Are you too hard on yourself?

Blush_01 · 19-06-2011 12:15AM #1

Are you too hard on yourself, and what would you consider someone being too hard on themselves?

I've been thinking about this a bit recently. At what point does a high expectation become too much?

baby and crumble · 19-06-2011 12:28AM

I'm way too hard on myself. I expect perfection from myself in pretty much everything I do. I'm annoyed that I don't have my thesis written already, I get angry with myself for not being able to do everything.

And the worst part? I know all this. I know if I was anyone else I'd tell them to cut themselves some slack. I just can't do that for myself. It's really bloody annoying actually.

Black Swan · 19-06-2011 01:31AM

Blush_01 wrote: »

I've been thinking about this a bit recently. At what point does a high expectation become too much?

Apologies for replying like a student (which I am), but the first thing that popped into my head was a normal distribution curve. The extreme left of the curve represents low expectations, the middle moderate expectations, and the extreme right too much expectations. There is a theory that suggests that moderate expectations are best to maximize your performance, whereas low expectations don't get you out of bed in the morning, and too high results in giving up before you start. Of course, the problem is attempting to identify what constitutes a moderate expectation (which can be very subjective and problematic). So a pretty picture to LOOK at, but perhaps fails to address fully your question.

Another problem with this distribution as it pertains to expectations, is that it changes as you increase your mastery; i.e., today's moderate expectation may be tomorrow's low, easy expectation, because you have mastered the challenge.

Yet another limitation about a statistical approach is that it needs several people (size matters in statistics, ha!), whereas finding the moderate level of expectation is an individual choice, which varies from person to person.

For those who would like to read more about this conceptual approach, Richard E Clark at the University of Southern California (USC) has done considerable research regarding what has been called the Zone of Tolerable Problemicity as pertains to expectations and performance.

booboo88 · 19-06-2011 02:54AM

"Never fear perfection, you'll never reach it"

Tipsygypsy · 19-06-2011 07:22AM

Yes... Im way too hard on myself, I find it very hard to deal with failure or disappointment and I push myself ridiculously hard to succeed or may opt out rather than risk not succeeding. Read this article on perfectionism recently and found it interesting, could my perfectionism/obsessive compulsive behaviour be resulting from low self-esteem? My husband says of all the people in the world, I do not have low self esteem (because Im so extroverted), but actually I do, and Im continually trying to prove myself. Anyway, enough about me....

http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/health/2011/0614/1224298853791.html

Blush_01 · 19-06-2011 11:04AM

I'm constantly being told to relax and that I'm too hard on myself, both in my personal and professional life. One of my housemates (who has known me for years) laughingly thinks I have mild OCD because I like things done in a certain order. But my house looks like a bomb site, I'm underachieving on my own goals at work, my time management in general is chronic and I don't see where these people are coming from.

It's nice to see other people's perspectives though, so that's pretty much why I've asked the question - why can't I see what they see?

I find myself getting really irritated by little things - like when people blissfully clap along with a song completely out of time and don't notice, or when cutlery doesn't match (wow, painting myself as a total freak!) - and I feel under pressure to not react in those situations, but I don't feel like I put enough pressure on myself on a daily basis to get things done. *shrugs*

Ickle Magoo · 19-06-2011 11:07AM

I swing between being too tough on myself and not being tough enough...

Princess Peach · 19-06-2011 11:17AM

My boyfriends only complaint about me is that I am too hard on myself. I tend to put a lot of blame of myself for things. I don't take compliments well at all, I tend not to believe them and kinda turn them around then when they are given. But I'm not sure how to deal with it.

Maybe I do put too much blame on myself, but I am far from a perfect person and I do make a lot of mistakes in my life.

And I still think people are often a bit over generous with their compliments. Especially my boyfriend. He always tells me how great I am, and how gorgeous I am but I really think he's just a bit bias.

I tried to work on this with counselors in the past and they really did give me a lot of perspective on my life, and I think I maybe have gotten a little better but I think its just a personality trait in me now and I don't know if I can break it. I just have an instant comeback to any compliment I get that kinda reverses it.

Eve_Dublin · 19-06-2011 12:13PM

With regards to reaching goals in my life, it's hard to tell if I'm too hard on myself and afraid of failure or am just very lazy.

