Invited to friends wedding, but his bride doesnt want me there

PopUp · 29-07-2010 06:27PM

Morkarleth wrote: »

I never said, nor implied, such a thing

I never suggested you did. But it's what the OP showing up at this wedding would mean.

Yes the bride is being childish and insecure. Perhaps her OH is encouraging this behaviour by confiding in the "best friend" he hasn't seen in years behind her back. Or perhaps it's totally unwarranted.

But we can't advise the groom. We can only advise the OP and for her to show up at the wedding on the basis of 'screw the bride, she's being immature' would be incredibly obnoxious on her part. A wedding is not the time to teach someone a lesson. And a girl who's never even met her should not take on the responsibility of doing that.

LegacyUser · 29-07-2010 06:55PM

Op - I was in a similar situation. A very good long time guy fried of mine who now lives quite far away was getting married a couple years ago. He and I had actually dated on and off for a while and had stayed good friends although we didn't see each other often. Once he started getting serious with his then girlfriend (now wife) I backed off a bit in how often we talked and what we talked about - it became more superficial. I met his fiance once and she could see the bond we had (we just have a natural chemistry - not sexual) and I could tell it was hard for her to see. After that I backed way off - only superficial chit chat with him and mostly just on Facebook. He invited me to the wedding and said she was fine with it. I went and while it was great to see him - it was a little awkward. Every time I spoke to him the bride ran over to us from wherever she was to join our conversation. She really didn't want me 'alone' with him at all. Like others said - there really wasn't time to visit anyways and I spent my time trying to not give off any vibes / actions that would be threatening / uncomfortable to her in any way. If I could live it over - would I go - probably not. Instead I'd have arranged to see them a couple weeks before (the week before the wedding is often crazy busy) or after.

LegacyUser · 29-07-2010 08:24PM

My god! This sounds like an episode of friends. You should be there for your friend you are with your boyfriend. I wouldn't make any effort to re-assure her like other posters suggested that isn't your responsibility you have been invited by your friend, trust me she will be otherwise occupied. You will be a small blip on her radar.

R.D. aka MR.D · 30-07-2010 12:58AM

If I was in the position I would not go.

How much time will you actually get with your friend at the wedding?

It seems strange that your friend told you about this... what was his reason to do so?

Recently I was involved in a wedding where everyone at the wedding wanted me in all the photos etc except the bride. She doesn't like me. Instead of making her feel annoyed that i was in her photos I just hid in the lobby until the picture taking portion was over.

Yes it is their day. His AND Hers. So in my opinion you can't ignore her feelings entirely.
Saying that I wonder is that really her feelings or is your friend exaggerating to meet his own ends...

MissHoneyBun · 30-07-2010 03:23AM

Essentially, this is the couple's problem if they can't resolve who they want and don't want at their wedding. The OP hasn't done anything to warrant any of this crap and unfortunately their conflicting issue has been made hers by telling her. People need to grow up and cop on to themselves (in this case the bride and groom) and stop enforcing their personal problems on to third parties. It's messy and undignified.

Also, if they haven't mastered the basics of a good relationship (honesty, trust, compromise) by now, they're hardly the best candidates for marriage. They would also do well to realise that potential wedding guests aren't just accessories for the day but actual people with feelings.

whatsamsn · 30-07-2010 04:07AM

Some harsh reality is probably needed.

Op, forget about this friend. Harsh I know. But the only reason why he mentioned it to you was because he was hoping you would turn around and just say you wouldnt go (making things easier)

And also, she's soon to be his wife. If she is uncomfortable with you attending the wedding, heck its sure as set in stone she'll put her foot down to you two having contact. You said contact could be thin at times. Trust me, it would get thinner.

Best advice is to not goto the wedding. You're not welcome by her... But the guy could of stood up and said "but shes my friend" ... he didnt. This whole talk her into it is BS. He would of just talked her into it in the first place. So sadly, forget about him. You know where things stand.

LegacyUser · 30-07-2010 08:27AM

Hi everyone, OP here,

thanks for all the replies - lot of food for thought.
Ive been mulling over what to do - i think ideally it would be great to visit them before the wedding like some posters have said. Money is kind of tight at the moment, so ill have to see if thats possible.

But if i dont get to meet her beforehand and show her that im not a bad person, then i think ill forego the wedding. Im one of those people who hates it if someone dislikes me anyway (lame i know, lol) - so i think id be really uncomfortable the whole time worrying about what she thinks of me, if she's badmouthed me to other people at the wedding etc etc.

Plus, my friend has also told me that big weddings arent really his thing, he is just going along with it for the bride's sake. I think he'd prefer a quieter affair, so this whole wedding party seems to be a bigger deal to her, in which case i think ill respect her wishes on this one and stay away. And not having seen him for so long, id love a chance to hang out with him properly and his wedding isnt the time for that.

