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Girlfriend sees me as just a friend now

  • 26-08-2010 10:45PM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi all,
    My girlfriend is 20, I'm 25. Recently we had a chat about the relationship. She hasn't been herself recently and hasnt been as affectionate as she used to be.
    Basically, I dont turn her on like I used to and her sex drive is non existant.
    She ses me as more of a friend now and we get on so well.

    We've been going out for over 7 months and this is the first real 'speedbump'. We never agrue and we both make the effort to be romantic when we can.

    There's several reasons why she could be feeling like this:
    - She has been on the pill just over 2 months, which coincidently is about the time she became less affectionate.
    - We spend maybe 3/4 evenings a week at each other's houses (we both live at home so private time is limited)

    She's in college in limerick and I used to call down once every one or two weeks and we would maybe meet up over the weekend if I wasnt working. Before the summer started, she would be horny all the time when I was there.

    As of now, we've decided to spend a month apart to see if she changes how she feels. I'm her first boyfriend and I've tried to take things slow and I love her to bits.

    I just want to get someone's perspective and opinion on the situation, could both of the factors above have caused her to feel this way or was it that the relationship thing was just new and exciting?
    We're so compatible but I feel that because we didnt get enough 'alone' time it's gone this way. Is there anyway back from here?


Comments

  • #2
    Cheap Thrills!
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,723 ✭✭✭Cheap Thrills!


    The pill would explain it.

    It always had that effect on me too, maybe she could find another form of (non hormonal) contraception....


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Exact same happened with me when I went on the pill (microlite) so I changed to a different one, no improvement, I gave up. Took a couple of months to come right after coming off it but my drive and affection returned. I completely couldn't see how different I was while on it, took my bf to sit me down and calmly point it out to me.


  • #4
    StarryMoon0
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 161 ✭✭StarryMoon0


    Ok, well, could be a lot of things, but if the majority of her problem is that she's lost her mo-jo, the pill is a good thing to eliminate.

    When I was on it I put on a few pounds, felt moody and had no sex drive. Biologically the species wants to procreate, cue hormones and sex drive. If your body is being tricked into thinking its alreay pregnant, why bother with the drive to procreate?
    It doesn't affect each woman the same. Maybe she could try a different one, or as was already said, use a non hormone method.


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    So where exactly do I go from here?
    Have we made the right choice giving each other some space?

    I want to respect her space but I dont want to give up on us too easily.

    How long does it take for side-effects of the pill to wear off?


  • #6
    whatsamsn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 911 ✭✭✭whatsamsn


    ouch, sounds alot like what happened to me last year.
    I was 24 dating a 19yo girl for 7 months. Same age, same gap, same amount of time as you. I was also her first boyfriend.

    Now.... the following are factors that have to be taken into the situation:

    - shes only 20 and your the first bf. Maybe im wrong on this one, but from my own experience alot of people at that age dont want anything meaningful. Especially knowing you are her first boyfriend.
    - if you are in the friend zone in someones eyes. No matter what age i think thats a serious alarm bell. They're not in the relationship. This hightens the factor of cheating or just going off with someone else.
    - you mention sex drive is an issue. again, alot of people at that age wanna screw around them. sew their oats and all.


    i feel sorry for you man.
    I was in the exact same situation as you. I wont mention how it ended. Because I am trying to give advise thats not based on my own hurtful experiences. But I had time to sit down and think over the last few months. What above is what I pretty much came to. But then again, I was dating a person who turned out to be a w*ore in the end - so maybe my advice shouldnt count.


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  • #7
    Cheap Thrills!
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,723 ✭✭✭Cheap Thrills!


    where2gofromhere wrote: »
    So where exactly do I go from here?
    Have we made the right choice giving each other some space?

    I want to respect her space but I dont want to give up on us too easily.

    How long does it take for side-effects of the pill to wear off?

    Well, how do things lie at the moment with you two?

    If you could mention to her that it's known the pill can have this effect......without pressuring her, then maybe you can have a good outcome..

    But it has to be done in a delicate way.....without seeming to put pressure on her.....7 months and things were going well....shame to throw that away !

    For me when I discontinued the pill my normal sex drive came back straight away.....very strongly actually...I couldn't guarantee the whole thing is to do with the pill because her sex drive could well come back but she could focus it on someone else.....

    Tricky thing...female sexuality...:cool::confused:


  • #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Here is my advise. Don't contact her. She broke up with you and she is not really going to miss you if she gets to stay in contact. It will also give you both times to think. If she thinks you aren't going to wait around she might be more likely to re-evaluate the situation. If you have been meeting up so often she may just be taking you for granted, especially if she has no other relationships to compare it to. Tell her that you want to cut contact until you meet up again to discuss it. If she texts be polite, but not too affectionate, and reinforce that you should both take time off. Btw, I'm a girl and this is a familiar situation so it's advise that could be valuable.


  • #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Just to update this one for anyone that has the same issue in the future.

    So we had the talk yesterday after 2 weeks apart.
    I suggested the meet up because I was going crazy not knowing where exactly I stood.

    To be honest I had been expecting this for about a month as she had become distant and wouldnt cuddle up to me like she used to so in a way the outcome of the talk didnt come as a shock.

    We met up and I told her what I had to say and what I had to get off my chest.
    Proposed we met up once every 2 or 3 weeks to see if it worked but she had already decided it just wouldnt and the time apart confirmed it for her.

    I'm glad I told her how I felt and I told her that there would always be a place in my heart for her.
    Had a truly great 7 months with her and don't regret a single bit.

    If I had to choose between 7 months going out together, having the break up and not meeting her at all.
    I would choose the 7 months every time despite the heartache.


    Booked myself a sun holiday and jetting off to Spain for a week to cheer myself up.
    I've cut all contact and will be deleting her number from my phone.
    I'm glad it ended civil and not on a bad note.

    Now the hard part, meeting someone haha.
    With me going back to college to do a thesis, I'll be signed up to a few socities/clubs and going out with friends who are still in college so I'm sure I'll meet someone but if I've learned anything about meeting my ex it's that the greatest things happen when you least expect it.
    I think back of how we met and I crack a smile every time.

    It's possible she may change her mind but while a small part of me hopes she does, the rest of me will be moving on with life and wishing her all the best.


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