I do take the blame in arguments though and I always presume I'm in the wrong. I tend to take things very personally and feel very guilty about situations that most people would take with a pinch of salt. I'm learning though.

Ophiopogon · 19-06-2011 12:38PM

I dunno I think in a way its a good thing to be tough with yourself. As in, only you know exactly how much effort you put into something so if its not working than at times you really only have yourself to blame.

I know I'm my own worst critic but also know that in the end I only really answer to myself so I think for me its healthy.

Lorri_L · 19-06-2011 01:45PM

I tend to be very hard on myself sometimes. But I'm a terrible procrastinator and although I'll be tough on myself for not doing something that would benefit me, it still doesn't make me do it.

Vicious cycle.

WesternNight · 19-06-2011 03:01PM

Lorri_L wrote: »

I tend to be very hard on myself sometimes. But I'm a terrible procrastinator and although I'll be tough on myself for not doing something that would benefit me, it still doesn't make me do it.

Vicious cycle.

This is me all too often as well. I'm improving on that in more recent times, but not as much as I'd like.

I'm not sure I'm hard on myself so much as I don't give myself enough of a chance to begin with. I tend to underestimate myself in a lot of areas of life, but I think it's a lot to do with covering myself so I don't get too disappointed if/when I don't do as well at something as I could. Like, if I really put everything into it and the results didn't reflect that, I think the disappointment would be much harder to handle.

It's only lately that I'm identifying this stuff in my habits, especially when it comes to college work. It's amazing how subconscious it can be..

Faith · 19-06-2011 03:14PM

I'm vicious about myself. If I make a mistake, no matter how small, I beat myself up furiously for at least the rest of the day. I just can't let it go.

During my exams, I'd sit at my desk for probably 9 hours a day, and I wouldn't be able to relax when I wasn't studying because I'd feel so bad about not doing any work.

I was wearing a lovely 50's style outfit yesterday with a belt around my waist that really emphasised my hourglass figure. Yet all I could think about was how I don't have a flat stomach and I must look like a whale (I'm a size 12, so realistically I know I'm not particularly fat, but I feel like I'm morbidly obese most of the time).

I could go on, but I'll sound really crazy. People are always telling me that I'm too hard on myself, or that I imagine things are way worse than they are (my belly, for example) but I don't think you can change that without a huge amount of work and probably a lot of therapy.

19-06-2011 03:49PM

zoegh wrote: »

I'm way too hard on myself. I expect perfection from myself in pretty much everything I do. I'm annoyed that I don't have my thesis written already, I get angry with myself for not being able to do everything.

And the worst part? I know all this. I know if I was anyone else I'd tell them to cut themselves some slack. I just can't do that for myself. It's really bloody annoying actually.

With the exception of the thesis part. This would be my reply!

G86 · 19-06-2011 04:09PM

I'm very hard on myself, but tbh I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing.

neuro-praxis · 19-06-2011 05:16PM

Failure is not an option. It's an inevitability. That's freeing. All I can be is me.

I used to be hard on myself but it was bad and hurtful and a waste of time and energy. Now I put my energy into enjoying and being good at things. What you focus on magnifies. So focus on what you like and what you're good at and it'll grow.

Another realisation that helped me was that I would never, ever speak to someone else the way I used to speak to myself. I knew then that it was time to start treating myself with kindness, compassion and respect.

19-06-2011 08:06PM

Yeah, way too hard on myself. I constantly beat myself up for not achieving more rather than congratulating myself for what I can do. I remember last year I was doing a full time Masters, working part time, doing language classes two evenings a week and fitting in my OH around that and still feeling so bad that I didn't make more time to go swimming or go to the gym. It's annoying never being able to feel relaxed and content.

Still, I also wouldn't want to be too easy on myself. That's almost worse, IMO (for your character). I just wish I could find a middle ground.

bluecatmorgana · 19-06-2011 09:40PM

Princess Peach wrote: »

My boyfriends only complaint about me is that I am too hard on myself. I tend to put a lot of blame of myself for things. I don't take compliments well at all, I tend not to believe them and kinda turn them around then when they are given. But I'm not sure how to deal with it.

