Cheated

LegacyUser · 17-01-2011 12:41PM #1

I did a really stupid thing on Sat night, I ended up with a girl from a party and back in a Hotel, we didnt have full on Sex but lots of messing if you know what I mean. I'm so ashamed. I can't believe I did this, I'm married for 8 years and have 2 beautiful kids, I have been so depressed the last 2 days about this. I have never done anything like this before or even been tempted. I know its hard to believe but I really do love my wife, I cant tell her as she'd be devestated.

I don't know what to do, I feel suicidal for the first time in my life. I wish I could go back 2 days and stop it from happening. I'm not making excuses for drinking but generally I only drink beer but I have been drinking Vodka to try and lose some weight and I know it didnt agree with me.

I told one of my closest friends yesterday and he said to just say nothing and let it pass.

I'm such an idiot.

LegacyUser · 17-01-2011 01:05PM

What advice are you looking for exactly? To receive forgiveness in a forum from anonymous posters? You cheated. You've essentially ruined your own life and if your family find out, their lives will be ruined too. You can't blame drink. You remember going there with this woman. You were capable of 'doing stuff' but you failed to stop yourself at any time, on the walk back to the hotel, the walk up the hall to the room... You can't love your wife. I love my wife and could never, ever do this no matter how much drink I had.

Drink doesn't "make you" do stuff. It just gives you courage to do what you already wanted to do deep down inside.

common sense brigade · 17-01-2011 01:28PM

Give up the vodka and the Beer. If you cant behave like a decent man with drink on you, quit drinking. Really change yourself and treat your wife with love and respect. If you so suicidal and sick over what you did, then give up the drink completely. You shouldnt be going out drinking if your incapable of acting with restraint in tempting situations. When people are really sorry about something they have done wrong, they make real changes to ensure they do not do it again.

Cheeky_gal · 17-01-2011 01:40PM

Usually I would NEVER give this advice but here it goes - Don't tell your wife.

The reason i say this is because it's clearly obvious from reading your post that you deeply regret it and will never do anything of the sort again however, with that said, give up alcohol completely or limit yourself to one or two to prevent the above happening again.

I completely disagree with the above poster who said "alcohol does not 'make you' do things". We've all done stuff under the influence which we're ashamed of, some people have done worse than others - in this case you cheated on your wife and children.

I'm definately not saying it's OK what you did, I'm merely saying that some people have an alcohol intolerence and you sound like on of these people.

LegacyUser · 17-01-2011 02:06PM

Thanks for your opinions, I'm not sure I was looking for advice, I just needed to write how I'm feeling. We've been with each other for nearly 20 years and nothing like this has happened before I have never even contemplated it. I'm not perfect, I made a mistake, I wish I could change it but I can't. All I can hope for is that she doesnt find out. I wasnt able to eat my lunch and couldnt sleep last night, I have tears in my eyes. I guess I just want to know how long will I feel like this for.

Just feel so guilty.

Miss Fluff · 17-01-2011 02:46PM

I think you being consumed with guilt is your "punishment" as it were. You'll always feel bad about it, but confessing all really isn't going to result in anything positive coming from this situation. For goodness' sake don't tell your wife, lay off the vodka as it evidently makes you go loopers, and endeavour not to ever get into that type of situation again. I'd also make damn sure your mate never repeats a word of this to anyone.....

argentum · 17-01-2011 02:47PM

Please dont tell your wife and feck up her life.Live with the guilt.get yourself tested if you need to and try and move on.
I would think more of the kids to be honest,your wife is an adult and you can talk to her but if you tell her your fecked, she could ask you to leave and split up and they would be destroyed.
Please give up drink if you cant handle it and dont get your self into that situation again

Ickle Magoo · 17-01-2011 02:49PM

Suchafool wrote: »

Thanks for your opinions, I'm not sure I was looking for advice, I just needed to write how I'm feeling.

This forum is for posters to post about issues and get advice so you'll probably be offered advice regardless. If you just need somewhere to write to sort your head out perhaps setting up a blog or something might help?

All the best.

Distorted · 17-01-2011 03:23PM

I feel sorry for the girl (did you tell her you were single?), your kids and your wife more than you. I bet you don't want to lose your wife - it would mean running the risk of losing your home, family and living in a rented room in a flat if she found out. I agree its best not to tell her but if you really don't want to mess up your life, don't put yourself into these situations where you can't resist temptation. Why were you at the party in the first place? Why did you drink so much?

Wagon · 17-01-2011 03:51PM

asgtsdg wrote: »

Drink doesn't "make you" do stuff. It just gives you courage to do what you already wanted to do deep down inside.

Yeah, completely true.

