Love my bf, infatuated with new guy

LegacyUser · 16-10-2011 08:04PM #1

Okay, this post is probably way too long considering how trivial the problem is. I know there are more serious threads here deserving of replies, so I apologize in advance. Anyway,

Background:

I’m female, in my third year of college, have a great boyfriend who I’ve been with for three years. He moved to England this year so we only get to see each other occasionally. We agreed to continue the relationship since we love each other and are pretty serious. We’re talking this is the guy I can see myself spending the rest of my life with. In the whole three years of our relationship I’ve honestly never been attracted to any other guys. Until now… (dun dun dun)

The issue:

A couple of weeks ago I met a guy, we’ll call him Bob (original, right?). Bob and I spent ages chatting and hit it off really well. He’s funny, smart, polite, we have loads in common interests-wise. Since then we’ve bumped into each other a few times, one of those times at a pub where we had a great time just talking about various things.

Now I can’t seem to get him out of my head. I’ve lost my appetite and am having trouble sleeping because I’m always thinking about him. It’s bordering on obsession! And I know I’m getting ahead of myself… For one thing he has a girlfriend, and I don’t even have his number. That said, I think he likes me too (he shows all the signs). I don’t know what I’m expecting, really. Whenever I see him my heart starts racing, I start sweating, I blush and I become extremely self-conscious. I’m worse than a lovesick teenager!

I’m not usually the type to obsess over guys or get self-conscious. I have plenty of male friends. But there’s just something about Bob I really like…

So basically I feel terrible about this and I don‘t know what to do. It would absolutely crush my boyfriend if he knew and he would likely break up with me. I really don’t want that, but if I were in his position I’d want to know… At the same time, I’m pretty certain that nothing will happen with Bob so I don’t really have anything to worry about.
I need some opinions here. Does my boyfriend have a right to know? And how do I deal with my infatuation with Bob??

KMM · 16-10-2011 10:21PM

Your having such a similar issue as I am. I've been with my bf 4 years and recently moved away to go back to college. But I've met this guy (who also has a gf) and I just can't get him out of my head.This other guy, lets call him Jack (!), asked me one night when we were all out if I fancied him and I said yes! Doh! Nothing has happened and I doubt it will either. But I don't know what to do......

Maybe, it's best to say nothing for now. As if it is just a harmless crush, saying it to our bf's will just cause hurt for nothing. At the end of the day we haven't actually done anything wrong. But then there is this guilt that hangs over....

I doubt anything I just said is going to help, but it is nice to know I'm not the only one going through it

LegacyUser · 16-10-2011 10:36PM

The situation isn't extremely common so it does help to know someone else is going through it!

I suppose I should try looking at this as a “harmless crush” instead of letting myself get so carried away!

Zen65 · 16-10-2011 11:32PM

crocodile23 wrote: »

I need some opinions here. Does my boyfriend have a right to know? And how do I deal with my infatuation with Bob??

What is it that you think your boyfriend needs to know? That you have met somebody else that you find attractive? Beyond that there is nothing to tell, and it is largely up to you to keep it that way, if you wish. Bob already has a girlfriend, so there's no reason to suspect that anything will ever happen between the two of you.

The reality of long-distance relationships is that this sort of thing happens. You need to decide whether or not your current relationship is serious enough to merit enduring feelings such as this periodically without acting on them. The next "Bob" may be single, and that will be harder to deal with.

As for how to deal with your infatuation..... in reality it will probably pass. In time you will see Bob as being less of an interesting option as you learn more about him. If you get the chance to meet up with your boyfriend your feelings for Bob should probably fade. If they don't, well that's another issue.

Be at peace,

Z

floorpie · 17-10-2011 12:49AM

Sorry if this all comes across as a little dry, but, it's absolutely normal to have these infatuations during *any* relationship, not just long distance ones. And not even in a pseudo-philosophical sense, there's a whole bunch of studies with animal models that describe the changes in dopamine levels around a new potential mate - it's a normal semi-unavoidable part of our biology.

