Feel like I'm not normal, older than my years

anto101 · 16-06-2014 03:25PM #1

Hi guys, I'm 16, teenage boy and just about to go into sixth year. I'm generally happy in my life, I have a good life at home, but in relation to my peers, I feel different. Without sounding snobby, I am intelligent and want a high driven career after school, and I feel nothing but disdain for the prevailing attitude amongst guys at my school, the 'ah it'll be grand, don't work and waste the class time' crowd. I'm very driven, work hard, and do well in tests etc. I've never really felt comfortable or at ease talking to people my age. I'd rather talk to people a lot older, adults really, who I feel like I'm on the same level with. I have always been described by teachers as 'very mature'. To be frank I feel as though I have nothing to talk to my peers about.
I do have a few friends at school, mainly who are into the same clubs and interests as me, but it stops there. I don't do the whole going out, getting drunk, drugs and casual sex culture that is out there. I went out to a Disco with friends last year and hated it! Glad I did though, now I know it's not for me. Many times I have wished I could be into it. But I'd rather stay home, watch what they'd call 'boring' documentaries or read. I don't play GAA or soccer at all. I do exercise though, I do run daily and swim. I always see these parties and gatherings on Facebook, to which I'm never invited, and sometimes that does upset me. But I do console myself with the belief that I will get ahead, whereas they will live the same life there parents are living, social welfare 'bums'. Please don't call me snooty!
I am also not that 'attractive', I know I'm not! And at 16, I have never kissed a girl, whereas most of my peers have gone an awful lot further. I'd be quite prudish in that I don't think under age girls should be acting like that. I would love a girlfriend, not for the physical, but for the emotional. Someone to talk to openly, share my fears and joys, someone to cherish and to love. Whereas most of my friends would go for the airhead, slutty, good looking girl, I'd actually rather someone I can appreciate the finer things in life with and actually be able to have a conservation with. My greatest fear is that I'll get to 50 and achieve everything I wanted to but turn around to realise I've nobody to share my successes with. I'd love to be a father as well someday. But I fear, because of my looks, I'll never have that part of my life. That really annoys me sometimes:(
I'd love some advise on this, or anybody who was, or is, in the same boat as me. Thank you!

Pawwed Rig · 16-06-2014 03:36PM

Wow There is alot there.

First off don't be overly concerned with the looks/girlfriend thing. You will find that you are your own worst critic. Personally I could find something wrong with almost every part of my body

1. 1 ear bigger than the other
2. nose slants slightly to the right
3. Face non symetrical
4. freckles on my arms
5. A few scars
6. arms slightly shorter than average etc etc etc
but guess what? noone notices any of these things except me or at least not to the extent that I used to be paranoid about them.

Girls are not that shallow that they will only go for the guys who have the Hollywood looks. When you really get to know someone you will realise that looks become less and less important.

In the meantime keep working hard, set your goals for what you want to do. When you get to college you will be with people more similar to yourself that have shared goals. Focus on that for the meantime. A good leaving is the gateway to so much in Ireland.

ShowMeTheCash · 16-06-2014 04:02PM

Hey OP-

Life is long, you have your entire adult life to be an adult I would not worry too much about it just yet...

Being mature is in the doing and experiences you had to change and challenge your ideas.
I know a lot of people who are older but not very mature in their thinking!

You are at perhaps a transitional age, you are close to the end of what you now know and close to embarking on the unknown....
You may have an idea of what you plan to do but the best experiences in life you will probably find are not planned..

I will leave you with two thoughts:

“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.”
“Education is the kindling of a flame, not the filling of a vessel.”