Maybe I do put too much blame on myself, but I am far from a perfect person and I do make a lot of mistakes in my life.

And I still think people are often a bit over generous with their compliments. Especially my boyfriend. He always tells me how great I am, and how gorgeous I am but I really think he's just a bit bias.

I tried to work on this with counselors in the past and they really did give me a lot of perspective on my life, and I think I maybe have gotten a little better but I think its just a personality trait in me now and I don't know if I can break it. I just have an instant comeback to any compliment I get that kinda reverses it.

I used to be like that with compliments, always shrugging them off and actually believing people were deluded. I would actually have to bite my tongue and say thank you because I would often make the situation ridiculuous because I didnt believe them. With practice Ive actually improved but still have a way to go as I still dont believe them.

Malari · 20-06-2011 09:35AM

Hmm, I don't know if I'm hard on myself. But I'm not often good to myself. Well, I'm a lot better now, but I usually need a push or encouragement from someone to say "yes, get yourself that treat, you deserve it!" I deny myself a lot of things for no good reason.

Dudess · 20-06-2011 04:56PM

Definitely not, but I'm not lazy and apathetic either. I do have the usual body hang-ups, but so does nearly everyone else, and I balance this by being really happy with other parts of me. I might dislike some photographs of myself, but then again, same with most people. And then there are the photos I'm happy with, and the fact I'm overall fairly happy with how I look and I'm well versed in doing a good, subtle, natural-looking job with the aul' make-up. I can feel guilty all right though in terms of personal relationships - if I feel someone is upset, but otherwise I've a fairly "que sera sera" outlook. I can understand regrets and beating oneself up, but I've learned not to bother - it's pointless. Learn from it and avoid making the same mistake next time.

eternal · 20-06-2011 10:20PM

No words to describe how hard I am on myself.If I get 99% then Ill say ,I should have got 100%.
I think though it probobly made me want to better myself.A complete stranger even said to me I was too hard on myself.I dont know if irs looking for perfection because I dont believe such a thing exists.Humanity is flawed..Maybe its some kind of sick joke that we keep striving for something which doesnt exist.

coffeelover · 20-06-2011 10:23PM

I'm definitley too hard on myself

I always say I'm useless at everything and I'm gioing to fail things.
I've had many people tell me not to be too hard on myself!

Wolfe Tone · 20-06-2011 10:33PM

I used to be, but then I realized I was being hard on myself because of what others thought. I was pretty much doing things and setting really high goals not because I wanted to, but because of what others would think if I did bad.

Theres no point beating yourself up, others will do it for you.

Unfortunately these days I don't set myself goals, mostly because I don't know what I want. (I know what others expect of me, and want me to do, but thats a different story).

Kanoe · 21-06-2011 12:25AM

less so than I ever was. A few years ago I decided, facetiously, to marry myself. I got myself a ring and with a few friends testified to love honour and cherish myself and while doing it I realised that people will much more easily give those things to another but so rarely to themselves. From that day forward I do my best to do all those things, for me. I know better that I'd be cold in the grave before someone else could do it so well as me.

beks101 · 21-06-2011 12:48AM

Hells yeah. My own worst enemy. It's a funny one too, as I set such impossibly high standards for myself, that when I inevitably fall short on something, I spend so much time mentally berating and hating myself that it all goes out the window. All or nothing. Where 'all' is pretty much a physical impossibility.

I had a long skype chat with my Dad today though, that I think is going to help me with this. My older sister is very very mentally ill, and because she falls between the cracks in the (woeful) mental health system in Ireland, there's essentially nothing out there to help her and she lives at home with my folks. Who have a crap life taking care of her.

I sort of realised something. Life can be sh1t in the most spectacular, unpredictable and uncontrollable of ways. Why add unnecessarily to all the pain and suffering you will have to withstand, by treating yourself like a piece of dirt on your own shoe? Seriously, why do it? You wouldn't expect 100% inhuman perfection from anyone else, or much less crucify them for not living like an uber-efficient high-achieving saint all day every day, so why do it to yourself? We all need compassion. We all need respect. Most if not all of us here know, deep down, that we are good people. And life will be hard on all of us, making it all the more harder is a recipe for a long auld miserable existence.

PS Kanoe, you rock!

