Finally I had the courage to end it

otnomart · 29-12-2013 10:06AM #1

I had written another thread some time ago, to explain how my boyfriend was depressed and threatening suicide.
I had stayed with him, against my better judgment, and continued witnessing his several crisis: staring in the void, waking up saying there was no point in living.
Today I picked up the courage to end it.
We spent Christmas apart with our respective families, and were due to spend New Year's together. But, I could not face it. I couldn't.
I remembered many of you saying there was no good time to end a relationship.
I wrote him an email saying that our relationship (we have been together 5 months) worked only until he managed to hide his depression, for the first 2 months maybe.
But, I am not a therapist and I can not help him any further.
I told him I have still feelings for him, but, he can not give me what I need, unless and until he seeks help and goes to a therapist.
Thank God, he has not mentioned suicide in his reply.
So far his reaction has been that he would still like to spend New Year's Eve together, and stay friends, like he did with his exes.
I have not replied to this.
I feel so sad, can't see how I can rebuild from this relationship, which left me really hurt, although it was quite short.
I don't have many friends to confide on, and at the moment I have no-one physically close to me. They are all either travelling for the holidays, or live abroad.
Thanks for listening

otnomart · 29-12-2013 10:14AM

As I wrote that things between us were fine, till he managed to hide his depression from me, he replied that he did not hide it, and that his depression comes up only when he is unhappy.
So is he blaming me for it, now?
I don't know what to think anymore.
He still says he is free to meet these days, as he is not in work.
I am already sad as it is, I think I will be distraught if we met up...

Penny Tration · 29-12-2013 10:19AM

Why are you still talking to him? Please, for your sake cut contact now before he sucks you back in.

wirelessdude01 · 29-12-2013 10:25AM

You told him it was over so that it that. You have said in very plain language what he needs to do now so the ball is in his court. Do not reply to him any more.

tinkerbell · 29-12-2013 10:27AM

OP, stop talking to him. Cut off contact completely. If you keep in contact you are fooling yourself and allowing him to stay hopeful that here's a chance for you in the future when there is not.

send him a message to say that you feel it is best that you no longer keep in contact and wish him the best for the New Year. Do not reply then to anymore emails or texts or phone calls. Move on with your life.

Stavro Mueller · 29-12-2013 10:36AM

I'm glad to see you finally found the courage to end it with this guy. I know it's not easy to switch off feelings you have for someone but you really could do without having them for this guy. Look how broken you are after a short relationship with him? Relationships aren't supposed to drain you and leave you feeling utterly miserable.

You sound like you could do with talking to someone yourself. I don't know what sort of counselling services are available this time of year. But even if you just pick up the phone and call The Samaritans it might help you get this off your chest. Their number is 1850 60 90 90

otnomart · 29-12-2013 10:54AM

I don't live in Ireland so don't know what counseling services are available here.
He texted me to ask to talk about it face to face.
I don't really feel I can do this.
I will reply I will not meet him.
This is so hard.
Thank you all

Stavro Mueller · 29-12-2013 10:59AM

Maybe there's help you can get on this page which I've pasted the link into below this paragraph. You really need to talk to someone I think and get all this off your chest. You're vulnerable as hell and this guy won't need to do very much at all to reel you back in again. As everyone else is saying, cut contact with him. Don't reply to his texts or emails, don't answer his calls. If you have a smartphone, I strongly suggest you put an app onto it to block his number.

http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/different-ways-you-can-get-touch/outside-uk-or-ireland

Taltos · 29-12-2013 11:18AM

What's to talk about?
It's over - cut all contact for both of your sakes and if you have the option block his number and emails. Similarly if you are on facebook or another social media site block him.

The others above have it spot on - as long as you remain in contact you are being sucked back in and will be made to feel like it is your responsibility. You have already made the tough call - now follow through and sever all contact before you get hurt even more.

Big Bag of Chips · 29-12-2013 11:26AM

Do not meet up with him. I rememeber your other posts, and times you thought you'd have to end it, and then he came back to you in great form and you decided to give it another try...??

Remember?

Don't meet him. You have "finally had the courage to end it" as you say yourself, so keep it ended. This relationship is not good for you. You have already admitted to changing your behaviour to keep him happy, and then there would be another problem, and you would change something else about yourself. I know you had/have feelings for him, but it's not enough. You are not responsible for his happiness, and even if you were, you would never be able to make him be happy.

if you must send him one last reply, reply to him that you are cutting contact with him and cannot be in any more communication with him. And then do it.