Socrates

GerB40 · 16-06-2014 04:09PM

When I was 16 I was that lad you don't want to be. Drinking, smoking, drugs, girls of questionable morals, the antithesis of you basically. At the time I loved it.
I'm 28 now and I am, by my admission, a fúck up. Only lately have I turned my life around (60 odd days sober) but I genuinely feel I've missed out on my adolescence. If only I was as mature as you when I was 16 my life would be far better than it is.
The reason I'm sharing this with you is not for pity, (in fact I feel the better now than I've ever felt before) it's to let you know that you're going to be okay in life..
Firstly peer pressure can lead people astray in life. Constantly trying to compare/compete with others can and will stifle you and you sound too smart for that.
Secondly, even if you don't factor in your age, you're immensely mature. Age isn't a barometer of how well one does in life, attitude is. And you certainly have the right attitude to make of your life what you want. You're going places.
Lastly, you say you're sometimes upset about not being invited to events. In the long run you'll see this as rather trivial but it can be frustrating at the time so here's a true (very short) story. Last year I got a call from a lad I know asking was I heading out for a few drinks. Not unusual itself but his reason for going out was that the leaving cert results were out that day and it would be great craic. He was 31.... He partied all the time through secondary school and hasn't stopped since. I doubt he'll be alive in five years time.

So in a nutshell, the things you think you're missing out on won't define you, only you can do that. And it sounds like you're more than capable of that. Hope that helps.

fits · 16-06-2014 04:54PM

OP you do sound like you have your head screwed on, but maybe lighten up a bit? It sounds like you take yourself very seriously. It is possible to party and have a good career too (within reason). Things will be better when you get to university and you can join clubs and societies that interest you.

Rubberchikken · 16-06-2014 07:57PM

It wont be looks that will make and keep a relationship, in the end it'll be the type of person you are.
I know you're 16 and they're lots of maturing to do, so 'll go easy.

You might feel more mature and prefer talking to older people and that's fine but you need to be less judgemental of kids your age.
They're living life the way they want and you must live yours the way you want.
Try to lighten up a bit:)

Alf. A. Male · 16-06-2014 08:09PM

I was the total opposite of you at that age and I've achieved professionally. Fair play for your attitude to taking control of your future, but lose the judgemental attitude towards your peers, not a lot wrong with what they're doing at 16 and you have no clue whether they achieve what you believe they should or not. It is also what is probably at the back of your lack of attractiveness to girls, such an intense mindset and looking down your nose at "slutty" girls is offputting.

Lou.m · 16-06-2014 08:38PM

anto101 wrote: »

Hi guys, I'm 16, teenage boy and just about to go into sixth year. I'm generally happy in my life, I have a good life at home, but in relation to my peers, I feel different. Without sounding snobby, I am intelligent and want a high driven career after school, and I feel nothing but disdain for the prevailing attitude amongst guys at my school, the 'ah it'll be grand, don't work and waste the class time' crowd. I'm very driven, work hard, and do well in tests etc. I've never really felt comfortable or at ease talking to people my age. I'd rather talk to people a lot older, adults really, who I feel like I'm on the same level with. I have always been described by teachers as 'very mature'. To be frank I feel as though I have nothing to talk to my peers about.
I do have a few friends at school, mainly who are into the same clubs and interests as me, but it stops there. I don't do the whole going out, getting drunk, drugs and casual sex culture that is out there. I went out to a Disco with friends last year and hated it! Glad I did though, now I know it's not for me. Many times I have wished I could be into it. But I'd rather stay home, watch what they'd call 'boring' documentaries or read. I don't play GAA or soccer at all. I do exercise though, I do run daily and swim. I always see these parties and gatherings on Facebook, to which I'm never invited, and sometimes that does upset me. But I do console myself with the belief that I will get ahead, whereas they will live the same life there parents are living, social welfare 'bums'. Please don't call me snooty!
I am also not that 'attractive', I know I'm not! And at 16, I have never kissed a girl, whereas most of my peers have gone an awful lot further. I'd be quite prudish in that I don't think under age girls should be acting like that. I would love a girlfriend, not for the physical, but for the emotional. Someone to talk to openly, share my fears and joys, someone to cherish and to love. Whereas most of my friends would go for the airhead, slutty, good looking girl, I'd actually rather someone I can appreciate the finer things in life with and actually be able to have a conservation with. My greatest fear is that I'll get to 50 and achieve everything I wanted to but turn around to realise I've nobody to share my successes with. I'd love to be a father as well someday. But I fear, because of my looks, I'll never have that part of my life. That really annoys me sometimes:(
I'd love some advise on this, or anybody who was, or is, in the same boat as me. Thank you!