KyussBishop · 21-06-2011 05:33PM

I didn't think so, but am told I can apparently be quite hard on (i.e. overly critical of) myself socially; working on sorting problems I have socializing, due to past issues, so guess it ties into that.

Stheno · 21-06-2011 10:18PM

Black Swan wrote: »

Another problem with this distribution as it pertains to expectations, is that it changes as you increase your mastery; i.e., today's moderate expectation may be tomorrow's low, easy expectation, because you have mastered the challenge.

Yet another limitation about a statistical approach is that it needs several people (size matters in statistics, ha!), whereas finding the moderate level of expectation is an individual choice, which varies from person to person.

This would describe me, as I achieve more, I expect more of myself, and set myself new targets, and what I've achieved becomes "normal" as I've achieved it. I've got some decent qualifications, some of which are limited to very few people in the world when it comes to accreditations at the moment, but the fact I have it makes it achievable and something to move further on with. The next level is always there for me professionally, building on what I have.

Another factor for me is that where I work there are a lot of people who are very highly qualified in their fields, so while it isn't a big deal, it's acknowledged that people will or are expected to achieve. Plus there is a big culture from the top down in my company of acknowledging achievements by people, which is also followed through by staff.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I swing between being too tough on myself and not being tough enough...

I'd be the same particularly in the context above, but I do compensate by giving myself generous downtime, and realising I have to have a life and a balance I think.

So tl;dr I can be hard on myself, but I recognise that I need to chill out sometimes. So the housework gets abandoned, food is thrown together at the last minute etc.

I would like to be more organised at home, I find it hard to marry my professional self with my personal slobbish pig like self

Even my desk at work is tidy and orderly! Why the last weeks clothes are strewn around the bedroom (well the suits) as opposed to being hung up is beyond me

The bf describes me as very driven.

Busi_Girl08 · 22-06-2011 07:19PM

Short answer - YES.

Long answer - I have pretty low self confidence. I nearly always second guess myself (not as much since I moved to Dublin, since moving here, and since I've been working in this fantastic job, making great friends, and generally developing a social life I have felt myself become more and more confident in myself) and my abilities.

Sometimes I might make a little mistake, I'll mess up an email here, mess up/stumble over words in a phone call there, I might get a little comment from it from one of the girls at work, a little critique over it and they leave it at that, but I just beat myself up over it. I can obsess over things like this for days. Going over and over it in my head, thinking "If only I did that differently"..."What the hell was I thinking?! I'm such an idiot"

Even today, when I was freaking out a little over an e-mail I was about to send (worried that I was going to mess it up), my workmate turned to me and said "Hun, RELAX!" So, yeah. I need to work on that a little

Acacia · 22-06-2011 07:56PM

I think I used to be until very, very recently. I was always trying to be perfect and keep everyone around me happy, but it didn't matter about my own happiness. I had to be the perfect student, daughter , girlfriend and friend. And when I wasn't... well, the sh1t hit the proverbial and it got to the point where self-criticism turned into self-harm and suicidal thoughts...

I've probably swung a bit too far to the other side now. I'm maybe a bit too easy on myself, and just think "Feck other people. I'm just caring about me for now." I'm hoping I'll acheive a balance soon. I'm thinking of it as a learning curve.

Of course, I've lost a few people who think I've changed, etc. Because I have changed. I'll tell ya one thing though, it's easier to have somebody else a bit pissed off with you for a while than to be constantly loathing yourself. Took me awhile to figure that out.

LegacyUser · 22-06-2011 08:32PM

YES!

So for the last few years, I was working 11 hour days, 5 days a week. I pulled off a performance dip on the piano in that time (somehow.Don't ask me how) and balancing the OH. Beat myself mentally continuously for not spending enough time with my OH, not spending enough time in the gym, not being thin enough, eating too much chocolate (1 bar was "too much". Size 12 here), any teeny, tiny mistake I made at work grew to huge proportions in my head and actually caused me to lose sleep. I constantly compared myself to another person I worked with - he always came out on top (in my head).

Then I moved out of my parents house and in with my OH. Balanced that workload on top of washing, cleaning, cooking, the gym, a few hours for my parents every weekend, seeing a continuous stream of friends, and another musical instrument.

