In mid-30's & happy being single::is that weird?!

LegacyUser · 19-12-2011 06:27PM #1

Hi!
I am in my mid-thirties. I have a good job, great family & good friends.
I have had a few girlfriends: The last girl was really nice, fun, understanding, but I just didnt develop strong feelings for her: in the end I saw her more as a friend.
Towards the end of the relationship, it got a bit stressful, as she was looking for more commitment, whereas I was a bit blase about things. we ended the relationship on good terms & I have seen her since for coffee.
Previous relationships have gone a similar way; at about 4-6 months, the relationship petered out and I saw the girls more as friends.
Obviously I love being close to someone & feel it is really nice to have a girlfriend, but to be honest I am happy being single at the moment:people around me are mostly all seeing someone, engaged or married & often ask, 'Anyone special in your life?'
Bit annoying, but , I dont really mind.

Another issue for me in life is that I suffer with anxiety & OCD. I have battled really well; gone for cbt therapy, take meds, practice meditation, exercise etc...: I do whatever it takes to stay well. So in the midst of this, the stress of a relationship, which isnt working is not enjoyable.
I do get lonely a bit; but more from lack of company from friends etc....as many of my mates are married I cannot see them as much...I would definitely like to have access to more friends, people into sport, music, the outdoors, travel,

So what do you think.....
Is anyone else happy to be single?

Do you need a relationship/partner to be happy?

20-12-2011 01:10AM

i dont see a problem with enjoying singularity to be honest. it seems society wants to pressurise us into pairing off and thats a bit of a primitive and outdated view to be honest. i think if it is to happen then it happens when we least expect and if it dont well if you are happy then thats all that matters.

Personally i wish to be a father some day and create a family life as i feel i have alot of love and guidance to give a child and it would fulfill my needs but its important that i love the mother of my children rather than marry someone for the sake of it or because society thinks its not normal to be unmarried. happiness is paramount

Arequipa · 20-12-2011 11:14AM

Thanks for reply... Seems that everyone by 35 is in a steady relationship & on road to settled family life.

Part of me thinks that would be nice. But then I see how tough it is; bringing up kids is tough, even when u are financially secure, happy & on top of things.

I think it is better to be single than to go out with someone & have to work at the relationship all the time, or to settle for someone who is not ' a good fit!'

I get a bit lonely sometimes but more for crack, banter & fun... When u move through your thirties, invariably friends get paired off & settle down; think I just have to expand my social group & adapt!

ash23 · 20-12-2011 01:09PM

I veer between loving being single and wanting to be in a relationship depending on what day of the week it is

There are elements of being single that I love but I miss elements of being in a relationship too. I just figure when I meet the right person, the reservations I have about being in a relationship will be thwarted by my feelings and my need to be with that person.

d1975 · 20-12-2011 01:39PM

I'm 36 and enjoy being single, I'm in a good job and have few friends, someday maybe I'll settle down when the right girl comes along, but for now I'm enjoying single life

LegacyUser · 20-12-2011 03:40PM

I think being single in your mid thirties is a real mixed bag of tricks. There are a lot of good things about being single at this age. You have the freedom to come and go as you please. You don't have to arrange your life around an OH and kids. You'll hopefully be reasonably well off financially. On the other hand, it can be trying at times, not to mention lonely. I don't want to sound like I'm wallowing in self-pity but less of my friends go out on a Saturday night because they're coupled up or have the dreaded kids. I go to family weddings and feel a bit like that odd spinster aunt who smells of cat wee as I sit on my own amongst my married cousins. I'm going to have to pluck up the courage to go on holidays by myself next year because the single friends I used to go with have one by one paired off with someone. So yeah, they are the down sides.

More important than being single or not single though is that you are comfortable in your own skin. I'm of the belief that that is crucial. Not all of us are going to be lucky enough to find love or perhaps have come out on the other side of a bad relationship. You need to be able to find happiness in yourself and not depend on others.

LegacyUser · 20-12-2011 11:17PM

Thanks for the replies.
Think you are right;being single, can be a mixed bag... but think in life you have to always strive to be happy and at ease with yourself.
Sometimes the wrong type of relationship, can create stress, unhappiness & damage self esteem.

I feel sometimes that 'the grass is always greener'; when you are single, you want to date someone & when you're dating someone, you dream of being single!
I look back to my twenties, when I was at college, lots of fun, lots of friends & nobody was tied down: going out with the lads was always on the cards. Then gradually friends met girls, engaged, married & now kids.
I am lucky in that I still see my mates quite often.

