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in love with 2 people or bored with life

  • 11-05-2011 02:22AM
    #1
    murreemurree
    Closed Accounts Posts: 33 ✭murreemurree


    i've been suffering for the past 3 months with a love issue but due to my internet not working i've had to suffer in silence. my friend very kindly let me use her laptop tonight so i'm going to vent.
    i realise people will get annoyed with my selfishness but please try to help me (particularly those who have ever been in a similar situation)
    ok so the story is, i love 2 guys. i am a female in my late 20s and have been with my boyfriend for the past 3.5years. we love each other very much and spend every waking moment together. i joined a postgraduate college last september and became friendly with a few people. i became particularly close to a guy who was my own age and we spoke every day. he told me hes quite lonely as he is from china and over here on a visa program for 3years. this is his 3rd year here. i had never imagined myself getting along so well with a chinese guy but this guy was very like myself and i found myself getting closer and closer to him. i began to fall in love with him 3 months ago and i now am afraid i am in love with him. can anybody help me? how do i know if i am truly in love?
    this guy liked me romantically from day one and i suppose i enjoyed the attention in the beginning. my partner knows nothing about this guy and i hope he never has to know of him. i always thought i'd be forever in love with my current partner but this whole relationship has now got me confused. 2 weeks ago after meeting for drinks, my chinese friend tried to kiss me and i literally couldnt stop it happening. he kissed me and i kissed him back and i honestly did not even feel guilty afterwards which leads me to believe it wasn't wrong. i met him last night again and am now dating 2 men....
    i dont know how long more i can carry on this way but i cannot choose between the two. neither know about the other so it's a right mess i'm in. what do i do? i think i might be in love with the chinese guy but i cannot lose my partner whom i love to bits. i know it doesnt sound like it but maybe i'm just not in love with him anymore. i am sure i still care for him so much and he is my bestest mate at the same time.
    throughout the course of the relationship with my college friend, i always felt something more than friends was happening between us and tried to stop it on many occasions, but i simply couldnt stay away from him for long.
    i am so cut up about this and i can't sleep at night. please god help me.


Comments

  • #2
    murreemurree
    Closed Accounts Posts: 33 ✭murreemurree


    i should also add that the chinese guy is very much head over heels with me and told me 5 months ago that he loves me. he is due to return to china in september but is applying for another visa and its 50/50 if he gets it...


  • #3
    eleven
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 83 ✭✭eleven


    I'm not sure what reaction you expect to get by postin a problem like yours on here. The internet can be very cutting.

    My 2 cents is this: Choose. You are being selfish. You cannot now at this stage expect to hurt nobody. You, your partner and/or the chinese guy will be hurt. You cannot expect to control the situation for long. Your boyfriend will figure out something is wrong, the chinese guy will want to be the only man in your life. You have to choose who to hurt.

    You cannot coast along like this - spending every waking moment with your partner, snatching moments with your new boyfriend, nobody getting suspicious or jealous.

    You need to make a decision.

    And I'm sorry but whether you feel guilty or not you need to wake up to the fact that you are doing something extremely nasty and damaging to the one person you are suppose to protect, love and be a refuge for in this world.

    Notwithstanding this, you have allowed a person who is far far from home, family and friends, who has come to like, care for and love you to become embroiled in a situation where they cannot help but feel hopeless, second best, suspicious, and locked into a romeo and juliet wierd love.

    You need to stop thinking about yourself, if you loved both these men you would make a decision NOW as to which one you want, thereby ending the ongoing betrayal and letting them get on with their life.

    Also, you say the chinese guy may or may not be able to stay in Ireland. This should not be a factor in your decision. It would be very callous to stay with your partner after you've fallen in love with another man, carried on an affair, not felt guilty about it, but based your decision to stay with him on the basis you can't have your cake and eat it anymore.

    Also, you might want to check out this thread http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056257713 , which is active and from the point of view of a woman who's found out her husband is in love with someone else. Just to see the devastation which your actions can produce, seeing as how you can only see your own point of view at the moment.


  • #4
    thecookingapple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 130 ✭✭thecookingapple


    I dont think you are in love with your Bf, you have cheated on him and usually one would not cheat on someone they supposely love, i am not being mean and being judgmental here, i am just mearly stating a fact.

    What do you do?

    Break up with your bf, it is not fair on him and please for one minute put yourself in his position and see how you would feel, you are going out with him 3.5 years, please show him more respect and love.

    The only option you have is stop seeing both and then figure out where you are.

    Good luck.


  • #5
    Rebecca Scary Restaurant
    Posts: 0 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Rebecca Scary Restaurant


    my chinese friend tried to kiss me and i literally couldnt stop it happening.
    Eh yes, you "literally" could have.
    If you are straying away it means you are not happy in your current relationship. Break up with your boyfriend and/or leave "my chinese friend" alone - someone who has said he is lonely and far away from home - and stop messing the pair of them around. They deserve better than this.


  • #6
    Colonel_McCoy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 751 ✭✭✭Colonel_McCoy


    You love your partner to bits but you cheated on him! Sure you do! Are you looking for sympathy? if so, you are not going to get it. You need to end with your bf as he deserves a lot better than you.


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  • #7
    Wompa1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,256 ✭✭✭Wompa1


    You cheated on your boyfriend after 3.5 years, You do not love him and are obviously a very self centered person. If you even cared for him a little you would have stopped everything, thought about what you wanted and broke up with him before entertaining another relationship.

