Made a mistake & feel rotten about myself now

LegacyUser · 14-09-2014 11:10PM #1

I made a massive mistake. I live in a house share with 4 other people. We’re all friends but none of us really like this guy John. He’s just a very boring, dull person, complains about everything, always has a problem with something, thinks he rules the house, clearly thinks he’s better than everyone, etc, and he’s been very mean to his ex-girlfriend recently, some of the stuff he has said to her is completely appalling. He’s just not a nice person at all. But the rest of us tolerate him ‘cause there’s not much we can do, I doubt he knows how much we don’t like him because we still make small talk just to keep the peace.

Last week, I was very drunk one night and ended up getting with him. Even writing this down right now absolutely disgusts me. He was also drinking. I can’t fully remember if we actually had sex or just kissed & stuff but I’m pretty sure we did. I'm probably in denial. I can’t stand him, that just shows how drunk I was (I’d like to point out it wasn’t done in a him taking advantage type of way, I was so drunk that I probably seemed up for it!). Like I think I would have done that with anyone at that stage. I feel horrible, I can’t shake the feeling of utter disgust with myself.

I’ve managed to avoid him since, I can’t stand even looking at him now. I can’t tell anyone either because it makes it even more real and that is the last thing I want anyone to know about. I don’t even wanna type this cause it’s making it more real. I feel so ashamed of myself that I went so low. Now I don’t know what to do. I haven’t stopped thinking about it. And every time I think of it the same feelings of disgust come up, it hasn’t eased off yet. I wish I could just never see him again and forget about it but we live together and I’m 100% not moving house, I love the other 3 people. He’s a horrible person and without sounding shallow but I feel it’s also relevant to my disgust, he’s really ugly, though that’s probably heightened by the fact that none of us like him as a person to begin with. He's just a very mean person. I feel absolutely rotten! Does anyone have any advice whatsoever? :l

Rubberchikken · 15-09-2014 08:24AM

beer glasses can make even the most awful person attractive, for a short time;)
go easy on yourself. you made a mistake. you don't like or d=think you don't like this guy, so you go on with your life and try very hard to ignore him.
failing that, while he sounds a bit arrogant/defensive. have you and your mates given him a fair chance?

Tokyo · 15-09-2014 08:55AM

Hi OP,

there are two issues here right now, and I think that you need to take them onboard separately and deal with them as such.

First, you need to set the practical aspects of this aside. If you can't even remember whether you had sex or not, then I am assuming that you can't remember if you both used contraception or not. That being the case, you need to either talk to him and get the full story as to what happened, whether it was just kissing or far more. And depending on the answer you get (and whether you trust that answer or not and want to err on the side of caution), you may need to get tested accordingly. If there is a risk of pregnancy then you need to take that into consideration too.

The issue of him being a less than desirable housemate is a trickier issue though. From what you describe you weren't fond of him as a housemate to begin with, however it's hard to argue that your opinion of him hasn't been coloured by the fact that you may have slept together while drunk. There's a level of bitterness in your post that I have to admit, seems to go beyond him just being a bad housemate ("horrible person" "really ugly" etc), and I'm guessing that if we would move out tomorrow then you'd be over the moon. In short, you're going to have to take a long hard look at the situation and decide for yourself whether there's a chance that you'll be able to put this experience behind you and live under the same roof together, or whether it's too much. Because if you continue to live together and treat him with the 'disgust' you say that you feel for him over this, then it's unfair to him, and unfair to your housemates who will find themselves immersed in all of this.

But all in all, you do need to learn to forgive yourself for this. It was a mistake, for sure, and you ended up going too far with somebody you're not attracted to because you drank too much. It happens, and while it seems like it to you right now, it's not the end of the world. Try to treat it as a lesson learned, and not make the same mistake again.