Miss UnReg wrote: »

I find this strange. You have never met the bride and yet you know she is jealous of you. Who originally told you this? Was it your friend?

to clarify this, i havent met the bride or spoke to her. I spoke to my friend (her fiance) online and he told me about her being jealous. When i asked why, he spilled the beans on how he used to like me back in the day...which was the first i'd heard of it.

Kimia · 30-07-2010 09:24AM

What a d*ck. He confessed his feelings for you for what reason? To get a reaction out of you? To get you to stay away from the wedding in a roundabout way?

Whatever. I don't envy his bride tbh.

WesternNight · 30-07-2010 10:01AM

unregistered wrote: »

When i asked why, he spilled the beans on how he used to like me back in the day...which was the first i'd heard of it.

As others have mentioned, I'd be very wary of his motivation for telling you this. Even if it isn't in order to get some kind of reaction/confession of love out of you, it's quite disrespectful of him to tell you anything about his fiancée's feelings on the matter.

It's so easy for him to say "ah she's just jealous", making his fiancée out to be some kind of irrational bridezilla. It's entirely possible that she knows him well enough to know when she has reason to worry. It wouldn't be the OP she's worried about, as such...and wouldn't be punishing her for the sake of it. It would be the fiancé she doesn't trust.

Basically it doesn't bode well for them as a couple. And I think, OP, you should just keep out of it because it could end up being you who's lynched when you've done nothing wrong.

SarahSassy · 30-07-2010 03:01PM

But if she knows him well enough to have reason to worry then why is she marrying him?

LegacyUser · 30-07-2010 03:45PM

WesternNight wrote: »

And I think, OP, you should just keep out of it because it could end up being you who's lynched when you've done nothing wrong.

+ 1000000!

I think there's a lot more going on in the background than meets the eye, as others have said. Your friend doesn't sound like he's the most mature, telling you he had feelings for you is suspect. And to say he doesn't care what his fiancee thinks if you come is unbelievably disrespectful towards the woman he is supposed to spend the rest of his life with. Unfortunately, she'll be called the drama queen/bridezilla and other derogatory terms usually reserved for brides, when all along it looks like her fiance is winding her up.

Stay well away, he's looking for a way out of the marriage without getting his hands dirty.

implausible · 30-07-2010 04:34PM

God, yer man's very immature. He's a bit too fond of 'sharing' and seems to have watched too many rom-coms. He shared with you that he used to fancy you, he's shared with his fiancé that he used to fancy you and he's now sharing with you that she's uncomfortable. To be honest, he sounds selfish, not giving a thought to the position he's putting either you or his fiancé in.

Should you go? That depends. If you and your boyfriend want a holiday somewhere nice that also takes in an old friend's wedding, go for it. If there's a gang of mutual friends going and it'd be good craic, go. However, if you're only going to 'be there' for your friend, not only will it be tense (his fault), you'll only get to talk to him for a few minutes anyway, so I wouldn't bother. Send a nice present and arrange to have dinner the next time they are in the country.

WesternNight · 30-07-2010 05:19PM

SarahSassy wrote: »

But if she knows him well enough to have reason to worry then why is she marrying him?

Not everyone is as sensible as they should be.

LegacyUser · 31-07-2010 01:14PM

It's more important for the bride to enjoy her day than for you to enjoy yourself. Have a little respect and be unselfish on this one. Go meet your friend on another occasion that isn't his wedding day. It may seem silly but it is the bride's big day, not yours, and on this occasion her wishes really should come first.

I don't agree entirely with her having a problem with you when you haven't done anything wrong and have your own boyfriend who you would take with you, but I certainly wouldn't want to be the person to upset someone or make them feel uncomfortable on what could be one of the biggest occasions in their life.

Big Bag of Chips · 31-07-2010 03:58PM

To be honest OP, I'd start "phasing out" this friend if I was you!!

He sounds like a bit of a drama queen. And very untrustworthy! I would HATE to think that my husband would be telling his friends about my insecurities (if I had any !:D) And especially if it was a situation like yours. I would see it as a real betrayal... I'm guessing he hasn't told his fiancée that he told you she was jealous and didn't want you there! (or maybe he's really THAT stupid, that he did... if he has/does I'll be guessing there'll be NO wedding invitations to anyone!!)

He's not a nice friend. He doesn't value the people he's supposed to care... don't ever confide anything personal in him.. he won't keep it to himself.. and will probably tell the most inappropriate person possible!

EDIT: Oh, and start the "phasing out" by ticking the "Won't be attending" box on the RSVP!

Invited to friends wedding, but his bride doesnt want me there

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