Checked his texts, is he cheating??

Bijon · 07-12-2010 09:15AM #1

Hi,

With my BF for several years and living together, last night I read his texts (I know very wrong) but I think he may have slept with someone else as he was sent his frined a text about it, afterwards he knew something was deffo up and he seemed very upset. We have/had a great realtionship and I never had any reason not to trust him, I think it was only one time a few days ago. I am so upset but can I confront him about it as I read his texts with no suspicions before? I think he may know that I saw the text though and he seemed so upset last night and wanted me to tell him what was wrong with me, so now what to do?
a) let it go as I really do think it was a one off (or am I being niave)and I invaded his privacy
b) a slight chance he may not know that I saw the text and he thinks I am a cow who won't let him touch me
c) he knows but if I don't confront him he has gotten away with it and thinks I will put up with it
d) he does seem totally heartbroken or is it an act, I don't think it is but then again I never thought he would do that to me!

I have so many questions going around in my head but I am trying to stay calm

Any advice would be great, thanks!

Kimia · 07-12-2010 10:41AM

What did the text say?

Bijon · 07-12-2010 10:47AM

It was all very fast as I could only check one or two texts so I don't know if I got all the info, but it was something along the lines of "pounding" her, I have never heard him speak like that he is usually so gentle and nice which is why I am even more confused!
He is emailling me now in work asking am I ok, suppose feeling guilty??

Loopsie · 07-12-2010 11:34AM

Why not turn it on him
Just say to him yes i am but i feel like something is missing or you are holding back something..........is there something you need to tell me???
See how that goes down with me. Womens intuition is very powerful.........i knew in my gut my ex was cheating along time before he was caught. Trust your naturak instincts.
Good luck hunni
Its a horrible feeling x

Bijon · 07-12-2010 11:41AM

I know I have tried that but he says everything is fine and he is worried about me as I was feeling a little down with work yesterday anyway before I found out. But I just don't think I can tell him I know cos I went through his texts which if he did it to me I would be furious. I do think it was a one off as we spend so much time together and that is the only time I think he had to do it, I have gone through his texts the odd time and there has never been anything to cause the slightest bit of suspicion, I have never had no reason not to trust him before and I always thought I could trust him ! Our relationship is very good but I dunno I just think this will eat me up

Loopsie · 07-12-2010 11:53AM

Love i feel for you i really do. And all we can give you is advice you can choose whether to implement it or not.
I do feel however that you felt the need to come on here to look for opinions is because you do need guidance as you feel lost. This is completely alien to you from being in such a stable relationship.
Taking from experience it will slowly eat away at you.....you will find yourself questioning everything going forward.
Yes you were in the wrong checking his texts but most of us do it at some stage ( i know i do!) and im sure he checks mine.............its human nature
Ok yeah he will probably be mad but if it fixes everything wont it be worth it, should everything be fine and i really hope it will be i cannot see him breaking up with you for reading his texts.
As i said my other half i know has done it..........it doesnt piss me off cos i have nothing to hide (only if im trying to plan somethign for him!) in a way i know he loves me so much and thats why he does it
Could you tell him u picked up the phone to use it and the screen with that text was open and just ask what he meant by his use of certain words ie pounding???!
L x

dublingal80 · 07-12-2010 12:23PM

Hi OP

Im sorry to hear about the awkward situation you are in. Your post though is very confusing. You say "I have gone through his texts the odd time and there has never been anything to cause the slightest bit of suspicion, I have never had no reason not to trust him before"
why go through his texts then? More than once? I dont get that. I was with my ex for 4 years and I can put my hand on my heart and swear to you I never once picked up his phone to check his texts or his recent calls or anything else. There must be an issue that makes you have a niggle of a doubt that you cant trust him, either something he has done before to you or from a past relationship

And then to find something op, about pounding another girl? you have to stop making excuses about how many times he may have cheated if he did, that it would have only been once cos you guys spend so much time together. At the end of the day op, the only way I could personally get through this would be to confront him. Yeah you were wrong checking his texts but you did and you found something that might show he cheated on you. You need to know. You cant go on and not know and try to make your relationship work if thats what you want.

