I was told I'm my father's biggest disappointment

1ZRed · 19-01-2013 03:30AM #1

And his own words at that, that I'm his biggest disappointment, the words passed onto me by someone else. I'm his only son and I hadn't even told him that I was gay, to add to whatvever disappointment he already felt.

I never did badly in school and I never fell short of the mark I set for myself, and I never thought I disappointed him, but obviously that wasn't enough. Anyway, I'm probably just venting, but honestly, why do that to your son? I don't see the point.

Yeah, I may be gay, but if any parent would feel disappointed with their own child being that way it's a horrible feeling you're going to put on them when they don't want to be that way to begin with and just stacks the guilt. I don't feel bad for something I can't, and couldn't help, and I'm ok with it now, but others mightn't ever see it that way.

All I ask is it worth it to some people to put their children through that even if it's something they didn't agree to in the first place? Surely the happiness of your child comes first?

Anyway, I'm drunk and probably talking nonsense so ignore all if you want

Cavehill Red · 19-01-2013 03:32AM

His own response is his biggest disappointment, not you.

keith16 · 19-01-2013 03:32AM

Well I'm proud of you!

MyPeopleDrankTheSoup · 19-01-2013 03:35AM

you should ring him now while you're drunk and confront him about it. and record the call and upload here

longshanks · 19-01-2013 03:36AM

Fuck it. It's his problem, don't worry yourself about it.

Czarcasm · 19-01-2013 03:38AM

We've all heard that from our parents at one time or another Izzy, eventually you just learn to laugh it off and take no notice.

Bad Santa · 19-01-2013 03:39AM

1ZRed wrote: »

the words passed onto me by someone else.

Ask yourself why the person that told you this, told you this.

If there is anything I have learned in life, it's that: they who gossip to you, will gossip about you.

phoenix999 · 19-01-2013 03:40AM

1ZRed wrote: »

And his own words at that, that I'm his biggest disappointment, the words passed onto me by someone else. I'm his only son and I hadn't even told him that I was gay, to add to whatvever disappointment he already felt.

I never did badly in school and I never fell short of the mark I set for myself, and I never thought I disappointed him, but obviously that wasn't enough. Anyway, I'm probably just venting, but honestly, why do that to your son? I don't see the point.

Yeah, I may be gay, but if any parent would feel disappointed with their own child being that way it's a horrible feeling you're going to put on them when they don't want to be that way to begin with and just stacks the guilt. I don't feel bad for something I can't, and couldn't help, and I'm ok with it now, but others mightn't ever see it that way.

All I ask is it worth it to some people to put their children through that even if it's something they didn't agree to in the first place? Surely the happiness of your child comes first?

Anyway, I'm drunk and probably talking nonsense so ignore all if you want

For a drunk guy 1ZRed, you have very good grammar and punctuation.

Good parents will love their children unconditionally. I would question the motives of the person who told you this? Parents always hope that their children will be more successful in life than they were themselves. You are a young and intelligent guy with your whole life ahead of you. Wouldn't do any harm to have a good chat with the old man. You might educate him a little.

fergiesfolly · 19-01-2013 03:40AM

Its odd to say but sometimes its the child that teaches the parent. Live your life, your way. He'll be proud of you when he's learnt the lessons of courage and self belief himself.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 19-01-2013 03:40AM

1ZRed wrote: »

And his own words at that, that I'm his biggest disappointment, the words passed onto me by someone else. I'm his only son and I hadn't even told him that I was gay, to add to whatvever disappointment he already felt.

I never did badly in school and I never fell short of the mark I set for myself, and I never thought I disappointed him, but obviously that wasn't enough. Anyway, I'm probably just venting, but honestly, why do that to your son? I don't see the point.

Yeah, I may be gay, but if any parent would feel disappointed with their own child being that way it's a horrible feeling you're going to put on them when they don't want to be that way to begin with and just stacks the guilt. I don't feel bad for something I can't, and couldn't help, and I'm ok with it now, but others mightn't ever see it that way.

All I ask is it worth it to some people to put their children through that even if it's something they didn't agree to in the first place? Surely the happiness of your child comes first?

Anyway, I'm drunk and probably talking nonsense so ignore all if you want

His choice to be disappointed.

You are not your father and your life's role, whatever it may be, is not to please him. You've probably doen hundreds of things that would make most fathers proud.

Bronze Wolf · 19-01-2013 03:43AM

Are you disappointed in yourself? If not the problem does not lie with you.

You're gay, not a fcuking serial killer. No reason to feel guilty about it or apologise.

Don't think too much about this stuff when you're drunk, you won't be in the right frame of mind to see what's important in life.

SeantheMan · 19-01-2013 03:45AM

You are your own man, be happy in who you are.
Sexuality isn't a choice , be proud of yourself.
It's unfortunate that some people still think that way.

DEFTLEFTHAND · 19-01-2013 03:55AM

How could you be disappointed in a son for being who they are. I'd be wary of second hand sources though. It might have been a bit of a shock to your dad to find out you were gay but don't think that means he doesn't love you, you're his only child and if he did say that I don't think he meant it.

