how to break up with someone you love

LegacyUser · 10-11-2013 07:41PM #1

I'm in a terrible position. I live with my partner of 2.5 years. I absolutely love him but, cutting a long story very short, being with him means sacrificing my career. He won't, or can't, emigrate and I think this is now the only option for me if I ever want to have any money or job or my own. I've spoken to him about it, obviously, but it comes back to this: I need to make up my mind - be here with him or leave without him. I'm 33 and he's 35. We planned to spend our whole lives together. I'm deeply upset about the idea of leaving him but every time I go to the dole office I feel a sense of dread and failure about letting myself down. I should go now before it goes on any longer, but how? Actually packing up my stuff and leaving the house we share together is too painful. I'm going out of my mind! If it was like a plaster I could just rip off I would, but it's not that easy. Anyone ever been in the same boat? I feel I need to make decisions for my own future happiness.

Media999 · 10-11-2013 11:26PM

Wont or Cant?

if Wont : Go

if Cant : Why not?

Matteroffact · 11-11-2013 02:31AM

Could you just try going away for a few months just to see how the land lies abroad. Then this would not look so final. You would have a comeback if things didn't work out and it would be easier to go knowing that it was just on a temporary basis. You could both agree that you just go away for a short while. He could visit you while you are away. You might find you want to come back again sooner than you think.

Mrs Garth Brooks · 11-11-2013 03:30AM

What do you mean by emigrating? Australia or Canada isnt for everyone. And its so far away from home. Some people are home birds. Would you try the UK. Its closer to home. Its similar landscape, shops and weather, same language and less than an hour on a plane.

11-11-2013 08:20AM

I've had two boyfriends emigrate.

First: Had to leave for work, told me in advance, when it came round we had decided to break up mutually and both knew where we stood. Still friends.

Second: Had to leave for work, didn't want to. We decided to break up but stay in contact, he's on a year long contract at the moment so if he finds something somewhere back here at the end we might rekindle things.

From my experience, the key is to make it a mutual decision. Tell him that you have to leave, and let him be part of the decision-making process. It doesn't have to be a case of dumping him, but rather the two of you weighing up your options and seeing what fits best. If he loves you, even if he can't go with you he should at least understand why you can't stay with him.

im confused again · 11-11-2013 08:57AM

True love is a hard thing to find. Many people go through their whole lives never having found it.
If you feel that he his your true love, that he is your soul mate then you will regret moving away.
You both have a lot to talk about, good, open and honest communications is essential.
Ireland is getting a bit better in regards to employment, I don't know your profession but I have the opinion that if somebody really wants to work, and really looks hard, then a job will come up.
It's a pity you can't go together, that would be an exciting adventure together.

Good luck with your decision.

heretochat · 11-11-2013 10:38AM

You mention that you want to go for the sake of your career but unless I missed it, you don't seem to mention whether your boyfriend has a career here himself.. Is that the reason why he won't consider leaving?

At the end of the day it is a decision that only you can make.. Although I think from your post that it is clear that you want to go.

Lux23 · 11-11-2013 04:44PM

I would never give up on love for a career. Who ever lay on their deathbed saying 'oh I wish I worked more'? You need to find another way OP.

Defiler Of The Coffin · 11-11-2013 07:17PM

Lux23 wrote: »

I would never give up on love for a career. Who ever lay on their deathbed saying 'oh I wish I worked more'? You need to find another way OP.

It's not that simple. I'm sure the OP didn't come to this lightly. It's unhelpful to come out with platitudes like the above, whatever about wishing I had worked less on my deathbed I certainly won't regret having had a decent fulfilling career, which I'm sure is what the OP wants. What's the point in being in love if it means sacrificing a big part of your life?

LegacyUser · 11-11-2013 08:55PM

thanks for all the advice. I'm American but I moved here when I was a teenager. If I go back to the States I'm much more likely to get a job. I have family both here in Ireland and in the States. My boyfriend has a farm so cannot (will not) leave. It's been in his family for generations. So I guess I should leave, otherwise I'll never work again. I do love him. At the start I had unrealistic ideas about living in the country, and I guess I thought I'd get a job in the city and could commute every day, but it's too far and there are no jobs anyway. I only moved here less than a year ago, in fact before then I was in Europe for 9 months and we managed a long distance relationship, so maybe I haven't given it enough time, but I'm not getting any younger and really feel I should make a decision.

LegacyUser · 12-11-2013 02:59AM

I can understand how you feel at the moment.
The reality for him is that if he has a farm he can't move away with you but ask yourself what does he expect you to do long term?
Does he think that you are going to put your life on hold untill he decided's that he wants to get married/ have children?

