I Don't Love My Pregnant G/F

LegacyUser · 11-12-2010 04:33PM #1

So we were mates for a few years, and then after having our own bad break ups, we became **** buddies. We both agreed it was just sex and didn't want anythign more than that.

But I started to get these niggling little feelings that she 'liked' or was starting to 'like' me.
I did my subtle best to defelct these this and re-affirm the 'shallow' nature of the relationship....but then she got pregnant.

We briefly debated abortion, I was for it and she wasn't.
The main points that I put forward in the debate were the nature in which we got together, that we weren't a close couple and there were no real feelings between us, and as such, this was not an enviornment into which we should bring a child.
And when (not if) things went south, I would get the raw deal being the father.
She didn't seem to take these concerns too seriously. Stating that she's not malicious and would not come between a child and it's father.

Months have passed and our relationship has made some progress, I do like her, but I don't love her, and don't really want to be with her. She on the otherhand, seems to be growing stronger and stronger feelings for me....I dare say she's actually becoming abit clingy.

I don't know what to do.
Since I don't have any serious feelings for her, the obvious thing to do is to break up with her.
But I don't want to be a weekend father, or suffer any of the other consequences of breaking up with the mother of my child.

I feel like I am going to have to sacrifice my happines to do what is best for my child, and the overall 'family unit'.

Does anybody have any experiences that relate?

S23 · 11-12-2010 05:38PM

I don't want to get too far off track with this but how did she get pregnant?

If you two were fcuk buddies I would have assumed you were using protection? If so then do you know how she got pregnant? Are you sure she wasn't having sex with anyone else during the same time? 100% sure that is.

She really doesn't seem too put out (from what you describe) by 'accidentally' getting pregnant with someone who is a FB. It takes two to tango and all that but the whole thing seems a little suspicious to me. It seems to be suiting her fine.

If the child is yours then you will have to fulfil your responsibilities (as you are ready and willing to do) but, as unhappy as you are with her now, it may get even worse if it transpires she did this on purpose.

You don't say how old either of you are too. Is she approaching the age where having a child would have become higher on her list of priorities?

LegacyUser · 11-12-2010 05:55PM

We/I was reckless in regards to protection.

I really don't think she planned this...I know her well enough to know that she just isn't the type.

We're both in our early twenties.

Johro · 12-12-2010 01:22AM

Fir wrote: »

So we were mates for a few years, and then after having our own bad break ups, we became **** buddies. We both agreed it was just sex and didn't want anythign more than that.

But I started to get these niggling little feelings that she 'liked' or was starting to 'like' me.
I did my subtle best to defelct these this and re-affirm the 'shallow' nature of the relationship....but then she got pregnant.

We briefly debated abortion, I was for it and she wasn't.
The main points that I put forward in the debate were the nature in which we got together, that we weren't a close couple and there were no real feelings between us, and as such, this was not an enviornment into which we should bring a child.
And when (not if) things went south, I would get the raw deal being the father.
She didn't seem to take these concerns too seriously. Stating that she's not malicious and would not come between a child and it's father.

Months have passed and our relationship has made some progress, I do like her, but I don't love her, and don't really want to be with her. She on the otherhand, seems to be growing stronger and stronger feelings for me....I dare say she's actually becoming abit clingy.

I don't know what to do.
Since I don't have any serious feelings for her, the obvious thing to do is to break up with her.
But I don't want to be a weekend father, or suffer any of the other consequences of breaking up with the mother of my child.

I feel like I am going to have to sacrifice my happines to do what is best for my child, and the overall 'family unit'.

Does anybody have any experiences that relate?

Jeez what a mess... When you say she's becoming 'a bit clingy', well... she's pregnant and likes you more than you thought and is probably hopeful for a nice little family.. I feel sorry for her.
Whatever about being 'f#ckbuddies', whatever possessed ya not to use protection?
And you're saying that she 'liked' or was 'starting to like' ya?
I would hope anyone I had sex with at the very least liked me..
'Just sex' is never just sex. I could never have a sexual relationship with someone and not develop feelings towards her, it's too intimate not to.
I think you're gonna have to step up to the plate and get ready to be a dad. At the very least support her and the baby.
Also, I get the feeling that your view on the casual nature of the relationship wasn't necessarily hers..

Johro · 12-12-2010 01:37AM

Fir wrote: »

I would get the raw deal being the father.

After reading again, seems to me what you want is to go on your merry way with no responsibilities, free and able to do what you like.
I'm sorry, I don't like to get personal, and I may be wrong, but I think you're the kind of bloke that gives the rest of us a bad name.
I hope you reconsider and try to be a father to the baby, you never know, you might feel different when it's born, but you too are responsible, so be responsible.