Listen don't define yourself by who wants to get with you.

To me attraction is based on a lot more than looks.

You will be the right package for quite a few women out there.

And all teens feel down about their looks. You are probably a lot more attractive than you feel. So feel GOOD about you....feel good about you not to get dates ...but simply because YOU are worth feeling good about and you should be happy in yourself.

Accept your peers for who they are. Some are more decent than you think and realize there is a medium. Avoid drinking and alcohol for now ...but have a little perspective and remember you would not like to be judged unfairly either.

You will find a lot of girls your age are similar to you and feel similarly about a lot of things.

I was a late bloomer romantically don't let it bother you. Everyone has to do that at their pace.

newdriverlad · 16-06-2014 09:56PM

One thing I would say to you is. To try and cut out judging people for the way the look/dress/job they do/if there on social welfare. You have no idea what people has being through in their lives.
Its great that you want a high driven career and if you feel achieving this will make you happy then study and try and achieve it but remember having a high driven career/lots of money doesn't mean you'll be happy. I know people who are in the thirties/forthies. Who left school and worked in local shops and they are really happy and some aren't same goes with people with great jobs. Some are happy/some aren't. I've a family member who was very like you at school. There now in there thirties and have a great job/house/car but they aren't very happy with there life and have never had a real relationship because there very judgemental of people.
As for drinking its no big deal to be honest, I didn't drink until I was 19(I did have a pint on a school trip when I was 16, somebody bought it for me) people always respected I didn't want to drink and I was friends with some of the real popular kids in school but I was confident/sort of cocky so I was respected by people. Whilst the people who were saying they were on medication/already drank/etc were the ones who were bullied.
Your probably not that ugly(alot people think they are at that age) When I was around your age I thought I was ugly but after a while. I sort of just said to myself. 'Your not that bad looking' and I sort of believed in myself a lot more. After this I had more luck with girls.
I never really liked teenage discos either. I went to a few and found them childish. I used go to tennis a lot with people and made a lot of friends/girlfriends there. When I went to college. I went to clubs/pubs a good bit but this was because I had a good circle of friends and we used always have a great time.(it didn't matter if you drank or not) these people were people I could go for food with/on a drive/to the beech/shopping/list is endless because we were good friends.
When I was about 12/13 in first year I was alone and used sit in watching TV/studying. I thought I was a good little boy. I was messserable tough. It wasn't until I started to put myself out there that I made friends. I just loosened up and people got to like me/befriend me.(some even said to they thought I was a really snobby git) I gained confidence and made friends. I'm now in my twenties (have the odd pint,have done some mad stuff with friends,went to college) and I'm happy.
So what I'm basically saying is do what makes you happy(as long as it doesn't hurt others) if you want to meet people maybe join a club with an interest you have. Believe in yourself a little. Good luck!

anto101 · 16-06-2014 11:10PM

Hi guys, thank you for all your replies. Keep them coming guys. I suppose I should respond to some of the areas you raised,

1) Thank you to all you that said, 'you are your own worst critic' etc in relation to looks. I was born with a condition that affected my facial structure, so I do understand why I'm such a turnoff to girls. I've been texting and emailing girls, all going great, and when they ask for FaceBook, it all comes to a stop. I do try to hope that not all girls are shallow.

And, 2) I do understand that it might appear that I do look down and judge people. Maybe I do, I am a very cynical person! But I have often thought that it was a form of jealousy! I do think that what I have described is your normal, typical Teenager, and as I said, I do wish I could be that. It's easier to be like everybody else!

Thanks guys

castaway_lady · 18-06-2014 08:30PM

One for you boyo.....university!

