I seem to be everyone's "problem solver"

Est28 · 05-05-2014 01:02AM #1

Hey folks,
I'm not sure what advice anyone might have really but need to get it off my chest at least...

I seem to constantly be the person who has to sort of people's problems, be the peace maker, be the problem solver, be the shoulder to cry/lean on, etc... etc...

In fairness, I'd do anything for good friends so if someone needs to get something off their chest, I don't mind doing what I can even if it's just listening. But it's like I'm constantly listening to others problems and doing this... but who the heck can I talk to myself?

I tend to put a positive spin on things and be a logical thinker so I guess people see me as a problem solver... but listening to other peoples whoa does 2 things. It just brings me down, my friends moan about the same things over and over, for example, the fact they are single... I mean, I listen, but I'm single too, and while I feel fine being single, when they start going on about themselves it almost put me on a downer myself just listening to it all.

Yesterday I had 2 friends going at it with each other and they both put me in the middle of it. I wouldn't take sides and had to spend the afternoon calming both down and getting them to compromise on something, while convincing both I'm not taking sides.... and I felt the whole arguement was stupid and pointless anyway but they made me part of it. It just wore me out.

I'm not a big complainer but you know... sometimes we all have problems and want to get something off our chests but I seem to just listen to other peoples stuff all the time... that alone brings me down, and sometimes you just need to have a rant and then everything's fine, I end up bottling up everything and at times it gets frustrating.

December2012 · 05-05-2014 06:43AM

Well I'd say firstly that you don't have to get in the middle of anything. If your friends fight, let them sort it out. If they talk to you about it, tell them you don't want to talk about it or hear your friend being bad mouthed and to go sort it out with that person.

Secondly, if you have a problem you want to talk about then find somebody who will listen. You may have to preface this (if they are used to you not talking about yourself they might not know how to behave / react). So you could say "listen I really need to talk to you about something, it's probably just a vent, but can you listen to me for a few minutes? Thanks" and you'll find that most people will sit down and listen.

Thirdly don't be afraid of confrontation.

And don't be a doormat for other people to clean their emotional footprints on.

Skidfingers · 05-05-2014 01:50PM

This may seem harsh, and I'm sure a lot mightn't agree, but you shouldn't listen to their problems, if they aren't willing to listen to yours. They may think at first you're being ignorant, but eventually they'll learn or you can tell them that you rely on the same from them. It should make you become closer to them as friends and build a tighter relationship.

Big Bag of Chips · 05-05-2014 02:27PM

Est28 wrote: »

I felt the whole arguement was stupid and pointless anyway but they made me part of it.

Nope! You made yourself part of it. If you don't want to get caught in the middle tell them that their argument is "stupid and pointless" and that you are not getting involved.

Then leave them to figure it out themselves. You can only get dragged into situations if you engage and allow yourself to be dragged in.

If someone starts telling you their woes and you don't want to listen, make a few sympathetic noises and then change the subject.

Est28 · 05-05-2014 04:24PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Nope! You made yourself part of it. If you don't want to get caught in the middle tell them that their argument is "stupid and pointless" and that you are not getting involved.

I'm not seeking out drama.
This particular situation impacted me too... the 1st guy had something he needed to do which impacted us, he hadn't done it, they ended up in a huge fight and I had to tell them both the chill out and I wasn't getting involved in the arguement.
But the thing had to be sorted because it would end up costing us all money if it wasn't resolved. But since they refused to sort it out themselves I had to play peace maker to shut them both up.

They should be grown up enough to sort it themselves but both want their own way and won't sort it.

That was just one example. I'm not seeking out others drama to put myself in the middle, life's not that black and white... I'm in the middle because I'm put there, and the options are to play peace maker and problem solver or just let the whole situation blow up.

LegacyUser · 05-05-2014 04:53PM

Some people are naturally easy to open up to and naturally good listeners. It sounds like you're both. That's a wonderful quality to have.

Where it gets difficult is coming to grips with the fact that most people don't work like that. So while you may find yourself being drawn into someone else's emotional discussions, they don't experience the same draw to yours. I found myself in that position recently and began to resent one of my friends for it. I dealt with this by reminding myself that he wouldn't instinctively respond in the same way I would, and therefore it wasn't a quid pro quo on emotional support. So I pulled back on that side of things. I consciously avoided getting too deeply involved in his dramas. This came as a shock to him as he had become so used to getting a lot of time from me, but pretty quickly he stopped demanding so much emotional time from me and focused more on the fun side of our friendship. Of course I'm still here for him if things are really serious.

Now the other side of this is that you need someone to listen to your problems and give you emotional time. The funny thing is, often you just need to ask. People will assume you're ok otherwise because they're not looking for a problem. It is human nature to empathise when someone is in distress, but sometimes you need to point out explicitly to people that you are in distress for them to realise it.

loalae · 05-05-2014 05:11PM

Nah, until you recognise your part in allowing yourself to be put in the middle of dramas there's not all that much anyone here can say to you.

