insecure about new relationship

LegacyUser · 05-12-2011 09:12PM #1

Hey all!!
so i've been seeing this fella just over a month now

until i met him, hadnt a boyf in 3 years, scored few guys but nothing serious and last boyf didnt last too long anyway.

anyway i really like this guy, we get on well ever since we met at mutual friends wedding 4/5 weeks ago. He initiated all, it was end of wedding night when i met him, had great day so was on high and he was only at afters so hadnt seen him..
I was totally myself when i was speaking to him first (after him having me dancing) because i was wrecked and not bothered about making effort at that stage, was happy with how day/night went .. so in residents bar chatting for hours where he kissed me too, said he wanted to see me again etc etc.. took my number.

anyway trying to make this short, we seem to be "official", but when i'm not with him, i'm wondering What is he playing at, why would he like me? when we're together, its great, im confident with him..
we're on phone speaking every day, sometimes more than once, meeting up twice weekly since met, have met some his family - not purposely but at event they at..

is this normal to be this insecure, cos its been a month now and i'm wondering about xmas and then i worry What if he goes off me by then.
he has mentioned xmas/ new year, what im doing etc..

dunno what im asking , more just ranting.
Im 27 not 15 (believe it or not) , he's 38..

BraziliaNZ · 05-12-2011 10:20PM

IrishAlly wrote: »

Hey all!!
so i've been seeing this fella just over a month now

until i met him, hadnt a boyf in 3 years, scored few guys but nothing serious and last boyf didnt last too long anyway.

anyway i really like this guy, we get on well ever since we met at mutual friends wedding 4/5 weeks ago. He initiated all, it was end of wedding night when i met him, had great day so was on high and he was only at afters so hadnt seen him..
I was totally myself when i was speaking to him first (after him having me dancing) because i was wrecked and not bothered about making effort at that stage, was happy with how day/night went .. so in residents bar chatting for hours where he kissed me too, said he wanted to see me again etc etc.. took my number.

anyway trying to make this short, we seem to be "official", but when i'm not with him, i'm wondering What is he playing at, why would he like me? when we're together, its great, im confident with him..
we're on phone speaking every day, sometimes more than once, meeting up twice weekly since met, have met some his family - not purposely but at event they at..

is this normal to be this insecure, cos its been a month now and i'm wondering about xmas and then i worry What if he goes off me by then.
he has mentioned xmas/ new year, what im doing etc..

dunno what im asking , more just ranting.
Im 27 not 15 (believe it or not) , he's 38..

Sounds like you've no reason to be insecure really. It can happen though that you don't think you're enough for someone, so you need to change that attitude or you will push him away, mark my words.
Don't put all your hopes in this guy because having a partner isn't the be all and end all of life. A mistake we make is that we think someone is our salvation, but trust me they're not.
Just enjoy your life and enjoy him.

OldNotWIse · 06-12-2011 03:10PM

IrishAlly wrote: »

Hey all!!
so i've been seeing this fella just over a month now

until i met him, hadnt a boyf in 3 years, scored few guys but nothing serious and last boyf didnt last too long anyway.

anyway i really like this guy, we get on well ever since we met at mutual friends wedding 4/5 weeks ago. He initiated all, it was end of wedding night when i met him, had great day so was on high and he was only at afters so hadnt seen him..
I was totally myself when i was speaking to him first (after him having me dancing) because i was wrecked and not bothered about making effort at that stage, was happy with how day/night went .. so in residents bar chatting for hours where he kissed me too, said he wanted to see me again etc etc.. took my number.

anyway trying to make this short, we seem to be "official", but when i'm not with him, i'm wondering What is he playing at, why would he like me? when we're together, its great, im confident with him..
we're on phone speaking every day, sometimes more than once, meeting up twice weekly since met, have met some his family - not purposely but at event they at..

is this normal to be this insecure, cos its been a month now and i'm wondering about xmas and then i worry What if he goes off me by then.
he has mentioned xmas/ new year, what im doing etc..

dunno what im asking , more just ranting.
Im 27 not 15 (believe it or not) , he's 38..

Hi there! I ajm exacly the same as you so either I really SHOULD or really should NOT be giving you advice! I swear I could have written your post. It is normal to be a little insecure. Some have it easier than others though. My best friend si my polar opposite - even if she really likes someone she might forget to text them back or not check her phone for a day or two. I used to be obsessive - checking phone constantly for messages. I remember a very good friend chuckling to himself one day as he explained to me , "turning your phone on every hour on the hour for 2 mins does NOT increase the likelihood of receiving a text" lol

I have learned to deal with these feelings a little better since I left my early twenties behind. For people like us, the trick is to pretend to be cool (even to yourself) and after a while you will get a little better. I swear! Its normal to wonder what he is up to but remember you both had lives before you met! He approached you, so he liked what you are about - this is what you have to trust in! It sounds like you guys are moving at a healthy rate so jsut see how it goes. Could be that he is wondering too where it is going but not saying anything...remember too that some people are not necessarily more "cool" they are just better at hiding it.

