Complicated Life & Complicated Girl

jomawa9 · 30-06-2013 10:37PM #1

Hi.

Apologies for how long this will be, the whole story is quite complicated (as are both individuals in the story) and I think I need to explain my own background to make sense of it.

I am a man in my early twenties, came from a horribly controlling country family, was disgustingly neglected, repressed & isolated and developed anxiety and depression from a very young age (though went undiagnosed and just thought I was shy and nervous..). I worked hard in college and got a job and managed to escape from home at the end of last year. Close relationships have never existed in my life even with anyone in my family.

I took up counselling and have taken many choices which have been improving my situation massively.

Within a month of leaving home a beautiful girl gave me her number out of the blue. I am very shy when it comes to girls and have had no experience. Anyway we meet up a few times and get on really well, flirting etc. however I have serious problems expressing how I feel and I never learnt to show love (hugs, kisses etc

). I decided after 2 months to tell her that I was really starting to like her (I felt this would have given me a license to be more expressive), she said she liked me too but didn't want to rush things. This was perfect, I had fallen for this girl and I could sense we maybe had similiar issues and could be understanding of eachother.

A week later she tells me there is another guy, that she likes being 'the girl in the club' and that she doesn't want to be 'the one', that the chemistry wasn't there right now. I took it pretty well though I was obviously very upset, and maybe took the responsibility for not being more amorous even though it was too far out of my capabilities at the time. She said that she really really wanted to stay in touch and really did like me, I could see she was almost crying saying that so I know she cared. I decided for some distance but wanted to see her again. I really liked her and as I've abandoned home a good friend who cares is worth so much....

A month later we meet, in the interim she had told me she didn't want to play with my feelings or hurt me, so when we met I was naturally a bit cautious and distant but she was very sweet and maybe came across too interested based on what she had said, asking what club I was going to that night and wanting to know what street it was on etc. This is difficult for me because feelings like I had just don't disappear...

This is where things get really weird, it makes no sense as she is such a sweet and intelligent girl. We arrange to meet the next week, but she doesn't show up, apparently forgot to send a message. I took her word for it but made it clear I wasn't overly happy. She says she'll talk to me about doing something during the week. No call arrives, so at the end of the week I casually ask how her week was if she was busy etc., no reply. The next day I call and leave a voicemail, no reply. I realise something is wrong (thus run of events was very strange for her) and my anxieties are starting to get the better of me at this point

So I send her a message asking her if I had upset her and that I'd really appreciate some clarity (probably should have let things be..) she instantly responds saying she saw my messages but was busy and would be busy for a few days with a friend so couldn't talk (she used to text during dates...). Seems like passive aggressive nonsense to me, very insulting. Sort of realised things are very wrong at this point

A week later I send a message and apologise (I felt maybe I had been pushy/ignorant) again no reply. Despite all this I really had feelings for her, and my anxiety was horrible at this point. I decide to send her a message to end things, if this was how she acted I didnt want her. I tell her that I'm over her and that I wouldn't accept this treatment from a friend and that she should just show me the respect of saying bye.

She instantly responds telling me to stop freaking out and that she didn't need to give me reassurance or to explain herself. Then sent another saying she changed her mind and that I wasn't over her and never to contact her again.

I reply telling her that I must have badly misread what had been happening those few weeks, that my anxieties got the better of me, and that I hoped she could forgive me for this, if not I wished her well. She did reply, with a change of heart that she was in a complicated position and that maybe we could be friends again in the future, but not soon.

As things settle down, I do realise I had been a doormat. I mean I was blinded by the fact I care for her I guess.

After around a month I apologise for my part in the whole thing, but I don't take complete responsibility and tell that I wanted more time but might be interested in getting to know her again. She said she would be in touch and told me to take care. I didn't reply but I did find it a bit condescending. I mean she has taken no responsibility for her actions and seems to be blaming my anxieties for what happened, I do know they brought things to a head, but her her continued ignorance to someone she apparently likes (??how can I believe this??) caused the problem.

Part of me still cares for her, a small part of me hates her and part of me would really value her as a friend. I do realise her behaviour as bad as it was came over a 2 week period, other than that she had been really nice, so I'm willing to forgive.

Anyway it's coming up to the time when she said she would be back in contact. Am I insane to think she had been treating me badly, I don't want to make a big deal out of it but I don't feel I can see her if she doesnt apologise.

What is it she wants from me? Is she just stringing me along in case she gets dumped by this 'other guy' or does she actually see me as someone to build a friendship with? I certainly don't feel like this is a friendship right now...

How can you treat a generally kind hearted guy like this but want to stay in touch? Should I give her another chance, I mean the fact I've written this is probably evidence that I still really do care, and caring at all might be caring too much

LegacyUser · 30-06-2013 10:51PM

I'm sorry to be the one to tell you but this relationship/friendship whatever it is, is a dead end.

She no longer wants a friendship with you. No doubt she is highly aware of your feelings for her and she does not want a complicated friendship. She does not have feelings for you and probably feels sorry for you.

I advise you to withdraw from her PERMANENTLY and lick your wounds. Be nice to yourself, allow time to heal from the disappointment and then move on. The alternative is just more confusion, desperation and misery.