Hank Scorpio · 15-09-2014 11:40AM

You do sound really shallow, what has calling him really ugly etc got to do anything. Sounds like some kind of bully mentality going on there with the other house mates

Lay off the drink if you can't handle it, and from what I remember people do say bad things to ex's, that's why they break up

LegacyUser · 15-09-2014 03:21PM

nuxxx wrote: »

You do sound really shallow, what has calling him really ugly etc got to do anything. Sounds like some kind of bully mentality going on there with the other house mates

Lay off the drink if you can't handle it, and from what I remember people do say bad things to ex's, that's why they break up

We don't bully him. We're civil and pleasant to him to avoid that sort of situation. And he didn't say bad things to his girlfriend and then she dumped him, they've been broken up a good while and he called her up specifically to say appalling things to her for no reason even though she's a lovely, harmless person. She used to live in the house too and he made it unbearable for her (clearly went out of his way to do so) so she had to move out. But I think the specific details of that aren't overly relevant.

LegacyUser · 15-09-2014 03:31PM

mike_ie wrote: »

Hi OP,

The issue of him being a less than desirable housemate is a trickier issue though. From what you describe you weren't fond of him as a housemate to begin with, however it's hard to argue that your opinion of him hasn't been coloured by the fact that you may have slept together while drunk. There's a level of bitterness in your post that I have to admit, seems to go beyond him just being a bad housemate ("horrible person" "really ugly" etc), and I'm guessing that if we would move out tomorrow then you'd be over the moon. In short, you're going to have to take a long hard look at the situation and decide for yourself whether there's a chance that you'll be able to put this experience behind you and live under the same roof together, or whether it's too much. Because if you continue to live together and treat him with the 'disgust' you say that you feel for him over this, then it's unfair to him, and unfair to your housemates who will find themselves immersed in all of this.

Yeah you're right I didn't like him to begin with but this has made it worse and that's hardly his fault. I guess its always easier to blame someone else. I don't treat him badly because of this, I've just been out of the house a good bit, I'd still say hello if I seen him, I wouldn't just blank him or anything. Its at him also but its mainly myself I feel the disgust with. Tbh its cause I know the kinda person he is and I just can't believe I would go that low, really drunk or not. If I did tell the others (which I certainly won't!) they'd have a hard time believing it!

Thanks

LegacyUser · 15-09-2014 03:40PM

Also if it matters I'm 20 & he's at least 36 but possibly 37. It's deffo one of those. So it adds to it being weird

Mike747 · 15-09-2014 05:17PM

At the end of the day you slept with some gross guy and regret it. Your options are move out or just get on with your life.

In the long run its not a big deal, but it will be embarrassing for a while. You need to be more responsible when you drink too.

sashafierce · 15-09-2014 06:00PM

This post has been deleted.

KVA60 · 15-09-2014 06:01PM

If you're this disgusted now, it's not likely that it's going to fade. I would move out and forget about it. He doesn't sound like a nice person to live with regardless.

fortjames · 15-09-2014 07:34PM

Look i will suggest to talk to him outside the house and get the truth whether you had sex or not. You then decide whether you want to keep reminding yourself of him by living around him or get out of the house and forget it all. Time fades away stuff like this, believe me. The next few days or week will haunt you but then this day some time later you wont even remember him or any if this.

dellas1979 · 15-09-2014 07:40PM

You are being like, really over the top harsh on yourself.

He is disgusting. You are disgusting...

Like what is all that about?

You slept with a house mate. Blinded off your skull on alcohol.

You certainly cannot go back and change anything, so, just get on with things, and learn a lesson from this. That is what we all need to do in life m'dear when we make bad/crappy/especially under the influence decisions (most people have had a "what in the name of jebus was I thinking" moment after a night of drinking. Maybe reason with yourself to drink less so it doesnt affect decision making or your memory).

Dont let 1 bad decision define who you are, c'mon!

blankblank · 15-09-2014 09:48PM

Your 20!!

Your allowed make mistakes!

AlanS181824 · 15-09-2014 11:46PM

I have no idea how to word this response OP!

Part of me wants to tell you to get over yourself, but then there's a part of me that feels really sympathetic with you.

Just remember that everyone makes mistakes, if you constantly have hatred inside you for this individual then it will just build up and build up.

Best to just sit down and maturely, if possible discuss it with him like adults.

If all else fails just try to forget about it.

Be careful how much you drink in future, know your limit and remember you're not the first person to sleep with someone and regret it.

In the words of many a Bebo Stunnah,

"Chin up boo, chat me xxx"

:pac:

Made a mistake & feel rotten about myself now

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