Is this guy a commitment phobe?

LegacyUser · 05-01-2011 04:11PM #1

Going unreg for this, but I'm a regular poster.

Have had an issue with a hot and cold guy for some time now. Its been horribly fustrating, were sort of seeing each other before summer and then come autumn, it was if that status was demoted and it became a hook up scenario where random texting and talking occurs and hookup. The thing is the conversations are great, electrically charged as in theres always things to chat about and theres always comfort in each others presence. this isnt due to me, I have tried to bring it to a progressive level, but this guy is highly complicated and hot one day, cold the next, dismissive when I get upset about this and full of excuses. For example he will text me, I reply, but if I ever text, he may not reply or else one text and then stop replying even though he asked a question, that really fustrates me. I know people will say, move on, dump him, yada yada, but when you love someone its not that simple. Its quite hard. And I dont have self esteem issues by any means, but yes Ive fallen for this guy and it hurts terribly, I want a steady relationship with him at this stage. this has been ongoing for months now. We went out in town recently and he seemed very couple like with me, arm over shoulder, hands in public, watching me at the bar when I was buying drink and attentive to whom I was talking to.

my question is, I know this guy was badly burnt by an ex a number of years ago, she dumped him out of the blue and he loved her. He was apparently messed up by her actions. can this reflect on a guys attitude towards future relationships and commitment or am I grasping straws. I am by no means dillusioned, but Ive never been comfortable with casual relationships since I can remember and frankly Im at my wits end.

LegacyUser · 05-01-2011 05:17PM

I cant even call it a relationship, sunflower, the guy blows hot and cold so much, that seeing him is pretty much random and seems to be on his terms too. It really gets me down!!! Im not a perfect person by any means, but I am decent. Maybe Im over reacting, because I havent refused to see him anymore if things dont progress however he just comes back with the usual, you mean more to me than that crap, but obviously I dont. And yet he radomly texts me things that are funny, or things that happened during his day, he wasnt hiding the fact that we are more than friends when we went out in town one night, so I dont know. Its breaking my heart really.

Nevyn · 05-01-2011 05:28PM

If you are unhappy and the relationship is not meeting your needs then you have to put you first. Better to be happy and single then in half a relationship and be unhappy.

Milkmaid · 05-01-2011 05:30PM

Hi wantingmore, like the other poster said I wouldn't judge a relationship by txts.
To me if you are having a real relationship then you would be meeting up regularly, doing things (not just sex) and actually talking on the phone...texting to me is ok for things like "on my way, see you in 2mins" or for flirting/sexting that's all.
If you just talk via texts in between hooking up that is not a good sign IMO..unless you see each other quite a bit every week.
I also think that some men just are one or two word texters..it depends on the person.
I can quite happily leave my phone off for hours, I am just not into mobiles at all.
I think you should look at how he treats you rather than his texts..does he make regular dates and does he remain intimate by talking to you in between dates.
I have gone out with people who were happy to just text and in my experience they weren't looking for anything serious..when he is into you , you know it.
I am very straight up and I am not afraid to say that I am looking for something more than casual, and if he isn't then I say that I can't be exclusive to him....and that is just looking after me . I don't do that hot/cold crap as it is just headwrecking....I have seen guys do that to girls and the girl thinks it's a relationship when it isn't , just a sort of imaginary relationship.
You could just state what you are looking for to him....that is nothing to be ashamed off. If he doesn't then he can't have you all to himself..and I wouldn't be long in saying this to him in a calm manner.

LegacyUser · 05-01-2011 05:37PM

Milkmaid wrote: »

Hi wantingmore, like the other poster said I wouldn't judge a relationship by txts.
To me if you are having a real relationship then you would be meeting up regularly, doing things (not just sex) and actually talking on the phone...texting to me is ok for things like "on my way, see you in 2mins" or for flirting/sexting that's all.
If you just talk via texts in between hooking up that is not a good sign IMO..unless you see each other quite a bit every week.
I also think that some men just are one or two word texters..it depends on the person.
I can quite happily leave my phone off for hours, I am just not into mobiles at all.
I think you should look at how he treats you rather than his texts..does he make regular dates and does he remain intimate by talking to you in between dates.
I have gone out with people who were happy to just text and in my experience they weren't looking for anything serious..when he is into you , you know it.
I am very straight up and I am not afraid to say that I am looking for something more than casual, and if he isn't then I say that I can't be exclusive to him....and that is just looking after me . I don't do that hot/cold crap as it is just headwrecking....I have seen guys do that to girls and the girl thinks it's a relationship when it isn't , just a sort of imaginary relationship.
You could just state what you are looking for to him....that is nothing to be ashamed off. If he doesn't then he can't have you all to himself..and I wouldn't be long in saying this to him in a calm manner.

thank you, I know you are right, its just my heart that I cant convince to do this and I know why, because Im afraid he'll agree with me and walk away, which is riddiculous because what am I actually losing that I already dont have in that case. I want a relationship not a hook up. I plan to tell him this the next time we talk. How I say it is another question.

jdivision · 05-01-2011 05:43PM

He's just not that into you unfortunately and you should move on. I've just had to do the same thing for the same reasons you've outlined - 10 months this has gone on and I am absolutely in love with her but it's just not worth the pain of allowing it drag on.

