Trying for a baby and freaking out

LegacyUser · 02-01-2011 08:06PM #1

My husband and I have waited for some time before trying for a baby as he wasn't ready. After we got married he told me that it was not on his agenda yet and wanted to concentrate on career/living etc.

I was devastated, I was ready for children and had watched family and friends get married and have their little bundles of joy time and time again. After a year I calmed down and got used to the idea of not having children yet. Slowly I adjusted to the notion of life without any baby of my own. Eventually I found that I thoroughly enjoy the life we have for ourselves now. Neither of us are reliant on the other, we can come and go as we please without worrying about creches, schools, babysitting etc. Holidays can be taken when it suits us to take them and all that. Our house is a non-child friendly zone full of glass, expensive impractical furniture etc. When people with children visit we have to do a sweep of our most precious stuff to avoid them being picked up on mucky fingers or thrown around the place. Even our christmas tree has all hand made glass decorations, all very grown up.

My husband announced in December that he was ready and that we should start trying for the baby I no longer want. I've tried to tell him that I thoroughly enjoy the lifestyle we have without any children in the mix but I've been told that he's having children with or without me as he wants his mini-me. What the hell do I do now? Walk away from an otherwise perfect marriage and man that I love or just have the children he now wants?

tenchi-fan · 02-01-2011 09:15PM

It sounds like a massive breakdown in communication to be honest.

I think as a wife you have an obligation to give your husband children. You didn't mention your age but as women get older they will be unable to have children, and from day one of your marriage he told you he wanted children in the future.

There's more to life than glass Christmas tree decorations.

Cheap Thrills! · 02-01-2011 09:22PM

tenchi-fan wrote: »

It sounds like a massive breakdown in communication to be honest.

I think as a wife you have an obligation to give your husband children.

:eek: !!!!

She's not an incubator for his convenience to produce offspring at his whimsy!!!

tenchi-fan wrote: »

You didn't mention your age but as women get older they will be unable to have children, and from day one of your marriage he told you he wanted children in the future.

And yet dilly-dallied while she was still younger and more fertile. Fiddling while Rome burns and now suddenly he wants her to change what she's become used to because now he wants kids.

I'm sure OP was painfully aware of her ticking clock in the past and tried to alert her husband who didn't seem to want to receive her message.

You can't lecture OP because her fertility might have waned with age through no fault of her own. Fertility is a window, waiting if you want kids is a risk.

The OP can not be expected to wait in a state of ever ready patience. It is stressful for women contemplating whether to have a child and I think the husband had an obligation to 'sh!t or get off the pot' a bit earlier than this.

omahaid · 02-01-2011 09:22PM

sunflower27 wrote: »

Wow, talk about calling the shots. I'd be really annoyed if I were you OP.

Having a baby is a two-way thing. You both have to want it.

I think he is being really unfair. When you wanted a baby he had no problem telling you that he wasn't ready.

I dont really know what to suggest. I mean, it sounds as though you have talked it through and it's a case of his way or the highway.

Does he normally call all the shots?

There is little point blaming the man<snip>. He is entitled to his desires just as the OP is. If he didn't want children early on she could have pushed the matter if she really wanted them. If she doesn't want them now then she doesn't have to, he isn't going to force her, is he?

OP, why do you not want kids now? Is it just a lifestyle thing? Having kids is a big issue in a marriage if there is a difference. You might have to prepare yourself for the fact he may want children at all costs and you may not want children at all costs, then there may be serious issues.

omahaid · 02-01-2011 09:24PM

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

I think the husband had an obligation to 'sh!t or get off the pot' a bit earlier than this.

So the husband has an obligation but the wife doesn't? :rolleyes:

Ickle Magoo · 02-01-2011 09:33PM

tenchi-fan wrote: »

It sounds like a massive breakdown in communication to be honest.

I think as a wife you have an obligation to give your husband children. You didn't mention your age but as women get older they will be unable to have children, and from day one of your marriage he told you he wanted children in the future.