Be upfront with him and tell him what you found and talk it out.

Best of luck

Bijon · 07-12-2010 12:46PM

Thank you both for your replies, I only checked his phone previously cos as silly as it sounds I am nosey and I sometimes like to snoop but I know I shouldn't!
You are both right I have to confront him, to find evidence of cheating once is enough I don't want to have to find it again.
I just hope I manage to stay calm and I am able to say what I want to say, if I don't say anything it will eat me up inside.
And to think just last week we were talking about how we wouldn't be able to cheat on one another, if only I knew eh??!!

Loopsie · 07-12-2010 12:52PM

Bijon, i really do wish u all the best. Its a horrible situation to be in. Hopefully we have all been to quick too judge and there is a simple and innocent explanation for everything
L x

Zen65 · 07-12-2010 12:54PM

Bijon wrote: »

And to think just last week we were talking about how we wouldn't be able to cheat on one another, if only I knew eh??!!

Don't make the mistake of thinking you know more than you do.

From what I've read in your thread, all you know is that he used the word "pounding" in relation to somebody? That is not always a sexual term. The sport context of that word (a comprehensive victory over somebody) is also commonplace in work to mean that a person publicly humiliated somebody (with a comment, with a review, with a performance assessment, etc.)

I suggest you should start the discussion from the perspective of seeking to understand what the text meant, not by jumping to conclusions.

Be at peace,

Z

Bijon · 07-12-2010 12:54PM

Loopsie many thanks for all your help and well wishes, fingers crossed I will stay strong

Bijon · 07-12-2010 12:58PM

Many thanks Zen, but he said something along the lines of "when I was pounding her" and it wasn't about me, just little things about Friday night seem to add up now unless I am just imagining things.
But I really have to get to the bottom of it and I know by his actions last night that knows I know something.
I think its the fact that it is so out of the blue and I had no suspicions, if I hadn't found that text I would never have known.

Miss Fluff · 07-12-2010 01:42PM

You poor thing.

Don't confront him about this over email as it will give him ample opportunity to come up with a decent excuse until he sees you at home later.

Confront him in a calm manner this evening and tell him you know what he's been up to. Don't say anything about reading his texts for now as he can just turn that back on you. Just say you found out that he was with someone else and see what his reaction is/what he has to say for himself.

iceman777 · 07-12-2010 01:44PM

Ask him straight out about it and admit you read his texts.
Instinct is instinct and for you to get closure on this, you will have to face it head on.

Of course he will not like that you went through his texts, but once you discuss what you read, I think you will also see quite quickly by his reaction and behaviour what it really means.

However, you will also need to talk to him about trust if you did go through his phone as there is no smoke without fire.

Also be aware that guys do talk like neanderthals when texting/talking to each other and it may be something that is quite innocent and just built up for his friends so he looks cool etc.

Bijon · 07-12-2010 02:01PM

No I won't confront him over email altho I sent him some thinly veiled responses today so unless he is an idiot he must know, and last night when I got off his phone (my dad had rang his phone as mine was dead) my whole demenor had changed and I think it clicked with him cos he started to read through his texts and last night in bed he was trying to pull me close and get me to talk to him!
I just think the fact that his friend knows makes it worse as it is so humilating and I dunno how I can ever see his friend again.
I am aware that he did probably big himself up to his friend but still it has to be talked about.
I just worry about the fact I have to admit I looked at his texts, and I really do not have trust issues I really do look at it out of sheer nosiness!
So I should just ask him straight out and admit I looked at the texts?

Zen65 · 07-12-2010 02:06PM

iceman777 wrote: »

Also be aware that guys do talk like neanderthals when texting/talking to each other and it may be something that is quite innocent and just built up for his friends so he looks cool etc.

