Dating someone nice...strange text received

hatz7 · 07-05-2011 04:21PM

2textornot2text wrote: »

Am I imagining things?

Thanks

Yes OP you are imagining things, lots of people, me included hate speaking on the phone, to either friends partners or family, for any length of time.

Don't take it personally, it sounds as if things are going well for you, so don't f*ck it up!

Best of luck

LegacyUser · 07-05-2011 05:05PM

well its all very well for her to not wanting to speak on the phone but she didnt need to be so snotty about it.

thefeatheredcat · 07-05-2011 08:02PM

Just a thought, but given that the texts were so sporadic in nature on both sides, which suited both of you so there was no pressure or expectation, perhaps by arranging to call would only raise expectations and possibly leave her open to disappointment?

Lots of people do and don't like talking on the phone, sometimes in company of friends or out for the night it can be seen as rude or stressful if you miss calls... and especially if they continually keep calling within a short space of time (I've had that happen with guys and family) that you think something is up and then you find they just wanted to chat, want to talk about something personal or were bored and had nothing better to do... kind of like, why not just ring the once, and leave a message or try again later, but not 5 times in the space of 2 minutes?!

I can see where you're coming from in progressing from sporadic texting to calling to chat and get to know another (which is really a nice thing actually imo) but perhaps for now until you've met up a few more times it would be best to shelve it and talk in person and keep things as are until she's more comfortable. I don't think it's weird, really and she may be happy to talk on the phone when she knows you better in time.

KilOit · 07-05-2011 11:06PM

Another hater of talking on the phone here, i'm good with business calls and calls with an agenda but friends, family and girls i'm dating just no, i'm not even that shy, i just don't like friendly talk on phones.

LegacyUser · 07-05-2011 11:42PM

Okay, I'm comprehensively sold on the phone thing. I genuinely did not know about this dislike before, nor how widespread it seems to be.

Normal service has resumed with my girl as of this evening, so it looks like it was just a blip, as Maple said

LegacyUser · 16-05-2011 08:31PM

OP back.

Third date went well and we got quite physically intimate. Again, a week of sporadic texting followed, followed then by a flurry of texts one night.

I proposed an overnight stay at a B&B for our fourth date, she said yes, and we had a lovely time. I made her dinner, we watched a DVD, chatted a lot, and, had sex within minutes of her arriving at the B&B. It was a really nice, romantic night.

The next day we went for a walk along the beach and we lay down on a dune. She rested her head against me and was very silent. I was a bit perturbed by this but hid it well. I asked eventually if we should make it exclusive - heck, 4 long dates, plenty of intimacy, sex, weekend away. Time for eclusivity methinks. She gave a non-commital, shocked kind of reply at first, then said yes. Cue more silence.

Then I said I'd tell her where I was coming from. I told her what I'm about and what I'm looking for in life. I told her that I'd made my mistakes, that I'm looking for a long-term partner, and that while that might not be her, that's what I am seeking, as at this stage of my life I am ready for that. I told her I liked her a lot, but I told that that's all that meant at this stage - that I like her a lot. Not that I love her or want us to be a couple just yet. Just that I like her a lot. She said she liked me too, very tenderly. She said she'd been single for 4 years and can't just change, and can get freaked out. I reassured her she was still single, but she said "it's going in a certain direction though". I said yes, but that we can take our time. She told me a little about a relationship she'd had years previously and I did the same. Then I turned on the humour and we were laughing and giggling within minutes and kissing passionately.

We then left the beach and went back to the B&B to get our cars, talking casually as we walked. I won't be able to see her for the next two weekends, so won't see her for another 3 weeks. I said if she was free some evening she could text me and I'd drive to her and we could catch a movie. She said ok, but that i shouldn't be mad if she didn't. I said no problem at all.

All in all, I behaved really well over the weekend, I was very attentive, gave her a good time, made her laugh, made her feel like a woman, made her feel wanted, yet was assertive about my outlook.

I was delighted driving home. But - no texts since then, 30hrs now.

I really like this girl now. I can see myself falling for her. Big time. But still spordic communication. I would love to just pick up the phone now and call her. But I feel I can't. I am willing to accept that she feels unsure about a relationship, and I don't want to come across as needy or clingy, so am resisting the urge to text her now. I feel I've done what I could and she seemed to like it. I got us a room, I cooked for her, I told her I like her, I put the offer of meeting midweek to her. I'm a wee bit baffled at how cool she is. I am playing it cool, but hell, she's playing it far cooler than I can match.