There's more to life than glass Christmas tree decorations.

:eek: What? She has an obligation to have children as soon as her husband snaps his fingers and he's perfectly entitled to put the kibosh on her wishes and gets to say when and where? Seriously?

OP,

Why don't you want kids now? Might you want them in the future? I think you both need to sit down and lay your cards on the table. I can understand you are angry at him stopping you from having a baby when you wanted one but I think you have to be careful that you are now turning the tables for the right reasons and not because you still harbour resentment. How does he intend on having kids without you? It all sounds very angry and full of threats and emotional blackmail, not the loving, open discussion of a close couple discussing parenthood - you need to work out why that is and then try to work out where you as a couple go from here.

All the best.

Cheap Thrills! · 02-01-2011 09:49PM

omahaid wrote: »

So the husband has an obligation but the wife doesn't? :rolleyes:

BOTH have an obligation to discuss it at the earliest reasonable time. She tried, she fulfilled this obligation. He chose not to hear or listen and so maybe failed to fulfll his obligation in a timely fashion.

When that happens a woman doesn't know if she's getting fobbed of for ever or temporarily.

I think the point of her post is she was up for it but he wasn't and now he is. I didn't bring up 'obligation' in the first place but I think she tried her best to alert him the time was nigh.

It may be now that she just feels she doesn't want to take the extra risks involved and that is a perfectly valid sentiment. He should have maybe taken her concerns a little bit more seriously. Unfortunately women don't have the luxury of time with these things.

It's not a level playing field.

PS. I get that there can be man-bashing and double standards a lot in RI but this is not one of those times. Timing IS an issue in these things.

LegacyUser · 02-01-2011 09:56PM

I have a duty to be happy and maintain a happy marriage, not to be a baby factory. When we got married I would have given up everything to be a mother. Now I am established in my career as is my husband. If we have a baby I will have to stop working in the manner that I currently do. Our lifestyle will change completely. I have become comfortable with the life I have now; we have a great marriage, we didn't and still don't fight too much and had a fantastic sex life which has suffered. My age/fertility have nothing to do with my desire to not have a baby.

I was very upset when he wasn't ready after we got married but I was not going to force him as he would have resented me. He wants children and wants to have them now. I don't think I'll want them in the future but I never thought I wouldn't either. I'm still on birth control he doesn't know about, I get the injection every 3 months and that is not due until the beginning of February.

aidan24326 · 02-01-2011 10:08PM

nowTrying wrote: »

. Our house is a non-child friendly zone full of glass, expensive impractical furniture etc. When people with children visit we have to do a sweep of our most precious stuff to avoid them being picked up on mucky fingers or thrown around the place. Even our christmas tree has all hand made glass decorations, all very grown up.

All pretty irrelevant to be honest.

...but I've been told that he's having children with or without me as he wants his mini-me

And how does he propose to do that exactly? Leave you? That's how it sounds, which is just emotional blackmail and certainly no way to go about having a baby. If you're not ready you're not ready, let him like it or lump it. He's not the one who'll have to carry it around for 9 months either.

Do be careful that you're not rejecting the idea of kids for the wrong reasons though, you wanted a baby before so the instinct to have one is there, and you don't want to regret it when you're older.

LegacyUser · 02-01-2011 10:17PM

aidan24326 wrote: »

All pretty irrelevant to be honest.

And how does he propose to do that exactly? Leave you? That's how it sounds, which is just emotional blackmail and certainly no way to go about having a baby. If you're not ready you're not ready, let him like it or lump it. He's not the one who'll have to carry it around for 9 months either.

Do be careful that you're not rejecting the idea of kids for the wrong reasons though, you wanted a baby before so the instinct to have one is there, and you don't want to regret it when you're older.