Normally I would say to tell the other person and let them decide what to do next. But this is more complicated than that. 20 years is a long time and there are kids involved so they have to be considered too. If you are genuinely remorseful about it, I reckon don't tell her. But if it happens again, then DO tell her because there's something not right then and you deserve everything that happens after that.

In the meantime, give up drinking or else stick to beer, something you are familiar with and can handle. Don't be boozing at all if you're on a diet. Don't put yourself in these situations and be very aware of what you are doing.

LegacyUser · 17-01-2011 05:05PM

Thanks for your input, the girl knew I was married. As I said I know the single cause of this was drinking a lot of vodka, I know this for certain, I was in such a state I could have been anyones. This has never happened to me before in all the years I have been drinking. It is totally out of character for me, as I said anybody can make a mistake once, today has been the worst day of my life, I really do feel like driving off the pier. I don't know what to do, I really feel like I have to tell my wife but I know I shouldnt.

I'm so useless

curlzy · 17-01-2011 05:30PM

Hey OP,

I'm glad you feel guilty, maybe feeling like a **** will stop you doing something so nasty again. Just wanted to point out that you didn't just cheat on your wife, for the sake of some fooling around you cheated on your children too. You've gambled their happy home, sense of security and family. Your actions are beyond dispicable. But like I say hopefully feeling crap will stop you doing something like this again. I personally don't believe the drink made you do this. I've done crazy things on drink, like seriously crazy things but I've never ever cheated no matter how drunk I've been because to me it's one of the filtiest, nastiest, most pathetic things you can do, so drink isn't an excuse. I wouldn't tell your wife unless this happens again. Why ruin her life and your kids life, never mind your own. You'll just have to live with your guilty conscience TBH you deserve to feel like crap. So suck it up and get on with it, hopefully it doesn't get back to her. If she somehow does find out then come clean immediately and maybe show her this thread but to be honest if she does find out I can't see it going well for you.

dub_3 · 17-01-2011 05:37PM

As others have said you need to control your drinking to prevent this happening again.

It does seem you completely misjudged your ability to handle spirits.

As for your dieting, yes there are less calories in a measure of spirits than in a pint, but you can drink the spirits a lot quicker. Two measures of spirits would be close to the calories in a pint. Then consider the calories in the mixer. There may be no gain at all.

Also if you're drinking on an empty stomach (cos you're dieting) the alcohol will be absorbed into your system quicker. i.e. you get drunk quicker.

So take care and make sure you don't put yourself in a position where you will loose control again and do something stupid.

LegacyUser · 17-01-2011 05:38PM

if you were as drunk as you make out, how exactly did you end up in a hotel with this girl? if you had the wherewithal to organise that, i think you need to stop putting so much blame on the vodka and start taking some responsibility...

Ickle Magoo · 17-01-2011 05:39PM

Suchafool wrote: »

Thanks for your input, the girl knew I was married. As I said I know the single cause of this was drinking a lot of vodka, I know this for certain, I was in such a state I could have been anyones. This has never happened to me before in all the years I have been drinking. It is totally out of character for me, as I said anybody can make a mistake once, today has been the worst day of my life, I really do feel like driving off the pier. I don't know what to do, I really feel like I have to tell my wife but I know I shouldnt.

I'm so useless

I beg to differ. The single cause was you - not vodka - and some personal responsibility would go a long way to helping your cause, OP. Blaming drink and then heaping on the auld self-pity really doesn't come across as the conscientious husband filled with remorse.

You have to have a long hard look at yourself and your marriage and work out why you were prepared to throw it all away for a quick fumble - and don't deflect responsibility into the bottom of a glass, you ingested the alcohol and then were coherent enough to get to a hotel room and indulge in some fooling around.

It's not a question of "shouldn't" tell your wife, perhaps you should - only you can make that decision - if you are truly sorry and committed to ensuring it doesn't happen again then there is nothing to be gained from telling your wife other than causing more misery and heartache and appeasing your guilty conscience.

Best of luck.

Floppybits · 17-01-2011 05:43PM

OP, do what your friend says and let it pass. Yes you feel terrible but that is your punishment for what you did. It would be more unfair to put your family through the upset that would happen if you told your wife. So this is yours to deal with and if you learn anything from it, you wont do it again.

Zen65 · 17-01-2011 06:55PM

Suchafool wrote: »

I don't know what to do, I feel suicidal for the first time in my life. I wish I could go back 2 days and stop it from happening. I'm not making excuses for drinking but generally I only drink beer but I have been drinking Vodka to try and lose some weight and I know it didnt agree with me.

Let's get the obvious out of the way first:

Suicide would hurt your wife and kids more than cheating, especially since the events after that party would certainly come out afterwards. You don't help anyone by thinking that way; it's just being selfish!