Milkmaid · 05-01-2011 07:20PM

Hi OP, I have had to this in the past and he did a complete 180 and wanted a serious thing.....I was just undramatic about it, very calm and said if he didn't want something serious then I would date others as well as him...I told him I really liked him but wasn't prepared to put all my eggs in one basket if he didn't want a serious thing, he really got a shock but he told me months later that he found my confidence attractive.;)
I didn't give an ultimatum I just laid my cards out in a clam way and stressed that I really liked him but wanted to be honest in a grown-up way.
I amazed how his attitude changed completely....and if it hadn't well I would have been seeing other men and kept my options open.

Mr. Loverman · 05-01-2011 08:23PM

I'm going to take a guess and say you're not the only woman in his life.

LegacyUser · 05-01-2011 11:37PM

He's testing you, maybe subconsciously, maybe purposely. His ex left him out of the blue, so he prob feels his antennae for sussing a person in love with him are totally askew.
It's likely he's falling for you, but just doesn't trust himself enough to trust you with his feelings. Hence the hot and cold; he takes a chance, thinks again, then retreats again...so that he doesn't feel like you're the one with the power.
You telling him that you're leaving (without communicating properly with him as to why) will only reinforce his self-doubt, and he's unlikely to fight for you.
However, have a chat, say you're enjoying what you have& you'd like to see it progress, but you find him a bit hard to read in terms of what he feels about it all. Then let him do the talking. Good luck!

HellFireClub · 06-01-2011 01:27AM

wantingmore wrote: »

Going unreg for this, but I'm a regular poster.

Have had an issue with a hot and cold guy for some time now. Its been horribly fustrating, were sort of seeing each other before summer and then come autumn, it was if that status was demoted and it became a hook up scenario where random texting and talking occurs and hookup. The thing is the conversations are great, electrically charged as in theres always things to chat about and theres always comfort in each others presence. this isnt due to me, I have tried to bring it to a progressive level, but this guy is highly complicated and hot one day, cold the next, dismissive when I get upset about this and full of excuses. For example he will text me, I reply, but if I ever text, he may not reply or else one text and then stop replying even though he asked a question, that really fustrates me. I know people will say, move on, dump him, yada yada, but when you love someone its not that simple. Its quite hard. And I dont have self esteem issues by any means, but yes Ive fallen for this guy and it hurts terribly, I want a steady relationship with him at this stage. this has been ongoing for months now. We went out in town recently and he seemed very couple like with me, arm over shoulder, hands in public, watching me at the bar when I was buying drink and attentive to whom I was talking to.

my question is, I know this guy was badly burnt by an ex a number of years ago, she dumped him out of the blue and he loved her. He was apparently messed up by her actions. can this reflect on a guys attitude towards future relationships and commitment or am I grasping straws. I am by no means dillusioned, but Ive never been comfortable with casual relationships since I can remember and frankly Im at my wits end.

Seriously that sounds like me you ran into... There are probably dozens of things that could be going through that guys head, and the actual issue at the fore of it all could be a particular combination of any of those things.

I think if you were right for each other and it was meant to be, I think it's fair to say that it would be simple enough and not the hard work and heartbreak that it sounds like here...

Emme · 06-01-2011 11:06AM

Don't let the guy use his previous issues with his ex as an excuse. IMHO he's in a situation where he can have his cake and eat it, ie behave like a single man but have you on standby for a bit of action. If you're don't intend to put an end to it soon you should. This guy doesn't want a relationship.

Miss Fluff · 06-01-2011 01:50PM

I don't think he wants a relationship with you OP. Not committing to you formally and not agreeing to be exclusive gives him carte blanche to have as many women on the go as he pleases. A few years ago I wasted about a year on a guy who was exactly like the guy you describe. Turns out about six months into us "seeing" each other he acquired himself a girlfriend :eek: I wouldn't bother with any heart-wrenching pleas or dramatics (and you don't sound like that type of girl), I'd merely step out of his life. Stop instigating contact, stop being so so available to him - you hit the nail on the head when you said everything is on his terms, and do your best to move on.

If he really truly cares for you and wants a relationship with you then you will soon know about it.

I know this is an awful situation but you will be allowing yourself to take control of this situation once and for all and act on YOUR terms.

Hope it works out for you.

Distorted · 06-01-2011 03:07PM

I bet he was exactly the same with this ex-girlfriend that left him "out of the blue". Honestly, his behaviour sounds as if it cannot do anything but upset you - treating you like a girlfriend when you are together but not admitting to a relationship and "rationing" his seeing of you. So you probably see an ideolised version of him when you are together and put more importance on seeing him because you are restricted by him in doing so. I would also agree with Mr Loverman that you are not the only woman he is seeing.