JellyBeana · 12-12-2010 02:55AM

If you don't really want to be with her then you shouldn't be. You can be around for all the baby stuff and the preparation in the lead up to the birth and be involved with the child as much as possible but the longer you stay with her the more you'll start to resent her and that will just cause the two of you to fight all the time and you don't want that for you or the kid.

You didn't sign up for a relationship, you were clear at the start about why an abortion would be a good idea and you were clear that there were no real feelings and it seems like she's trying to ignore that and just make the best of a bad situation.....which is understandable, she probably doesn't know what else to do but realistically, it's not going to work.

It is probably better to end it sooner rather than later because the longer it goes on, the more attached she'll get to the idea of a cosy family and it wouldn't be fair to break it to her at the last moment, JD style.

Best of luck dude, I hope it works out for you.

cafecolour · 12-12-2010 09:15AM

Fir wrote: »

Since I don't have any serious feelings for her, the obvious thing to do is to break up with her.
But I don't want to be a weekend father, or suffer any of the other consequences of breaking up with the mother of my child.

I feel like I am going to have to sacrifice my happines to do what is best for my child, and the overall 'family unit'.

Unfortunately, I think trying to stay with her is just going to lead to a negative atmosphere in the future for the child.

You can break-up, but try and remain in the child's life as much as possible, though that can get emotionally complicated.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 12-12-2010 06:42PM

Really tough call

Being honest will cause stressto her which could harm your child. It will probably mean she'll distance herself from you for the rest of the pregnancy and you'll be more likely to put in the ''birthday and christmas visits'' dad category.

On the other hand waiting until its born could potentially cause massive damage between the future parent relationship you have with the mother if she takes it bad.

I'm not exaggerating over harm stress can cause to an unborn child. Read some doctors believe the stress of quitting smoking can do more damage to the child than smoking in itself so it has to be considered.

I'm not for a second suggesting this is the right or logical way to go about things but my gut instinct makes me think that if I were in your situation I'd go about things as follows:

Go along with the current set up until the child is born.

Move somewhere close to where she's living and always be there if she needs you. Make sure the place you stay a good setting for looking after an infant - but not big enough for a couple and a child. Single bedroom but big living area would be a good combination.

When the child is born spend a lot of time around your child and the mother.

Have a talk then about the relationship. By having the child-friendly set up and your role as a carer established it will mean the status of your relationship won't interfere to as great an extent with your status as the father.

LegacyUser · 12-12-2010 11:22PM

Johro wrote: »

After reading again, seems to me what you want is to go on your merry way with no responsibilities, free and able to do what you like.

Ok, unfortunately you've read wrong.
The last thing I want is to go on my merry way....or be in anyway apart from my child.
Hence my fear of breaking up with this girl, a fear the Bottle Of Smoke has described better than I ever could have.

Jellybeana wrote:

You can be around for all the baby stuff and the preparation in the lead up to the birth and be involved with the child as much as possible

Do you think so?
I would think doing that would be incredibly difficult, especially if she was in anyway resentful of the break up and tried to distance herself from me in anyway?

Bottle Of Smoke wrote:

Go along with the current set up until the child is born.

This is the catch dude, as it stands we are likely to live together upon the birth of the child...I want to be as close to the child as possible...not living in seperate homes from the child and it's mother, regardless of the climate between the mother and I.

I may be further shotting myself in the foot in this regard.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 13-12-2010 12:12AM

Fir wrote: »

This is the catch dude, as it stands we are likely to live together upon the birth of the child...I want to be as close to the child as possible...not living in seperate homes from the child and it's mother, regardless of the climate between the mother and I.

I may be further shotting myself in the foot in this regard.

That is insanity if you're not planning a relationship and she is. How could you be single living together. Take turns babysitting whilst the other goes on a date?

Mate unless you're planning on being her partner you can't live together

LegacyUser · 13-12-2010 07:12AM

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Mate unless you're planning on being her partner you can't live together

Well that's what I'm saying, I may have to continue to be her partner for the good of the relationship with my child. Like I said in the OP, sacrifice my happiness for the good of the whole 'family.
Surrender the thought of a happy relationship with another woman in order to save a happy relationship with my child.

It sounds insane to the folk reading this, who know the truth.
But to everybody else there would be nothing unusual about that set up, infact, having a child and then not living together would be insane!

Like I said, I don't want to be in anyway distant from my child, never mind falling into the xmas and birthdays category.
And I would fear that not living together could get the ball rolling on that situation.

Shelli2 · 13-12-2010 10:35AM

To be honest, and not having a dig, but it sounds like you've already made your decision on this, so I'm not sure what kind of advice your looking for.

If your looking for someone to back up your decision I don't think your going to get it. While I can see where your coming from, what your doing is wrong on so many levels.

