Sexual incompatibility

LegacyUser · 20-07-2011 9:14pm #1

Hi,

Have had a bit of a problem for the past while and figured I might as well see if anyone has any ideas as to what to do about it. My girlfriend and I have been together for several years, and for the first year or so the sex was fantastic; after that, her sex drive declined sharply. At this point, I think we've had sex maybe twice in the past year, and fooled around maybe ten times. It's been like this for a long time, through different jobs and living situations, and because my sex drive is very high (I'd happily go for it two or three times a day) I find it quite difficult. At this point I'm regularly using pornography, which I don't feel entirely comfortable with, and I try to avoid getting drunk because I'm not sure I trust myself to behave. I've tried numerous things to see if they make a difference - I've moved closer, I've taken up running and football to drop weight and get leaner, and various other things. None of them have worked for any longer than a single day.

She says her sex drive simply isn't there the vast majority of the time anymore, and hasn't been for a long time. It gets to me, not least because everything else about the relationship is great - I love her to bits, I could easily see myself spending the rest of my life with her. Except for this problem. I don't know how it's going to impact on us as we go on (how things will go if and when we move in together, whether I'll ever get used to the lack of sex), and it worries me, because I don't want a relationship to fall apart over my sex drive.

What do you do in this situation?

I am a friend · 20-07-2011 9:45pm

Dontwanttosaywho wrote: »

I don't want a relationship to fall apart over my sex drive.

Its not falling apart because of your sex life, its falling apart because of hers (or lack thereof)...

Having sex twice a year is back to practically being friends. Has she given a reason for her lack of interest?

TBH, a long term relationship with no sex would not interest me on any level. Sex is what differentiates friends from partners... If this isnt sorted, dont even consider taking any more serious steps with this relationship. No sex is a deal breaker for me and given your high sex drive, it should be for you too....

20-07-2011 9:55pm

Does she initiate any physical contact at all? has she changed hormonal contaception? would she be happy continuing on with no sex forever being friends? how does she react when you say you're unhappy about it, does she care?
you've tried so many things, what has she tried?

Dontwanttosaywho wrote: »

because I don't want a relationship to fall apart over my sex drive.

Please don't take it as some kind of problem on your behalf, it's just a difference. Well "just", it's a big one, but it's not like you are to blame for something.

Miss Fluff · 20-07-2011 9:57pm

Couldn't agree more. This girl is your FRIEND OP, people in a happy relationship have regular fulfilling sex lives. While sex drive can vary in partners and an element of compromise is required, twice a year is not a compromise. That's torture.

Like you I could happily have it twice or three times a day. And if my partner saw fit to have sex twice in a year then that is totally unfair and unsustainable. I wouldn't and couldn't put up with it. It's not normal.

How can you even be thinking of committing and spending your life with this girl when one of the most fundamental parts of a loving relationship is non-existent?

Right now this woman is a friend who you happen to love as far as I'm concerned. And unless you get this issue sorted then it is doomed. Sorry to be blunt but that's an inevitability tbh.....

LegacyUser · 20-07-2011 10:12pm

OP, you have a problem on your hands and it's not your sex drive which is causing the problem. The loss of your girlfriend's sex drive may be caused by all sorts of factors, some hormonal which can be treated but it may also be caused by you. There is a small chance that she no longer finds you attractive, Apologies if that hurts your feelings, it's not intended to, but you may have changed physically to the point where you don't do it for her anymore. Other factors include tiredness, harmony within the relationship, the mundane act of simply living together, putting the bins out, cooking, washing etc....doing your share of the chores, these can all influence the "attractiveness factor" of someone.
Before you do anything drastic I suggest you have a serious chat with your girlfriend and explain that the lack of intimacy is a large issue for you within the relationship and for her not to take it personally but to address it as a couple and go for some therapy or counselling. A good starting place would be with your GP and attend as a couple.

If she refuses to attend and indicates that no matter what you change about yourself that the loss of sex drive will remain then you have a serious problem on your hands......you can't stay in a sexless relationship if you have a strong sex drive, you'll end up either cheating or suffering from depression.

nicechick! · 20-07-2011 10:51pm

Dontwanttosaywho wrote: »

Hi,

Have had a bit of a problem for the past while and figured I might as well see if anyone has any ideas as to what to do about it. My girlfriend and I have been together for several years, and for the first year or so the sex was fantastic; after that, her sex drive declined sharply. At this point, I think we've had sex maybe twice in the past year, and fooled around maybe ten times. It's been like this for a long time, through different jobs and living situations, and because my sex drive is very high (I'd happily go for it two or three times a day) I find it quite difficult. At this point I'm regularly using pornography, which I don't feel entirely comfortable with, and I try to avoid getting drunk because I'm not sure I trust myself to behave. I've tried numerous things to see if they make a difference - I've moved closer, I've taken up running and football to drop weight and get leaner, and various other things. None of them have worked for any longer than a single day.