I'm in a ball here. I have the lovely new relationship buzz going: she's in my head and I can't wait to see her and talk to her again. Yet no text from her last night or today and I would imagine it's no sweat to her to wait those long 21 days till we see each other again - at least that's what I think.

Should I text her this evening (I'm dying to) or should I wait for her to now make the move (were I made of stronger stuff I'd say yes), but maybe I need to do the leading here?

At the same time, i am conscious of doing too much lifting, which has been my weakness in past relationships.

I'm no greenhorn - but this is a weird situation.

Help!

vicecreamsundae · 16-05-2011 11:59PM

I don't think her response is that weird, and I wouldn't read into it or worry that it was a slap down. I never phone people 'just for the sake of it'. Of course I know loads of people that ring their friends for a chat, but me and most of my friends never do. I'm not even sure why, but when we want to catch up we text or email or meet up in person.

In saying that, I'm not averse to taking phonecalls, but I do know a few people who really dislike talking on the phone even to good friends. She probably just feels a bit awkward having to make an excuse to not take a phonecall and so she was upfront and admitted she just doesnt like phone conversations. and she stipulated "people i don't know thaaat well" so if things continue to go well she'll probably get over it in the future.

I think you should text her whenever you feel like it, just don't stress if she doesnt reply instantly.

IrishEyes19 · 17-05-2011 12:13AM

2textornot2text wrote: »

OP back.

Third date went well and we got quite physically intimate. Again, a week of sporadic texting followed, followed then by a flurry of texts one night.

I proposed an overnight stay at a B&B for our fourth date, she said yes, and we had a lovely time. I made her dinner, we watched a DVD, chatted a lot, and, had sex within minutes of her arriving at the B&B. It was a really nice, romantic night.

The next day we went for a walk along the beach and we lay down on a dune. She rested her head against me and was very silent. I was a bit perturbed by this but hid it well. I asked eventually if we should make it exclusive - heck, 4 long dates, plenty of intimacy, sex, weekend away. Time for eclusivity methinks. She gave a non-commital, shocked kind of reply at first, then said yes. Cue more silence.

Then I said I'd tell her where I was coming from. I told her what I'm about and what I'm looking for in life. I told her that I'd made my mistakes, that I'm looking for a long-term partner, and that while that might not be her, that's what I am seeking, as at this stage of my life I am ready for that. I told her I liked her a lot, but I told that that's all that meant at this stage - that I like her a lot. Not that I love her or want us to be a couple just yet. Just that I like her a lot. She said she liked me too, very tenderly. She said she'd been single for 4 years and can't just change, and can get freaked out. I reassured her she was still single, but she said "it's going in a certain direction though". I said yes, but that we can take our time. She told me a little about a relationship she'd had years previously and I did the same. Then I turned on the humour and we were laughing and giggling within minutes and kissing passionately.

We then left the beach and went back to the B&B to get our cars, talking casually as we walked. I won't be able to see her for the next two weekends, so won't see her for another 3 weeks. I said if she was free some evening she could text me and I'd drive to her and we could catch a movie. She said ok, but that i shouldn't be mad if she didn't. I said no problem at all.

All in all, I behaved really well over the weekend, I was very attentive, gave her a good time, made her laugh, made her feel like a woman, made her feel wanted, yet was assertive about my outlook.

I was delighted driving home. But - no texts since then, 30hrs now.

I really like this girl now. I can see myself falling for her. Big time. But still spordic communication. I would love to just pick up the phone now and call her. But I feel I can't. I am willing to accept that she feels unsure about a relationship, and I don't want to come across as needy or clingy, so am resisting the urge to text her now. I feel I've done what I could and she seemed to like it. I got us a room, I cooked for her, I told her I like her, I put the offer of meeting midweek to her. I'm a wee bit baffled at how cool she is. I am playing it cool, but hell, she's playing it far cooler than I can match.

I'm in a ball here. I have the lovely new relationship buzz going: she's in my head and I can't wait to see her and talk to her again. Yet no text from her last night or today and I would imagine it's no sweat to her to wait those long 21 days till we see each other again - at least that's what I think.

Should I text her this evening (I'm dying to) or should I wait for her to now make the move (were I made of stronger stuff I'd say yes), but maybe I need to do the leading here?