Twice it has all come crashing down around me. Once a few years ago, when panic attacks started due to the amount of pressure I was putting on myself to be everywhere all the time and do every thing perfectly. And again quite recently (only this time I recognised the signs), when I was unemployed. I had a constant mantra of "why can't you find a job, there's always someone better, you'll never be good enough, everyone else found a job much sooner after redundancy, you'll never earn a salary again" running through my head. Now I'm working again and I'm suffering serious guilt because my OH has to make his own dinner some evenings when I'm late, and I won't be able to do the grocery shopping on a friday night because of the location of my new workplace and....and...

It's tiring being me. I'm never good enough. And no matter what other people may say to me, it'll never be worse than what I say to myself. My OH thinks I'm WAY too hard on myself (and that I'm slightly nuts!!!).

It's good to know I'm not the only one!!!

Kya1976 · 23-06-2011 06:43AM

I'd have to say no, I'd let myself away with murder if I could....
Don't know if that's good or bad. I know I used to be fairly hard on myself but it has changed in the last few years.

The Sweeper · 24-06-2011 02:32AM

The straight answer is I don't know. I don't feel like I'm hard enough on myself, and often think 'could do better' in a 'no gold star for me, see me after class' sort of way. However when I rack up what I do and what I'm up against, it sounds like a lot, but I can't get perspective on it.

To give you an idea:

In the last 11 months, my father died suddenly. I spent five weeks in Ireland trying to completely organise my mother's life so she could be on her own but still have support and contact and family. I returned to Australia. My husband was accepted into the army with an intake date in October. So I applied for a job and got accepted for interview, and did the interview for the job the same day of my husband's intake.

I got the job, which moved me from part time to full time, and tripled my wages, so started two weeks after OH entered the defence forces. I then spent 15 weeks on my own looking after our household and our seven pets while OH was in basic training, working five days a week and studying for a final exam in a self-funded course I was doing outside of work. In this 15 weeks I put approximately 500kms a week on the car, travelling for work.

February, husband finished basic training and I orientated three new staff in my job. Passed my exam. Husband relocated, still not living at home, still on my own (but he's home weekends now.) Signed up for next phase of self-funded course, which is 8 hours a week with an assignment every 10 days, up to final exam in November this year. With presence of new staff, now put only 250kms a week on the car.

March - May, work, drive, juggle household, wrestle job, study course.
June: change focus to impending first anniversary of father's death, begin to feel overwhelmed a little, but refuse to push course to longer timetable and just keep on keeping on.

Important to get course exam in November, because OH will be posted in Nov, so will have to consider selling/renting house and relocating, finding new job and moving seven pets to new accommodation in different state. Course important to potential job hunt. Have started some research planning already but it's not underway yet.

If I tell people I'm not sure that I'm coping too well, they give me a pat and tell me I'll be fine. I don't know why they do that. Do I need to dissolve in hysterics before they accept that I'm not making it up? Maybe that's why I can't get any perspective on whether or not I'm too hard on myself.

24-06-2011 08:31AM

Don't know... not really I suppose

the sweeper wrote:

If I tell people I'm not sure that I'm coping too well, they give me a pat and tell me I'll be fine. I don't know why they do that.

I would say they haven't a clue what to say so that's the best they can do

Wibbs · 24-06-2011 09:16AM

bluewolf wrote: »

I would say they haven't a clue what to say so that's the best they can do

Or they have their own stuff and really don't want to get involved, or they don't care.

Jesus Sweeper that's a helluva lot of changes in such a short time. :eek: Oh and yea, FWIW and FYI if you're not dancing around with a glass of vino late at night singing at the top of your voice "I am fcukin brilliant, I am fcukin brilliant", yep you are being hard on yourself.

24-06-2011 09:17AM

Wibbs wrote: »

Or they have their own stuff and really don't want to get involved, or they don't care.

I was trying to be reassuring for once in my life, the poor woman :pac:

Dolbert · 24-06-2011 10:52AM

Kya1976 wrote: »

I'd have to say no, I'd let myself away with murder if I could....
Don't know if that's good or bad. I know I used to be fairly hard on myself but it has changed in the last few years.