Ficheall · 19-01-2013 03:55AM

Should you be so quick to believe whoever told you this?
Perhaps you ought to give your father the benefit of the doubt.

Czarcasm wrote: »

We've all heard that from our parents at one time or another Izzy, eventually you just learn to laugh it off and take no notice.

I doubt that's the case for most people

brummytom · 19-01-2013 04:00AM

If you heard that off someone else, I'd take it with a pinch of salt tbh. He could have said he was disappointed he wouldn't have grandchildren or something, which would be fair enough, it's bound to be a shock to him.

But if he's disappointed in you purely because of your sexuality - which is a tiny, tiny part of who we are as people - then fúck him.

StinkyMunkey · 19-01-2013 04:06AM

Sorry ive never even met your father, and i dislike him already.

I have 2 sons, and as long as they are happy and healthy, i will always love them no matter what.

Being gay isnt a choice, people who think otherwise are retarded.

Keep being who your are mate, you sound like someone who deserves better.

Itwasntme. · 19-01-2013 04:14AM

Hearing a parent say something like this is difficult and it can be very damaging to one's self esteem. Find a non-confrontational way to broach the subject with your dad. Keep in mind that he may not have said it and even if he did, second hand information tends to be distorted.

Whatever it is, it's evident from your post that you need to have some sort of conversation with your dad. Tell him how you feel and how what you think he said makes you feel. Give him a chance to say his bit as well and if he actually says you're a disappointment, it's his loss and his problem, not yours.

Overheal · 19-01-2013 04:21AM

holy crap, after hours in rare form tonight.

OP many years ago I simply discovered that my parents may well be bigger disappointments to me than I to them. In addition to that you eventually just stop doing things simply to try and please them, because that always works out. Your old man is hardly perfect, and as his son I'm sure you are uniquely privy to an insight on many of those flaws. Recognize them and realize he is as fallible a human as anyone; if he thinks you're a disappointment then it's his loss regardless of whether he sees that he's wrong or not, further on.

On a side note, perhaps he hasn't quite placed a finger on it but he's perceptive to something being out of place about you. I'm not gay but I can only imagine living in the closet does nothing much for your confidence or self respect. It might be worth considering, in due time, to let your father know exactly who you are and he may be more proud of you for it (but that is not always the case, use your own judgement).

jimpump · 19-01-2013 04:35AM

1ZRed wrote: »

And his own words at that, that I'm his biggest disappointment, the words passed onto me by someone else. I'm his only son and I hadn't even told him that I was gay, to add to whatvever disappointment he already felt.

I never did badly in school and I never fell short of the mark I set for myself, and I never thought I disappointed him, but obviously that wasn't enough. Anyway, I'm probably just venting, but honestly, why do that to your son? I don't see the point.

Yeah, I may be gay, but if any parent would feel disappointed with their own child being that way it's a horrible feeling you're going to put on them when they don't want to be that way to begin with and just stacks the guilt. I don't feel bad for something I can't, and couldn't help, and I'm ok with it now, but others mightn't ever see it that way.

All I ask is it worth it to some people to put their children through that even if it's something they didn't agree to in the first place? Surely the happiness of your child comes first?

Anyway, I'm drunk and probably talking nonsense so ignore all if you want

Being gay is so 2007, get with the times bro

J, k btw

Ambient Occlusion · 19-01-2013 04:39AM

You have one life and one only. Do not linger on the ignorance of others regardless of who they are. You have one life to do what with you will, one life to enjoy, one life to live and love. Spare as much time for such a thought as the time that went into it, none.
You are one person of seven billion in a universe twice as old; the probability of even having been born is closer to impossible than possible. Do not spit on the chance you have been given. Forget such thoughts and never look back, not for anyone, not for anything. Your life is your own and no else's. Enjoy it while you can.

I hope that helps, or maybe even this, it helps me when I'm down.

the_syco · 19-01-2013 04:46AM

1ZRed wrote: »

And his own words at that, that I'm his biggest disappointment, the words passed onto me by someone else.

Ask yourself; how do they gain from telling you this, and if it drives a block between you and your dad, would said block please the person who gave you the info?

I call shannigans!

Where To · 19-01-2013 04:48AM

Rule #37 of Where To's guide to life.

Don't worry about things you have no control over.

1ZRed · 19-01-2013 04:54AM

I was just sitting looking at this and things were starting to become clearer to me. It wasn't told to me out of malice at all and it was a few lads that said it to me. I know what he's like and it's not at all out of realm of possibility that he said those exact words, so I believe it to be true.

He also doesn't know I am gay, I didn't mean to make that seem like the bases of his disappointment in me, but if he's disappointed in me for no real reason that I can think of, I'd hate to think what'd happen if he were to know I was gay. I just see that as an added nail in the coffin at this stage.

But no, it's grand really. I learned to be very much emotionally independent and self supportive a long time ago incase such a thing were to happen anyway, and I'm well able to survive if I were to lose everyone, which I don't think would fully happen. It made me grow up fast and I learned to tackle everything on my own but it made me strong as fuk as a result, so although the circumstances appear sh1t at best, I'm well able to handle them.