It sounds as if he quite likes you but is casting around to find someone else he might like more.

Honestly, the best thing is stop seeing him, say for example, 4 weeks, and see if you feel any better. If he suggests meeting up, make a polite excuse. If he texts you, reply back politely, but quite short and perhaps a day later. My friend did this when the guy who was treating her like this asked her out on a date - she turned him down, and he was quick to realise his mistake and run after her again, and they are now very much together. But he was very young (23) and obviously realised his mistake after leaving uni. If this guy is older, I wouldn't hold out too much hope. You can do better.

LegacyUser · 09-01-2011 04:05PM

OP here.

Well a few nights ago got the better of me. I was out and drinking and I decided to make my case here and there and texted to him that I couldnt carry on this type of random casual relationship and that I would have liked a shot with him with something real. The end result was the next morning, me feeling stupid for drunk texting and so I sent a text saying, would he like to meet up for a talk or else if he felt there was nothing to say as he only wanted a casual thing, I would go on my way.

Anyway, to his credit he replied. Not what I wanted though. He said "I do like you, as you know, but he couldnt give me what I want as he just doesnt want a relationship. and that it wasnt to do with me."

I said. "thats grand and wished him the best," and that was that.

Im heartbroken. I dont know whether he truly liked me, I'll miss our conversations terribly and so on, this has been ongoing for so long, its so hard to let go.

I know people will say move on now, its over, But I wonder will he actually miss me. I know he had fun with me on a personal level too, talking wise and intelectually, we clashed good humourously always teasing and so on. I just wonder and I know I shouldnt hope, but would be a chance if I do move on, and give this man space away from me. He might miss me. Ive never been a clingy woman anyway. So its not like Ive ever hounded him day and night.
he would have continued on the way we were if I hadnt said a thing, I feel ive left with some dignity and Ive showed I do care for him. I dont know will that stand to me though

Distorted · 09-01-2011 07:25PM

Well its going to feel raw at first but as you get used to it, you will grow to prefer life without him no doubt. As long as you don't give in and see him again. Its not as if you wanted what he was offering. You wanted more, he didn't want to provide it. He couldn't compromise on you wanted, and you couldn't compromise on what he wanted.

I think you are right in thinking the only small chance there might be is if you leave him completely alone and maybe he will realise in time himself that he more than likes you, and change his mind. You cannot change it for him. There is the risk of him meeting someone else, but that risk was just as great as when you were hooking up, so you no worse of. In fact you are better off, because you have made him realise you are not prepared to be used as a hook up and nothing else.

How old is he? Do you ever think what he will be like in 10 years time, if he is still the same way (which he is quite likely to be)? Perhaps not such an attractive proposition!

LegacyUser · 09-01-2011 07:43PM

Distorted wrote: »

Well its going to feel raw at first but as you get used to it, you will grow to prefer life without him no doubt. As long as you don't give in and see him again. Its not as if you wanted what he was offering. You wanted more, he didn't want to provide it. He couldn't compromise on you wanted, and you couldn't compromise on what he wanted.

I think you are right in thinking the only small chance there might be is if you leave him completely alone and maybe he will realise in time himself that he more than likes you, and change his mind. You cannot change it for him. There is the risk of him meeting someone else, but that risk was just as great as when you were hooking up, so you no worse of. In fact you are better off, because you have made him realise you are not prepared to be used as a hook up and nothing else.

How old is he? Do you ever think what he will be like in 10 years time, if he is still the same way (which he is quite likely to be)? Perhaps not such an attractive proposition!

He's 24, Distorted. Well, I find it very hard now. It hurts like crazy. You are right, Im no worse off, only I will miss him. His company and the good times we had. however I wont miss the hollow feeling leaving his house the next day knowing nothing had changed.

do guys change, do they regret. Im no angel, but I know he had to like me. or was he just being kind and sparing my feelings. maybe thats the case

LegacyUser · 03-02-2011 10:49PM

OP here again. Firstly I cant believe Im asking for advice again for this. If I were giving my advice to someone else with this problem Id say move on, but since its happened to me, I now understand how hard it is to apply it to yourself.

Basically after me telling that Id like the casual relationship to be something real or else Id really have to leave as I couldnt take being nothing more to him than that. I ended it, no contact at all. As in I never texted him, went offline when he was on fb and basically continued on with my life even though I was devestated after almost a year with this guy. 2 weeks after it ended however, I logged on facebook, and what do you know, he pops up randomly during the night. Not drunk messaging, simply asking how was I?

I couldnt believe it, generally the relationship question makes these type of guys run for the hills and never come back since they know whats expected, but again, Im shocked. second time he's come back. Now we only basically said a few words, he did his usual act of disappearing offline and so on. He had been like that from the start,

I caved the next day and when I saw him online, I talked to him, he seemed grand, we talked for a bit. and he had to go, so I said bye and so on. I was annoyed at myself for caving.
However the next night, he pops up again just random talk about work he was doing, again so reminiscent of how things were, we'd talk about normal things, I admit I was secretly happy, I had missed him so much.

two days later I brought up chat again, asking about the work he was telling me about. He was grand, he even seemed to enjoy the convo with a few jokes in between. But that was that. and he hasnt at all texted me.