This! I am not hard on myself at all, life's too short. It can be hard to strike a balance between easy on yourself and just selfish though - I am concious of it.

Blush_01 · 24-06-2011 11:23PM

Wow, The Sweeper's situation puts mine in perspective. I thought I had had a pretty hectic 6 months!

I just can't help feeling like I've accomplished nothing to date and need to get a move on, but it's a bit like I'm rudderless because I want to achieve so many things and I'm almost paralysed by my own expectations. I feel like I'm pushing myself and punishing myself daily for not getting anywhere because I'm so busy pushing myself in my new job and to do what I have on my plate as well as possible, and all I ever achieve is mediocrity (at best). I dunno.

Stargazer7 · 25-06-2011 09:47PM

In my mind I would say no but I know in reality (after much self analysis:rolleyes:) that I most definitely am. I have a knack of worrying myself sick in the literal sense so I have to really try to rein it in as much as I can.

I also have a terrible habit of setting almost unobtainable goals and when I do reach some of them I have no interest in taking any pleasure from it. Fear of failure drives me. I know I'm doing it now but I still can't stop it. For instance I just recently got my final year college results and got top of the class plus a first...after taking a year out last year as the pressure was getting all too much. Now all I can do is panic about what the right course to take is - job or PhD or masters or switching disciplines altogether! Most days I wake up with a sense of dread as I feel like I'm underachieving - not working hard enough looking for jobs or putting myself out there.

So yeah, in short I think I'm a total head wreck :pac:

Hugs and sympathy to all those in a similar headspace....I know you won't believe me but you're doing great x

bluecatmorgana · 25-06-2011 10:16PM

Wow, after reading through this thread I would think that most people are way to hard on themselves and doing far too much in too short a time. It is however said that the busiest people are the ones to ask for a favour because they are the ones who will get it done.

People seriously be easier on yourselves, you are not super girl, or at least you are not supposed to be moving at the speed of light.

I used to be hard on myself but after my mental breakdown and realising I was mentally ill I learned to remove stress from my life and be gentle with myself, well at least with my timetable. Also a change in medication did a lot to help me slow down and not be so analytic on myself.

,mnb · 20-09-2012 12:37PM

Yes. Ive always been hard on myself. Really interested to read the other posts. When I was 17 I wrote a promise to myself to be less hard on myself. 20 years later I havent really implemented that. Its a major reason I got anxiety and depression sometimes.

Viper_JB · 20-09-2012 01:45PM

Thread reminds me of this article I was reading reciently, I've always judged myself rather harshly, I've never really viewed it as a negative though as it can give you some extra motivation, but it's an interesting read I'm from a "Broken Home" as such so they could possibly be related. Don't like calling it a broken home though always seemed normal to me

.

Catari Jaguar · 20-09-2012 04:19PM

I've been told that I "torment" myself... and I'm an over thinker. It's a horrible combination. Nothing I ever do is good enough and I always have way too many balls in the air. Try to please everyone. I know it upsets people that care about me to hear me run myself down, but I grew up in a home with a lot of comparisons and high expectations, shame in failure etc. Was even criticised for lacking confidence and hiding my light under a bushel. Ironic. I guess as an adult I'm the only one now who'll kick my ass. I feel guilty if I feel proud, and need a lot of reassurance.

The Big Red Button · 22-09-2012 02:06PM

I can be, yeah.

The past few years, I was working with a firm where employees are very much encouraged to be hard on themselves, to constantly surpass targets and expectations and continuously improve.

Which is obviously a really great culture to work in, for most people. It just did not suit me. The problem was that, from the very start, when most people I started with were messing around and taking it easy, I dived straight in to the work and made loads of progress really quickly. Got great feedback and tougher targets, which I kept meeting. It was like, I'd be given a job with ten days to do it. I'd work 12-hour days and be finished the job in four days. The managers would be delighted, and then give me two tougher jobs to complete within the next six days. And I'd always do whatever I had to do to meet the deadline.

It was a job where overtime was very much expected - 12-hour days were absolutely the norm. The thing was, while others would come in and do a 12-hour easy day with plenty of breaks, I'd be focussed and driven and working flat-out for every minute of the day. My health suffered a lot because of this, in the end.

