Unbearable Situation At Home

LegacyUser · 30-08-2010 10:46PM #1

I see a lot of threads relating to problems living with parents on boards right now. I'm writing this off the back of an absolutely horrendous weekend of being screamed and yelled at. I spent all of last night and most of today crying. I feel so dreadful, I just need some kind of advice/support.

I'm 26 and still in college. I was very ill during earlier years of my course (which is a long course) and took two years out at one stage. I failed first year and repeated it too. Basically I should have finished 2 years ago but due to extremely poor health, I'm only getting into it and back on track now. My parents are still financially supporting me, which I am very grateful for. They won't allow me to get any student loans (which they'd have to guarantee, I've already enquired into it) and my course is very demanding so due to the long hours, and the fact I'm still in recovery from my illness, a part-time job is out of the question.

I moved out of home when I was 19 but for financial reasons I've had to move back home now. I was happy enough with this. I love my mum and dad a lot, my mum more than anyone else in the world, but she is breaking my heart right now.

My mum has an awful, awful temper and I seem to bear the brunt of it all the time. She goes into blind rages where she will scream and scream at me, saying the most vile things to me. I have a lovely new boyfriend who I am mad about, but Mum is making the relationship impossible. Normally at weekends, I travel to see him as he's originally from where I live, but has moved away. This weekend he was home, and had a free house so obviously, I was going to stay in his. I told Mum this and she hung up the phone on me. When I arrived back on Sunday evening, I was called every name under the sun; a slut, a tramp, a bitch, that I was going to get pregnant, that I probably had STD's, that he only wanted me for sex anyway and that he'd dump me when he realised how "messed up" I am (the illness I'm in recovery from is anorexia). He rang me after this and I couldn't help but start to tear up and tell him what had happened. She was listening outside my door to the phone call and started banging on the door, screaming at me that "no man wants to hear your problems" and that I'd "mess up the relationship and get dumped like I always do". I was getting hysterical at this point.

I don't argue back. It's useless. I stand my ground and tell her clearly that she cannot speak to me like this, that I'm an adult. It has no impact. She stood outside my (locked) door for another hour, shouting at me. I don't understand her problem. She knows I've stayed over with him before. I was crying non stop while she yelled at me and nothing makes her stop. It makes me feel so, so bad about myself. I feel like ****. I don't want to eat. I nearly had decided to break up with my boyfriend cos then I thought it'd make her stop. She's this lovely, elegant, articulate woman 90% of the time but she just flips and goes mental on me.

Psychiatrists I've been to over the years have all identified my mum as playing a major part in my anorexia. She had me on diets at the age of five and food and weight and how I looked was always a popular theme/topic of discussion in our house when I was a child. The only nice things she says to me are about my looks. I'm the "beautiful one" in the family and that's the role I've always had. The only approval I get is about my looks. She never will say I'm a good person or a kind person, just that I disappoint her and that I'm causing her nothing but grief, that all my friends are losers and that I'm a tramp, "worse than a prostitute". My boyfriend asked me to name out five good things about myself cos he wanted me to feel better. The only thing I could say was that people think I'm good-looking. This kind of treatment is making me feel empty inside.

I can't move out or get away from her right now. I've tried writing letters to her. She's met with psychiatrists to speak about me, to no avail. Her behaviour hasn't changed. She uses the argument that she's financing me to justify all of her nastiness. She doesn't see it as nastiness but my heart is broken. I love her so much and just want her to see that I'm doing my best but it's like I just disgust her. I really need help. I'm in bits and can't rely too heavily on my boyfriend. We're only going out a short enough while and I don't want him to think I'm more trouble than I'm worth.

BizzyLizzie · 31-08-2010 03:09AM

You poor thing

I'm so sorry to hear how tough things are for you. I've been through something similar with my mom, not as 'extreme' as the way your mom treats you, but upsetting nonetheless.

I'm in my 20s too and have been in college for a while. My parents are still supporting me because the hours on my course are extremely long and finding a part time job is proving impossible. This makes me feel bad enough, I hate not being independent. But my mother makes me feel really guilty, saying that it's because of me that the family are in debt etc. She still treats me like a child too, if we disagree I'm told ''when I tell you to shut up, you do it''. Talking to her is pointless because she says things like ''the truth hurts'' and ''there's never any hassle when you're away at college''.

I'm not sure from your post whether you're just living at home for the summer or are living at home during the college year too? I live away from home and having some freedom does make it easier. If you don't have the opportunity to move away it must be a lot tougher on you. Are there other family members you could talk to, to get them see your side? I know it's probably not possible, but moving away would be the best option. At 26 years old, you're not a child, she shouldn't be treating you like this. Her banging on your door and screaming at you for an hour sounds horrific.