You obviously have a bit of wisdom beyond your years and know yourself quite well, but your brain has another 10 years of maturing to do and that will change how you see the world as will your future experiences.
College will most likely be where you start to find your niche in the world. That's not to say that it wont also change your frivolous classmates too who remember may do just as well as you in life.

In terms of girls, later on when you're mixing with people of similar interest and motivation in life it will probably happen there for you.

Your job now....live and let live....make the most of your chances, keep an open mind to experiences (within reason).

19-06-2014 12:12AM

Firstly, some nice things. Yes, it must be very difficult for you. 16 is pretty young to be worrying about not being with anybody, but it can feel horrible. I've been there, most people have, and I know it can feel like everyone else is getting exactly what they want in life while all you can do is look at it on Facebook and feel like nothing's ever going to happen for you. It turns out that most people aren't doing HALF of what they say they're doing. Most people's Facebook's look far more interesting than they really are. Most photos are staged to look like everyone's having an awesome time, but a lot of the time they're too busy getting their profilers just right to actually enjoy themselves. When I was your age, the girl in my group of friends who had the most impressive, fun looking facebook life was actually the least craic in the group - she just spent all her time at parties trying to get good photos in!

As for getting with people, all my friends were prettier than me and had had lots of boyfriends, and talked about sex all the time. It wasn't until we were all about 21 than I found out I had lost my virginity years before them, because I had assumed everyone was doing it - they weren't. There are plenty of people your age that haven't kissed anyone else or had any real contact with girls.

It sounds like you feel really isolated. Trust me, a lot of people feel like that. Even people that seem like they don't care, or seem very confident, probably have a lot of the same worries as you.

Secondly, I have some not-so-nice things to say (I mean well, I promise!). Your viewpoint is perfectly understandable, but at the same time, you do need to reassess your attitude. You're going to encounter many more considerable difficulties in life if you carry on seeing yourself as separate to your peers. You say you don't want to sound snobby, but you do. You're essentially saying that you don't like your position, but that you console yourself with the knowledge that the reason your different is because you're better than them (you didn't say that, I know, but look at how your wording comes across).

You've stated that you will get ahead. How do you expect to get ahead if you refuse to see the value in other people? Networking, teamwork, social skills etc. are important skills for getting 'ahead'. You say your classmates will live the same life their parents are living. So you seem to think that none of them have aspirations. Sure, maybe some of them don't, but some of them do. Just because they haven't announced their hopes and dreams to the world doesn't mean they don't have any. You say that their parents are social welfare 'bums', and that that's all the kids will ever be. It's a terrible way to view people. There are some lazy people out there - but who do you think fills lecture halls in this country? People like you, AND people like your peers. They can achieve a lot, and they don't need to know what that is at 16.

You've called the typical girl that your friends like the 'airhead, slutty, good looking girl'. You realise how offensive that is?
'Airhead' - I'd bet a lot of those girls are a lot more intelligent than you think they are, but even if they were empty between the ears - so what? If someone isn't openly as intelligent as you that's something you hold against them?
'Slutty' - I'd love to know what you even mean by this. They get with lads, so they're sluts? Or is it something their demeanour that you're judging? Is a girl who likes kissing/sex etc. (which are all natural human acts) somehow less-than?
'Good-looking girl' - and you call the girls shallow? You're going to hold it against someone that they're attractive. I don't even know how to explain to you that that's incredibly shallow and judgmental.
You also said that you don't think under age girls should be acting like 'that' (I'm not 100% sure what 'that' is). These classmates of yours are going through a hard time too. Often people don't know where they fit in, especially in their teens, and a lot of the time, getting attention/validation from peers is a way that people can feel like they belong. Yes, some people are crude about it, but they're teenagers, give them a break.

anto101 wrote: »

My greatest fear is that I'll get to 50 and achieve everything I wanted to but turn around to realise I've nobody to share my successes with.

If you want someone to share your successes with, try to actually understand people and see the value in other people. Would you want to spend time with someone who saw you the way you've described your peers here?