Staying with the mother just for the child is not fair on anyone involved. The atmosphere (which will turn sour, no matter how much you say you can hide your true feelings) is not what you want if you really want the best for your child. The poor mother is being strung along, I would truely hate someone to be with me if they didn't love me. And as for you, the resentment would drive you mad! Trust me, I've been in the exact same situation as you, I was the mother and I was hurt badly, I wish he could have been honest with me from the begining, it would have saved so much heartache in the long run. Sure, it would have been hard to deal with at the start, but if we had split before my son was born it would have been so much easier.

You can PM me if you want to talk some more, I have huge sympathy with your situation, as I said, mine was pretty much exactly what you described in your OP.

Good luck.

tbh · 13-12-2010 10:47AM

whatever else you do, make sure you get your name on the birth cert.

LegacyUser · 13-12-2010 10:58AM

tbh wrote: »

whatever else you do, make sure you get your name on the birth cert.

... and go to a solicitor after birth and have them witness a declaration of guardianship. Name on birth cert doesn't give you many rights.

Novella · 13-12-2010 01:53PM

Fir wrote: »

Well that's what I'm saying, I may have to continue to be her partner for the good of the relationship with my child. Like I said in the OP, sacrifice my happiness for the good of the whole 'family.
Surrender the thought of a happy relationship with another woman in order to save a happy relationship with my child.

It sounds insane to the folk reading this, who know the truth.
But to everybody else there would be nothing unusual about that set up, infact, having a child and then not living together would be insane!

Like I said, I don't want to be in anyway distant from my child, never mind falling into the xmas and birthdays category.
And I would fear that not living together could get the ball rolling on that situation.

'Sacrificing' your happiness would not be for the good of your whole family. You'd be faking a relationship, essentially. You'd be committing yourself to a woman you do not love. Maybe that'd work out for a few months, but eventually she'll know. She'll know that your heart isn't in it, and that is not in anyones best interests. It's not fair on her, it's not fair on you and the upset and stress that this would most likely cause down the road is definitely not fair on your unborn child.

As they say, honesty is the best policy. And it is. Always.

S23 · 13-12-2010 07:54PM

I don't know what to say to you really. You seem to have your mind completely made up.

There has been some interesting advice on here for you to take in. I don't know if there is one definitive 'right' answer.

All I will say (and I'm not having a go at you here because it would be pointless anyway) is that I see a lot of threads about FcukBuddies on this forum. So for anyone who has those issues but chances across this thread it underlines why you should always be careful (in general as well) about using protection with someone who you only have a physical relationship.

Best of luck OP. I hope you find a solution to your problem

OhMeOhMy · 13-12-2010 11:10PM

Hi OP
Firstly, I would like to say that I respect the conscientiousness of your post. It is evident to me from reading it that although you may not have strong feelings for this woman, you appreciate the important role that you will play in your child's life.
What is done now is done, so the issue here is not trying to assign blame or regret for how this child was conceived, but to look to the future and (attempt) to anticipate what will come. To me this seems like a tall order as in life, the future is always uncertain to somewhat of a degree. Due to this, I would suggest that you plan for the time leading up to your baby's birth and the time directly after it.
You need to be honest with this woman. You need to sit down with her in a preferably neutral place, such as a restaurant or a coffee shop and discuss thouroughly and candidly how you are feeling and your concerns for the future. It may be a good idea to sit down and write a letter to this woman explaining everything that is in your head, so that when you do go to talk to her, you are confident in what you are saying and you have your own ideas clearly organised. What you tell her may or may not come as a shock to her, so I would not press her to answer or reply to you straight away. Allow her time to get her own thoughts together, and even if that takes hours or days, so be it. Time is not an issue anymore. Whether you like it or not, you will have connections with this woman for the rest of your life.
When this woman does accept what you have decided, it is important that you both discuss what you expect from each other during the pregnancy and when your baby is born. Be exact. Be detailed. Set expectations and boundaries which will be adhered to. Arrange a set time each week to meet and catch up and to discuss the ongoings of the pregnancy. Will you be present at scans? How and when will you be contacted when she goes into labour? Will you be present at the birth? Where will this woman and your baby live after the birth? Arrange a time to go shopping for all that is needed for the baby (might I suggest the Christmas sales in Mothercare!!) Discuss what financial support you will give which you both deem suitable.
I do not believe that you have to sacrifice your happiness to maintain the 'family unit'. Research has shown that children fare much better in one parent families which are happy and stable, than in a home in which the parents are unhappy with their own relationship. In my very humble opinion, the most important thing that your child needs is to feel loved and to hear laughter and experience joy, which he/she most definately will, regardless of the outcome of this situation. If anything, your happiness will increase once this situation has reached a conclusion, and the joys which parenthood bring are something which you will experience in due course.
As regards your reference to being a 'weekend father', I think that this is your labelling of what is unknown to you yet. I believe that it is much better for your child to have a father who spends time with him/her whilst being happy and content. If this is the case, spending time with you will be something your child will look forward to, and it is most certainly within your power to change your own idea of a 'weekend father', by demonstrating exactly what that is. A dad who revels in time spent with his child and who cares for and provides security for him/her.
On a final note, I want to wish the three of ye every joy and success. Every family is different and whether you are with or without this woman, the child is now your priority and this will become clear to you in a way never before imagined once you hold that little bundle for the first time! :P
I think you can surely make this work. It is very good that you were both friends before this and there is no reason why you cannot remain that way. The worst is to come. Telling this woman how you feel will not be easy and I will not lie to you - she is going to be very upset, lonely and a whole host of other emotions. This is the mother of your child. Treat her with the respect and dignity which I know you will, and that she deserves. She has been through a lot in debating abortion and she is set to go through more - as are you.