At the same time, i am conscious of doing too much lifting, which has been my weakness in past relationships.

I'm no greenhorn - but this is a weird situation.

Help!

You may have worried her by saying she was very much still single. I sense she would have liked to know if you saw a potential relationship here, but your replies seem to have kept emphasising on keeping it slow, I think that may have disappointed her maybe??

LegacyUser · 17-05-2011 12:45AM

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

You may have worried her by saying she was very much still single. I sense she would have liked to know if you saw a potential relationship here, but your replies seem to have kept emphasising on keeping it slow, I think that may have disappointed her maybe??

Hey Irisheyes, love your advice so i am glad you're here!

TBH, I really got the vibe from her that if I had proposed a relationship, she would have been freaked out. I mean, she said she gets freaked out easily, and emphasised that because she's been single for so long, she can't just go back into relationship mode. I definitely had the feeling that the right thing to do was to take it handy with her.

Anyway, around 9.30 I dialled her number. I know, I know, but feck it, I wanted to talk to her. It rang out. Half ten I dialled it again and just left a brief, cheerful message on her phone, asking how she was and saying I'd like to talk to her, something along those lines. Nada back.

I will be petty gutted if this goes pear-shaped as we had such a nice weekend. I really mean I don't think it could have gone better. Great chemistry, lots of intimacy and cuddles, great chat, lots of laughs.

I'm really confused now.

What makes it so bad/good is that she is the first girl I have strong feelings for since a very bad break-up over a year ago. I mean I have mentioned nothing about this to this new girl, and I'm playing it very well. But privately, within me, I was so happy driving home that I could feel good feelings again for another girl after my ex. It was a huge realisation for me, and so nice to like someone else for who they are without constantly comparing them to my ex. I felt renewed; I felt healed.

And now it's looking like things with this girl might be going south, and I have no clue why after such an epically good weekend.

PennyLane88 · 17-05-2011 02:43AM

Well tbh, i dont like talking on the phone either, its no big deal. I much rather face to face conversations, so its not odd. And i often ask people not to ring me, unless its close friends/ family, so i dont get many phone calls.

You have only dated 2 times, so maybe she's not comfortable with phone calls yet, its just her shy nature. Dont lose hope of dating her just because of that!!

Kingpin187 · 17-05-2011 05:51AM

Good advice in this thread for ya OP

Im a guy, hate talking on the phone.. I give one word answers (unintentionally) and that gives them the impression im in a mood or whatever. Me & the gf been living in our new flat for a year last weekend, I could count on one hand how many times Ive answered the house phone.

As for relationship calling, my gf knows I wont answer the phone.. I genuinely just cba sitting chatting on the phone lol.. I love her to bits and she knows it I just hate the phone!

She said to me the other day when I had asked something about what she got up to during the day, she said "I would have phoned but you wouldnt have answered"... says it all lol

Firetrap · 17-05-2011 08:59AM

Send a text and see what happens.

fungun · 17-05-2011 09:56AM

why wouldnt you text her?

seems like there is a lot of 'positioning' here, by both of you. Id try to relax and be more natural, she clearly likes you but seems unsure of how to change her life. You told her all about what you wanted out of your life etc....and she said she likes you too but can get freaked out.
If it was me, Id have confirmed I wanted her as a 'girlfriend' but was happy to just change slowly if thats what suited her. That would be my advice: you cant stay second guessing every move or you will drive yourself crazy.

sporina · 17-05-2011 10:04AM

OP - i too hate talking on the phone. I don't know why - I just do. I generally use the phone for arranging to meet people etc, but not randomly chatting. So if you want things to progress with her, you have to respect that. Do not add another factor into the mix as she already has issues with relationships. Phoning her could push her away. There is nothing wrong with her not wanting to chat on the phone as she seems happy to text.

AnonoBoy · 17-05-2011 10:35AM

Look at it from her point of view:

She's told you she doesn't enjoy talking on the phone (be it because of shyness or whatever) and now it could seem to her like you're pressing the issue.

That comes off as you being someone who isn't taking her feelings into account.

Lay off the phonecalls, stick to texts - when she's more comfortable with you then she'll probably feel different about chatting on the phone.

LegacyUser · 17-05-2011 10:37AM

sunflower27 wrote: »

If you have called her twice I wouldn't be sending a text message as well.

Maybe she is just taking time out to think and will get back to you.

You hounding her for some scrap of contact is not the answer.