Like I said, I do sympathise with you. I don't want you to think I'm trying to attack your whole post. But I do think that you'd be doing yourself a huge favour if you tried to accept people a bit more. Your post seems to have an awful lot of bitterness in it, and that will only work against you in life.

anto101 · 25-06-2014 12:01AM

Any more replies guys? The above posters have been very helpful and I am trying to reevaluate my life, where I am going and my "bitterness" as some posters said. Thank you to all, Anthony

Nichololas · 25-06-2014 11:59AM

anto101 wrote:

My greatest fear is that I'll get to 50 and achieve everything I wanted to but turn around to realise I've nobody to share my successes with.

Maybe I shouldn't say this, but there are a whole bunch of things that are way worse than this and also statistically more likely, so if this is your 'greatest fear' then you're probably alright.

anto101 wrote: »

Any more replies guys? The above posters have been very helpful and I am trying to reevaluate my life, where I am going and my "bitterness" as some posters said. Thank you to all, Anthony

Remember who you were and how you were when you were 12 years old? Think of all the difference between yourself now and then, and consider that you'll have changed within yourself by about the same amount when you're 20. At that point you may think yourself 'an adult', but you'll probably change just as much between 20 and 24 also. Being a teenager kind of sucks (I never know how some people think it's the best years of their life), but it'll get better. Just don't do something stupid like take up smoking.

beks101 · 25-06-2014 01:25PM

I thought I knew it all at sixteen. Thought I had everyone figured out.

I hated the all-girls school I went to where I was surrounded by cliques of either "popular mean-girls types", "hockey-heads" or "nerds"; I myself was pretty introverted and had just a few select friends and for the most part, kept away from the discos, drinking, meeting-boys-down-the-park; I was studious and always top of the class and I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there so "my life could begin".

Subsequently I myself would start drinking, smoking, hooking up with guys and sneaking into bars - so that judgemental attitude turned out to be entirely hypocritical and futile.

And fast-forward a decade, and all those girls I went to school with are out achieving varying levels of success around the world. They may not have been my cup of tea in school, but it hasn't stopped them from living happy, fulfilled lives; something which I never would have predicted for them in my under-developed sixteen year old mind.

What I'm saying is, the greatest tool you can learn at your young age is the ability to live and let live. Inevitably there are people in life you won't gel with, you won't see eye to eye with and you won't be able to relate to. It can be isolating when they are of the same age and peer group and they have you out-numbered; but the only person you hold back by turning that lack of commonality into judgement and bitterness is yourself. It will curb your social skills and prevent you from growing socially, interpersonally - as someone else said, vital life skills to anyone who wishes to achieve success in life.

Even at my grand aul age of 29, there are people in the office who I have feck all in common with; acquaintances in my social circle who have far different lives from me and to whom I can completely and totally not relate; whether it be because they spend their time out clubbing and boozing, or they've married off and are raising families or whatever. I've carved my own path in life, as have they, and their actions are completely and entirely irrelevant to mine and don't impact me either positively or negatively, and so be it. It's not for me to assign a value to how they have chosen to live their life - and doing so would just make me bitter and narrow minded.

The greatest asset you can have as you move forward in life is an open mind. Education, success and accomplishment will often involve travel to different cultures and environments - accustoming yourself to a set of people or values you've never encountered. If your way of dealing with that is to look down your nose at people who differ to you, you'll barely make it out the door nevermind halfway around the world or up the ladder of success.

So try to stay open-minded, positive and receptive to life lessons from people who are different from you. Try to learn from them, try to be like a sponge and soak up any knowledge you can from people with different backgrounds and motivations. Talk to people, ask questions, smile and be approachable. In all my years travelling and working in various countries across the world - this - far more than working hard and having a good degree - is what has propelled me forward in the work place and in my social life.

You are sixteen, and like most sixteen year olds, you think you've seen it all. You'll look back in ten years and laugh at that notion and I mean that in the least patronizing way possible

Be kind, be open and learn to enjoy meeting people who differ from you, as opposed to feeling isolated and bitter because you don't sing from the same hymn sheet. And appreciate and value your own differences and your own uniqueness. It absolutely is possible to do both of these things.