I know Im probably over looking things, but firstly the notion that he wants to be friends cant be there. Because we were never friends as of such when we started seeing each other, we went straight into a initimate relationship, as in I didnt know him before this. Secondly, with all the drama and such, I just dont understand why he contacted me again, was he bored, is he easing his way back in? I really dont know. I just miss him terribly and although I know there are huge issues with this guy commitment wise, the horrible thing is, if that one issue could be rectified, he'd be the guy for me. But I know you cant change people either, thats why I ended the casual relationship.

One other issue is that my ex bf recently got back in touch with me, not romantically, just patching things up and making amends, he added me on fb and this guy would have known who my ex was, possibly he noticed this and maybe his ego was bruised I dont know. But othewise then I feel its completely selfish of this guy to contact me again, when he knows how I feel about him and then to start the hot cold crap again.

Can anyone, particularly male boardee's enlighten me on this. Im actually at my wits end, I feel like Ive gone from being a strong young woman to wondering what Im doing with this man. I do love him. I know people will come along and say, get over it, and so on. Or thats not love. But I also dont think love is perfect. I appreciate anyones advice on this recent event as Im crestfallen at this stage.

beks101 · 04-02-2011 08:04AM

OP: it shouldn't be this hard.

To be blunt, this guy has turned you into an insecure mess, questioning everything, questioning yourself, trying to justify what is blatant disrespectful and player behaviour for any number of reasons and clinging onto his every word/text/fb message because 'love isn't perfect.' I don't think this is who you are and I think you know that you're doing yourself a serious disservice by clinging onto any shred of contact with him in the hope that it means more than it actually does.

He's either bored, horny, or looking for an ego boost by chatting to you, but in fairness this guy has already spelled out the fact that he doesn't want a relationship with you and if that changed, there wouldn't be any doubt in your mind about it.

You said 'if this one issue was rectified, he'd be the guy for me'...well OP it's a pretty big issue that seems to always have stood between the two of you and it's a bit naive to think that it could ever suddenly disappear after all this time. It's sort of defined your relationship with him so far. Was there ever a time with this guy when you knew where you stood and felt confident, happy, comfortable, trusting and secure?

If you don't nip this in the bud, you run the risk of wasting a lot of time and energy on this guy and missing opportunity after opportunity with other guys who will actually appreciate your company, respect you and not string you along, feeding you scraps of attention every so often for his own personal amusement. Delete his number and delete him from facebook. Remove the temptation to contact him and read back over your last post any time you begin to think that you could ever be happy with this guy. YOU CAN'T.

gerryk · 04-02-2011 09:51AM

Emme wrote: »

Don't let the guy use his previous issues with his ex as an excuse. IMHO he's in a situation where he can have his cake and eat it, ie behave like a single man but have you on standby for a bit of action. If you're don't intend to put an end to it soon you should. This guy doesn't want a relationship.

This.

He's not 'complicated' or 'guarded' or 'testing the water', he has all the upsides of having a relationship with none of the commitment, why would he change, unless he is given a reason to.

LegacyUser · 04-02-2011 12:32PM

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hi OP

i somewhat cringed when I read my earlier post on this thread because at the time I was seeing a guy but was dumped a few days later Since then I have looked into commitment phobia and believe me it is a real fear and a real problem.

Now in saying that, just because a guy wont commit doesn't make him a commitment phobe, but a man (in my case 46 never married) who actually runs from a relationship when things are good out of fear is only ever going to cause you heartache.

These men want all the trappings of a committed relationship, they admire it in their friends, but they can't ever follow through.

I bought a book called men Who Cant Love. It was first wrote in 1987 and has become an international bestseller. There are signs a man is a CP (my ex ticked 26/40 boxes and their was about 5/6 he didnt tick purely because he had never married ) Man, I had a good one

Reading the book helped me get my head around the train wreck that is a relationship with a CP man. As the author says, it will drive the sanest of women totally mad trying to work out what the hell happened.

It's not about you, and it wont be about the next girl he treats this way (if he does have commitment issues). It is their problem.

At 26 your fella may just be wanting to play the field, but I have no doubt what I was dealing with.

It is 3 weeks or so no contact for me (don't remember actual day) and I am so much stronger and happier to be free of the 'what is going on?' b*llsh*t that became part and parcel of a relationship with a commitment phobe.

You cant change him hon, stick to your no contact - i mean total no contact and build yourself up again. He aint worth it

Sorry, that was a bit long

thanks for the advice, Sunflower, Im just shocked he's come back AGAIN!! I mean it was an emotional train wreck the last time, me basically telling him what I wanted and and then his riddiculous text of "I like you, dont want a relationship tho, not you, stuff," which is grand, except going back nine months, its a long time to be with someone but not going anywhere. Its is my fault partly, I held on to this guy, accepting many things that should not have been tolerated. However, Im flabbergasted to why he has contacted me again. I should add I havent met up with him, he hasnt texted me or asked me to meet up. I dont know what he's at though. Hasnt he had enough too. He knows Im not the casual type, and he knows I like him. I just dont know what he's playing at.