If you think that it's *not* normal to have a crush, you're possibly more likely to rationalise the infatuation as meaning something that it doesn't, e.g. "it must mean i don't love my partner", "it must mean i like this new guy more" etc, which isn't true at all, and which could potentially be even more destructive to the real relationship than just having tummy butterflies around some guy.

Another important thing to accept is that your brain is *so* stupid and primal and automatic in situations like this, so don't put yourself in risky situations with Bob where you've to rely on the power of will, or thinking that you love your partner so nothing will surely happen. I'm not saying that you would, but that old brain is really very tricky.

If you can get your infatuation under control i personally don't think your boyfriend needs to know.

LegacyUser · 18-10-2011 02:57PM

What is it that you think your boyfriend needs to know? That you have met somebody else that you find attractive?

Well, yes I suppose so. I would want to know if it were me in that position. But maybe that’s my problem. As floor pie said, these feelings are completely normal. So why do I get so hung up about it? Perhaps it’s a projection of my own insecurity and possessiveness… I wouldn’t know since my boyfriend has always been faithful to me and I’ve never been worried about him being attracted to other women.

I am trying to look at it rationally. You are right that I’m probably idealizing Bob. I hardly know him and we’ve only talked a couple of times, however special they were.

Thanks loads for the replies, guys! I guess what I needed most was to talk to people about this, so I get a rational perspective and don’t jump to my own stupid conclusions. I saw him again today and the nerves kicked in big time, heart started racing, etc etc. I still can't stop thinking about him!

floorpie · 18-10-2011 08:49PM

crocodile23 wrote: »

Well, yes I suppose so. I would want to know if it were me in that position. But maybe that’s my problem. As floor pie said, these feelings are completely normal. So why do I get so hung up about it? Perhaps it’s a projection of my own insecurity and possessiveness… I wouldn’t know since my boyfriend has always been faithful to me and I’ve never been worried about him being attracted to other women.

I am trying to look at it rationally. You are right that I’m probably idealizing Bob. I hardly know him and we’ve only talked a couple of times, however special they were.

Thanks loads for the replies, guys! I guess what I needed most was to talk to people about this, so I get a rational perspective and don’t jump to my own stupid conclusions. I saw him again today and the nerves kicked in big time, heart started racing, etc etc. I still can't stop thinking about him!

Just to be clear about what i was saying, the feelings of infatuation are completely normal, but it's not acceptable to *explore* them, unless it's somehow agreed upon in your relationship, while keeping it secret from your boyfriend. My point was that they're normal feelings, the heart racing is normal etc, but if you persist in putting yourself into situations where those feelings keep getting aroused, then you're jumping a very big mental and physical hurdle that shouldn't be jumped if you want to stay faithful.

So I presume you mean that you accidentally 'saw him today', right?

parrai · 20-10-2011 01:41AM

crocodile23 wrote: »

Well, yes I suppose so. I would want to know if it were me in that position. But maybe that’s my problem. As floor pie said, these feelings are completely normal. So why do I get so hung up about it? Perhaps it’s a projection of my own insecurity and possessiveness… I wouldn’t know since my boyfriend has always been faithful to me and I’ve never been worried about him being attracted to other women.

I am trying to look at it rationally. You are right that I’m probably idealizing Bob. I hardly know him and we’ve only talked a couple of times, however special they were.

Thanks loads for the replies, guys! I guess what I needed most was to talk to people about this, so I get a rational perspective and don’t jump to my own stupid conclusions. I saw him again today and the nerves kicked in big time, heart started racing, etc etc. I still can't stop thinking about him!

I think there you have answered you own question...

I also think you would like something to happen between yourself and Bob, and this is making you feel guilty about this...subconsciously... I don't mean to sound mean.

It's difficult to have a long distance relationship, and this isn't helping. It may be a sign that your relationship is coming full circle, (even though I know you feel he is 'The One')

Love my bf, infatuated with new guy

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