December2012 · 25-06-2014 02:19PM

You don't want to be judged by your appearance, and yet you judge others by what you perceive them to be.

That's not going to help you.

You can't expect to be invited to parties if you look down on your classmates.

Be friendlier - you have one more year of school left.

Adamantium · 25-06-2014 11:31PM

It gets worse kid, make new friends in your secondary school for the last year and use that as a staging or testing ground for how the majority of people are not all that bad. Average, yes. An affront to human progress and your personal development. No.

There's an awful lot of BS going on in this thread.

The same dip****s that you don't like now, will be the same ones you'll have to tolerate on college projects 1 year from, and the workplace 5 years from now.

Yes they will mellow, but few people fundamentally change unless with concerted effort including yourself.

You will need to not tolerate, but enjoy the BS people throw at you, and be frivilous with girls and guys alike. You're clearly an intense, confident guy (as I can be) so you need to channel that into a witty/even sarcastic sense of humour.

Also don't be afraid to talk about movies/tv and stuff you like if you're enthusiastic, people will look at you starry eyes and get swept up in it.
I found most people are dying to be pulled out of boredom and mostly scared (as is the entire of the human race) and want somebody to look up to and say "that guys sounds like he knows what he's doing, well I'll throw in my chips with him for now and follow him".

Seriously man, that's the first year of college was like, when you drop all the PC theory.

Frankly you probably have ****in clue what you're doing, but they don't know that and will never know that unless you tell them, almost 100% of the time people take others at face value in the minutae of daily life.

That's about as good a summarisation of what being an adult is like. It's glorious when it goes right, joyful and interesting on the level, but sobering when it needs to be to send you a message.
This is one of those times

You might well be a good leader of sorts, most leaders can mingle amongst folk like a fish in water, but kind of don't "love" the majority of people, in the strictest sense. That doesn't mean they don't care for others, it just means they don't want to waste on energy on bad bets that would come to nothing.

Mt leaving cert was in 2008 to give you an idea of the ecomoic/social climate at the time that was about to immediately dive in 4/5 months:

As for the GAA, I did it for a while before stopping at age 15, because I woke up and said "What's in this for me, long term, all this won't matter a jot in 2 years time and I don't want to live in this rural place forever"

It then became easy not to do It, and I would shake my head in bewilderment at the time, effort and hype over in 2nd level that seemed to take away from everything else the other students needed to at that age. Career guidance, non existent for all intents and purposes. Girls P.E not even there.

I'm rambling, so to bring it back to center but I will say this guys and girls tend to drop the BS by L.C, and become much more like their future self, It's subtle; but this a good time to make friends and I know it might not seem it like with exams, but come next September you might well find people leaning on you too and you may see sides to them and find out they were good people after all. Target a few people that are in somewhat quite or just sound, non remarkable and you'll be surprised.

Don't feel like it's weird to start talking to people you wouldn't have talked to, but only said passing hellos, to in the previous years all of a sudden, I went to a small 200 student secondary school on Leitrim, and I was kicking myself, that I hadn't done it earlier. In fact people will be, why did we never do this before? It's so weird how nobody talks to each other, and it turns you're all thinking the same thingbut nobody was brave enough to say it until now.

(I felt like I did make up a little for a fairly barren adolesense, even though it wasn't actually my fault, I really was a supported by a large majority of eejits in my own year, look for people outside your own year,)

My best friend then and now was a a year below me, was highly driven like like myself and yourself, was winning competitions for public speaking, and I got along great with his friends.

Little moments like this made me feel a little less alone, and even happy. By May 2008, I was a sort of sad to leave because for the first time since I was 12 years old I was having legitimate friendships with good, decent, smart people. Bizarrely, The day I got my Leaving Cert results I was disappointed I barely passed Irish, as I wanted to stay back and end up in the same year as those people. I got 400 points in the end.

Anyway...