LegacyUser · 04-02-2011 12:45PM

He doesnt dislike you as a person. And probably enjoys chatting to you, hence the conversations on facebook. But he's made his position absolutely career. LISTEN to him.

You are reading far too much into something that isnt there. Its completely wishful thinking.

I've been there too, and a year on, he still sends the odd text and sends the odd email. I'm fond of him but he made his position clear, and I moved on and am happily with someone who's not a commitment phobe now. I ceased all contact for several months though.

I think you need to defriend your chap on facebook and create some distance for a while. There are fellows out there who want a relationship. Hard to find I know, but they're there, and you wont find them while you're hung up on this fellow.

Distorted · 04-02-2011 12:54PM

He's doing it for the attention, because it makes him feel good and probably because he doesn't have that much action going on his life at present. You are a safe bet, you have laid your cards on the table and he knows you like him, so he can get the flattery of you responding to him and knowing that you still hold a candle for him. You have your answer from him, its not changed. He will continue to string you along if you let him. You have done in the past, he has no reason to assume that you will not do so again, if you respond positively to him. I don't think he is such a nice guy as you probably think he is.

LegacyUser · 04-02-2011 02:17PM

sunflower27 wrote: »

OP, God I'm good...

Have a read of the customer reviews...

http://www.amazon.com/Men-Cant-Love-Steven-Carter/dp/0425111709

You'll soon know if he is a CP or not.

Thanks, Sunflower!!!

I'll definately order the book.

I know everyone is right here. And in relation to another poster, Im sure yes he likes talking to me. But I also think maybe the guy has issues other than this too, I mean in my own case if I ended with someone because I didnt want a relationship with them, I would never get in contact again, as I wouldnt want to make them hope, and I dont think the guy even has the intention of having me on the side, as he hasnt initiated to meet up. He also is very busy, with work and other activites I know off, so it cant be a boredom thing either.

I know naturally Im looking for a reason for him to still want me. But I just feel a lot of this doesnt add up.

Miss Fluff · 04-02-2011 03:29PM

OP I'm going to be cruel to be kind here. He's not interested in having a relationship of any sort with you because he told you that. He couldn't have been clearer. Getting in touch on Facebook chat doesn't "mean" anything bar him a. feeling horny, b. testing the water, c. getting an ego boost or d. was bored.

I've no doubt he liked your company, enjoyed conversations with you and there was chemistry/great sex but he only wants a f8ck buddy whom he can have a laugh with so trying to read into what all of this "means" is futile and damaging.

Defriend him off your Facebook and move on. There's no point hanging about in the hope that he'll come to the realisation he suddenly loves you. He may or may not but popping up on Facebook Chat is only fuelling his ego.

Stop wasting your time. Cut contact.

Chucky the tree · 04-02-2011 03:48PM

Loving the standard men hating replies. There's lots of reasons he could have contacted you. You were seeing each other for a while so I'm sure he grew very fond of you. He could well just be getting in touch to see how you are as he is geniuely concerned. But obviously that's unlikely because he's a man so he's probably only interested in getting in touch so he can have sex with you or stroke his own ego. :rolleyes:

OP if you can't even have a chat on FB without it torturing yourself then simply tell him that you don't want to contact you ever again and delete him from FB.

LegacyUser · 04-02-2011 04:06PM

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Loving the standard men hating replies. There's lots of reasons he could have contacted you. You were seeing each other for a while so I'm sure he grew very fond of you. He could well just be getting in touch to see how you are as he is geniuely concerned. But obviously that's unlikely because he's a man so he's probably only interested in getting in touch so he can have sex with you or stroke his own ego. :rolleyes:

OP if you can't even have a chat on FB without it torturing yourself then simply tell him that you don't want to contact you ever again and delete him from FB.

Well I'm not looking for any man hating replies, Chucky, lol. Just advice, but in defence of all the posters here many of whom are long term boardee's here. Everything they have said so far stands to reason, and is quite true.

In relation to your post, he hasnt asked me to meet up or anything for sex. The horrible thing is I feel if I delete him, I'll sever that last link I have with him, which I know I must do, thats the point. But I just cant. Its truly a horrible situation. And I can assure everyone I dont have self esteem issues, Im happy in myself, confident, have a good social life, but my god this man hit me harder emotionally than anyone else before. Its unbelievable. Maybe time will solve everything, hopefully. Its bizarre knowing someone is not good for you, and despite all the evidence before you, you cant rid yourself of hoping. its the only way I can describe it right now.

midlandsmissus · 04-02-2011 05:36PM

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Loving the standard men hating replies. There's lots of reasons he could have contacted you. You were seeing each other for a while so I'm sure he grew very fond of you. He could well just be getting in touch to see how you are as he is geniuely concerned. But obviously that's unlikely because he's a man so he's probably only interested in getting in touch so he can have sex with you or stroke his own ego. :rolleyes:

OP if you can't even have a chat on FB without it torturing yourself then simply tell him that you don't want to contact you ever again and delete him from FB.

yeah I don't know if I agree with the other posters.