The very adult life we have set up for ourselves may seem irrelevant to you but is very important to me. Initially I accepted that children were off the table for now, I then embraced it and eventually grew to love it. Everything I have done over the years will be cast aside for this baby. I'm so scared of losing my husband and also afraid of all this change. He has changed our sex life into a mechanical act of baby making, all the fun and love has been taken out of it.

killerking · 02-01-2011 10:32PM

Hi OP,

Your husband could not be forced to have children when he was not ready and you can't be forced to have children against your will.
Once you wanted children when he didn't and now he wants children when you don't. Neither of you can turn back time.
The ship is sailed.
The decisions both of you made in the past have consequences and you are where you are now.
You are sure you don't want children and that's that.
In the past if you wanted children you married the wrong man and now that he wants children then he has clearly married the wrong woman.
If his desire to have children is overpowering and you still are adamant you do not want children then this could be the end of your marriage.
If his desire to have children cannot be satisfied then he might leave you and have children with another woman.
You have to face up to that very real possibility.
Having children is very strong desire and you have to the right to refuse to have his children.
You do run the very real risk that he will have an extramarital affair and have a baby with another woman to ensure he leaves something behind him when he is gone to his eternal reward.
Would you deny him the right to have any children?
Would you change your mind and have children for the sake of your marriage?
Would you run the risk of an unhappy marriage until you both pass away because you both never had children?
It's ultimately your decision but when you reach menopause and you both face into old age without children with this bitterness potentially hanging over you both, life could become very miserable indeed.

Ickle Magoo · 02-01-2011 11:39PM

nowTrying wrote: »

The very adult life we have set up for ourselves may seem irrelevant to you but is very important to me. Initially I accepted that children were off the table for now, I then embraced it and eventually grew to love it. Everything I have done over the years will be cast aside for this baby. I'm so scared of losing my husband and also afraid of all this change. He has changed our sex life into a mechanical act of baby making, all the fun and love has been taken out of it.

Would you consider mediation of some sort? Making unilateral decisions regarding both your futures without consulting each other or taking the other parties wishes into consideration - whether than be refusing to have kids years ago, demanding kids now or furtively taking contraception so you make the unilateral decision are not signs of a healthy and happy relationship.

Darlughda · 02-01-2011 11:51PM

Ok, so the deal was you wanted kids and the husband did not.

Then a nice lifestyle arrived. You have changed your mind, and your husband has not, instead he has decided he wants them now.

Now hang on a sec. You entered into this marriage on the agreement of having kids. Albeit it seems on your husband's schedule, however, you went along with this and now you find you don't want to upset your lifestyle.

Do you want kids or not? I do not think you should have kids just because your husband has said he is ready for them now, but nonetheless, are you going back on some kind of agreement you had together before you got married?

If your position has changed for you, can you not offer a better argument than the nice furnishings in your home and the better lifestyle you have now?

I am somebody who will never have children, but I would never dream of entering into a marriage with someone who wants kids. However, if you do want kids, but just want more time to enjoy life as a couple then surely you can tell him this?

Walls · 03-01-2011 12:24AM

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Would you consider mediation of some sort? Making unilateral decisions regarding both your futures without consulting each other or taking the other parties wishes into consideration - whether than be refusing to have kids years ago, demanding kids now or furtively taking contraception so you make the unilateral decision are not signs of a healthy and happy relationship.

This is the best thing, I think. You and your husband are making large, long term decisions that impact greatly on each other and your marriage, and not talking to each other at all.

I really do think mediation is the way forward. What do you think, OP?

matrim · 03-01-2011 01:51AM

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

:eek: !!!!

She's not an incubator for his convenience to produce offspring at his whimsy!!!

While I disagree with the exact sentiment of what was said, they would have both gotten in to the relationship with the idea that they both wanted children at some stage. He wasn't ready at the start but from what the OP said it was never fully off the table just pushed back. The OP is now seemingly putting it fully off the table, so the terms of the relationship have changed, so while her husband can't force her to be the one to have his kids, he is within his rights to think that the relationship isn't what he signed up for.