Also remember that sadly, one of the biggest turn offs is insecurity so in a way it can at times be a self fulfilling prophecy. you worry about losing someone and that worry will eventually spill over and cause problems, possibly pushing them away. So dont let that happen! It sounds really positive so far! Bets of luck xx

I am a friend · 06-12-2011 04:00PM

IrishAlly wrote: »

is this normal to be this insecure

TBH its not.... Sounds like you are so interested in having a BF that you are over thinking all of this...

IrishAlly wrote: »

i'm wondering about xmas and then i worry What if he goes off me by then.

So what if he does... You pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. You sound overly invested in a 1 month long relationship. By the sounds of it, all is going well but you seem to be almost frantic about staying in this relationship? Have you thought about whether or not you like this guy or do you only assess whether or not he likes you?

Basically, I think you need to chill and take it as it comes. Its too early to put this much pressure on one relationship / guy...

Also, not trying to scare you but from my experience of guys in their late 30's they are slow to commit as they have so much choice so for your own sake I think you should just chill out and take one day at a time. Dont have any long term expectations of this until you are much more established...

LegacyUser · 06-12-2011 05:30PM

thanks for replies.
Maybe i made it sound like im expecting this to last forever . im not..
i'm happy with him, I really him. reason i mentioned xmas is because he mentioned it after 3 weeks or about that, not asking what we'll be doing but he has a thing on and was saying i'll have to come . when we went on first date etc I was thinking ok i'll go but he prob wont want to see me after that again and that was before we went out. [i usen't be like this]

it's not that i think he's seeing anyone else and if he did, ok yeh i'll brush myself off, cos we ain't in anything serious yet etc.
I just need to get over this thing inside me wondering is he mad in the head to be liking me because if i wasnt with him and it was some other guy, i think i'd be thinking the same!

I don't think this comes across when im with him though, i hope not cos i know that would wreck. anyway

I am a friend · 06-12-2011 06:38PM

Are you sleeping with him yet? If so then it may be contributing to your insecurity... A lot of girls (myself included) become more attached once we are sleeping with someone and it then seems a bigger deal if it doesnt turn into a big romance...

You need to figure out why you are so insecure with men. If it doesnt show already, it will manifest itself sooner or later unless you sort it out in your head.

LegacyUser · 06-12-2011 07:12PM

No, havent done the deed yet! lol!
reading what im writing, i think i sound so silly!
I seriously need to sort my head out yeah! Dunno where this has stemmed from. grr

Thanks anyway!

solovely · 07-12-2011 01:15PM

Wow, a month and you haven't slept with him and you're official, seeing each other twice a week and ringing every day?! Not meaning to judge in any way but if that was me, I would be feeling a bit insecure too. Is it a relationship or a friendship? Sorry, maybe I'm just a slut!!

I do think as women it's natural for us to feel insecure, and I wouldn't beat myself up too much about it. I have done it countless times before. Am in a new relationship myself and my friends are saying they have never seen me so relaxed or secure about something before....I'm hoping that's cos it's right and not just cos I've lost the run of myself or something. But it does feel right, and if it feels right for you, then just go with the flow. I know of friends who have lost good potential relationships by being all needy and insecure, asking too many questions, wondering where are we going, etc.

But from what you've said, this guy has given you no indication (apart from lack of sex) that he is going anywhere. You are talking on the phone every day - most relationships that can take a couple of months to get to that stage, he's already indicated dates into the future, even beyond the length of time you are already seeing each other. To me, he sounds super keen. Maybe once you seal the deal you'll feel more relaxed about it being a proper relationship, but in the meantime, try try try to relax and go with the flow and stop overanalysing. When it's right, you should just know and feel that happy glow around you all the time!

I am a friend · 07-12-2011 01:52PM

solovely wrote: »

Wow, a month and you haven't slept with him and you're official, seeing each other twice a week and ringing every day?! Not meaning to judge in any way but if that was me, I would be feeling a bit insecure too. Is it a relationship or a friendship? Sorry, maybe I'm just a slut!!

I do think as women it's natural for us to feel insecure, and I wouldn't beat myself up too much about it. I have done it countless times before. Am in a new relationship myself and my friends are saying they have never seen me so relaxed or secure about something before....I'm hoping that's cos it's right and not just cos I've lost the run of myself or something. But it does feel right, and if it feels right for you, then just go with the flow. I know of friends who have lost good potential relationships by being all needy and insecure, asking too many questions, wondering where are we going, etc.

But from what you've said, this guy has given you no indication (apart from lack of sex) that he is going anywhere. You are talking on the phone every day - most relationships that can take a couple of months to get to that stage, he's already indicated dates into the future, even beyond the length of time you are already seeing each other. To me, he sounds super keen. Maybe once you seal the deal you'll feel more relaxed about it being a proper relationship, but in the meantime, try try try to relax and go with the flow and stop overanalysing. When it's right, you should just know and feel that happy glow around you all the time!

I agree with the bulk of this but dont think the fact that ye havent slept together is a negative... sounds like he is genuinely interested so relax and enjoy.

Beruthiel · 07-12-2011 03:30PM

IrishAlly wrote: »

i'm wondering What is he playing at, why would he like me?

