Why won't she apologise?

LegacyUser · 21-09-2010 07:29PM #1

Hi All,

As my title suggests my problem stems from someones inability to apologise to me for something they said. The person in question is my mother. Anyways, over two weeks ago we had an argument over another siblings behaviour at home and for refusing to come to my graduation which culminated in her saying one of the most hurtful things to me that anyone has ever said (I know this sounds dramatic.. sorry). The backstory to what she said was that...according to her... I am simple and I was the reason my gf committed suicide some years ago. This stung worse then anything she has said before (i.e. about me being a mistake or being the one that killed my father (he died a few years ago from lung cancer and smoked two packs a day)). Why it stung so much is because I loved my gf and tried my best to help her out back then but she suffered from very bad depression and used to self harm (it was because she grew up in an abusive home). Prior to me meeting my gf she had attempted suicide and I only found out from her parents back then. It took me years (and I mean years) to get over her suicide and it is only in the last year that I even feel able to open up to people again. I have spent my time working my ass off at home for her since my dad passed and she has never said a good word to me.

When my mother said this to me I could see that she realised at that very second that it was a mistake but she has put me down on too many other occasions from which I was the one to seek resolution. This, however, was a line t0o far for me.... Is it pride that stops her from apologising or does she actually believe that things she screams at me all the time?

All I know it I have not spoken to her since then and she has made no attempt to acknowledge the wounds she has reopened.

I'd appreciate any advice on this so thanks for the responses or even reading this far.

astra2000 · 21-09-2010 09:21PM

Hi firstly I am sorry for all the problems you have gone through and for the hurt your mother is causing you. You need to realise that you cant change your mother only the way you deal with her. I think your mother does not believe what she says to you but for whatever reason she has no boundaries and will say anything to hurt you probably more to do with her own fustrations than anything to do with you, the fact that she has said horrible things to you in the past and been forgiven probably lets her believe she can do it again and you will forgive her. I doubt she will apologise as to do so would be to admit how badly she behaved. Maybe you coulld speak with your mother without been confrontational and let her know how you feel and that you are not willing to accept this sort of behaviour from her, if you feel this is too hard would you consider writing to her and letting her know how hurt you feel? Its very hard when a parent who is meant to love you more than anything behaves like this and even harder to understand, but it is not your fault and if your mother wont change you need for your own sake to avoid situations where she will be able to hurt you or else keep your distance until you may be in a better frame of mind to cope with her.

Sound Bite · 21-09-2010 11:08PM

Hi Op, I dont know why but I often think we lash out in anger and hurt those closest to us because we know they are the most likely to forgive us. Others wouldnt forgive such behaviour.

I think you mum is carrying alot of angry at the moment & she may not have properly grieved for your father & this is manifesting itself in abusive outbursts. She may also recogise that you have dealt better with your grief for both your father and your girlfriend and may on some level resent that, most likely subconsciously.

While she may not be able to apologise for whatever reason, you said yourself she recognised the minute she said it, she was wrong. I dont believe for a minute she believes these things. I think its an outward expression of inner hurt.

Perhaps she feels terrible but doesnt know how to apologise or even think she's worthy of forgiveness. Maybe you should call to see her, tell her how its made you feel and work from there.

PS. these are just my own thoughts on the matter, a qualified professional may interpret the situation differently.

LegacyUser · 24-09-2010 01:53PM

I know exactly how you feel, I've been accused of all sorts of stuff in my family as well since I was a child. My half brother had a stammer cos of me, stepfather blatantly claimed my emigration was the reason mum got cancer - all sorts of ridiculous stuff.
It's classical dysfunctional family situation, scapegoating one member in the family (usually the weakest, in my case the only female child) distracts from dealing with real underlying issues, like for example marital problems. It has scarred me for life and only cutting all ties/ distancing has helped me to identify the issue, gain confidence and have an objective look at the childhood.
There will be no apologies luv as most commonly parents in these familys are not very smart in first place besides admitting any wrongdoing would mean being identified as an abuser. Now, who wants to be an abuser?! Therefore it's much easier to claim it didn't happen and or "you were just a very bad child"
The relationship is toxic and very hard to make right. I had to emigrate as it started to poison my soul - very dangerous as victims have high dendency to continue with abusive relationship coping the parents non existing problem solving skills!
PS. Doing favours and accepting continuous abuse in adulthood do not make them love you. It's rather a proof that they were right and you do deserve to be disrespected.
I advise you to distance yourself first, reflect and look back, find your feet. Then break the cycle by demanding respect or no communication.
Sounds cheesy but you owe it to your inner child!

Why won't she apologise?

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