The best way forward would probably be for the OP and her husband to go for counseling to try talk about what they both want from the future and either try to come up with a compromise or end the relationship

aidan24326 · 03-01-2011 02:33AM

nowTrying wrote: »

The very adult life we have set up for ourselves may seem irrelevant to you but is very important to me

I certainly wasn't implying that the life you have is irrelevant, obviously your career and stuff like that certainly isn't. But as Darlughda said also, all this stuff about your plush furnishings and the like is hardly the issue now is it? There are valid reasons not to want kids but protection of your expensive sofa and your handcrafted Christmas decorations is hardly one of them.

He has changed our sex life into a mechanical act of baby making, all the fun and love has been taken out of it.

Then there's obviously something more wrong with your relationship than you're admitting, because there's no reason why it should be like that at all.

Maybe it feels mechanical to you now because you resent that he's trying to get you pregnant, and you feel like a baby machine. I can see how that wouldn't be very conducive to a girl's enjoyment of sex.

Either way you'll have to be honest with each other, it's the only way you have any chance of fixing this. And that means telling him you're still on contraception. Ultimately if you decide that kids really aren't for you, not now or any time, then there's a strong chance that will be the end of the marriage. Personally I don't agree with dumping someone over kids, to me you marry the person not their testes/ovaries, but then that's just me and your husband may not see it like that.

bronte · 03-01-2011 11:58AM

Op, I'd definitely talk to a professional 3rd party with your husband.
It does seem that he's determined to do this and if you really don't want to now then my advice is to move on from the relationship ultimately.
I say that as someone who has faced similar albeit not in a marriage.
Life works in funny ways, you may have never seen this coming.
It's unfortunate...but bringing children into the world that you don't want more than anything else would be much,much worse.

I wish you all the best.

Distorted · 03-01-2011 01:11PM

nowTrying wrote: »

My husband announced in December that he was ready and that we should start trying for the baby I no longer want. I've tried to tell him that I thoroughly enjoy the lifestyle we have without any children in the mix but I've been told that he's having children with or without me as he wants his mini-me.

That sounds a horribly stressed, pressurised situation to be in OP. What stands out is that your husband hasn't discussed this life changing choice with you and doesn't listen to you.

As I see it, you have three choices:
- you agree to have a child you don't really want and end up resenting him and all the problems that will bring.
- you leave him as you can't accept his behaviour over this
- you stay with him and refuse to have a child and the consequences that will bring

In all of those options, the relationship sounds on shaky grounds.

When I was younger, I used to think people got married purely because they were in love, found each other physically attractive and enjoyed each other's personalities. Now I see that people get married for all sorts of reasons as well, such as aspiring to a certain lifestyle, pleasing their parents, to find someone who will financially provide for them, etc..

I do think a man who has the attitudes of your husband is a risky choice. Probably you are just seeing this side to him for the first time. If he is prepared to disreguard your views so quickly on this issue, he may well do so on others in the future. I would be thinking that he didn't love me for myself, but for what he can get out of me.

Theres also the practical view. You are not financially dependent on this man - he isn't providing you with some WAG lifestyle where you have nothing else to do than reproduce. You are also providing the lifestyle, and most likely you will have to go back to work after having the baby to provide for it. While this is fine where having a child is a mutual choice, I think this is asking too much of someone who has views such as you.

S23 · 03-01-2011 02:30PM

Distorted wrote: »

That sounds a horribly stressed, pressurised situation to be in OP. What stands out is that your husband hasn't discussed this life changing choice with you and doesn't listen to you.

As I see it, you have three choices:
- you agree to have a child you don't really want and end up resenting him and all the problems that will bring.
- you leave him as you can't accept his behaviour over this
- you stay with him and refuse to have a child and the consequences that will bring

In all of those options, the relationship sounds on shaky grounds.

When I was younger, I used to think people got married purely because they were in love, found each other physically attractive and enjoyed each other's personalities. Now I see that people get married for all sorts of reasons as well, such as aspiring to a certain lifestyle, pleasing their parents, to find someone who will financially provide for them, etc..

So very, very, very sad and so very, very, very true.