She says her sex drive simply isn't there the vast majority of the time anymore, and hasn't been for a long time. It gets to me, not least because everything else about the relationship is great - I love her to bits, I could easily see myself spending the rest of my life with her. Except for this problem. I don't know how it's going to impact on us as we go on (how things will go if and when we move in together, whether I'll ever get used to the lack of sex), and it worries me, because I don't want a relationship to fall apart over my sex drive.

What do you do in this situation?

Communication! You need to broach this subject with her though you don't want this relationship to fall apart would you rather live in a sexless relationship? Though for many couples frequency may lessen twice a year does not fit, why the sudden lack of interest when you obviously have enjoyed a passionate intimacy in the past so this suggests she obviously enjoyed herself! is it stress, depression or is it something that you may not want to hear!!

lace · 20-07-2011 10:52pm

Hi OP!

You need to sit down and have a serious talk with her.

If her libido has changed drastically and she actually lacks any sex drive at all - as she says she does - then she needs to visit her GP and have a chat about it because it's not healthy and not normal.

The first year of a relationship is always the honeymoon period where things are hot and heavy and exciting and it's normal for thing to calm down a little. It's not normal for sex to almost completely disappear.

It could well be that she doesn't know herself why she's lost her mojo. This may be distressing her as much as it is you. But, imo, if she saw it as a problem I'd have expected her to do something about it before now.

How does she react when you talk to her about it? Is she concerned and upset by it or does she see it as unimportant or something that's not really her problem? Does she seem willing to try to rekindle your sex life together or is she just resigned to the fact that her sex drive is just gone?

As other posters have said - at this point is it really a romantic relationship if one of the partners isn't really interested in the other in a physical sense?

I know you love this woman, OP, but can you really see yourself being able to live in a relationship where sex only happens twice a year? Is porn going to be enough to satisfy for you for the rest of your life? Are you going to be able to resist the temptation to get elsewhere the sex you're not getting at home?

You need to talk to your OH and think very carefully before you consider taking this relationship any further.

Lon Dubh · 20-07-2011 10:59pm

Is she on the Pill? Sometimes it can kill off sex-drive. Or as someone else has said she might be depressed or something.

Distorted · 21-07-2011 9:10am

I must admit in past posts on this subject, where people have complained of only having sex maybe twice a week in long term relationships, I haven't been all that sympathetic. But twice a year! A couple of years into the relationship! Thats no good, as you are not going to be having enough physical contact to bind you together in a romantic sense.

My first inclinations would be something physical or mental that has resulted in this massive drop in libido on her part. The pill can do strange things to sex drive. Is she very overweight, or suffering from some kind of illness? Have you even put on a lot of weight?

That excluded, as said above, you really do need to have a discussion with her about this. If theres no good reason for it, it boils down to her not making enough effort in the relationship. And thats no good only 2 years in.

trio · 21-07-2011 9:40am

Yeah, speaking as a girl, it's not your sex drive that you should be anxious about. You have an air of mea culpa in your "my sex drive is very high" and I don't think this problem has anything to do with that at all.

I very much doubt you actually expect any partner to have sex with you twice or three times a day in reality, so stop feeling like that's somehow a contributing factor.

You are in a non-sexual relationship. That is sometimes defined as sex less than 10 times a year. Now, personally, if somebody had five kids under five and were having sex only 10 times a year I wouldn't be that suprised and would give them a bit of a break.

But you have no kids and have had sex only twice (tbh the "fooling around" stuff doesn't really count as it came to nothing, which must've been stressful for you). You are by anyone's definition, living in a non-sexual relationship.

There was a poster here once who I'll never forget, who had been married for three years and had not yet consummated the marriage, because his wife kept making excuses. We were all shocked that he hadn't taken matters in hand long ago, and forced her to sit down and face reality - that it was NOT ok, and that she was going to lose him. And that he wasn't some nymphomaniac because he believed their relationship should be sexual.

But his response was that he loved her too much to put pressure on her, that talking like that to her would make him feel like the bad guy - basically he was too kind. And instead he was spending hours at the gym trying to burn off his libido.