At 35 years of age he should be realise that you are unhappy about not having a job.
I also think you are unhappy with the fact that you moved back to Ireland to live with him almost 12 months ago and you see no sign of him to make plans re getting engaged/married or having a family with you.

Your now 32 and you have to consider your own long term future prospects.
My advice is that you tell him that you have decided to move away as you need to get a job
and to make plans for your own long term future.
I know it is not easy to end a realtionship but you have tried to get work near him and he is not making any effort to keep you at this stage.
I know woman who ended realtionships that were going no where and they went on to met men who wanted marriage/children.
Good luck in what you decide to do.

strobe · 12-11-2013 07:08AM

I don't know much about farming but with the unemployment in the country surely it must be an option for him to hire someone in to run the farm?

Would that be a possibility? Lease the farm for a period or hire someone to run it? Then maybe the two of you could make the move to the US, for a trial period perhaps, say a year or 18 months, to see how things go. Several other options or possibilities could open up within that time.

convert · 12-11-2013 05:08PM

Farming isn't as simple as that, strobe. If it's not a tillage farm, and there are animals, it's very difficult to just lease the animals to a new 'owner' for a period of time. If the farm has been in the family for generations, then the stock that are there are the product of years of breeding, and can't just simply be handed over to someone else, or indeed sold. If things didn't work out in the US, then he could have nothing to come back to. If he's running a farm, he can't just up and leave like that. It would take a very long time to arrange things, if he did decide to lease even a tillage farm. It's not like a standard job or situation.

OP, you seem to want your partner to emigrate with you. Have you given any thought to what he'd do if he moved over with you? Has he any qualifications/experience, other than in ag, which would help him get a job? If not, and you're moving to a city, would he be able to get work in ag somewhere close by/within commuting distance? You're unhappy not being able to find work here at the moment, so you need to think about how he'd feel if he was in a similar position abroad.

From what you've said, I think you both really need to sit down and talk this through in a lot more detail. At the moment, to me, you really seem to come across as looking at what you want - which is entirely understandable - but you need to think about what would happen if he went to the US with you. How would he feel? What would he have to return to at home if things didn't work out/he couldn't find a job? It's not so simple for him to up-and-leave a successful farm for the unknown. Talk though all the options together and come to a mutual decision.

LegacyUser · 12-11-2013 06:10PM

Thanks again for the replies. We've spoken about it at length. He does have qualifications that he could use if we lived abroad but he doesn't want to leave. It's as simple as that: I stay with him or I go without him. He says the farm life is a better life for kids (that we don't have yet!) than in the US and since it's in his long-term plan anyway, even if we left together he would want to come back to Ireland within 2/3 years max. Some replies mentioned marriage - that's not a problem for him, he has said he wants to marry me, it's me that isn't sure because I can't get work, we don't have much money and I'd be worried that if we get married we'll never ever move from here. I like it here but I'm not sure I can live with no career. Sometimes I think I can live with it, other times I think I can't. We used to have this big plan that when our (imaginary!) kids are in school he'll be a stay at home dad so I can go back to work, because he knows my career is important to me. Then I realised there's no jobs at all for me here, so what - after 5/6/7 years out of the labour force - would I be returning to? At the same time if I go back to America, having not lived there since I was very young, I have no guarantee I'll even like it, or whether I'll miss my partner, or even whether I'll get a job. But the fact is there are more opportunities than there are here in Ireland, where it seems there are none.

CaraMay · 13-11-2013 07:33AM

Is it possible to work in Dublin / uk and come home at weekends. It may not be ideal if kids come along but maybe things will have picked up by then.

For me my little family is much more important than anything else but I understand you may not feel the same. Have you considered moving back to the states and brung single. Would you be happy being single again?

Merkin · 13-11-2013 09:35AM

You seem to have quite a fatalistic approach about your career prospects in Ireland if you don't mind my saying. I don't want to patronise you but can you truly say that you have exhausted every single avenue? Really? Because I know a lot of people find it hard to get work but if you are professionally trained (and I am presuming you are as you are referring to a career) then there are always prospects out there. Have you exhausted every avenue? Would you consider retraining or upskilling? Have you got a really good CV together? Have you actually been attending interviews on foot of that? What is the feedback from them? These are all crucial questions that need answering. You've said that you need to leave the country but I don't think that's really necessary and oftentimes it's a case of simply looking outside the box.

Is is that you you feel emigration is your only possible choice or is the prospect of living on a farm for the rest of your life the real issue at play here? Maybe you need to consider that as a factor also.

how to break up with someone you love

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