It takes time to learn how to be a friend or boyfriend so don't beat yourself up. But be under no illusions: she does not have feelings for you and this will only end in (even more) tears.

BerryBlue · 01-07-2013 01:03AM

My advice would be to get away from this girl as quick as you can.... she is not good for you, has not been good for you, has left you confused, head wrecked, obsessing, questioning & doubting yourself - you need to distance yourself from her, delete her number, facebook, try to put it behind you (I know its the simplest thing to say, and the hardest thing to do) but in time you will get over her. The best mark of a friend is to ask yourself 'does this person make me feel good about myself' ?? - If the answer is more no than yes, then you don't need that person in your life.

It sounds like you grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family, and that you were strong enough and fought hard enough to get out of it. But growing up in that environment leaves marks and scars, you have anxiety issues and doubt yourself easily - this is unfortunately very normal for anyone growing up in that situation - but it can leave you very vulnerable and almost a target for people whose nature it is to mess with peoples heads.

She has not treated you well, giving mixed messages the whole way through - wanting to be friends, then not, then changing her mind, then not honoring her commitments to met up, I'm sure they're must be nice things about her, but she sounds nasty and like she has a bag-load of issues of her own. Get her out of your life, move on with yours, you will meet more people, and you need to have expectations for yourself to how you want to be treated.

Its great your going to counselling, stick with that because growing up how you did really does impact how you feel about yourself - this girl made you feel like a doormat - and you doubt your own feelings - when you really should always honor how you feel. Educate yourself - there are a billion books on the subject.

I know it hurts, and I'm sorry your going through it, but you really deserve better.

noah45 · 01-07-2013 06:23AM

Put yourself first here, I think she will only continue to use and hurt you.
You deserve better

Overthrow · 01-07-2013 08:21AM

The OP is only one side of the story. It sounds to me like she might have been annoyed with the clinginess. She has no obligation to contact you when you want her to, but you seem to think she is obligated.

If she disappears for a few days or drops out of contact, there's no need to try multiple times and methods to force a response from her. No wonder she reacted as she did.

If she feels like you're positioning or attempting to position her as emotionally responsible for you, then she might be thinking that she's not up to the task, especially with you being unable to accept not hearing from her for a few days thus maybe making her feel that she doesn't have much choice but to put things to an end.

Maybe she didn't handle it very well, but you say that "a friend wouldn't do this", but a friend would also not put such pressured expectation on a friend and go through the motions because of a few days of no contact. Her response here is very telling on how she might feel overbaring weight from the expectations you put on her;

She instantly responds telling me to stop freaking out and that she didn't need to give me reassurance or to explain herself.

She doesn't need to reassure you or explain herself, because she has no emotional responsibility towards you and if you think she does or should, that differential is the root of the problem.

So I don't agree that you need to forget about her, delete her number etc. You expected her to act a certain way, she didn't, and now the solution is to cut contact? I don't see you taking much responsibility yourself in how this whole thing panned out. As such I can see the same thing reoccurring with other people. So this is an important challenge for you.

I think you need to give it a few weeks/months, don't make any effort to contact her and try learn how to put less expectation on people. After a while get in touch again and with zero expectation reach out again in a gentle manner - but not overbaring her with emotional apologies or explanations.

If you're in love with her, then you need to make a choice as to whether you think it'll be reciprocated. If not, then you either need to try move past that if you still want to be friends, and again put no emotional expectation there.

ABajaninCork · 01-07-2013 09:13AM

Overthrow's advice is all very well, but the OP is someone who has limited experience of close relationships.

But OP. You have to toughen up. This won't be the first time this situation has happened, and it won't be the last. I don't think you'll be able to handle being friends right now. I'm with the others - you need to cut all contact for now. The girl is a headwrecker (as you say here), and will only mess you up further.

Expand your social circle. Make more friends. Maybe find another nice girl. If your friend decides to get in contact - great! If not - keep moving.

Merkin · 01-07-2013 09:17AM

I think your repeated attempts at contact and clingyness was probably what rocked the boat here. She said she didn't want a romantic relationship with you and then probably to soften the blow said she'd be in touch. She might have meant this or she might not but unfortunately you would have come across as quite intense with her and probably peed her off. I don't think it's ever a good idea to be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for as it instills false hope and ultimately is a head wreck. I would forget having a friendship with this girl (and stop contacting her!) and concentrate on expanding your social circle so that you don't invest so much of your energy into just one friendship.

jomawa9 · 01-07-2013 06:19PM

Thanks everyone for your replies, all have been useful. I've tried to be completely honest as I recognize it's the only way to get things right, I know I am flawed and made a terrible mistake, just as much as she did.

Just to clarify it's been a month since we've had contact and almost 2 months since the incident.

Overthrow wrote: »

The OP is only one side of the story. It sounds to me like she might have been annoyed with the clinginess. She has no obligation to contact you when you want her to, but you seem to think she is obligated.

If she disappears for a few days or drops out of contact, there's no need to try multiple times and methods to force a response from her. No wonder she reacted as she did.

