Feel like I'm going crazy...

Ann84 · 03-01-2015 06:07PM #1

I could do with a bit of outside perspective please...
I am going out with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, we are both in our early 30's and I have a daughter and a house so we are at the mortgage/kids stage (just for context!)

Ok, so out of the 3 years we are going out, we have been doing long distance for about 20 months... The first year I knew about from the start of our relationship and had accepted... However, last year his contract was coming to an end and he was offered and took a job 3 hours away. I didn't agree to this move, I asked him to keep looking where we live but he decided to take the job despite my feelings as he felt he would be out of work if he didn't. I didnt share that concern and was very upset and angry when he left, the reason being we were only living together again for 7 months after 15 months and of long distance and I really disn't want to go back to it, plus we were just getting settled and talking about getting engaged etc....

So, I am trying, but I am really unhappy... I love him but I feel sad and angry now a lot and I am lonely when he is not here... In frustrated that we are broke, can't save to get engaged, or married or even think about starting a family...
It's not like the last time because I didn't want to do it and I felt like he made a decision without me...
It's the start of the new year, and i feel like I'm going crazy, im staring down that barrel of a new year and indefinite long distance... I didn't think we would be living at opposite ends of the country at this stage. I love him but I don't think I can keep this up...
He said he is going to look for a job but the reason he left was to take a very specific job and if he takes that attitude to coming back down it could be a long time.
I'm nearly in tears writing this, I just feel totally worn down and he seems to think it's fine! ðŸ˜¥
Any advice, anyone been in a similar situation...?

bee06 · 03-01-2015 06:50PM

Ann84 wrote: »

I could do with a bit of outside perspective please...
I am going out with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, we are both in our early 30's and I have a daughter and a house so we are at the mortgage/kids stage (just for context!)

Firstly, I read the above to mean that you have a mortgage and a daughter and neither is his so this is very different to having a daughter together and a joint mortgage.

You need to talk to him and ask him where he sees your future going and where you want it to go. Nobody on here can figure that out for you and if you can't have an honest conversation about it, marriage and kids probably isn't the best idea anyway.

Ann84 · 03-01-2015 07:07PM

Yes, mortgage and daughter are mine however, we had talked about marriage and if we did marry, half of the house would be his.
My query is not about money though, its about long distance and how others have coped with it... I am wondering if it is a bad sign for our relationship that I am struggling with it, how to deal better, and if anyone has found their partner making decisions that such as moving away without the agreement of their partner and is this ok?!?
I wonder am I pushing myself too far for him because I love him, I hopee that makes sense...

Ann84 · 03-01-2015 07:13PM

Yes, mortgage and daughter are mine however, we had talked about marriage and if we did marry, half of the house would be his.
My query is not about money though, its about long distance and how others have coped with it... I am wondering if it is a bad sign for our relationship that I am struggling with it, how to deal better, and if anyone has found their partner making decisions that such as moving away without the agreement of their partner and is this ok?!?
I wonder am I pushing myself too far for him because I love him, I hopee that makes sense...

missjm · 03-01-2015 07:17PM

Sit him down and explain to him exactly how you are feeling. He may be unaware that it's having such an effect on you. To be fair, I can't see wrong in him accepting the job etc especially if it's a specialised area but you do need to tell him how you feel about it all.

bee06 · 03-01-2015 07:17PM

I never made any mention of money. My point was that you seem to think you are both in the kids and settling down mindset because you have a daughter and a house but it doesn't seem like this is the case if he is making decisions by himself and not making efforts to move back to you.

Ann84 · 03-01-2015 07:26PM

Thanks, he does know how I feel and felt when he took the job. Maybe he shouldn't have to be shackled by a relationship, as said maybe he is entitled to move for a job, I don't know how other people deal with their partner leaving against their wishes, job or no job it makes me worry for the future... I don't like the idea of getting married and having a couple of kids and him just leaving for a job again...
We live in a city and I believe he could have gotten a role here...

How do other people cope with being left holding the fort?
Despite the fact that the house is not his yet, we were living together, had we been renting I would have felt pretty screwed financially as he just stopped paying into the house and now we are both broke trying to finance living separately. It means saving to get married is on the long finger...

We have talked about marriage and kids and he wants both, maybe he isn't as serious as he says... Actions speak louder than words I suppose?!

Feel like I'm going crazy...

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