I'm sorry that I don't really have any advice for you. Just know that you're not alone and this is a great place to get things off your chest. You've come through Anorexia before, you'll get through this too

Dec. · 31-08-2010 03:38AM

A lot of your post could have been written by my partner. She had an abusive upbringing and is still badly affected by it. The only solution for her was to get away from them cut contact. I'm not suggesting you want to do this but at 26 this is out of order. As far as I can see with my partner the recovery from anorexia is a long and difficult one. My advice would be to seperate yourself from them by moving out or get a third party involved to try and resolve the tension.

All the best

Dudess · 31-08-2010 05:03AM

Yeah I think the only answer is: move out. Your mother is bullying you and for the sake of your health (which is fragile enough as it is) you need to get away from her. I know it's an awfully hard thing to do, but the best (actually only) option really. Your course can wait - you should speak to the college about your situation, which is utterly horrific. I winced a few times reading that post.

Your mother clearly needs help too - I know you love her and she's wonderful a lot of the time, but look at this objectively: what an awful, awful person she can be. Despicable really. You should divert some of that love to yourself. You are undoubtedly a victim of domestic abuse...

LegacyUser · 31-08-2010 08:21AM

Hey OP,

First of all BIG HUG, that is just an awful situation to find yourself in while your recovering from illness. I know you want to finish your course but is it really worth it? If it were me I'd leave college and go on the dole, get rent allowance and move out. Yes it's a ****ing disgrace that your own mother is destroying your life but you can stop her. Get a camcorder and start recording these episodes, get it all on tape. Then approach your college and tell them due to intolerable situation at home you must leave the college, they may help you by holding your place for next year or the year after. Go on Jobseekers Allowance and then next year apply for the Back to Education Allowance, the rules have recently changed so that you don't have to be starting the first year of a course to be eligable. You sound like you feel so trapped, don't be, you can walk out of that house and never go back. I know you say you love your mam but she doesn't sound nice at all OP, you know there's no rule saying we must love our parents, sometimes parents are toxic (read up on this; toxic parents) and yours certainly is. From what you're saying she sounds horrifically jealous of your looks, scummy I know but lets face it that's what it is if she cuts you down to just your looks and then ****ing desimates you. She's got a really nasty evil side if she's calling you tramp whore etc, knowing that you have anorexia. The last thing someone with anorexia needs is to have someone torturing them with insults and lies. HOnest to god OP my stomach is churning after reading your post. Your not trapped, you can get out, your life won't be quite as you had planned but there's always options, evening school etc. Please don't give up. Move out and you will feel so much better. Hold onto the tapes of her rampages so that she can never lie about it, once you've cut contact (which I think you should defo do for the forseeable future) you can get on with your life, concentrate on getting healthy and happy, get into counselling and show the councellors the tapes of your mum's rampages, I'd bet a million pounds that she's the root cause of your illness. If your mum wants to talk again tell her you will if she goes to councelling with you and bring the tapes, she needs to address this lunacy if you are ever going to have a HEALTHY relationship with her. I really feel for you OP, but I have to tell you that the fact you're in recovery even living in such torturous conditions shows just how strong you are, the fact you still love your mum shows you are forgiving and kind, you are a hell of a lot more than your looks, you're also a lovely person. Please do this for yourself, get out and figure it out from there.

Best of luck.

Beruthiel · 31-08-2010 08:21AM

brokenhearted wrote: »

This weekend he was home, and had a free house so obviously, I was going to stay in his.

My 22 year old daughter does this every weekend. It's perfectly normal at that age.

There's no way around this one, your mother is a nutjob. Seriously unhinged in fact.
Could she be going through the menopause, it would explain the craziness?

Only one think for you to do, move out. ASAP. Find a job and finish your course at night.
Anything is better than living with the likes of that!

Distorted · 31-08-2010 08:26AM

I had an unbearable situation at home too - my mother was cheating on my father, my father was besotted with my mother but had no time for me and hit me, my father ran up huge debts and we lost our home and my mother had no time for me either and regularly had blazing rows with my father. All this while I I was studying for my exams to get into university. In fact, the night before my most important one, they announced they were splitting up and I would have to go and live with my aunt, if she wanted me, because neither of them had enough time for me. Oh, and it was always drummed into me that I "wasn't a child any more" and "could stand on my own two feet". I was 17 at the time. I've had what I would describe as mild anorexia on and off most of my life but I also developed a determination to get myself out of that situation and take control of my own life. I passed all my exams, got into uni to study law, left home at 18 and never went back "home". It did take a decision to really cut myself off from expecting anything from my parents, but once I did that I was able to move forward with my life. I had no choice about the part-time job and in fact worked full time every holiday despite at some times being quite ill due to my diet.