Some weekends in particular, on a Friday or Saturday night I do get lonely: again not really for a physical relationship, but when my mates are unavailable, due to family commitments....I just want to go out, have the banter, the chat, see a movie whatever: just some company & fun!

What do you guys or gals do at the weekend when your friends are all missing?

elbee · 21-12-2011 09:16AM

My grandfather used to say that a bachelor's life is great til you're 40 - when everyone else has got married, settled, had their families and has less time for you. He probably had a point but I don't think it's necessarily true for everyone!

The statistics say more and more people are staying single longer (lots by choice) so I bet there are tons of people out there in the same boat, OP, and I think it's great that you're happy to be single

Sounds like the only change you want in your life is to meet some more people and have a bit more social contact, which is achievable. Hope you find lots of new friends and continue enjoying being single

ash23 · 21-12-2011 01:17PM

Singlethirtysumting wrote: »

What do you guys or gals do at the weekend when your friends are all missing?

I have a few different "sets" of friends so I find there's usually something on. Either with my work friends, my family (siblings are similar age), old school friends or my own buddies.
I also have a daughter so we go to the cinema or for lunch, or have a girls night in. All in all I don't find it too hard to pass the weekend but I think if I didn't have her, I probably would find it harder to pass the time.

sam34 · 21-12-2011 02:17PM

Singlethirtysumting wrote: »

What do you guys or gals do at the weekend when your friends are all missing?

visit family or friends

go shopping

go to the cinema

go for a drive to explore local areas

spend time cooking nice meals

DVD night

tv night

chill out with a good book

glass(es) of wine

relaxing bath

catch up on phonecalls

mess around online

etc

etc

etc

life is what you make it. if you sit at home moping that you've noone to go out with, you'll be miserable. become more independent, amuse yourself rather than waiting for someone else to do it for you and you'll not be miserable.

LegacyUser · 21-12-2011 06:39PM

Elbee, Ash & Sam: thanks for responding: appreciate the feedback!
I try not to moan too much: but sometimes you just have to;eh?!
Life is tough for me; I have always battled fairly intense anxiety & developed OCD about 10 years ago: this has been a tough battle, involving numerous CBT therapists,lots of reading and education, medication and exposure therapy: essentially I have done everything I can to manage this disorder: every day is tough, and some days are a real struggle: but I try and use all the tools I have picked up.

This is a starting point & then other life issues/problems come as add-ons!
So it just makes relationship stresses that bit more stressful & the loneliness we all get that bit more ...well....lonely!

I want to look at alternate social outlets: life is short & I wanna experience as much as I can!

Sam thanks for the list of things to do @ weekends:lots of stuff in Dublin revolves around the pub and drinking, but I would be happy to do other things: have gone off late nights, hangovers etc..!
Sometimes I find my social life picks up a bit in Spring & Summer: with sports etc: I enjoy cycling so plan on joining a club in the Spring & go on trips abroad with my mates....things slow down in the Winter months!

Fentdog84 · 21-12-2011 07:21PM

I suppose us guys have it a bit better in the sense there is less pressure to marry in your 30's as there is no biological clock as such to race against. You could easily turn around at 45 and marry someone who is 30-35(or maybe younger). Theres no hard and fast rules. if your happy being single just enjoy it,plenty guys do, some even stay bachelors! let whatever happens happen. However, if deep down you really want to get into a relationship soon, or want to ''settle down''(annoying term) well you need to do something about that or maybe ask yourself if you have commitment issues etc or if there are other underlying causes about being stuck in singledom. (I believe there is single by chioce and inflicted singledom, maybe I should do a book about my theories))Maybe you just havent met the right person. Anyway, no need to panic either way. Guys in their mid-late 30's are alway high in demand!

Liam Byrne · 21-12-2011 10:59PM

41 & single here

Would rather be with no-one than the wrong one.

Everything in life has pros and cons, and if you haven't met anyone who makes a change in what you like better, why change ?

Dudess · 22-12-2011 11:58AM

If you feel happy, why are you asking others to tell you so? Only you know how you feel.
How can people answer whether a relationship makes one happy - surely it depends on the individual?

ABajaninCork · 22-12-2011 02:52PM

I was (happily) single until I met my husband and married in my 40's! At least six other people I know including relatives didn't marry or have LTR's until their late 30's, 40's or even 50's!

I echo what the others are saying. You're not in the least bit weird. Loads of people are in the same boat.

Relax. Enjoy yourself!:D

Jimmy Jerk Off · 22-12-2011 06:13PM

I'm 34 and much prefer the single life.

Conforming to societal expectations does not guarantee happiness

In mid-30's & happy being single::is that weird?!

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