Pushing through has made me what I suspected all along, I'm a social butterfly more than most.

College and adult life will provide you with a clean slate as often as you let it.

I know this was disjointed and I wanted to be more about you than me ( you wouldn't think after looking at what I wrote) but I felt I went through some of the same floating around stuff even only 6/7 years ago and I can relate to that groundhog day years long stretch.

Things are going to change pretty fast for you soon.

ewinslet · 26-06-2014 02:35PM

Trust me on this one: Do your work, go to university, pursue your high driven career and strive to be the absolute best you can be, and you'll most certainly be fighting off the women with a stick.

Once you start at a good university you'll realise that there's a whole world of people out there who think differently to the people you went to school with. You will come to see that in the end it's the so-called 'geeks' in school who are the real winners in life.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY wish more young people knew this. Seriously, it's good to be different! The people around you are average. Do you want to be average? NO!

freshpopcorn · 26-06-2014 05:18PM

ewinslet wrote: »

Trust me on this one: Do your work, go to university, pursue your high driven career and strive to be the absolute best you can be, and you'll most certainly be fighting off the women with a stick.

Being nice not judgemental person also helps a lot.

Being honest with you do your own thing as long as your happy( not hurting anyone).
My older brother would have had a he same attitude as you in school. He was very driven to do well. But he constantly judged people and looked down on them.
He did a great leaving cert( best in his year) went on and did a brilliant university course and has achieved a lot more education wise. He's in his thirties now has a brilliant job, bought a great house, new BMWs/etc. His life is great on paper but he has no real friends and he can't understand why he has never being in a long term relationship. He is only starting to relies now how his attitude towards people has effected him.
I'm in my twenties and I will went to secondary school with people who drank/smoked/etc. These guys have done well for themselves. They have graduated with law degrees/medicine/actuary. As have the people who studied all through secondary school.
Your probably not that ugly. A lot of people in there teens think that. I used be a bit overweight and I had girlfriends but I believed in myself. If I went around saying I'm ugly/fat I'd would have no hope.
When I went to college a couple of years ago. At the start everyone was chatty with one another(it was a small course). We organised a class party. Two people didn't go. One a girl/ who was a bit shy and was uncomfortable around alcohol. People never had a problem with her. The other was a guy. He looked down on people who drank/smoked/messed around a bit. People tried to include him in things( non alcoholic events) he always judged people, even the lectures knew hev was a bit snobby. People really did try with him.
So basically what I'm saying is if you judge people and look down on them. How do you think people will feel in your company not very well and they won't want to be around you.

PeterJC! · 26-06-2014 06:24PM

Hey man, I'm kind of in the same boat as you but not so much. I'm 17 and about to go into sixth year too. I'm intelligent, (top of the class, top results, etc.) and I want a great career doing something I love. I hate to start off negatively but you do come across as snobby and as though you think you're better than them, that's not cool. That crowd of boys you mentioned, every school has that crowd, and I'll be honest, if you actually spoke to them you might find them to be pretty sound, as I have.

My friends and I have few similar interests, for example, I love art, rock music, reading/poetry and cooking, they wouldn't really be into what I am. They like country music and the Kardashians, but it's about finding people who you're able to have a laugh with, trust and ultimately you can be yourself around; even though they may become bored with an analysis of something! You say you have a few friends, what's wrong with having them over to watch a movie or documentary or some drinks, just find things you're comfortable doing!

In terms of going out, once again you want to find people that want/would like to do what you like to do. I love going out, but to tar everyone with the same brush is unfair; yeah, people get drunk and have sex, but that truly is a minority. Do you know anyone that goes to these parties? Most of the parties you'll go to as a teenager you won't even know the host, ask can you come along or just turn up with a friend, and hang out; you can always go home if you want to.

Back to the generalisation, you can't call people who live on social welfare 'bums', you don't know their story or what has happened them. One of my good friends parents both got laid off, they have a big family and scrape by on social welfare. He works, he goes out and he parties too, has a good time and has great friends. He has hobbies and he's a person, would you call him a bum? I would never presume to be so mighty, you might want to check your attitude.