Direct his emails to spam. Block him from Facebook/whatever. Block his number if you can on your phone. You have finally realised you need to end it. Meeting him and continuing to be in contact with him is only prolonging the inevitable. You will eventually have to stop him contacting you. So you might as well do it now.

otnomart · 29-12-2013 11:33AM

I said that I I have no more to say apart what was already in my email
He said he understands
I now hope he will finally see a therapist

CaraMay · 29-12-2013 02:05PM

otnomart wrote: »

I now hope he will finally see a therapist

Thats a nice sentiment op but you need to grasp the fact that it's not your problem anymore.

otnomart · 29-12-2013 08:39PM

Thank you all
I am trying to get through this first day
I hope it will get easier with time, but now I feel the lowest I have been in a long time
I called a local helpline (the Befrienders do not have one in the country I am in) and the person on the line was very sympathetic and kind.
I am glad I called them, I needed to talk to someone today

Stavro Mueller · 29-12-2013 08:57PM

Don't be afraid to pick up the phone and call that helpline again if you feel your resolve is weakening. You know in your heart and soul that you are better off without this man in your life. You're only with him a few short months and already you're a broken person. He is never going to be the boyfriend you want him to be. The sooner you accept that and cut all contact, the better.

Taltos · 29-12-2013 09:22PM

Sters2014 - due to the nature of your reply and our strict charter I have deleted your post. Please ensure you read and follow our charter before posting again. While you may feel your post was appropriate it was not truly constructive and was more in the vein of hijacking or at best projecting your personal experience to the OP, whose situation while similar may not benefit from your story.

Thanks
Taltos

Sters2014 · 29-12-2013 09:24PM

Taltos wrote: »

Sters2014 - due to the nature of your reply and our strict charter I have deleted your post. Please ensure you read and follow our charter before posting again. While you may feel your post was appropriate it was not truly constructive and was more in the vein of hijacking or at best projecting your personal experience to the OP, whose situation while similar may not benefit from your story.

Thanks
Taltos

My apologies

otnomart · 30-12-2013 10:02AM

He wrote again that a therapist can not help the way he is.
That the attacks I witnessed, only manifest themselves when he is in a relationship and someone gets "too close" to him.
Apparently they happened with two previous relationships.
If this was a way to blame me, I don't think it is me causing them.
I don't know the other two women, but they can not possibly be identical to me, and making the same "mistakes" in the relationship.
I had not pressurised him into anything (kids, moving in together) in any case.
Whatever it is (incapability of being in a relationship?) I do not think is anything to do with me
I think there is nothing more I can do for him now, just to look after myself and try to move on.
Thank you all and I am happy to close this thread

CaraMay · 30-12-2013 10:17AM

Block his emails as he is a parasite and attention seeker. He will continue to torrure you.

Meauldsegosha · 30-12-2013 10:38AM

Why are you still reading his email. He has now got inside your head that you are to blame for his depression. I would suggest that you could do with some counselling yourself. You were only in this relationship for a short time and he completely messed with your head the whole time.

Please block/delete all contacts you have for him and talk to someone about this.

Merkin · 30-12-2013 10:38AM

otnomart wrote: »

He wrote again that a therapist can not help the way he is.
That the attacks I witnessed, only manifest themselves when he is in a relationship and someone gets "too close" to him.
Apparently they happened with two previous relationships.
If this was a way to blame me, I don't think it is me causing them.
I don't know the other two women, but they can not possibly be identical to me, and making the same "mistakes" in the relationship.
I had not pressurised him into anything (kids, moving in together) in any case.
Whatever it is (incapability of being in a relationship?) I do not think is anything to do with me
I think there is nothing more I can do for him now, just to look after myself and try to move on.
Thank you all and I am happy to close this thread

STOP engaging with him!

Taltos · 30-12-2013 11:50AM

OK OP - this might seem harsh but hopefully the message will get across.

Like your last thread we are now going in circles with everyone telling you to cut contact. We cannot be clearer on that. As at this point you will just receive the same advice over and over we are closing this thread as only you can make the decision to follow through or not. However leaving this open runs the risk of it turning into a blog with the contributors here getting more and more frustrated at having to repeatedly advise you on the same item...

Best of luck - and for what it's worth - ending it was the right thing but you definitely need to cut all contact.

Taltos

Finally I had the courage to end it

Comments