People put you in that position because you let them and you take on the role of peace-keeper. If you stop allowing people to do that to you, they'll either find someone else or figure it out themselves. You don't have to be a martyr to your friends' dramas and if you stop them including you in their crap, they'll stop telling you about it. You just have to figure out if that's what you really want or if you actually secretly enjoy being their go-to-drama-fixer!

Big Bag of Chips · 05-05-2014 05:15PM

Est28 wrote: »

I'm in the middle because I'm put there, and the options are to play peace maker and problem solver or just let the whole situation blow up.

Ok. In the situation where it impacts you, then play peacemaker and get it sorted. In other situations, where it doesn't impact you, just let it all blow up. So what?! People are responsible for their own lives. You are allowing yourself to take on everyone else's problems. It is bothering you, which is why you posted here. So stop doing it.

If this is a big enough issue that it is grating on you, and leading you to post here, then you either have friends who are constantly making dramas and need rescuing. In which case you tell them to back away from the drama. There's no need for it. Or you are over involved and dragging yourself into dramas.

I never have friends falling out or need to act as "problem solver" for anyone. I haven't done since Leaving Cert! So either the people I hang around with are too laid back, or the people you hang around with are too highly strung!

If someone gets themselves into a situation that "blows up", and it doesn't concern/affect/impact you, let them at it. It might teach them not to get into that situation next time.

Est28 · 05-05-2014 06:22PM

Ok... fair enough if it's my fault.

I mean, in this one situation. It was about a booking he was meant to have made to an event. He was meant to organize it about 2 months ago but kept putting it off. Now the hotels are 2-3 times the price for us to go. Since myself and the other guy had already organized our share, event tickets, etc... the last guy hadn't done his bit....
So there had to be SOMETHING done but the first guy chose to start any arguement. I mean, it does make a difference to me. By leaving it go its only going to dig into my pocket more plus I have to deal with them both on the weekend so I don't want everyone at each others throats.

I mean, life isn't that black and white as you're putting it. What I'm saying is, the situation was relevant to me, but they should have just done their part as agreed earlier and then there'd never be any conflict. But rather they decided to start the conflict and at that point, it sort of did involve my own interests too, I just assumed they could sort it without all the conflict.

The guy who didn't do his part was being stubborn, literally, the more we asked if he had it sorted or when he would sort it, or if we could help him sort it, if he hadnt had time, the more he dug his heels in about it and wouldn't do it because we were getting on him. Which was just so silly to start an arguement over than just get it done and over with or let us help him do it.

It's not as cut and dry as "I'm feeding or searching out their dramas".

December2012 · 05-05-2014 06:29PM

But this isn't the only time you have felt like this.

So there has to be a common link?

Big Bag of Chips · 05-05-2014 06:52PM

Ok, in this instance you took it on yourself to try keep the peace. From what you say, you weren't in the middle of an argument between 2 lads - one fella didn't organise himself, cost you and your other friend more money, and then started an argument about it. So you stepped in to sort it out, as much for your benefit as anyone else's.

Like I said, in a situation where it directly impacts you, of course you need to get involved.

I'm talking about all the other times. You feel like you are "everyones" problem solver. So there are many more instances than just this one. You say people use you to off-load their woes. I say, make a few sympathetic noises and change the subject! You don't have to sit there listening to people droning on. Either change the subject to something else, make your excuses and leave, or be straight up with them and tell them you are out to enjoy yourself so 'no moaning'!

loalae · 05-05-2014 07:02PM

What are you asking here? Are you annoyed about this incident or are you talking in a more general way about how you usually relate to people?

In relation to the incident, yep your friend sounds a bit flaky which can be very annoying. And I think you're right to be annoyed about him not pulling his weight (and so is your other friend). But at this point all you can do is realise that he's a flake and don't give him any responsibility again.

But this incident isn't really about you solving other people's problems. You were trying to sort out your own problem. So I don't get how you've come to the conclusion that you're everyone's "problem solver" from this particular incident.

Rubberchikken · 05-05-2014 07:49PM

Know how you feel.
I've always ended up listening to everyones problems but the first time i attempted to open up with a problem i was having, i felt that the person just wasnt interested, so i dont tend to do it anymore:(

Hasnt stopped me being a good listener. Some people are, some aren't.

You may need to find a particular person to listen to you. It's an art

Moonberry · 05-05-2014 08:59PM

Hi OP,

I can relate a lot to what you're saying and I know how frustrating it can be to hear that you should just let things go sometimes (and how impossible it seems!) but it is really good advice.

I know this particular situation affected you personally but if there are other situations which don't directly affect you sometimes it's ok to let things just blow up. I personally often feel like I HAVE to sort out people's problems and realistically it doesn't do either myself or them any good, at certain points you have to stop mothering people and let them sort things out themselves.

I'm not saying to not listen to people at all if they need a shoulder to cry on or a helping hand but it's just about finding a balance where you don't feel like you're constantly doing it and where it's negatively affecting your own mental health. If your friends are getting into arguments and it doesn't directly affect you, you really don't have to be getting involved even if they try to bring you into it

I seem to be everyone's "problem solver"

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