+1

There is a fairly well-understood pattern of conversation amongst males which uses sexual overtones as a means of creating humour and thereby avoiding any train of discussion which might be sensitive. I say "well-understood" but in fairness it's probably only really understood by males.

Lines like:

"She didn't say that last night"

"That's what she said last night"

"Your mother" (has to be used in context)

"Your mom was great last night"

"Yeah, your mom mentioned that last night while I was pounding her"

None of these comments are intended to be taken literally, they are just forms of "macho" banter. Such expressions could be used in text messages also, and would not be meant literally. Men also use fantasist expressions about women, intended only to suggest alpha-male superiority in a humorous way. Hence the following sort of male exchange:

"I thought Cheryl Cole looked sorta dodgy last night on X-Factor"

"Yeah? She looked fine when I was banging her afterwards"

Now, of course the two men know that neither of them have even met Ms Cole, it is understood that the comment is intended only to be funny. If that same exchange took place via text messaging, and you only saw one of the texts, it could look very suspicious.

Don't misunderstand, I am not trying to defend your partner. I have no reason to do so. But in your posts you seem to indicate that prior to looking at his phone, you had no reason to suspect anything of him. In that case, without being foolish, it's always worth considering that an innocent explanation to the text messages is possible.

Good luck, I do hope it turns out to be something the two of you can laugh about in later years.

Be at peace,

Z

seenitall · 07-12-2010 02:16PM

Bijon wrote: »

No I won't confront him over email altho I sent him some thinly veiled responses today so unless he is an idiot he must know, and last night when I got off his phone (my dad had rang his phone as mine was dead) my whole demenor had changed and I think it clicked with him cos he started to read through his texts and last night in bed he was trying to pull me close and get me to talk to him!
I just think the fact that his friend knows makes it worse as it is so humilating and I dunno how I can ever see his friend again.
I am aware that he did probably big himself up to his friend but still it has to be talked about.
I just worry about the fact I have to admit I looked at his texts, and I really do not have trust issues I really do look at it out of sheer nosiness!
So I should just ask him straight out and admit I looked at the texts?

Really? Is that all you worry about?

I'm sorry OP but some things you are saying make it very clear to me that you are already quite determined to forgive your b/f for "pounding" someone else, and want to be putting the whole thing behind you already - that's why it's difficult for you to accept that his friend will know about your humiliation - of all the things that make it "worse"!! :rolleyes:

Personally, I can't understand your mindset at all, but what you do with your life IS your business at the end of the day. Just be aware that whatever you do and whatever he says to you this evening, you will from now on feel that you have more justification than any you have had so far for snooping on his phone. A prospect for a lovely future, indeed.

Wibbs · 07-12-2010 02:24PM

Bijon wrote: »

No I won't confront him over email altho I sent him some thinly veiled responses today so unless he is an idiot he must know,

Maybe not, for two possible reasons A) he has nothing to hide, or

you're doing the "I'll assume my boyfriend is psychic" that some women do.

and last night when I got off his phone (my dad had rang his phone as mine was dead) my whole demenor had changed and I think it clicked with him cos he started to read through his texts and last night in bed he was trying to pull me close and get me to talk to him!

Sounds like the psychic thing alright. He sees you're in a snot with him(and you may have good reason to be), but since you haven't told him why he's trying to get it out of you rather than get into another all too common scenario
Man: What's wrong?
Woman: Nothing(when plainly there is)
Man: Did I do something? Woman: *silence*.
Man: C'mon what's wrong?
Woman(voice raised): If you loved me you'd know/You know exactly what's wrong(which generally he wont).
Few enough men have not had that conversation. Thank god there are enough women out there who don't pull this stuff.

Now of course you could bypass all of this flim flam by just asking him out straight. It makes life a lot easier. And yes you're going to have to admit you looked through his texts. That's a given. If you don't and its true he's been playing away, he may just brazen it out and you'll get nothing out of him. If it's not true then he may just chalk it up as daftness. Be clear.