    I really doubt your character so what I assume you'll do is either continue on 2 relationships because you are a coward or nearly as bad, break up with your boyfriend of 3.5 years giving a BS reason and not owning up to what a snake in the grass you really are.

    I have no pity or tolerance for people like you


  • #8
    greengiant09
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 237 ✭✭greengiant09


    you need to make a decision and you need to make it right now. sounds to me that you want to be with this chinese guy but you're not 100% sure. You're probably weighing up how it's going to unfold. will he get a visa or will he not??.....sounds like you're hedging your bets by not making a decision so far and that your placing your own best interests ahead of others. this is ultimately selfish. messing around with 2 guys is not fair on them. make a decision and stick to it. if it doesn't work out....so be it....it's not like you deserve to have it work out after the way you have been behaving.


  • #9
    joseywhales
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,307 ✭✭✭joseywhales


    I was in that chinese guy's position before. In my case the girl just took the easiest option and continued until I admittedly started being a little emotionally abusive and irrational, so I decided i needed to stop banging my head off a wall and went home.
    They're still together as far as I know, it must be years now like 5 or something. Maybe he knows, I doubt it though, she may have cheated since I guess.

    The only lesson I took is that people always take the path of least resistance and that this kind of thing probably happens all the time.
    I would like to tell you I'm angry or offer advise or something but all I can say is that in hinesight I just think she's a bit stupid.


  • #10
    Forever Hopeful
    Closed Accounts Posts: 275 ✭✭Forever Hopeful


    I wonder how you would feel if you found out if your boyfriend of 3.5 years 'fell in love' with someone else and couldn't choose. I can't say exactly how you would react but you would most certainly be singing a different tune.
    You need to grow up and start respecting peoples feelings. Sounds to me like you aren't really in love with either of these guys but in fact feeding off the attention. (supplementing your post with the fact that the Chinese guy is in love with you does not garner our sympathy, its more like boasting!)
    If you genuinely loved either of them, then you wouldn't be in this dilemma. If the new guy's visa does or doesn't come through, does this mean you stay with your bf and carry on as if nothing has happened? That guy deserves a lot more, both of them do.
    Every person wants to feel like their other half only has eyes for them. If you've ever experienced heartbreak or loss of love then you would understand where folks here are coming from.
    You need to spend some time on your own and learn to appreciate people for who they are and not for the attention they give you.
    Sorry if I am brash.


  • #11
    prinz
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,598 ✭✭✭✭prinz


    murreemurree wrote: »
    i realise people will get annoyed with my selfishness but please try to help

    Grow up and leave both well alone. I'd expect something like this from maybe a teenager but late 20's?
    murreemurree wrote: »
    i am a female in my late 20s and have been with my boyfriend for the past 3.5years. we love each other very much and spend every waking moment together.

    I am guessing he loves you.
    murreemurree wrote: »
    can anybody help me? how do i know if i am truly in love?

    You just said you love your boyfriend. Who told you you were in love with him? How did you know?
    murreemurree wrote: »
    i honestly did not even feel guilty afterwards which leads me to believe it wasn't wrong.

    What a great sense of objective morality you have. Some people don't feel guilt about raping and murdering others.. does that mean it's not wrong?
    murreemurree wrote: »
    i met him last night again and am now dating 2 men....

    Funny, impression I got was that you were in an almost 4 year relationship with one of them. Does the boyfriend know you are still 'dating'.

    Choose neither. Both sound like they would be better off starting fresh with somebody pproaching a mature adult.


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  • #12
    I am a friend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    Well your 'mistress' (and it doesn't matter what his nationality is, is no saint either. He is making moves on someone going out with someone doesn't make him much better in my book. What does your fling want out of this situation? Does he want you to move to china with him?


  • #13
    G-Money
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,199 ✭✭✭G-Money


    murreemurree wrote: »
    i think i might be in love with the chinese guy but i cannot lose my partner whom i love to bits.

    To me this line really meant "I like the chinese guy but if it doesn't work out, I won't have my partner as a fall-back". I could be wrong, but that's the way it appears from your post.


    I think you should do them a favour and end it with them both. Your partner deserves more than to be cheated on repeatedly while you test drive things with the chinese guy. Also it seems like the chinese guy thinks you are single. Does he know you have a partner? If not, you are stringing him along as he probably thinks you are only seeing him.

    Would you like it if your partner was doing this to you? No you wouldn't.

    Also I have to say I don't really believe your line about him kissing you and you literally couldn't stop it. I'd bet that at some point in the past, some guy who you didn't fancy has tried to kiss you and I'm sure you were able to stop that without any hassle.

    Your boyfriend deserves to be with someone who won't cheat on him. If the chinese guy doesn't know you have a partner, he deserves to be with someone who is single. If he does know, then it's his own fault if he gets burned.


  • #14
    Firetrap
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,442 ✭✭✭Firetrap


    I don't think you're as much in love with your partner as you say you are. Otherwise, why would you be cheating on him with the Chinese guy? Staying with him is the safe option.

    On the other hand, have you thought through the situation with Chinese guy? Does he know you have a boyfriend? What are his long term plans? If you ditch your current boyfriend for him, will a crunch come down the line if he wants to return home?


  • #15
    Herrick
    Closed Accounts Posts: 903 ✭✭✭Herrick


    I will prob get slated by some for this... But did it ever enter your head he may be after you for a Visa?

    If not, what happens if he's not allowed to remain here any longer?


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