So OP I would say you are stuck in a rut and its only you who can get yourself out of it. You can make a choice to be a strong, independent person, but you have to stop making excuses as to why you can't do things (and I know its difficult if you have anything like the rigid eating patterns I have). I do think though anyone at 26 still living at home would feel kind of similar - its a pressurised situation. The best thing though is that once you have your own place, you do have total control about what food you keep on the shelves, when and what you eat, etc and I found that very reassuring.

As to how such a background makes you choose boyfriends in the future, thats another issue...

Redpunto · 31-08-2010 05:11PM

I understand you say your illness is stopping you from getting a part time job but if your mum is a major player in the illness then surely if you move out using the money earned then you would hopefully be healthier?? Do you have friends you could move in with just for a short period of time. The only way out of this is to move out. Had a similar situation with my mum and the only way for her not to scream and shout at me was for me not to be there. Shes not going to change her attitude at this stage so you need to do what you have to do to be healthy.

thefeatheredcat · 31-08-2010 06:47PM

Firstly, is your mum working or a stay at home housewife? And have you spoken to your father or has he witnessed any of this? What do your therapists think about her behaviour?

Well done to you for not arguing back and having to stoop to her low level. It's not worth it, that's guaranteed.

When your mother was younger, she probably used you as a means of getting attention for herself, as your beauty would have reflected attention and approval on her, rather than you. She possibly lived her life through you and your siblings rather than finding a life of her own.

I can empathise not from entire direct experience but from the experience of my brother living at home. Since my mother retired from working she just sits around the house, rarely leaves until my dad practically has to drag her out (he does all the shopping and social stuff). But, I've often noticed when I'm at my parents house, often as moral support to my dad and brother and to neutralise the otherwise at times difficult atmosphere, she's very bitter and cranky towards everyone and actively goes out of her way to cause conflict and picking fights. I've long copped on that she can be as nice as pie to everyone, be really lovely and loving to others...but I've seen some nasty side of her that proves the 'nicey nicey' act is just fake with no substance and only applied when it suits the need.

So if your mother is one of these stay at homes, or works, she's probably bitter and unhappy in herself and feels the need to constantly instigate conflict as a means of getting attention (including negative) and causing drama that is about her and not about you, so she's the focus of all attention and everything revolves around her. She most likely I would say have a low self esteem and possible mental issues herself. Which is why she would go out of her way to call you nasty names and basically, bully you to make her self worth that bit better.

regarding your boyfriend, that's jealously. Every parents' worst fear is that their child will get pregnant without a father in a solid relationship and would worry of this happening and having to clean up the mess and take care of you. However, there's concern and then there's something else. She should be aware that you're able to deal with a relationship and be able to make sensible choices, and you being in a relationship is a good and positive thing for you (especially for anyone battling anorexia and low self esteem), which she is turning into a negative thing and saying negative things about you to you.

The reason I say it's jealously is because you've got the attention of someone and it doesn't revolve around her. She wants to put you down as much as possible to make herself feel more powerful and place more self worth on herself than to actually value you as being someone capable of being loved (which you are very much so).

Her direct negative bullying behaviour is to tear you down, tear down your self worth and self esteem and sabotage your relationship, so that you end up undoing all the hard work in recovering from anorexia, being in college, having a relationship (getting on with life) so that she can always have a psychological drama that allows her to take her unhappiness out on you and trap you into being a victim of her abuse.

She may resent you for what you have ie college, a boyfriend, etc because she doesn't have those things herself.

While you can't really depend on your boyfriend for on-going support and I'd personally not recommend doing so, as he may have a limit.... I think that you should look into alternative accommodation such as house sharing with other students, because living with a person that toxic is only going to wear you down, bit by bit until your mental health has again suffered, college is on hold and your boyfriend, gone. I would suggest that you get in contact with support agencies out there that may help you with options, even speak to those in the college and see if there is a hardship fund that you can apply for, or even look to social welfare for any grants that you could get. It sounds as though your mother is only too happy to pay the financial costs of college so long as you are there for her to abuse you.

Dudess · 31-08-2010 07:42PM

Brilliant post thefeatheredcat. Yeah OP, your mother depends on you being a shell of a young woman in order to make her feel better about herself. You don't need to be another person's crutch though.

My mother had to put up with a lot of bitter, petty, resentful crap from her mother too (and again, my nana was utterly wonderful most of the time) and once she was old enough, she was out. Not easy, but possible.

Unbearable Situation At Home

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