I am a friend · 03-01-2011 04:16PM

It's not a perfect marriage if you are on birth control that he knows nothing about. It's a marriage based on lies. He obviously, from your description of his lovemaking, thinks ye are trying.
That's shocking and not the kind of relationship s child should be brought into. Have you thought about the consequences of him finding out you are lying???

Distorted · 03-01-2011 04:55PM

I am a friend wrote: »

It's not a perfect marriage if you are on birth control that he knows nothing about. It's a marriage based on lies. He obviously, from your description of his lovemaking, thinks ye are trying.
That's shocking and not the kind of relationship s child should be brought into. Have you thought about the consequences of him finding out you are lying???

The OP said the contraceptive she uses is the injection, 3 monthly, and the next one isn't due til February. In that case, she will be protected against becoming pregnant until February at least. There is nothing she can do about it. From the sound of it, the OP's husband is unaware of which contraceptive method she uses.

I have to say though, that I think a lie about contraception to a husband wishing to impose his wishes about having children on his wife is a white lie, compared to the consequences of the OP having children she doesn't want.

killerking · 03-01-2011 04:59PM

Distorted wrote: »

I have to say though, that I think a lie about contraception to a husband wishing to impose his wishes about having children on his wife is a white lie, compared to the consequences of the OP having children she doesn't want.

The OP is having sex with her husband while leading him to believe she is not using contraceptives. That is a bit more than a white lie tbh and if he finds out what she is doing he is going to feel betrayed. That is potentially a relationship ending betrayal in many people's book.

Chinafoot · 03-01-2011 05:05PM

killerking wrote: »

The OP is having sex with her husband while leading him to believe she is not using contraceptives. That is a bit more than a white lie tbh and if he finds out what she is doing he is going to feel betrayed. That is potentially a relationship ending betrayal in many people's book.

As his behaviour tbh.

Yes, she should have told him that the contraception she is using is still in effect. Her having had the injection before he decided he wanted to start trying is not her being deceitful. If he was that interested in what form of contraception she was using I'm sure he would have asked. Maybe she needs this time to get her head around everything, particularly since the OP has said her husband has turned their sex-life into baby-making procedure and nothing else. Is it ideal? Of course not. Then again, neither is his approach to the whole thing.

OP, counselling would be the best option here. He can't suddenly start making demands of you, and ignore any bullshít backwards nonsense about it being your wifely duty to bear the fruit of his loins :rolleyes: You do, however, need to start communicating.

Distorted · 03-01-2011 05:16PM

killerking wrote: »

The OP is having sex with her husband while leading him to believe she is not using contraceptives. That is a bit more than a white lie tbh and if he finds out what she is doing he is going to feel betrayed. That is potentially a relationship ending betrayal in many people's book.

Well, if thats all he thinks of his wife, she would be well shot of him.

tbh I think its a perfectly human response to someone making a unilateral decision about your future. Perhaps its an attempt by the OP to remain in control of her life, while she is flabbergasted by his sudden about turn.

Firetrap · 03-01-2011 06:57PM

A thing which jumped out at me in the original's post was the husband's intention to have his "mini-me" with or without the OP :eek: It doesn't strike me as being the perfect marriage if he's prepared to go elsewhere to have a kid. Or that he's the one calling the shots on the issue of when they should have a baby. Is he as dictatorial when it comes to other things I wonder?

The only thing the OP can do really is either try to communicate with her husband or go to counselling. Either way, a crunch is going to come on this issue sooner rather than later.

Neyite · 03-01-2011 07:17PM

It can take some time for fertility to be restored after the Contraceptive Injection. Some recommend 6 months of non hormonal contraceptive between the Injection and beginning to concieve. Average fertility can take 9-10 months after the last injection. It can also take up to 18 months in some cases for fertility to be fully restored.

OP, I dont know what brand you are on, but I strongly suggest you speak to a pharmicist/GP regarding the effects to fully leave your system. It may be that it would not be safe for a potential pregnancy so soon after your november jab. (hypothetically if you didnt get your next jab and got pregnant instead)You would need to switch to a non hormonal contraceptive until summer at least.

