Told Untruths to wife

Darragho · 20-05-2011 12:59pm #1

Hi All,

Sorry if posted in wrong forum, Briefly I am married 5yrs and we have always
been financially independant of each other, My Wife has no Debts whatsoever except our Mortgage, me on the other hand have built up circa €25k which I am servicing.

My wife does not know about my Loans and lately I have become very distressed over what I have done in not disclosing this, we are in the process of trying to switch our mortgage and thus this is where the above is going to come to a head.

I am demented with worry as I do know my wife will leave me due to this and we have a 2yr old Son who I absolutely adore and will be heartbroken if I have broken up my marriage over money, I do not smoke or drink and dont gamble so cant figure why I ever needed to get loans, my wifes family are very wealthy so I think I might have been trying to keep up with the Jones's.

I have not been able to sleep properly the last few weeks and am eating very little as feel terrible stress due to this I know this my own fault.

we have savings of 110K in a deposit account, any advise on what I can do I feel like telling my wife this weekend that our marriage is not working out even though it is except for my lies but I just feel I have been so dishonest that our marriage cannot be saved over my stupid carry on.

slavetothegrind · 20-05-2011 1:03pm

tell her, she will get annoyed and upset and then forgive you, in that order.
then get on with your life

Biggins · 20-05-2011 1:04pm

I agree, you will have to come clean and bite the bullet.
The longer the lie/hidden truth continues, the worse in your mind and in reality the problem and outcome will enlarge.

diddlybit · 20-05-2011 1:07pm

Darragho wrote: »

we have savings of 110K in a deposit account, any advise on what I can do I feel like telling my wife this weekend that our marriage is not working out even though it is except for my lies but I just feel I have been so dishonest that our marriage cannot be saved over my stupid carry on.

Hey OP.

If you follow this line of thought, you will lose your wife and your son. You are panicing and rather than own up, it seems easier to jump ship.

If you are honest with your wife, there is a possibility that you will keep your family. She's probably going to be very angry and very confused but, you can talk it out with her. You might be surprised as to her reaction. She may also not want to lose you over money.

Oryx · 20-05-2011 1:07pm

Please note this thread has been moved from AH to PI and different rules apply here.

Juicyfruit · 20-05-2011 1:16pm

OP, sit down and explain to her what happened and why. I really can't see this being a reason to end a marriage to be honest. You need to come clean before it eats you up, it's a big mess yes, but it's fixable.

Why would you tell her your marriage isn't working and leave, that't the cowards way out and is in no way fair to your wife who has done nothing wrong here. You'd be causing a lot more heart ache that way and it seems more like you'd rather leave her than have to tell her what's going on and have her leave you.

You need to come clean.

Fentdog84 · 20-05-2011 1:19pm

I agree with the other posters, the only way is to tell her. Pick your moment then tell her. Look 25K is a nice bit of money but not the end of the world. Just make a plan on how you are going to pay it back and stick to it. Probably would be best holding off on the remortgage stuff etc until this is cleared up. Your not the only person who built up these sort of debts over the past number of years. Sure she'll be annoyed but ultimately she needs to be supportive. If she's the materilistic type who wants xyz by such and such a time, you may have a problem. But tell her anyway, for your own peace of mind.

EDIT: If you can, pay it off out of the savings, it will save you a **** load in interest

Big Nasty · 20-05-2011 1:31pm

Oryx wrote: »

Please note this thread has been moved from AH to PI and different rules apply here.

I.e. - don't blast her with piss?

Angeles · 20-05-2011 1:35pm

Darragho wrote: »

I am demented with worry as I do know my wife will leave me due to this

I feel like telling my wife this weekend that our marriage is not working out even though it is except for my lies but I just feel I have been so dishonest that our marriage cannot be saved over my stupid carry on.

Seems like there is more to this then meets the eye here,
25k is a large sum of money yes, but nothing unlike a loan which can't be paid off over some years with some planning, and if you both truly love each other, no amount of dept in the world would change that, part of being a married couple is pushing through things like this, it makes you and your relationship stronger

However the question you'll face is how you've come to being in this predicament? Is this why you would sooner claim your marriage is not working over actually being in dept?

Silverfish · 20-05-2011 1:35pm

MCMLXXV wrote: »

I.e. - don't blast her with piss?

Banned.

I don't think we can make the warning any clearer.

seamus · 20-05-2011 1:39pm

Darragho wrote: »

I am demented with worry as I do know my wife will leave me due to this

Why?

You're not a drinker or a smoker or a gambler, so presumably you haven't pissed it up against the wall. At worst you've made some dodgy investments and it's gone pear-shaped. Fair enough, everyone makes mistakes.

You have a large amount of savings, so presumably you have a well-paying job and your debts are much smaller than your savings, so you've not left the family in any kind of financial hock.

So I don't see why your wife would leave you. She'd be mightily pissed off that you kept these loans from her no doubt, she'd be right to. But you haven't made a mistake with major long-term ramifications.

Is there something more in the past that makes it a bigger deal, cheating or alcoholism or whatever?

Darragho · 20-05-2011 1:56pm

seamus wrote: »

Why?

You're not a drinker or a smoker or a gambler, so presumably you haven't pissed it up against the wall. At worst you've made some dodgy investments and it's gone pear-shaped. Fair enough, everyone makes mistakes.

You have a large amount of savings, so presumably you have a well-paying job and your debts are much smaller than your savings, so you've not left the family in any kind of financial hock.

So I don't see why your wife would leave you. She'd be mightily pissed off that you kept these loans from her no doubt, she'd be right to. But you haven't made a mistake with major long-term ramifications.

Is there something more in the past that makes it a bigger deal, cheating or alcoholism or whatever?