You'll find that most people as they get older are more attracted to personality and looks take a back seat. Who cares if you've never kissed anyone, you'll find someone eventually and it'll be worth the wait. Once again, it's just disrespectful to call people 'airhead's and 'slutty'. I worry too, that I'll not be in a relationship anytime soon, but college man! Just put your head down, get a good Leaving Cert, find a job you'll love and the rest will fall into place.

You say you want someone to share your successes with, remember that success takes all different forms and what you might think is success now, may change as you grow up; maybe finding someone to share your life with, is more important than someone to share your 'successes' with?

One last piece of advice, in order to attract friends you have to be friendly; judging by your post it is a bit self-depreciating/pitying, so maybe try to be more positive, don't think you're better than everyone else, put yourself out there, have fun and be friendly!

Apologises if that comes across as quite strong, but if you want to find teenagers or young people that are into the same things as you, tumblr is a great place to start.

ivytwine · 26-06-2014 09:33PM

Hey Anthony. I don't have much to add to the other posts in this thread, but I have been thinking of your post since I read it a few days back. Beks' advice is spot on as usual, and I personally can identify with a lot of what she says. I didn't fit in or go out much, especially in my early teens. When I got to your age I went to my debs (after agonising about it for a full six months beforehand, I'm not even kidding) and got drunk for the first time

Turns out it was fun! I turned into a bit of a party girl in college. For all my judgement and looking down on people when I was a young teen (why do Irish teens get drunk, I'd sniff) I ended up being rather a hypocrite myself!

Of course if you don't want to drink, that's your decision, but try not to judge those who do.

Anyway, the point is, you are going to meet assholes in school, college, work etc. But the funny thing is, most people aren't asses. Most people aren't irredeemably thick and most people using our social welfare system aren't doing it by choice. But if you think the opposite that's all you'll see- confirmation bias.

The final thing I want to add is about looks. Thankfully social networking was in its infancy when I was in school, it wasn't til college I signed up. I honestly couldn't imagine how much worse my teen years and all my myriad insecurities would have been if I had been looking at Facebook. Cut it out or down if it makes you feel bad.

I'm not the prettiest girl, but I have learned to make the most of what I have. And I have never done too badly with guys (keeping them has been a different story lol) When I was 16 and being ignored by my crush the reason was I was full of insecurity, he could smell it most probably! And physically I was clueless on how to make the best of myself, make-up, hair etc. I know women have it easier in this respect but there's a lot to be said for a man who maintains himself impeccably no matter how he looks.

Could your hair be cut better? Do you wear aftershave? I know you're only 16, but have you ever been fit for a suit? Stuff like that will make a huge difference when you're older.

Finally there's a thread in the Ladies Lounge where posters talk about the men (and women!) that make them drool. I'd strongly advise you to take a look at it. Lots of 'unusual' men and not classically handsome guys there. The likes of Benedict Cumberbatch for example... You don't need to be amazing looking to be attractive. Character and confidence can make anybody attractive

anto101 · 12-07-2014 02:37PM

Thanks guys. Anymore advice, would especially like to hear from those of my age, but still appreciate everybody's advice

freshpopcorn · 12-07-2014 03:02PM

Adamantium wrote: »

As for the GAA, I did it for a while before stopping at age 15, because I woke up and said "What's in this for me, long term, all this won't matter a jot in 2 years time and I don't want to live in this rural place forever"

I'm no GAA fan but there are some long term benefits to it. It keeps you fit/health, you can develop friendships for life, improves your ability to work on a team(which could benefit you when you start work or even for group projects in college), GAA is not just a rural thing all the colleges/universitys have societies for GAA(Some of my closet friends really settled into college because of this. Also there are GAA clubs in the US/AUS/UK for Irish immigrants so its a great way to meet people when you go to another country.

Back to the OP, have you taken any of the advice you were given aboard?

Feel like I'm not normal, older than my years

Comments