If this is the case, then it buys you some time to fully bring up this issue with your husband. You have 2 months until you decide whether to get the next injection or not. Talk to him. Remind him how it would change your lifestyles. Who will stay at home with them, who will leave work to pick them up from the creche if they are sick? if one of you does stay at home, how is income dealt with? Its easy to want kids over christmas - when you seen other peoples children all excited about christmas and presents and santa etc. Can you both babysit some relatives over a full weekend friday night to sunday night, to give him a taste of whats involved?

Could it be that he thinks that since you wanted a child some time ago, that you still do and imagines you think his sudden decision is the best news you've heard?

Walls · 03-01-2011 07:18PM

There is a lot here that is wrong.

Your husband seems to be saying that both of you are going to try for a baby now, end of story. However, this doesn't take your views into account. Also, if you wanted to, your method of contraception doesn't allow it, as you're not fertile until, what, January? Is your husband so ignorant of your life (and of you) that he doesn't know what method you use? Does he not ask? What did he think was going to happen, that you would be compliant the first time and compliant the second time?

Did you raise any objections to his first demand of no pregnancy, OP?

Secondly, you have a right to voice concerns and to be heard. Please speak up, and demand some form of mediation. The brisk way he issues demands that have a material impact on both of you needs to be looked at, and changed.

astra2000 · 03-01-2011 07:29PM

Op it sounds like quiet a turn around to go from really wanting children immediately, to never wanting them. I think you may have inadvertently "brainwashed" yourself into not wanting them. Is it possible that your way of coping with not having the baby you wanted at that time, was by seeing all the negative things about been a parent? Have you been concentrating on how messy, time consuming, costly, ect babies/children can be. Have you upped the importance of your career to compensate for a lack of a child? What were the reasons you wanted a baby in the first place? Try and remember them, there are way more positive sides to been a parent than negative.
Ask your hubby for time, its only fair that he should give you some. Start looking for the positives in been a parent keep an open mind and see how you feel after a few months. You need to be honest with your husband regarding birth control if you decieve him that will end up causing more problems should he find out.
Imho there is a huge difference between your husband asking to wait and you deciding you never want kids. You both entered the marriage agreeing that you would like children chances are he may never have married you if you had ruled out having kids from the beginning. I think the fact that you were willing to wait until your husband was ready to have a baby despite the fact that you really wanted one at the time, shows you love and respect him very much, and you are a reasonable person, you didnt allow it to mar your marriage which shows a great degree of maturity.
I wouldnt reccommend going along with your husbands wishes in order not to lose him, I think as I already said you should try remembering why you wanted a baby in the first place. Believe me the majority of us parents would have had concerns before we had children. I used to look at mothers with my mouth hanging open:) I could not understand how they managed. But it is different when its your own baby, nature takes over I suppose, and there is so much to be happy about you dont even notice the mess or broken odds and ends, all that becomes inconsequential, and to be honest even if you never had children posessions should never be top priority.
Best of luck op I hope you and your husband reach an agreement where you are both happy.

LegacyUser · 03-01-2011 07:30PM

My husband is a bit of a leader of a person but so am I. I'm just as demanding and dictatorial as him. The fact that he wants a son like him doesn't single him out from the vast majority of parents out there. Anyone that has dreamt of having children has dreamt of having a child something like them if not exactly like them. You want certain traits in the child and my husband is no different in that regard.

We had a huge argument when he said that we are now trying for a child and that's when he told me he was having them with or without me. I hope that the threat is an empty one said in anger. If not our problems are not with the fact that my husband wants to be a dad.