As for the incident itself, it is in the past and you cannot now change it. If cheating is not what you want to do then don't do it again, and for you that has to mean not putting yourself in the way of temptation i.e. not drinking any alcohol when you are away from your wife for any length of time, and not staying in the company of a woman who might tempt you. Don't delude yourself by thinking the vodka was at fault, as others have already rightly said. The problem is that somewhere in yourself there is a weakness, a doubt, a desire that you normally control when you are in the full of your senses. When you weaken that resolve with drink you can succumb to temptation.

Be a better husband. Set yourself a goal now that you will remind yourself each day why you do not want to cheat on your wife, and go further to ensure that each day you let your wife and kids know how important they are in your life, and how much you love them.

Don't do anything radical, all at once in that regard ..... you'll look like a guilty man.... but resolve to make it the norm that you tell your family how much you love them, by word or deed.

Tell yourself how important they are to you. Say those words to yourself every day and you will not err this way again.

Be at peace,

Z

ando · 17-01-2011 07:15PM

Suchafool wrote: »

as I said anybody can make a mistake once

No I don’t agree with that quote. I have been put into situations where I could have cheated but I didn’t, I had the strength to tell them where to go so no i dont agree with you on that. They are the exact words that came out of my ex's mouth a few weeks before she emotionally cheated on me...

I don’t understand how so many ppl are telling you to stay quiet. The wife has the right to know the truth and then to make up her own mind, but it’s your decision.

Distorted · 17-01-2011 08:18PM

See, I don't think you put yourself in the position of going out to parties without your wife and drinking so much that you claim to have lost your self control, without the idea that something might happen. I think going to a hotel with the girl is just taking things to their logical conclusion. But if you were my husband, I wouldn't be happy that you were going to parties and getting drunk at them in the first place. I'm not saying you have to live in each other's pockets, but going to parties and getting drunk (and no doubt flirting with women) are the actions of a single man, not a married man with kids.

seenitall · 17-01-2011 08:53PM

If I were in the position of your wife, OP, I'd damn well want to know what you've been up to behind my back. So I think the most honest and respectful thing to do would be to tell her. However, I am quite sure that that is the one thing you will not do, as that would require courage and integrity, and those things are in short supply when self-pity and avoiding responsibility ("drink made me do it") are the order of the day.

Sorry, OP, but everything you have written on here so far indicates to me that you are on the slippery slope of repeating your "one mistake". People who successfully cheat stay quiet about it and blame it on external factors, so you're already on that path mentally.

I don't like thinking of your wife any more than you do at the moment. Poor woman.

17-01-2011 11:49PM

OP wallowing in self pity and blaming the drink is not fooling anyone. Come clean to your wife now. Moping about like an angsty teenager is not your "punishment". The only thing you could do that would even remotely convince me, personally speaking, that you mean what you said and that you're better off not telling your wife is to never drink again.

Frankly, I think you should tell her AND tell her you won't touch a drop again. Show her you mean it, otherwise it's empty words and avoiding responsibility.

Wagon · 17-01-2011 11:59PM

seenitall wrote: »

If I were in the position of your wife, OP, I'd damn well want to know what you've been up to behind my back. So I think the most honest and respectful thing to do would be to tell her. However, I am quite sure that that is the one thing you will not do, as that would require courage and integrity, and those things are in short supply when self-pity and avoiding responsibility ("drink made me do it") are the order of the day.

Sorry, OP, but everything you have written on here so far indicates to me that you are on the slippery slope of repeating your "one mistake". People who successfully cheat stay quiet about it and blame it on external factors, so you're already on that path mentally.

I don't like thinking of your wife any more than you do at the moment. Poor woman.

Yeah me too. But there is kids involved which really complicates matters. Then she could get a divorce (understandably) and then the kids would have to go through that as well. Other than that, the right thing to do would be to tell her.

As a matter of interest OP, how old are your children?

FilthyMickey · 18-01-2011 01:49AM

Dont tell her mate whatever you do, nothing good will come of it. Even if she says she forgives you, she wont and it will eventually ruin your marriage. You have the power to move on, forget about it and just dont do it again.
To be honest I have done loads of things that I would never do while sober. Its a fact that alcohol lowers inhibitions.
Whatever other people say how good they are about not cheating when they had the chance, good for them but dont let them give you a worse guilty conscience than you already have.
People talk themselves up a lot for being holyer than thou, take it with a pinch of salt.
You made a mistake, you feel guilt about it, it will pass. It will pass even quciker if you make her life better and your kids by being extra nice and responsible to your family.
People make mistakes, we all do in one way or another, thats what makes us human but its how we learn from them is what makes us a better person.