Hey there sunflower, you're right. When I dialled again at 10.30, I meant I left a cheerful voice message as opposed to a text. Anyway, psychologically I had written it off last night when I went to bed.

But then this morning there was a text from her waiting for me saying "heya! sorry I missed your calls, phone was charging on silent in the corner overnight. Gota start work now. Hope you have a good day! x"

Head is now melted from these sporadic texts. Were I to text back, I won't receive a reply till something like 8pm.

Anyway, perhaps I should've been a little bolder eh and told her I want her to be my girlfriend? Well, while I definitely would like for her to be my girlfriend, I wouldn't want it just yet, not until all these communication issues are solved. You'd think from reading this that I'm 18, but I've had plenty of girlfriends in the past. This situation has me rather flummoxed though!

Faith · 17-05-2011 12:12PM

You sound like a lovely guy, OP, but you do sound like you're doing things firmly at your own pace and you're not listening to her. 4 dates is very quick to be making things exclusive IMO, especially if you feel she might not be ready for that. You're rushing her again by phoning her just because you want to talk and you don't feel like texting. Just slow things down.

I get that you're frustrated at not being able to talk to her. Can you find a middle ground between texts and calls? Things like MSN, Facebook chat and Gmail chat are great for real time conversations without needing to be on the phone to each other. That might keep you going for a while.

Distorted · 17-05-2011 12:27PM

I would say she is pretty nearer the norm (whatever that is) on communications in the early stages of a relationship than you OP. She sounds pretty chilled whereas you come across as overthinking, anxious, worrying and very needy. You seem to need constant reassurance while she is content to be in the moment. The fact that you mentioned that it was 30 hours since you'd last had contact with her - most people would have just described that as a day, rather than adding up the exact number of hours. And I would say anyway that if you'd just had a nice date, she's probably just relaxing, enjoying thinking it over and digesting it, whereas you are worrying about where the relationship is heading, worrying over how many hours since you've last had contact, etc..

Guys who constantly text irritate me. I know its mean and they are only trying to be nice, but you want a guy to have a bit of a life going on that absorbs them when you're not with them. It also might depend on what sort of education level/background you're from. To me, as a professional working in a high pressured environment, I don't have time to constantly be sending cutesy little kissy texts all the time. To me, thats something that really young people do, or maybe not so serious sorts of people.

She's already told you what she prefers - can you not just learn to chill a bit between contact, relax and look forward to the next time you see her?

LegacyUser · 17-05-2011 01:06PM

Distorted wrote: »

I would say she is pretty nearer the norm (whatever that is) on communications in the early stages of a relationship than you OP. She sounds pretty chilled whereas you come across as overthinking, anxious, worrying and very needy.

Here's the thing. I'm reserving ALL my anxiety for this thread. I'm actually as cool as a cucumber in her company and in texts.

You seem to need constant reassurance while she is content to be in the moment. The fact that you mentioned that it was 30 hours since you'd last had contact with her - most people would have just described that as a day, rather than adding up the exact number of hours. And I would say anyway that if you'd just had a nice date, she's probably just relaxing, enjoying thinking it over and digesting it, whereas you are worrying about where the relationship is heading, worrying over how many hours since you've last had contact, etc..

Cool, will take that on board. I won't lie and say you're wrong. My last relationship was a disaster and it's left me a little uncertain and paranoid, and waiting for things to go wrong. But again, I must say that in her company and when talking to her, I play it very cool, partly because it's so easy to. In her company things go well.

Guys who constantly text irritate me. I know its mean and they are only trying to be nice, but you want a guy to have a bit of a life going on that absorbs them when you're not with them. It also might depend on what sort of education level/background you're from. To me, as a professional working in a high pressured environment, I don't have time to constantly be sending cutesy little kissy texts all the time. To me, thats something that really young people do, or maybe not so serious sorts of people.

Seriously, I'm not texting her all the time. Maybe two texts per day on average, and they're not the cutesy type. I am actually relieved that she isn't constantly texting me as I also find it needy...but this just seems to me to be a tad too far in the other direction.

She's already told you what she prefers - can you not just learn to chill a bit between contact, relax and look forward to the next time you see her?