Best wishes x

PopUp · 13-12-2010 11:11PM

Since you do seem to basically have already made up your mind, let me offer a slightly alternative view:

You two have been friends for many years. You are sexually attracted to each other. She is really keen on you.

Being honest, there are a lot worse foundations for a relationship. Given just these factors, I'd say you had a fair chance of a decent and happy relationship developing (the stresses of a baby decrease this of course).

The dumbest thing you're doing, in my mind, is not deciding to make a go of things, but deciding that trying to make a go of things will lead to you being utterly miserable. It needn't. If you are positive it will, you MUST NOT do this. It is pointless and will only result in a lot of bad blood and resentment between the two of you.

But if you DO decide to do it (and this is a free choice and one it seems you've already made) for heaven's sake climb down off the cross. You're not martyring yourself, you're going out with someone. If you tell yourself you're "sacrificing your happiness" and "surrendering the thought of a happy relationship" you are dooming this from the beginning. If those two things are definitely true, you should not be doing this. It's lying to your family, the mother of your child, and most seriously of all, your child themself.

LegacyUser · 14-12-2010 10:33PM

Made my mind up? I was asking for experiences, to give me more insight and a broader pov.
Not for advice on what path to chose.

I got alot of insight and I thank you all for it.

Now I have some thinking to do.

booboo88 · 15-12-2010 12:47AM

What I dont understand is why if you were **** buddies why not take extra precautions?

tbh · 15-12-2010 09:02AM

is there any point giving out to him for not taking precautions?

I mean, unless you're then going to give him instructions for building a time machine so that he can go back and take precautions, it's not exactly practical advice at this stage, is it?

booboo88 · 19-12-2010 08:39PM

tbh wrote: »

is there any point giving out to him for not taking precautions?

I mean, unless you're then going to give him instructions for building a time machine so that he can go back and take precautions, it's not exactly practical advice at this stage, is it?

Unfortunately common sense doesnt seem to be all that common!
If he doesnt love he still seems to think it would be better to set up a family unit. NOT gonna work

greenprincess · 21-12-2010 12:27PM

It sounds like your a good guy who want to do the best for his child which is really really great!
Have you properly dated your girlfriend? I know that sounds stange but you say you were *** buddies so thats prob all you meet up for? Try going to proper dates and it might turn out you really like her?

If you still feel that you just like her, I wouldnt break up with her while she is pregnant, it could cause her a lot of stress, maybe after a few months tell her you want to be a part of the babies life but you dont think ye will last as a couple. an un happy family life is much worse for a child then a 'broken' family. If you prove to her when ye break up that you havent broken up with her just to chase girl and act the lad she will respect you and if ye're not in love she will probably realise that herself in a while when she can look back on it. And if you havent been an ejit ye might be able to be friends.

Also your girlfriend does deserve someone who will love her. I know a good few women who have childern from previous relationships in new relationships. You also deserve to be in love.

Its not 1950! You dont have to force yourself into an unhappy relationship because you'v got her pregnant.

Jenneke87 · 21-12-2010 02:30PM

You and the mother to be need a long hard talk. I was in a simular situation once and had he and I talked properly, things might have ended differently

Firstly, I think your "girlfriend"/****buddy knows you are not interested in her, but is instead trying to "coax"you into a relationship for the sake of the child. If that's defo not what you want, make this very clear to her, along with the fact that you(as i make out from your posts) do want to be responsible for your child.Thumbs up on that one btw.

Secondly: Have a legal document made by a sollicitor that one way or another, states your rights when it comes to this child, in case the mother decides she rather wants to do it alone or whatever.

If your "girlfriend" is okay with it, go with her to screenings ect. It will help you bond with your unborn child and will confirm to the mother that you are devoted to helping out with the baby.

And last: keep communicating to the mother about everything. Make sure arrangements are clear(and stick to them) and that you know what can be expected of one another. Best of luck and enjoy your child every minute you can!

Best of luck,

J

I Don't Love My Pregnant G/F

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