You too, are scared of being the bad guy. You're scared that she'll turn around and say you're being unreasonable. When it is not unreasonable to want to be in a sexual relationship with the woman you're living with. You're scared she'll make you feel like a nympho, because you have this kind of "guilty secret" that you have a very high sex drive indeed.

I'm afraid there is only one solution to this - a sit down, have it out, get it all out in the open TALK. But don't go on about "2 or 3 times a day". You'll scare the bejaysus out of her, and let's face it, all you want is SOME regular sex life, not a shag on every tea break!

So, say you have the talk and she agrees that she will start having sex again - what next? You schedule sex. Once a week, try. Yes, it sounds horrifically unspontaeneous, but your relationship will never be sexually spontaeneous and you have to be grown up to swallow that fact.

Allow her to choose the time of the day - some people just want to sleep at night. She may prefer a Sunday afternoon. That's fine.

But it has to be very VERY clear.

jester77 · 21-07-2011 11:03am

trio wrote: »

Yeah, speaking as a girl, it's not your sex drive that you should be anxious about. You have an air of mea culpa in your "my sex drive is very high" and I don't think this problem has anything to do with that at all.

I very much doubt you actually expect any partner to have sex with you twice or three times a day in reality, so stop feeling like that's somehow a contributing factor.

You are in a non-sexual relationship. That is sometimes defined as sex less than 10 times a year. Now, personally, if somebody had five kids under five and were having sex only 10 times a year I wouldn't be that suprised and would give them a bit of a break.

But you have no kids and have had sex only twice (tbh the "fooling around" stuff doesn't really count as it came to nothing, which must've been stressful for you). You are by anyone's definition, living in a non-sexual relationship.

There was a poster here once who I'll never forget, who had been married for three years and had not yet consummated the marriage, because his wife kept making excuses. We were all shocked that he hadn't taken matters in hand long ago, and forced her to sit down and face reality - that it was NOT ok, and that she was going to lose him. And that he wasn't some nymphomaniac because he believed their relationship should be sexual.

But his response was that he loved her too much to put pressure on her, that talking like that to her would make him feel like the bad guy - basically he was too kind. And instead he was spending hours at the gym trying to burn off his libido.

You too, are scared of being the bad guy. You're scared that she'll turn around and say you're being unreasonable. When it is not unreasonable to want to be in a sexual relationship with the woman you're living with. You're scared she'll make you feel like a nympho, because you have this kind of "guilty secret" that you have a very high sex drive indeed.

I'm afraid there is only one solution to this - a sit down, have it out, get it all out in the open TALK. But don't go on about "2 or 3 times a day". You'll scare the bejaysus out of her, and let's face it, all you want is SOME regular sex life, not a shag on every tea break!

So, say you have the talk and she agrees that she will start having sex again - what next? You schedule sex. Once a week, try. Yes, it sounds horrifically unspontaeneous, but your relationship will never be sexually spontaeneous and you have to be grown up to swallow that fact.

Allow her to choose the time of the day - some people just want to sleep at night. She may prefer a Sunday afternoon. That's fine.

But it has to be very VERY clear.

I agree with this up to the last point. Sex is about fun and scheduling it makes it almost like a transaction or a meeting of sort. I know I would not be happy if the other person was only having sex with me just to make me happy. I don't think I could partake knowing they are not enjoying it and only doing it out of a sense of duty.

There definitely needs to be some communication, both of you need to sit down and let everything out. Something obviously triggered the change as it was not like this from the start. This is the key to helping you both out.

gerryk · 25-07-2011 10:17am

As someone who suffered a diminished sex-drive for a while, it's important to make the effort. Sex-drive is a function of lifestyle, and incorporates a feedback mechanism, whereby, the more you get, the more you want it.
We are chemically programmed to bond over sexual activity, through the release of hormones like oxytocin. Having an orgasm while looking into the eyes of your partner is not just about forming emotional bonds, but it actually imprints on us on a much deeper level due to this programming. Regular sex is a necessary part of a long term relationship.
Sometimes we don't feel like it, but if we just go with the flow, next think you know, we feel horny as anything as are dying for a shag.

To revisit the lifestyle thing... stuff like exercise, especially (for me) working in the garden with my wife really gets us both in the mood. Not sure why... the exertion is obviously part of it, and the partnership aspect too.

It's important too, to realise what your partners triggers are. She might not be a quick responder. She might require a day of seduction to properly get her in the mood. She may be feeling burdened by life-stuff, which I can totally relate to. Maybe 2 years ago, when the arse fell out of my world work and income-wise, I had zero interest in sex, but I learned to put that stuff in a box where it didn't affect my life day to day, and things are far better now.

Sexual incompatibility

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