etc, but I feel that the 'spark' has never really been there. I guess you would descibe this as more great friends than lovers.

    Things in the bedroom department have never been great but at first we got on so well that i thought this was something that could be worked on. With time it seems to have got worse, all initiation would have to come from myself and he definately has very low drive which has led to performance problems to top it off!

    Things have been like this for a good while now and has even started to put me off trying to initiate anything. I would even go as far as saying I dont fancy him anymore like I once did. I am in my early 30s and cant imagine things staying as they are.

    I have tried numerous times to talk to my boyfriend about things but he basically shuts down for a day or two and wont talk about it, then brushes it under the table as if it was never a problem.

    My boyfriend is a very kind generous man but I just dont think this is enough. Any suggestions?


Comments

  • #2
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    His shutting down and refusing to talk speaks alot more to me than the lack of spark.

    This has passive aggressive written all over it.
    Suggest you try once more - he needs to understand that you are now at breaking point - pushed there by his inability or unwillingness to talk.
    It takes 2 people to make a relationship work - it only takes 1 to cause it to end - and him removing himself by sulking - why are you with him again???

    Your call - if you think what you had is worth fighting for - tell him. But if you are going to give an ultimatum well stick to it - though I hate these things.
    Counselling is also useful in these scenarios.

    Staying together cause you are in neg equity - not a good enough reason - so get the house out of your mind it is just muddying the waters.

    I seem to believe the spark is also another red-herring - it is a symptom - but what is causing that behaviour... Only the 2 of you can work this out - but remember - 1 of you could end it right now...


  • #3
    farfromhome
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3 ✭farfromhome


    Thanks very much for your reply.

    I think you have made some very good points. With regards to giving an ultimatium, I basically tried this at the new year teling him I have tried everything I can and this was my last effort as I could not carry on as things are.

    I went and stayed with a good friend for a night after trying to have a discussion about the problems, yes he was very upset, but once again after a day or two all back to normal as if nothing was ever said!!

    Again, 2 weeks ago I tried to bring up the conversation again and he said now is not a good time to talk about this! Its seems no time is ever a good time!

    With regards to counselling, he did get a few appointments but same problem - was like tring to get blood out of a stone to talk about what was said/discussed at these appointments, so I found this of no further improvement.

    I know that no relationship is perfect and you have to work hard, but I feel like i have exhausted all options, hence being on this website!


  • #4
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    There really is no impetus on him to change significantly if the consequences result in you being in a mood for a couple of days or leaving for a couple of days and then you go back and accept everything as it was.

    By giving an ultimatum you have to be prepared to stick by your words. You have to tell him this is it, the end of the road, he has X time to make significant & lasting changes or he will effectively have chosen to end your relationship and then do that. It may well be he doesn't want to change, doesn't feel strongly enough to warrant change or doesn't realise change is necessary.

    Regardless, you have to look out for yourself and your own mental well-being. Sulking and refusing to talk for days is ridiculous behaviour for a grown man in a committed relationship. You don't think there was any spark and now you are struggling to maintain any kind of sexual relationship - I don't think you have much left to loose by calling time.

    Best of luck


  • #5
    farfromhome
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3 ✭farfromhome


    Thanks once again. Everything you have written makes sense.

    You would not believe the relief I have from the 2 replys I have recieved already and being able to discuss this longstanding problem.

    I would consider myself a confident and independant type of girl, and have always been well able to deal with different situations u may meet.

    This situation,
    1. I cant believe I have let it go on for so long and
    2. I think if i was not as strong as I am would have serious self esteem problems!!! (Thankfully not yet anyhow but not far away from starting id say!)

    I guess a big part of the problem has been having difficulty discussing this with anyone as it is so personal especially the sexual side of things. I have alot of good friends but would be very careful not to discuss this in order to protect my boyfriend - but as a consequence have suffered myself!

    I guess by the last few sleepless nights, loss of apetite and feeling of dread, I cant continue to hide from what I really need to do.


  • #6
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,301 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    farfromhome wrote: »
    I went and stayed with a good friend for a night after trying to have a discussion about the problems, yes he was very upset, but once again after a day or two all back to normal as if nothing was ever said!!

    Again, 2 weeks ago I tried to bring up the conversation again and he said now is not a good time to talk about this! Its seems no time is ever a good time!
    IMHO this is quite typical of male reactions to such things. I say that as a bloke too. We can fall into the trap of thinking "oh she's stopped complaining about X and we're back to the way we were before, so therefore clearly X is not an issue anymore". I think its just the genders oft times different approach to problem solving. It can also be an excuse to ignore things and stay in the status quo too.

    Hard to solve if he wont talk about it. Chances are the second you bring it up he immediately goes on the practiced defensive. It seems counseling didnt do much good for the same reasons. Maybe try from a different angle? The romantic angle, rather than the sexual? Keep the sexual out of the mix for a while?

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



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  • #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I am in the exact same position OP. Love my OH to bits, I really do, but gradually the spark has been fading, his interest in me sexually has waned (though he swears it hasn't and he's just tired from work but I wonder how tired can a young healthy man be that he refuses sex?) and he likes to go out and drink the nights he's not working to relax, meaning he's then too drunk to have sex and I have a stupid pathetic drunken mess on my hands. We've discussed and discussed this issue and argued and argued (we are in the middle of fighting about it at the mo and like your OH he is doing the sulking/silent treatment thing for days.) It will probably be the weekend before he talks to me properly again. I'm not going to bother trying to talk to him before then coz it will only cause an even bigger argument and I am so weary of it all.
    I know this is sounding like he is an absolute nightmare and why am I with him but we actually do love each other and get on really well. It's just that he gets into these routines sometimes and if I question them he goes on the defensive. I am not 100% happy, same as you, but I also don't want to give up him as he is the love of my life and a good person.
    What to do?


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