I just worry about the fact I have to admit I looked at his texts, and I really do not have trust issues I really do look at it out of sheer nosiness!

TBH that doesnt really fly as an excuse. If it was me I'd think the latter worse in a way. Suspicion is a shaky enough reason unless there's good reason and no, "gut" predicated on little evidence isnt one(though in your case I understand the text is a worry). But "just" nosiness? As a reason for violating someones privacy? You could just stop you know. Be nosy long enough and sooner or later you will find something you don't want to read, or something you can jump to a conclusion about.

If you have a feeling something is up and well it might be, ask him. I mean you're a couple for several years and living together. The one person you should be open and direct with is him(and he with you).

Wibbs · 07-12-2010 02:27PM

Zen65 wrote: »

Don't misunderstand, I am not trying to defend your partner. I have no reason to do so. But in your posts you seem to indicate that prior to looking at his phone, you had no reason to suspect anything of him. In that case, without being foolish, it's always worth considering that an innocent explanation to the text messages is possible.

This.

Good luck, I do hope it turns out to be something the two of you can laugh about in later years.

Ditto

Bijon · 07-12-2010 02:36PM

Wibbs you are right I was expecting him to by psychic thats why as you say I need to ask him directly and I totally agree with the whole nosy excuse it is silly and of course one day I am going to find something i don't like. He seems to be a bit short with me today cos I keep telling him that nothing is up so it has to be spoken about. Yes we live together for a few years and we usually tell eachother when we are having a problem or an issue either inside or outside the relationship.
I am just not 100% sure that he actually did cheat on me and do not want to accuse him of something he didn't do but I am not going to wait around incase I "find" some further evidence.

I just want to thank you all today for your posts they really have calmed me down and given me some real clarity

valleyoftheunos · 07-12-2010 03:00PM

Bijon

Talk to your BF, don't make it a confrontation, just a conversation. Tell him everything you've said here, thought there was something up because he was acting upset, read his texts (even though you knew you shouldn't) and that now you are really worried that something happened and you are upset, not because you are angry but because you love him and are concerned for your relationship.

However you choose to do this you must try to make things calm and adult so that there is no anger and so that he is comfortable with being honest. From reading your posts its sounds from his behavior that if something has happened he probably really wants to get it off his chest. At least that way you can both be honest and clear with each other and its only that way that you can figure out what really happened, how you both feel about it and what it means for your relationship.

As I man, I can tell you that we sometimes do things that we aren't proud off and if we had our time again wouldn't do the same. I've known a couple of people who cheated on their girlfriends, they were never proud or happy about it afterwards and always felt awful. Ultimately the only way for them to get past it was to be honest with their girlfriends and try and work through it.

Bijon · 07-12-2010 03:34PM

Valley,

Thank you for the lovely message, yes well I plan to stay calm and not get angry but it may be hard but I want talk about it first and see what happens next, I could even be wrong but I just have a little niggling feeling in my gut that I can't shake and I just keep working myself up more and more and I really need to get an answer today or I will prob end up going on a rampage or something

The messages about him being "macho" seem to add up too, but not enough for me to let it lie and I certainly do not want him to carry on or get away with I deserve more than that.
Part of me though just doesn;t think he is capable of it and it would upset him so much for me to ask him and he had done nothing wrong, but maybe I am in denial!!!

whatsamsn · 07-12-2010 04:24PM

Bijon,
You are the one who read these texts. You know your boyfriend. None of us do. So listen to your gut instincts. It is rarely wrong. If deep down inside you its saying he cheated (and its not being affected by your emotions) then yes. It would be likely he cheated. Gut instincts can also work in favor of him not cheating as well. So its all about what it is telling you.

You are best to confront him and see what he says. Often by doing so you can gain more information because how he acts can be saying it all.