Virgil° · 18-01-2011 02:17AM

I'd be in fairly the same boat as Wagon. id be the first one to say normally that the offender should fess up. Once you cheat the decision to maintain the relationship no longer morally lays in your territory. The whole "use the guilt as your form of punishment, it'll only make things worse, its selfish, don't ease your own conscience" blahdeblah bullschit! Complete cop out.
The only reason to my mind that you shouldn't tell her is because there are kids involved and they too will suffer the consequences.
So as zen said, look to genuinely better yourself bit by bit. Not all at once because it'll be obvious. Don't for a second blame the alcohol. You did this.
And just try to bear it and get past it for the sake of your family.

ando · 18-01-2011 02:26AM

FilthyMickey wrote: »

To be honest I have done loads of things that I would never do while sober. Its a fact that alcohol lowers inhibitions.
Whatever other people say how good they are about not cheating when they had the chance, good for them but dont let them give you a worse guilty conscience than you already have.
People talk themselves up a lot for being holyer than thou, take it with a pinch of salt.

Pinch of salt.. I’m sorry but have you ever been cheated on? It sounds like from that post that you have been the one doing the cheating. Do you know how it feels to be on the receiving end of it? I’m not talking myself up by being "holyer than thou", it’s just that I’ve never cheated. I have been tempted and have had the opportunity but I’m not that kind of person. I’m not trying to big myself up, its just who I am. I have respect for who I am with till the end, unfortunately some people don't and just stab us saps in the back, and I don’t feel any sympathy for any of them. In this case there are kids involved which I feel sorry for. I just don’t understand how ppl can cheat, never will

Hank Scorpio · 18-01-2011 06:15AM

asgtsdg wrote: »

Drink doesn't "make you" do stuff. It just gives you courage to do what you already wanted to do deep down inside.

Agree with first part of your post, but not with the above.

OP give it a few days and the dirty, sleeplessness guilt will disspear, its all steming from the drink

LegacyUser · 18-01-2011 09:25AM

OP, how can you be so sure that your wife won't find out about it anyway from someone else? I'm sure someone saw you leave the party? I'm sure it's possible people saw you walking to the hotel, or someone you or your wife know may work in the hotel. There are many ways that you probably never thought about which may allow your wife to find out about this. I disagree with everyone telling you not to tell her. She deserves to know what she married that could betray the trust of her and her children so much.

Why were you at a party on your own and staying away overnight anyway? Unusual behaviour for a married man.

RoisinDove · 18-01-2011 10:09AM

FilthyMickey wrote: »

Dont tell her mate whatever you do, nothing good will come of it. Even if she says she forgives you, she wont and it will eventually ruin your marriage. You have the power to move on, forget about it and just dont do it again.
To be honest I have done loads of things that I would never do while sober. Its a fact that alcohol lowers inhibitions.
Whatever other people say how good they are about not cheating when they had the chance, good for them but dont let them give you a worse guilty conscience than you already have.
People talk themselves up a lot for being holyer than thou, take it with a pinch of salt.
You made a mistake, you feel guilt about it, it will pass. It will pass even quciker if you make her life better and your kids by being extra nice and responsible to your family.
People make mistakes, we all do in one way or another, thats what makes us human but its how we learn from them is what makes us a better person.

Holier than thou? You're just another one of those people who trivialises cheating as if it were a traffic violation or keeping a five euro note you found on the street. The OP took marriage vows, he promised to be faithful and he completely broke that promise! It's more than a little mistake. Saying 'oh I'll learn from it and never do it again' is the coward's way out. He says he feels bad but in my experience people like this really don't. They feel guilty for a week, then they justify it to themselves and make excuses for it. OP is already doing this! The right thing to do is to tell the wife and let her decide what to do.

LegacyUser · 18-01-2011 10:55AM

You can think what you want of me but I can't agree that you dont make mistakes and drink doesnt affect your inhibitions, I genuinely feel like I had no control over what I was doing at the time. I know I'm generally a good person, husband and father and I know my wife knows that too and I would be reasonably confident she'd forgive me, if I told her but I also wouldnt like to hurt her anymore so I'll say nothing. I agree with most of the things you are saying, I will not put myself in this position ever again. I have learnt from this and it wont happen again.

18-01-2011 11:10AM

Suchafool wrote: »

I would be reasonably confident she'd forgive me, if I told her

So tell her.

but I also wouldnt like to hurt her anymore so I'll say nothing.

Lying and deceit is hurting her. It's just not hurting you, which I suspect is what you are more concerned about especially as you said she might forgive you.

I have learnt from this and it wont happen again.

Is this supposed to reassure anyone? It shouldn't have happened in the first place.

GoldenTickets · 18-01-2011 12:24PM

Suchafool wrote: »

but I also wouldnt like to hurt her anymore so I'll say nothing.

Wow, how considerate of you!

This is a pathetic atttempt to excuse not coming clean and it will fool nobody but you.

God I hope your wife finds out about this from someone else.

Cheated

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