I know if I broke off something casual with some-one that I had no feelings whatsoever for anymore I wouldn't contact them on Facebook.

Why would you want an ego boost from some-one you have no interest in?

I think you have to have liked ther person and maybe still like them to get in contact with in this situation. However , DON'T initiate contact, let him contact you again.

You only tect/email/facebook some-one from the ps

LegacyUser · 04-02-2011 05:50PM

been there, done that!!

he is in touch because he does like you, you were easy to get along with, you had good sex, etc etc etc.

however he is not willing to make the effort that is required in a real relationship. thats the problem. you could keep answering his messages, prob meet up for drinks some night, have great fun, get along really well, you may even think everything is different this time. BUT after a few weeks, months you will once again want to know where you stand, this is your right, he will tell you the exact same as he did last time, he likes you but doesnt want a relationship etc etc.

he is happy to have you around when everything is easy, as soon as you ask him something he finds difficult, he will be gone. he will push you away again. you will be heartbroken because once again you will not understand how someone you get on with so well cannot just make that last little jump and try properly.

trust me, i know! been there, for well over a year. doing no contact now and sticking to it.
dont make excuses for him. if he wanted something badly enough he would do it, we all would, no matter how scared we are.

for your sanity dont let this guy into your head again!!!

LegacyUser · 04-02-2011 05:57PM

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Loving the standard men hating replies. There's lots of reasons he could have contacted you. You were seeing each other for a while so I'm sure he grew very fond of you. He could well just be getting in touch to see how you are as he is geniuely concerned. But obviously that's unlikely because he's a man so he's probably only interested in getting in touch so he can have sex with you or stroke his own ego. :rolleyes:

OP if you can't even have a chat on FB without it torturing yourself then simply tell him that you don't want to contact you ever again and delete him from FB.

Jes they werent all man hating posts at all. I'd agree with you fwiw.

I've been on the giving and receiving end of this. If someone is shagging someone, they probably have an interest in them and how they're getting on. Doesnt mean they want to go out with them though.

Ickle Magoo · 04-02-2011 06:38PM

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Loving the standard men hating replies.

As per the forum charter, if you have an issue with a post or poster then use the report function rather than dragging the thread off-topic by throwing around deliberately inflammatory statements.

MissOphelia · 04-02-2011 06:58PM

metoometoo!!! wrote: »

been there, done that!!

he is in touch because he does like you, you were easy to get along with, you had good sex, etc etc etc.

however he is not willing to make the effort that is required in a real relationship. thats the problem. you could keep answering his messages, prob meet up for drinks some night, have great fun, get along really well, you may even think everything is different this time. BUT after a few weeks, months you will once again want to know where you stand, this is your right, he will tell you the exact same as he did last time, he likes you but doesnt want a relationship etc etc.

he is happy to have you around when everything is easy, as soon as you ask him something he finds difficult, he will be gone. he will push you away again. you will be heartbroken because once again you will not understand how someone you get on with so well cannot just make that last little jump and try properly.

trust me, i know! been there, for well over a year. doing no contact now and sticking to it.
dont make excuses for him. if he wanted something badly enough he would do it, we all would, no matter how scared we are.

for your sanity dont let this guy into your head again!!!

Please read this carefully OP it sums up what seems to have been happening and what will happen if you fall for his charm again. Tough as it is to admit to ourselves there are men who are just not that into us..not on the level we want them to be anyway.

I've had similar experiences in the past where boyfriends wanted all the 'nice' stuff but just couldn't make that 'friendship with sex' into a proper committed relationship. My advice would be to cut contact (hard as it is) before you waste any more time on this 'friendship'.

freakmagnet · 04-02-2011 07:30PM

Ridiculous over analyzing and sexism on this thread. He wasn't interested in a relationship. He had fun and enjoyed your company in a more informal relationship - which there isnt' anything wrong with. You wanted more. He didn't. When you gave him an ultimatum, he told you he wasn't interested. The man has done no wrong. His only wrong seems to be that he didn't like you as much as you liked him. You see him on FB a few months later, you are two human beings that spent some together - why wouldn't he chat to you? This is your issue, not his. The fact that people on this thread are making him out to be some sort of evil man that lead someone on out of malice or had some hurtful purpose in his actions is absolute and utter absurdity.

He doesn't owe you anything and never did. He wasn't that into you - while it would have been nice for you if he was, the fact is, he wasn't, and that is that. For posters to find some malice in his actions, or twist the facts mentioned in the OP (i.e to suggest that he was dumped for something similar in the past, even though there is no evidence to support his, and indeed, the OP's post suggests the contrary) borders on the ridiculousness. Also, the mans age has nothing to do with it. He told the OP straight out he wasn't interested when she asked. If he hadn't done that, that would surely be the very thing that everybody pinpointed "oh and he hasn't the guts to tell you, how awful" yada yada - well, he did, and still gets shot for it - and to top it off it appears to be a sin to harmlessly catch up on FB months after.