Again, this is just a drunken ramble so pay no heed to it. I only seem to be venting which I kind of need now. I'll most likely head off to bed anyway but I'll say thanks to the reassurance I got and I'll take my shiote talk to bed with me too! :pac:

SusieBlue · 19-01-2013 05:07AM

I'm sure any decent man would be proud to have you as a son.

His words only have power if you allow them - Hard as it is, try to ignore his negativity. You seem like a good person. Don't think that his unfounded disappointment is a reflection on you. His disappointment is clearly a reflection of himself, and he's taking it out on you.

So long as my children never intentionally set out to inflict hurt or pain on others, I will love them and be proud of them. Academic achievements and how much money you have in the bank mean little, when it comes down to it. Far more important to be happy and in good health. Your father sounds like the type of man that can't be pleased, like nothing is ever good enough.

Why is it so hard for parents to accept who their children are? It baffles me, it really does.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 19-01-2013 05:09AM

1ZRed wrote: »

I was just sitting looking at this and things were starting to become clearer to me. It wasn't told to me out of malice at all and it was a few lads that said it to me. I know what he's like and it's not at all out of realm of possibility that he said those exact words, so I believe it to be true.

He also doesn't know I am gay, I didn't mean to make that seem like the bases of his disappointment in me, but if he's disappointed in me for no real reason that I can think of, I'd hate to think what'd happen if he were to know I was gay. I just see that as an added nail in the coffin at this stage.

But no, it's grand really. I learned to be very much emotionally independent and self supportive a long time ago incase such a thing were to happen anyway, and I'm well able to survive if I were to lose everyone, which I don't think would fully happen. It made me grow up fast and I learned to tackle everything on my own but it made me strong as fuk as a result, so although the circumstances appear sh1t at best, I'm well able to handle them.

Again, this is just a drunken ramble so pay no heed to it. I only seem to be venting which I kind of need now. I'll most likely head off to bed anyway but I'll say thanks to the reassurance I got and I'll take my shiote talk to bed with me too! :pac:

Shouldn't change anything.

If you have no idea of any valid reason why he would be disappointed in you (assuming he is - this may not be the case) then the most likliest possibliity is that there isn't one. Regardless of the gay thing, it sounds like it's all in his head, and his issue. Let him deal with it and live a life of bitterness if he chooses to do so - you get on with your own.

And don't worry about losign everyone. He's just one person. You have friends and friends, as they say, are the family you choose for yourself. G'night!

steddyeddy · 19-01-2013 05:19AM

1ZRed wrote: »

And his own words at that, that I'm his biggest disappointment, the words passed onto me by someone else. I'm his only son and I hadn't even told him that I was gay, to add to whatvever disappointment he already felt.

I never did badly in school and I never fell short of the mark I set for myself, and I never thought I disappointed him, but obviously that wasn't enough. Anyway, I'm probably just venting, but honestly, why do that to your son? I don't see the point.

Yeah, I may be gay, but if any parent would feel disappointed with their own child being that way it's a horrible feeling you're going to put on them when they don't want to be that way to begin with and just stacks the guilt. I don't feel bad for something I can't, and couldn't help, and I'm ok with it now, but others mightn't ever see it that way.

All I ask is it worth it to some people to put their children through that even if it's something they didn't agree to in the first place? Surely the happiness of your child comes first?

Anyway, I'm drunk and probably talking nonsense so ignore all if you want

Man I only know you from boards but by your posts you come across as an extremely intelligent and caring guy. Your dad just might not have the capability to tell his son he loves him.

Oranage2 · 19-01-2013 05:33AM

Chin up bro, also Who would even tell you that your father said that, id watch out for that person anyway.

Difficult to know what to say, everyone is different and deals with things differently, i know i stopped caring what my parents thought when i was about 16. As long as you're happy with your life you shouldn't care what other people think, though easier said then done.

Witchie · 19-01-2013 06:01AM

As parents in some ways we project our hopes and dreams onto our kids. Some parents push their kids into show business or sport etc to live vicariously. Others just dream their son will play to a sold out 02 or in the Aviva stadium (for Monaghan United in a cup final) while allowing their child to follow their own path. Parents have somewhat unrealistic expectations sometimes and may be disappointed when their wee Johnny isnt the superstar they believed he would be but they never stop loving the child they have nurtured for many years.

Maybe your dad had such unrealistic expectations and needs to readjust and realise that he is the luckiest man alive to have a sweet caring loving son. Give him time and one day he will not only tell you but make you believe that you are his greatest achievement just the way you are.
X

NegativeCreep · 19-01-2013 06:07AM

You weren't put on the earth to please your narrow-minded father. Feck him and feck all those who look down on you because of your sexuality. You are a better person than they are.

Lionel Messy · 19-01-2013 06:09AM

**** your dad, op.

RidleyRider · 19-01-2013 06:25AM

Lionel Messy wrote: »

**** your dad, op.

You're an angry man:pac: This is the second thread I've seen you post angrily in and swear

I was told I'm my father's biggest disappointment

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