Okay okay....:o

Was very badly bitten by the last girlfriend. We had been friends for a few months with a simmering undercurrent of extreme attraction and finally, when we did get together, we spent the night. Next morning I got up, kissed her goodbye, and then the next day she texted to say that a switch had gone off in her head and she no longer wanted me. Was a bit sudden. Anyway, we ironed it out, got back, took things slow, and then six months later the switch just went in her head again and she left me to pursue another guy. I was head over heels for her. Just the suddenness of her change freaked me out, as well as her ability at lying. The previous gf wasn't much better. So yes, I'm a bit wary, I'm a bit guarded. I'm ready for a relationship, I like this girl, but I admit my bs detector is now too sensitive. Meh, we all have issues in our late 20s. I think this current girl certainly has one or two issues too. Like i said, I'm aware of my flaws and I'm airing my worries here and here alone. It's not a problem in her company, as things go well, and I'm naturally good with women, really.

neveah · 17-05-2011 01:30PM

Everyone is so different, all the replies here show that. This is why the early stages of dating can be so stressful, all the second guessing, waiting for the texts, waiting to reply, waiting for the phone calls, the next date etc etc. Some people say they don't play games but a lot of people do. It's a headwreck!

Saying that however she has been quite upfront with you about where she's coming from. Ok so she doesn't like phone calls, she wants to communicate with you by text, my first reaction is that I can understand where she is coming from, she prefers not to talk to people she doesn't know that well on the phone, I'm the same to be honest. However I think if it's after the 4th date, we had spent the night away together and he's ringing and I really like him then I would be happy to have a conversation with him on the phone if I felt it was going somewhere, but again everyone is different. I do think you will find that her attitude will thaw as time goes on but do you have the patience to wait??

The thing is you don't know her very well yet so you have no idea what's really going on in her head. There might be a good reason why she's being the way she is. Sounds like she is very independent, maybe she had a bad experience in the past hence her reason to keep that little bit of distance between you. It sounds like it will take a while for her to trust you and give herself to you in full if you know what I mean. You should go with the flow as it sounds like you both like each other and you enjoy each others company. The worst thing you could do is smother her as you will scare her away.

However saying that communication is one of the most important things in a relationship. My only concern is that you are on two different levels when it comes to communication. Maybe she will never change? Would you be able to deal with that? If not, then maybe you are just not compatible with each other as you will always be looking for more. If you really like this girl and you think that she's worth it then I would keep an open mind, give her another few dates and see where it goes. Relationships are all about give and take and if she's not prepared to give more to you as time goes on then you can make a decision on the relationship.

Just be yourself OP, if you like to ring people then that's the way you are, if she likes you enough she will accept that in time.

Hope it works out

LegacyUser · 17-05-2011 01:31PM

Whoooooooooooah nelly. Back up a bit there - you are being way too pushy and you run the risk of scaring her off.

I can't believe you rang her - twice! - after having the whole back-and-forth about phone calls! Dude...

You need to chill out a bit. Asking someone to be your girlfriend after 4 dates is a bit fast. I'm sure she likes you, but maybe she's still figuring out how much she likes you, and you forcing her into an answer will just make her bolt. Play it cool, even if you have to force yourself to do so - desperation is not an attractive quality.

LegacyUser · 17-05-2011 01:34PM

Faith wrote: »

You sound like a lovely guy, OP, but you do sound like you're doing things firmly at your own pace and you're not listening to her. 4 dates is very quick to be making things exclusive IMO, especially if you feel she might not be ready for that. You're rushing her again by phoning her just because you want to talk and you don't feel like texting. Just slow things down.

I get that you're frustrated at not being able to talk to her. Can you find a middle ground between texts and calls? Things like MSN, Facebook chat and Gmail chat are great for real time conversations without needing to be on the phone to each other. That might keep you going for a while.

Thanks Faith. I suppose to me 4 dates over 5 weeks, sex, intimacy....indicates that it's time for exclusivity. It just is how I like to do things. But point taken, I suppose i should slow it down (though it already feels slow to me, due to the lack of contact between the dates).

As for IM, it hasn't been suggested that we add each other on Facebook. I view facebook as my sanctuary on the web where I can mouth off about stuff. I have 20 friends on it and they're all genuine friends. I am reluctant to add her. She's not on Google Chat... but I suppose I could download MSN IM and add her on that.

Miss Fluff · 17-05-2011 01:42PM

2textornot2text wrote: »

And now it's looking like things with this girl might be going south, and I have no clue why after such an epically good weekend.