There is no one at fault here. Rather, two people had two different ideas on how they wanted to pan out. That's certainly not his fault, never was and never will be. People should save their attacks for those who deseve it - like someone who actually led the OP on.

LegacyUser · 04-02-2011 07:49PM

freakmagnet wrote: »

Ridiculous over analyzing and sexism on this thread. He wasn't interested in a relationship. He had fun and enjoyed your company in a more informal relationship - which there isnt' anything wrong with. You wanted more. He didn't. When you gave him an ultimatum, he told you he wasn't interested. The man has done no wrong. His only wrong seems to be that he didn't like you as much as you liked him. You see him on FB a few months later, you are two human beings that spent some together - why wouldn't he chat to you? This is your issue, not his. The fact that people on this thread are making him out to be some sort of evil man that lead someone on out of malice or had some hurtful purpose in his actions is absolute and utter absurdity.

He doesn't owe you anything and never did. He wasn't that into you - while it would have been nice for you if he was, the fact is, he wasn't, and that is that. For posters to find some malice in his actions, or twist the facts mentioned in the OP (i.e to suggest that he was dumped for something similar in the past, even though there is no evidence to support his, and indeed, the OP's post suggests the contrary) borders on the ridiculousness. Also, the mans age has nothing to do with it. He told the OP straight out he wasn't interested when she asked. If he hadn't done that, that would surely be the very thing that everybody pinpointed "oh and he hasn't the guts to tell you, how awful" yada yada - well, he did, and still gets shot for it - and to top it off it appears to be a sin to harmlessly catch up on FB months after.

There is no one at fault here. Rather, two people had two different ideas on how they wanted to pan out. That's certainly not his fault, never was and never will be. People should save their attacks for those who deseve it - like someone who actually led the OP on.

Actually freakmagnet you are totally incorrect there. firstly, I said in my first post that he was burnt by an ex, so yep there is evidence. read over my post perhaps. secondly its been two weeks that he got in touch, not a couple of months. also Ive given the run down of what happened since we last ended it, not what went on before. I didnt ask for advice in order to man bash the guy, and funny enough, the guy did have a horrendous break up previously, but Im not even basing anything on that. We were together for a while before the summer, actually "seeing each other," even he would admit that, then obviously when it ended, he then got back in touch, and it took quite a few times to get an answer out of him, he never gave me an answer straight. You actually dont know the full story of this. But as I said, its not man bashing Im looking for here. Just some steady advice on getting over someone who deep down I know isnt right for me.

and for the record, I wouldnt call him evil, but he was a pr**k the way he acted. I obviously didnt publish everything he did here, he could be online for all I know. But he was an asshole when he wanted to be. Funny how your post actually made me see grasp that now. so in a weird way, thanks

freakmagnet · 04-02-2011 08:22PM

We seem to be in agreement - some had suggested that he displayed an amount of flakiness in his previous relastionship and may have been dumped because of it. As you say, he was the one hurt and dumped, so it wasn't anything he did - in fact, it what was done to him, not what he did (as you said) - and might go some way to explaining why he might not getting involved in anything serious.

And by the way OP, it wasn't any of your post that i had issue with - it was the other responses based on the info you gave which was totally unreasonable. If there was more to it, that you are just mentioning now that make the subsequent posts accidently correct afterwards then thats fine! But based on what you had said the respones were OTT. And months or weeks, i would always chat to anyone no matter what.

I am a friend · 04-02-2011 10:15PM

wantingmore wrote: »

this guy is highly complicated and hot one day, cold the next, dismissive when I get upset about this and full of excuses.

He is not complicated - he is treating you badly and using ex's as an excuse or you are making them as an excuse. he is less than complicated - he is just not that into you. Sorry

LegacyUser · 05-02-2011 03:27PM

freakmagnet wrote: »

We seem to be in agreement - some had suggested that he displayed an amount of flakiness in his previous relastionship and may have been dumped because of it. As you say, he was the one hurt and dumped, so it wasn't anything he did - in fact, it what was done to him, not what he did (as you said) - and might go some way to explaining why he might not getting involved in anything serious.

And by the way OP, it wasn't any of your post that i had issue with - it was the other responses based on the info you gave which was totally unreasonable. If there was more to it, that you are just mentioning now that make the subsequent posts accidently correct afterwards then thats fine! But based on what you had said the respones were OTT. And months or weeks, i would always chat to anyone no matter what.

I find this attitude really, really selfish! Someone tells you that they want more you should be respectful enough not to contact them. It's headwrecking regardless of your intentions. It was finished...stay away! I think on some level it's to try and make you feel better about not returning the feelings.

And OP same goes for your guy. He's being selfish regardless. He doesn't want you like you want him. Have some self respect and move on. If not you'll always be the fall back and that will make you feel like crap. Block his number, block him on chat so he can't do what the poster above does. It will only wreck your head. I've been there OP so totally understand you.