I'm in a job now, which is challenging and has plenty of responsibility - but absolutely no overtime is expected or encouraged. It's a great job, and yes there are deadlines and targets, but it's all very realistic and manageable and doable. It's actually great that you pretty much have to leave the office at 5.30 in the evenings, I can switch off and focus on having a life outside of work for a change.

I'm only in the job a week, but I love it already.

I'm hard on myself, too, in that I'm a perfectionist, and if I'm going to do something, it has to be done perfectly right, or not at all! But you know, at least I recognise it, and I'm definitely working on it.

Leaving my job was the big massive change that I needed to make - best decision I ever made! I sort of feel like, I can be hard enough on myself already - last thing I needed was a job which added to the massively unrealistic expectations!

syjg18 · 20-11-2012 05:00AM

I know the feeling. I think I'm a perfectionist. That makes me very hard on myself.

LeeHoffmann · 20-11-2012 03:30PM

I think I´m too hard on myself. I expect more from myself than I do from others, and I concentrate on the tiniest imperfection even when everything else was brilliant. Is that unusual though? I would have thought that was normal.

I think you can achieve more etc when you´re too hard on yourself but you usually end up running yourself into the ground and getting needlessly stressed out (even to the point of making yourself ill). Other people take you for granted and you end up carrying the whole team. So I don´t think it´s worth it...why do we do it then? Probably because we were set too high standards in our childhoods and only perfection was noteworthy etc etc. I´m not sure if it´s possible (for me) to change this. Maybe it´s just a question of shifting focus - i.e. of forcing ourselves to concentrate on the good and filter out the bad.

mud · 21-11-2012 02:51PM

I think I'm subconsciously hard on myself and that causes me problems with anxiety.

I don't think I'm under pressure and think that everything is grand and suddenly BAM it'll hit me like a train the amount of things going on that I have to cope with. (college/money/work/relationships/etc)

I find making sure I have at least half an hour to an hour to myself to walk/dance/whatever helps keep a lid on the stresses.

mise_me · 04-11-2014 05:54PM

Hi
I have read through this thread and realise it's abit old but going to ask the question -
would people have suggestions on ways to be less hard on one self?

I'm very hard on myself and to be honest I'm really sick of it now.

Thnaks

mise_me · 04-11-2014 05:56PM

Hi
I have read through this thread and realise the thread hasn't been updated/ replied too in a few years but going to post a question -
would people have suggestions on ways to be less hard on one self?

I'm very hard on myself and to be honest I'm really sick of it now.

Thnaks

mise_me · 17-12-2017 05:40PM

Any suggestions would be great - try and reactivate the thread with the motto being 'ways to be not be so on hard on one self'

dellas1979 · 17-12-2017 10:49PM

Its funny how we seek love from others (be it from family, a gf/bf, a pet!) and treat people we love with tenderness and consideration.

But yet most individuals find it very hard to show themselves love, tenderness, consideration, compassion.

I sort of believe its the way we are rared. A lot of behaviour is learned. Including not liking ourselves or never feeling enough. And behaviour can be relearned.

It takes time, patience, awareness, and a want to treat your ownself better. Its not something you just wake up with one morning. Kindness to yourself is something youve to work at.

So, try do at least one kind thing for yourself every day. I dont mean go off and buy make up and things. I mean, something internal. Maybe acknowledging youre not ok with a situation. Maybe speaking up. Maybe being emphatic towards yourself if something goes wrong.

Hopefully maybe that answers a bit of the question anyways ;-)

Lorelli! · 18-12-2017 10:27AM

I can be quite hard on myself. Often take too much work on. I remember working in a place where it was just me and another girl working on a project. We had a huge backlog and where, for example I was getting 50 reports done, she was getting under 10. I was getting stressed though from too much work so I just had to recognize it and take it a bit more easy.

I use to be very hard on myself especially when I was a teenager. My friends mother said to me one day "why do you keep putting yourself down?" I took notice of that and i stopped. Prior to that there were a group of lads that were my peers who I found out were saying that I was vain and loved myself.

You can't really win with a lot of people so you just have to set your own standards and boundaries that you are comfortable with yourself. Don't take on too much and learn to accept yourself and your flaws.

Are you too hard on yourself?

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