Because if you're not careful you are going to sabotage it before it has even had the chance to develop. She specifically said she doesn't like texting which you seemed to have massive difficulty in grasping and then you go phoning her (twice!).... You also have the relationship "talk" after a mere four dates.

You are trying to shoehorn this into a relationship at breakneck speed and if you don't actually take some very deep breaths and chill the hell out you are potentially going to lose out. You sound like a very nice guy (albeit over-anxious and ever so slightly needy) and if you carried on like that with me I'd be running away as fast as my legs could carry me. It's a turn off.

This girl wouldn't be agreeing to more dates, getting intimate with you and keeping in regular contact (having breaks of 30 hours in contact is in fact acceptable, you're not married) if she wasn't interested in you. She evidently is. But she'll lose interest sharpish if you continue on in the vein you are going. Please, for your own sake, relax the cacks.

Distorted · 17-05-2011 01:44PM

2textornot2text wrote: »

Seriously, I'm not texting her all the time. Maybe two texts per day on average, and they're not the cutesy type.

See, I'd see that as quite a lot at the start of a relationship. Or more accurately, the times you sent them. I don't know what kind of job she does, but I've been in jobs where you have to have your phone switched off as you're not allowed to answer it or text at your desk (or constantly disappear to the toilets to text). Some people also get very caught up in their jobs and don't really have time to think of texting or phoning during their working day.

I'd go as far as to say I avoid texting or phoning my friends when I know they're at work. My boyfriend I will occasionally send a text to during the working day if its urgent, as I know he barely gets a signal anyway and it won't disturb him, but I won't necesssarily expect a reply. But if it was the start of a relationship, I'd wait til the evening. And maybe every few days.

msn-ing or FB chat or whatever in the evenings instead of phoning/texting would also annoy me. Whats the need for constant contact these days? My guess would be this girl has been so upfront about you re telephonging etc and telling you "she has to go to work now" that, although she likes you, you are annoying her slightly by your constant desire to be in touch (even though you think you're hiding it).

Whats the harm in just having contact every 4 or 5 days at this stage? When you know when you'll see her again?

LegacyUser · 17-05-2011 01:52PM

neveah wrote: »

However I think if it's after the 4th date, we had spent the night away together and he's ringing and I really like him then I would be happy to have a conversation with him on the phone if I felt it was going somewhere, but again everyone is different. I do think you will find that her attitude will thaw as time goes on but do you have the patience to wait??

That's exactly how I see it!

The thing is you don't know her very well yet so you have no idea what's really going on in her head. There might be a good reason why she's being the way she is. Sounds like she is very independent, maybe she had a bad experience in the past hence her reason to keep that little bit of distance between you. It sounds like it will take a while for her to trust you and give herself to you in full if you know what I mean. You should go with the flow as it sounds like you both like each other and you enjoy each others company. The worst thing you could do is smother her as you will scare her away.

Yup. She is not Irish and is going back to her country at the start of July for 9 weeks. There's a very good chance she'll be back here after that, but it's not certain. I'm reasonably footloose and actually speak the language of her country and am open to moving there anyway, as I like it there. We did talk about this issue by text, where I said I was hoping to get a job in her country anyway as it was my preference. She asked what if she got a job in Ireland, and I said that then my preference could well change (winky face). She seemed rather pleased at that! And we seem to both be at the stage where we're looking for a long-term thing with someone.

I guess this sort of accounts for my wanting to get to know her better pretty quickly - I would like us to be on good terms for those 9 weeks that she's in her own country so that those weeks are manageable. And it worries me about her lack of texts now, because I have a valid concern that she'll be bad at communication while in her own country, which simply won't cut it for me. She has a busy job at the moment, minding children, so I get that she's tired in the evening and can't text very often during the day.

I'm willing to give her a chance as I find her sweet, gentle, feminine and lovely. But my patience between dates is wearing thin. And also, I do note that much of the advice is basically saying that I have to accommodate what she may or may not want. Absolutely nothing about the fact that I have wants, needs and expectations of my own too. Don't get me wrong, I love reading people's comments, but it isn't *all* about her. I've bent over backwards for partners in the past and it was all thrown back in my face. It's not a mistake I wish to repeat.

However saying that communication is one of the most important things in a relationship. My only concern is that you are on two different levels when it comes to communication. Maybe she will never change? Would you be able to deal with that? If not, then maybe you are just not compatible with each other as you will always be looking for more. If you really like this girl and you think that she's worth it then I would keep an open mind, give her another few dates and see where it goes. Relationships are all about give and take and if she's not prepared to give more to you as time goes on then you can make a decision on the relationship.