If she feels like you're positioning or attempting to position her as emotionally responsible for you, then she might be thinking that she's not up to the task, especially with you being unable to accept not hearing from her for a few days thus maybe making her feel that she doesn't have much choice but to put things to an end.

Maybe she didn't handle it very well, but you say that "a friend wouldn't do this", but a friend would also not put such pressured expectation on a friend and go through the motions because of a few days of no contact. Her response here is very telling on how she might feel overbaring weight from the expectations you put on her;

She doesn't need to reassure you or explain herself, because she has no emotional responsibility towards you and if you think she does or should, that differential is the root of the problem.

So I don't agree that you need to forget about her, delete her number etc. You expected her to act a certain way, she didn't, and now the solution is to cut contact? I don't see you taking much responsibility yourself in how this whole thing panned out. As such I can see the same thing reoccurring with other people. So this is an important challenge for you.

I think you need to give it a few weeks/months, don't make any effort to contact her and try learn how to put less expectation on people. After a while get in touch again and with zero expectation reach out again in a gentle manner - but not overbaring her with emotional apologies or explanations.

If you're in love with her, then you need to make a choice as to whether you think it'll be reciprocated. If not, then you either need to try move past that if you still want to be friends, and again put no emotional expectation there.

I agree with a lot of this, though I think some parts are maybe too harsh. I have been completely honest here, I think it's pretty clear I made a mistake in pushing hard to figure out what was going on at a bad time for her and I regret it.

In terms of the clinginess thing, maybe though she had certainly been texting/calling just as much throughout up until she didn't show up and appeared to avoid contact. Definitely once that happened I reacted terribly, I made a bad mistake.

I do think I had reason to be annoyed, I mean the night beforehand she was texting me about how she was looking forward to meeting up only for me to spend an hour travelling to see her, waiting 20 minutes and then spending an hour going home. I'm told that she thought that she texted me that morning and that she'd talk to me during the week. She didn't so I texted her at the end of the week and she decided to ignore me, up to this point I don't think thats overbearing clinginess (maybe I am wrong?). I mean of course she doesn't have to talk to me, but I found that very rude and it seems like a bizarre and horrible time to start ignoring someone (of course her choice, but equally I'm not obligated to just take that behaviour). I accept I reacted terribly to being ignored, I think calling the next day was probably reasonable, but all after that was not good at all, I probably should have just said 'what a bitch' in my head and got on with life, but it's from mistakes we learn.

I hope she doesn't think I hold her emotionally responsible for me, because I do not at all. Common manners and living up to her word was all I expected, I didn't need details or any emotional involvement, just any symbol of basic respect. I mean she changed so much from how she would usually behave it was difficult for me not to react, in in reaction to her weirdness I went probably even weirder.

I know most people think I should ignore her. I wouldn't say I love her, I do like her and feel guilty about my role in what happened. At the same time I mean is it really too much to hope for an apology?

I do hope she gets in contact (she did say she'd talk to me around now- which is why i'm trying to get things straight in my head, but i'm guessing it's probably a 50/50 thing), even if we never become friends I would rather things to end amicably- I dont want to feel a doormat and I dont want her feeling massive expectation from me, I am guessing she doesn't think so much of me now though. I agree about taking emotion out of the mix, (I had tried doing that the last time and she was the one repeatedly bringing feelings up), I just hope that things aren't completely beyond repair.

jomawa9 · 01-07-2013 06:47PM

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Overthrow's advice is all very well, but the OP is someone who has limited experience of close relationships.

But OP. You have to toughen up. This won't be the first time this situation has happened, and it won't be the last. I don't think you'll be able to handle being friends right now. I'm with the others - you need to cut all contact for now. The girl is a headwrecker (as you say here), and will only mess you up further.

Expand your social circle. Make more friends. Maybe find another nice girl. If your friend decides to get in contact - great! If not - keep moving.

I think experiences like this are good for me. I know I've a lot to learn, and it's just a shame it's coming about a decade late for me. I do feel much less anxious about what she thinks of me, but if she gets in contact I want a healthy view on things.

I have been making great efforts and my social circle is looking reasonably healthy right now, and I'm starting to take better care of myself.

I do think I might need a change of counsellor, while it has helped and I've taken lots of new habits into my life, I think CBT would really benefit me as my thinking processes and self evaluation is definitely skewed.

LegacyUser · 15-07-2013 10:40PM

Hi, op here (forgot my password :I)

Well she got in touch last week and wanted to meet up- this time with a friend of hers. Unfortunately she couldn't make it and had to re-arrange but couldn't make that either.

I don't know what to make of it, I think she feels a bit cautious of me- probably rightly so, hopefully she remembers what I was like for the first few months and not just that week

.

I feel kind of guilty for what I did, but I'm also a bit worried that she still may not respect my time. Is it possible she could still think of me as a good person and just not realise that she does things that are a little devaluing? I mean if she thinks I'm a pathetic creep she wouldn't get back in touch?

I think I will organise something next week, if it needs more re-arranging I'll just give up (it's not so hard to pick a time and stick to it), if there isn't a mutual good feeling than hopefully just stop seeing eachother on good terms (hopefully).

Complicated Life & Complicated Girl

Comments