Bijon · 07-12-2010 04:32PM

Hi whatsamsn,

My gut is more so telling me he didn't cheat but the text is just really niggling at me, I just suppose the fact he doesn't speak to me like that I am finding it hard to decipher his text. Thanks to you all today I am alot calmer and I have a lot more clarity in my thoughts which are telling me that he does not have it in him to cheat but that text just won't stop playing around in my head. If I hadn't seen that text the thought of him cheating would never have entered my head like it hasn't entered my head for the 6 years I am with him, but I am sure lots of partners of cheats feel the same before they find out!
Oh my head is just a mess and its my own doing for being a snoop

And I have to add there were no texts from people I don't know on his phone, argh!!!!

Trick of the Tail · 07-12-2010 07:25PM

I'm gonna add a little warning here - you've been checking his texts for a while?

Don't you trust him? Any reason not to?

Trust is very important. If you don't trust him he will know that, and that can erode a relationship.

A relationship I was in for over 2 years ended a few months ago because of this. She was a great girl, really lovely, but she couldn't trust me and kept snooping. I couldn't deal with that and she couldn't stop the suspicion.

Just be careful of that.

A.

LegacyUser · 07-12-2010 08:21PM

alinton wrote: »

I'm gonna add a little warning here - you've been checking his texts for a while?

Don't you trust him? Any reason not to?

Trust is very important. If you don't trust him he will know that, and that can erode a relationship.

A relationship I was in for over 2 years ended a few months ago because of this. She was a great girl, really lovely, but she couldn't trust me and kept snooping. I couldn't deal with that and she couldn't stop the suspicion.

Just be careful of that.

A.

I think if you read through the thread it becomes quite clear that the OP is aware of the fact that she shouldn't be snooping, she also says it isn't because of trust issues, she's simply a nosey person.

It amuses me how every time someone posts a thread about their other half possibly cheating and info being sought via texts or e-mails, everyone jumps on the OP for seeking info in their partner's texts and e-mails, rather than the potentially cheating partner.

One final point, speaking as a guy, I know my girlfriend's had serious trust issues in the past and was inclined to snoop a little in the first year, but I loved her far too much to end the relationship based on this. We talked about it. We eventually worked it out. If you love someone, you work around issues like this.

OP, either way, you need to talk to him about this. Good luck with it!

dublingal80 · 08-12-2010 02:06PM

hope your chat with your bf went ok op

Wompa1 · 09-12-2010 11:51AM

I'd say it's a misunderstanding and he was just being a stupid "lad" talking crap with another stupid "lad"...guys can talk complete sh!te, he could have been joking around.

whatsamsn · 09-12-2010 12:25PM

adfadsfasdf wrote: »

It amuses me how every time someone posts a thread about their other half possibly cheating and info being sought via texts or e-mails, everyone jumps on the OP for seeking info in their partner's texts and e-mails, rather than the potentially cheating partner..

Couldnt of said it better myself.
I cant understand how certain people find snooping worse than cheating :rolleyes: Thats not to say snooping is right, but when you compare the two cheating will always be more hurtful and damaging to a person than snooping can ever do.

Sadly we live in a world where cheating is not confined to a certain type of individual. Everyone is capable of cheating. From the sleaziest to the seemingly nicest of people.

Bijon · 09-12-2010 01:46PM

Wompa1 wrote: »

I'd say it's a misunderstanding and he was just being a stupid "lad" talking crap with another stupid "lad"...guys can talk complete sh!te, he could have been joking around.

I couldn't have said it better myself!!! It was exactly that! I am so glad I said it to him though and we had a long chat and cleared the air, he was upset obviously that I could have thought he could have cheated on me, but I just knew I had to say something. I will have let him know as much as possible that I do trust him 100%, I just feel so silly and he could have taken it really badly luckily though he didn't.

I have learned my lesson the hard way, his phone is his personal space and I have no right to invade his privacy, i will never touch it again as I have no need to!!

I just want to thank everyone here for all their wonderful comments, it restores your faith in others to know that there are some genuine and nice people still left in the world

Checked his texts, is he cheating??

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