Do you not know how great you are?
Do you not like yourself?
Time to go find your self esteem and confidence lady.
You should be telling yourself how lucky he is to have found you.

LegacyUser · 07-12-2011 09:09PM

personally don't think its big deal not having slept with him after month, wouldnt have wanted that any sooner but thats just me. definitely aint just a friendship cos of that.

Just need to relax i know, yer comments have helped though thanks!

Just digging myself into a hole thinking this way cos he hasnt indicated anything other than liking me, we seem to be on same page bar me thinking this way .

cheers lads

dellas1979 · 08-12-2011 02:13PM

IrishAlly wrote: »

personally don't think its big deal not having slept with him after month, wouldnt have wanted that any sooner but thats just me. definitely aint just a friendship cos of that.

Just need to relax i know, yer comments have helped though thanks! Just digging myself into a hole thinking this way cos he hasnt indicated anything other than liking me, we seem to be on same page bar me thinking this way .

cheers lads

Jeepers!!! It is most definitely NOT a big deal to have not slept with him after a month!

You do what you feel is right, when it is right. Just because you havent slept together yet doesnt mean anything. Is it not fun to try and get to know someone first? In actual fact, you should be looking at this from another angle, you are in a nice position here (pardon the pun). Getting to know each other, no pressure, having fun, the thrills of a potential new relationship without all the pressures of having slept with him.

Am I right in saying that its not a defined relationship yet (i.e. no bf/gf talk)? Or are you looking to meet someone immediately/in a rush (thus putting all this pressure on yourself)? The latter would make sense to me as to why you are feeling like this. He probably has the angle above, while you are looking for committment already after a month.

daisybelle2008 · 08-12-2011 02:54PM

IrishAlly wrote: »

is this normal to be this insecure, cos its been a month now and i'm wondering about xmas and then i worry What if he goes off me by then.
QUOTE]

It is not normal to be this insecure. Do not discount that it is not your gut instinct telling you this is not right for you.
This won't be a popular opinion but if I feel insecure and worried in the beginning of a relationship, I call quits. The only time I have been wrong is when I ignored the signs and carried on with the relationship.

The way I see it, if I am feeling worried and insecure instead of enjoyment and going with the flow, then I am either not ready for a relationship (and need so spend some more time getting confident on my own), the timing is wrong or the person is not right for me.

daisybelle2008 · 08-12-2011 03:29PM

sunflower27 wrote: »

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

To be fair, we are all different. Some people are just overly cautious, insecure kind of people anyway. Some people are just that way generally and others are that way through past experiences.

If there are no glaringly obvious red flags, OP, and there doesn't appear to be from what you have said, then you enjoy this lovely time would be my advice.

You are right, we are all different. But for me feeling insecure and worried is enough of a red flag. How we feel in a relationship is the most important thing. That should be the biggest dealbreaker possible.

shellyboo · 11-12-2011 12:31AM

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

sunflower27 wrote: »

You are right, we are all different. But for me feeling insecure and worried is enough of a red flag. How we feel in a relationship is the most important thing. That should be the biggest dealbreaker possible.

I dunno, when I got together with my partner initially I was 100% sure it was only a fling and it definitely wasn't going anywhere because we weren't right for eachother at all. Wasn't sure about going out with him at all, thought I should just break up with him because I knew it wasn't going to be a long-term thing... and it's our 2nd anniversary in three weeks, we live together, and as far as I'm concerned this is it (and he feels the same) So everyone is different! It makes me feel ill to think I could have missed out on him if I had followed my gut instinct in those early days.

However you feel OP, I think you owe it to yourself to just try to relax, go with the flow and give it a chance. The very very very worst that could happen is you go out with him for a bit and it doesn't work out. That's all!

As for feeling more confident in the relationship, perhaps focus less on yourself and more on him, as in, if you trust and respect him, trust and respect his good taste in choosing you! Even if you can't figure out what he sees in you, just know that it must be something. Just let it happen!

OldNotWIse · 15-12-2011 03:32PM

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

sunflower27 wrote: »

You are right, we are all different. But for me feeling insecure and worried is enough of a red flag. How we feel in a relationship is the most important thing. That should be the biggest dealbreaker possible.

True but how you feel can often come from within rather than from external factors.

LegacyUser · 15-12-2011 07:25PM

Thanks all, it isnt anything to do with him or way he is going on or us when we together, or about us actually, its something in me... I'm not distressed or worrying when im with him, we have a good time together
but anyway i have calmed down a bit since.
and yer comments have gave me a virtual slap to say Cop on to myself.

Wompa1 · 15-12-2011 09:29PM

IrishAlly wrote: »

Thanks all, it isnt anything to do with him or way he is going on or us when we together, or about us actually, its something in me... I'm not distressed or worrying when im with him, we have a good time together
but anyway i have calmed down a bit since.
and yer comments have gave me a virtual slap to say Cop on to myself.

Congrats. Enjoy the initial few months. They are awesome and don't worry about the whole not having slept with him. As a guy I love being with a girl I really like and her wanting to wait to have sex. Gives me confidence in her character.

insecure about new relationship

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