Hi All,

Thanks so much for your comments, I am feeling a bit better already.

no there is nothing else going on in my life to be honest it would be actually perfect only for this loan issue, no cheating or drink issues or anything,
I am very cross with myself for having allowed this to happen and to get so out of control

MagicMarker · 20-05-2011 2:27pm

There's a serious lack of communication here, if you're not drinking or gambling the money away then why did you feel the need to take out loans behind your wife's back when you both have 110k in the bank?

I don't think we're hearing the full story tbh.

marzic · 20-05-2011 2:27pm

Darragho wrote: »

Hi All,

Thanks so much for your comments, I am feeling a bit better already.

no there is nothing else going on in my life to be honest it would be actually perfect only for this loan issue, no cheating or drink issues or anything,
I am very cross with myself for having allowed this to happen and to get so out of control

It will be best for you when it comes to light, perhaps you let things go out of control but i guess so long as you didnt spend it on anything illicit, you may just suffer feeling embarrassed and foolish. I think you should be prepared that she will be upset that you kept this from her and your reassurance that it was nothing more than poor decision making may take time for her to accept.

I dont know anything about your life/relationship but i hope its humanly reasonably to think that this should not have a detrimental impact on your future. IMO it would be a bigger act of betrayal if you were to lie to her that your marriage is over as a cover for some poor decision making on your part. Best of luck.

Oryx · 20-05-2011 2:33pm

To me a lot of the issue here depends on why you owe the money.

If you didnt spend the money on personal extravagant purchases or anything silly, if it was for joint expenses, (say, to make ends meet with credit cards) then even though its your debt, the reasons for it are shared.

If you did rack up the debt by spending on things you shouldnt, it does cast a different light and will mean dealing with it differently.

tbh · 20-05-2011 2:45pm

you know that sooner or later, your wife will be told, either by you or by someone else. You know that has to happen, and you know that the situation cannot be resolved without it happening. The longer you spend thinking about it, the worse it'll be in your head. You're spending so much time thinking about it because you're panicking, and your brain is desperately trying to figure out a way to make the problem go away without having to tell her.

If you'd told her six months ago, the problem would be solved - one way or another - now. There's nothing else for it but to tell her - I strongly advise you not to wait for the right moment, not to try to figure out how to tell her in the most perfect way, not to wait and see does something happen that means you won't have to tell her - these are all excuses for putting off what has to be done.

Tell her. Tonight. As soon as the words are out of your mouth, the problem is solved. Granted, it may lead to other problems, and probably will, but those are problems you can actually do something about. Once your wife knows the whole truth, you don't have to worry about what she might find out or how she might react - you can deal with how she actually does react - and knowns are always far easier to deal with than unknowns.

Darragho · 20-05-2011 2:50pm

Oryx wrote: »

To me a lot of the issue here depends on why you owe the money.

If you didnt spend the money on personal extravagant purchases or anything silly, if it was for joint expenses, (say, to make ends meet with credit cards) then even though its your debt, the reasons for it are shared.

If you did rack up the debt by spending on things you shouldnt, it does cast a different light and will mean dealing with it differently.

Thanks again all,

Seriously there is no issue at all with drink issues or gambling, on reflection I married into a very wealthy family and it comes down to the fact that I was trying to keep up with the jones's I dont have an extravagant lifestyle my clothes are about 5yrs old,dont drive a fancy car this over 10yrs old, I was out of work 12 months ago for 10 months so think this is where the situation just got worse thanks all for your comments much appreciated

MagicMarker · 20-05-2011 2:53pm

Darragho wrote: »

Thanks again all,

Seriously there is no issue at all with drink issues or gambling, on reflection I married into a very wealthy family and it comes down to the fact that I was trying to keep up with the jones's I dont have an extravagant lifestyle my clothes are about 5yrs old,dont drive a fancy car this over 10yrs old, I was out of work 12 months ago for 10 months so think this is where the situation just got worse thanks all for your comments much appreciated

Well, all due respect, but if you don't have an extravagant lifestyle, new car or new clothes, then where did the money go?

StillWaters · 21-05-2011 12:09am

So where did he 25K go? On living expenses during the 10 months you were unemployed?
During that time did you not work out as a couple your changed circumstances and budget accordingly?
You say your finances are separate, but who earns more, is the savings joint or a gift from her family, are the bills split equally, does she expect you to keep up with her family in spending power?
Its not enough to own up to this debt and then shrug your shoulders and say 'dunno, your families fault I guess'.

Its very telling you say that you know she will leave you over this. How do you know?

papajohn12 · 21-05-2011 2:20am

I'm surprised you are quick to assume your wife will leave you because of this. There must be really something more to this than what you're saying, or maybe you're pride must be bigger than your head to admit your mistakes to her. But I do hope you get things right, paying off your 25k debt is not as hopeless as you make it sound. Best of luck.

tenchi-fan · 21-05-2011 4:53am

I can fully see how someone can run up debt of €25k. Be out of work for a year (benefits €10k) but then spend money like you're earning a salary.

Op, it's fairly simple to get out of the financial mess. Spend like you're only earning €10k and pay the balance off your loan within 2 years.

Also, do you own anything at all that would be worth a few quid? Is any of the cash in the joint savings yours?

Meanwhile you have the wife to worry about. Your loans shouldn't sabotage your mortgage application as you have so much cash in your joint account.

Explain calmly what happened and hope she is rational. If I were her I'd take your bank card off you.. you do have some serious budgeting issues and you will need to address them.

amdublin · 21-05-2011 9:47am

Talk to you wife.
Tell her how stressed you are. Tell her how angry and upset you are with yourself.
Apologise to her for doing his.
Discuss how you can fix this.

You will get through this op.
Good luck.

Told Untruths to wife

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