That's a good call I reckon. If she doesn't improve communication-wise after a few more weeks, it's too head-wrecking for me and I will have to break it off with her. I like to feel connected to someone I'm seeing and if that's lacking, there's nothing to do but to end it.

Just be yourself OP, if you like to ring people then that's the way you are, if she likes you enough she will accept that in time.

Hope it works out

Thanks

Dinxminx · 17-05-2011 02:02PM

I'm another person that loathes talking on the phone. Absolutely hate it. Have to be extremely comfortable with somebody before I'd feel alright about talking to them on the phone; even my best friend of sixteen years knows not to call me for a gossip. Only time she calls is when we're about to meet and she wants to tell me where she is!

Only people I'd talk to on the phone are my immediate family and my boyfriend of over two years, and it was a long time before I felt okay with him calling for a chat.. :rolleyes:

As far as this girl goes, she sounds like she likes you. I don't think you should stress too much about it - try not to call her any more since she's already said she doesn't like it; I'd much rather a text than a voicemail. She does seem a bit sporadic with her texting but I think you're going to have to wait to bring this up as something that bothers you. You've only been on four dates and even though they've gone really well I don't think it's early enough to be putting everything out there.

For now, I would say try to keep it casual and not worry. I know it's difficult when you've been burned before but it's no good running a relationship into the ground before it's even got started due to past experiences.

Good luck, OP!

PhysiologyRocks · 17-05-2011 03:46PM

I think this relationship is becoming all about what she wants.

From her dislike of phone calls to the OP pussyfooting around the idea of becoming exclusive, she is 'getting her own way' at every turn.

Texting etiquette centres around her likes and dislikes. To be fair, 2 texts a day does not sound at all excessive.

While this is good for her, the OP is a person too and equally important in this relationship.

OP, I think you should ask yourself whether or not you would be happy to continue like this.

(I'm female, by the way, and certainly not the type to be jumping head first into relationships)

LegacyUser · 17-05-2011 04:17PM

PhysiologyRocks wrote: »

I think this relationship is becoming all about what she wants.

From her dislike of phone calls to the OP pussyfooting around the idea of becoming exclusive, she is 'getting her own way' at every turn.

Texting etiquette centres around her likes and dislikes. To be fair, 2 texts a day does not sound at all excessive.

While this is good for her, the OP is a person too and equally important in this relationship.

OP, I think you should ask yourself whether or not you would be happy to continue like this.

(I'm female, by the way, and certainly not the type to be jumping head first into relationships)

This is it in a nutshell. My previous two relationships actually involved my exes getting their way too. By trying to be accommodating and by being understanding and accommodating, I gave them the run of it all and i was walked on in the end. I do NOT want to make the same mistake again.

LegacyUser · 17-05-2011 06:17PM

Holy crap, you know this girl 5 weeks and you've already mentioned how you'd be willing to move to her country to work?

I'm sure you're a nice guy, but your actions and words scream 'clinger'. You're being as clingy as hell. This girl is not your girlfriend and it's perfectly alright for her not to be in touch with you every waking hour of the day, or even for days at a time. It's nothing about 'giving her her own way' - it's got to do with giving her SPACE, which you don't seem to grasp.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think you need to man up a bit - have you nothing else going on in your life except your obsession with this girl? 'Cos if I was this girl, your constant contact and neediness would scare me so soon into the dating phase. I don't think you should play games, but giving her a bit of space might make her realise that she in fact, does like you and want to contact you.

By the way, have you ever thought that another reason she may not like speaking on the phone is because English isn't her first language?

Also, I see how you're ignoring the advice that people are giving you that goes against your own line of thought...

Bottom line, again: NEEDINESS IS NOT ATTRACTIVE!

LegacyUser · 17-05-2011 06:26PM

Actually, following on from physiology rocks' post, I have realised she is COMPLETELY correct. This is classic me. Bending over backwards and neglecting my own needs and wants.

Psychologically, I've come to the conclusion that this relationship will go nowhere. So when it does peter out, I won't be disappointed.

Way I see it, I have done a lot of leading, a lot of heavy lifting. I'm not going to initiate contact with her again until the weekend. Very much her turn now. I have needs and expectations too.

Dating someone nice...strange text received

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