He knows I was on the pill but I switched to the injection a good while ago as it suited me better. It wasn't really something we discussed as I'm the one that has to take the drug so I need to be happy, funny thing is he never noticed that I haven't had a menstrual period in a couple of years and there's no tampons on the shopping list any more! There was no deception with the change of contraception, just that it suited me better than the combined pill. As another poster pointed out I had the injection before my husband said that he wanted to have children now, I've just not told him since then that I'm on it. Weirdly I wanted to keep that little piece of information from him while I got my head together and made up my mind. I know that although the injection is again due in February it will most likely take a lot longer to leave my system than that date so there will be no pitter patter of tiny feet any time soon regardless.

No marriage is perfect - if there were perfect marriages out there we would use them as a blueprint for every other marriage and relationship problems would be non existant. We have a great marriage and a very happy life together. I love that life as it stands and a child or children will take that great dynamic away. My husband and I need to talk, we're still quite angry with eachother (I now see the anger in both of us and not just in him). Our sex life has definitely suffered as a result, it's not as loving and tender as it was but we're both pretty angry so obviously that is going to be a bit of a problem. First I need to stop being mad and scared and everything else that I am right now!!!

Thanks to all for your responses, my husband is not a bad person and neither am I. I think some couples time away from work for both of us is called for and I really need to tell him about my contraceptive "problems"!!!

LegacyUser · 03-01-2011 08:28PM

As a woman who was in your situation a few years ago all I can say is you MAY regret not having children. But you will NEVER regret it, if you do have them.

The christmas tree, the furniture etc etc - it's all just material posessions. You need to decide whether you will ever want children, and tell your husband the truth. At the very least, he deserves the truth from you.

Cheap Thrills! · 03-01-2011 08:29PM

nowTrying wrote: »

The fact that he wants a son like him doesn't single him out from the vast majority of parents out there. Anyone that has dreamt of having children has dreamt of having a child something like them if not exactly like them.

Hmm, I think most people hope their kid would be like their partner rather than themselves. I've never really heard of someone wanting a clone of themselves!!!

What's his sudden rush by the way?

Is he competing with someone else whose just had a child or become pregnant?

Ickle Magoo · 03-01-2011 08:30PM

Just as a quick warning re the Depo injections, my doctor said it could take anything up to a year to get pregnant and I was expecting 6wks later - so be careful.

Wishing you all the best OP.

S23 · 03-01-2011 08:33PM

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Hmm, I think most people hope their kid would be like their partner rather than themselves. I've never really heard of someone wanting a clone of themselves!!!

What's his sudden rush by the way?

Is he competing with someone else whose just had a child or become pregnant?

Unfortunately the OP isn't too wide of the mark. I have no interest in having kids so I won't interject with any advice as to how they should proceed. However, I will say that I've heard some of the most hideously selfish reasons for people I know wanting and having kids. He wouldn't be the first man so hideously vain that he brought a child into the world with the hope/purpose of having a little clone of themselves if at all possible.

Competitiveness could also be a factor as Cheap Thrills has pointed out. I've also heard the 'Paula is pregnant/had a kid so I want one now' as a reason for wanting to concieve.

Also, while it's not something people freely admit too often, the notion that you never regret having children is off the mark too. It can happen. A friend of mine told me that having a child ruined his life. He dearly loves his and would do absolutely anything for him but his own life isn't what he wants it to be now.

sam34 · 03-01-2011 11:09PM

unregistered wrote: »

As a woman who was in your situation a few years ago all I can say is you MAY regret not having children. But you will NEVER regret it, if you do have them.

completely untrue.

you have no idea how someone else will feel after having children. you may not regret having them, but that does not mean everyone else would think similarly.

while i know plenty people who are delighted they had kids, i also know a good few, male and female, who regret having had children, for a variety of reasons.

I am a friend · 04-01-2011 02:43AM

Distorted wrote: »

The OP said the contraceptive she uses is the injection, 3 monthly, and the next one isn't due til February. In that case, she will be protected against becoming pregnant until February at least. There is nothing she can do about it. From the sound of it, the OP's husband is unaware of which contraceptive method she uses.

want.

Well why is he unaware what contraception she is on and why is she saying he is making love as if to make babies if he knows she is on contraception.

Trying for a baby and freaking out

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