LegacyUser · 06-02-2011 02:22AM

fruizy wrote: »

I find this attitude really, really selfish! Someone tells you that they want more you should be respectful enough not to contact them. It's headwrecking regardless of your intentions. It was finished...stay away! I think on some level it's to try and make you feel better about not returning the feelings.

And OP same goes for your guy. He's being selfish regardless. He doesn't want you like you want him. Have some self respect and move on. If not you'll always be the fall back and that will make you feel like crap. Block his number, block him on chat so he can't do what the poster above does. It will only wreck your head. I've been there OP so totally understand you.

Thanks Fruizy, thats why I was so surprised, it was weird hearing from him the first time again when we split, but I was shocked to hear from him the second. I just dont understand why he would do that, and it sucked because I had really got somewhere with the healing process for two weeks at that stage. and he just started the usual, how are you stuff and then when I reply, he goes offline very quickly soon after. It is headwrecking.

I know Im torturing myself. I really want to forget I ever met him in a way. Anything to get over it to be honest.

I am a friend · 06-02-2011 09:28PM

The way to get over him? Stop replying to him. As the other poster said - block him, delete him and eliminate him from your memory....

midlandsmissus · 06-02-2011 09:46PM

I am a friend wrote: »

The way to get over him? Stop replying to him. As the other poster said - block him, delete him and eliminate him from your memory....

Hi I am a friend if you had tips on how to do this it would be great!! Im still moping a month later over a casual thing.

What's eating me up is not so much me missing him, but being mortified at my own behaviour. Basically we would only meet up in a club and I would go back to his friends house with him. He was very persuasive and would charm me into going back. After the last time I texted him and said I think you owe me a date and he never replied. I just feel like how will I ever get a bit of self respect back. How do I face all his friends out in the small town. How could I let him use me for so long? I just can't stop thinking about it, and thinking Were all his friends laughing at me.

After he didnt text me back and the last time I saw him out, I looked hurt and ignored him and walked right past him in front of his friends. I thought it was the right thing to do at the time, but now I think it just made me look like an idiot, and let them know how hurt I was, and I'm kicking myself over that aswell.

Wht do you think of what I did? Ive cut all contact with him since, but am still torturing myself with my thoughts over this, really wish I could turn back the clock.

I would like some-one to tell me I am building this up more in my head than it really is, I think Im my own worst enemy -cant stop kicking myself.

LegacyUser · 06-02-2011 10:09PM

midlandsmissus wrote: »

Hi I am a friend if you had tips on how to do this it would be great!! Im still moping a month later over a casual thing.

What's eating me up is not so much me missing him, but being mortified at my own behaviour. Basically we would only meet up in a club and I would go back to his friends house with him. He was very persuasive and would charm me into going back. After the last time I texted him and said I think you owe me a date and he never replied. I just feel like how will I ever get a bit of self respect back. How do I face all his friends out in the small town. How could I let him use me for so long? I just can't stop thinking about it, and thinking Were all his friends laughing at me.

After he didnt text me back and the last time I saw him out, I looked hurt and ignored him and walked right past him in front of his friends. I thought it was the right thing to do at the time, but now I think it just made me look like an idiot, and let them know how hurt I was, and I'm kicking myself over that aswell.

Wht do you think of what I did? Ive cut all contact with him since, but am still torturing myself with my thoughts over this, really wish I could turn back the clock.

I would like some-one to tell me I am building this up more in my head than it really is, I think Im my own worst enemy -cant stop kicking myself.

I dont think you looked silly at all, midlandsmissus, if anything you showed him that you werent prepared to be used again and he could go elsewhere for that sort of carry on.

Hairspray · 06-02-2011 10:54PM

Heya
Reading this thread is basically reading over what i had with someone before xmas and its only now, 2 or so months since it ended that im around 98% over it.
I think we can all agree that the three of us (midland missus i'm looking at you) who are all sane girls, who normally wouldnt act like this i.e all mushy and in love. The thing which got me for good and bad was the uncertainity of everything, the excitment and the painful part was the rejection.

It feels hard to feel sad about this situation because on one hand it was never really anything, it wasnt a realtionship, it wasnt a break up. That leaves you with a question, "What the hell was it?" and harder, "How do i move on from here?".

The guy in question for me recently got a new girlfriend which i saw via facebook. It was then i decided a total loss of contact. Imo its the only way to move forward, delete everything! Your life will be better.
Keep a diary and write down your feelings everyday for it, it helps a lot.
Keep busy, think of things to do, drivers liscence, maybe a new hobby. Talk to friends, strenghten existing friendships.

It wont be easy, but if you cut contact now, accept you are upset and yeah feel the emotions but dont let them control you. Also there is much more to you than the girl stuck on some jerk, do stuff you enjoy, read magazines chat with people who you love being around.

It wont be easy, you will get there eventually.Good luck

Is this guy a commitment phobe?

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