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Feeling used and dumped by a friend

  • 25-02-2015 10:19PM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    I am in my early 30's married very happily to a wonderful man. We work hard but have a fairly good life.
    I am really upset over a close friend. We will call her Anna.She is 32, I have known her for over 10 years. She has a 9 year old boy who we looked after a lot. He would stay with us when she and her then OH where working late (couple of days a week) and most weekends I would take him for her. He often stayed over night with us and was like a son in may ways. We looked after him since he was 3 months old. Anna and I were very close. She would be in our house a lot and spend hours talking. I both loaned and give her money when she was broke and listened to her cry over all the things wrong in her life. She also supported me when things went wrong in my life. She would have been one of my closest friend. She also got on really well with my husband.

    In September 12 her grandmother died leaving her a fair amount of money. I never asked her what she got nor cared but found out later that it was over double what she had told me. I was a bit shocked and upset that she lied but said nothing, it was none of my business. She was on spend spend mode, again, nothing to do with me but I did think that now she had some money it would be nice if she offered to pay me for mining her son.

    Roll on to February 2014 and she and her partner split up. For the best. He was a twat and it was like her having 2 children and not a partner. We stepped up and helped her son deal with it as best as we could.
    Within a couple of weeks she had a new man. Only met him a couple of time and he seems ok. He was after splitting up with his girlfriend and has 3 children under 8. Within 4 weeks he was living with her and her son was finding himself torn between seeing his mum so much happier and missing his Dad who was only interested in trying to score points.
    The number of times the child sat and cried in my house over it. My husband and I talked a lot to him about it and he was doing so much better. Come last August. Anna and the new boyfriend has his 3 kids staying every weekend. Her son found this really hard at first but adjusted as well as could be expected.
    By this stage it was clear Anna didn't want to hear me say anything about her son worrying or if he was upset and was short with me but more that happy to have me still mind him.
    All of a sudden it stopped in November and she stopped calling unless she wanted something. When her ex was taking her to court she was back on the phone crying to me. Her new boyfriend was never very friendly to me or my husband. Not rude but cool. I was always supportive of them. At Christmas we got then a voucher for a meal and a tree decorations with Anna, the boyfriends, her sons, and his kids names on it to mark the "new family" She seemed delighted. We also got a present for her son.

    In mid November she decided to stop working and went on dole (not telling the social about her large bank account and new audi or that the new boyfriend is living with her, Not that she has to for 9 months anyway while she has her stamps) and is claiming dole, her ex pays child support and the new boyfriend is working full time. I was dropped like a hot potato. She didn't call or text. I called her but she never returned the call. We met her and her son for lunch just before Christmas and not a word since.

    Her sons birthday was the end of January so I called a week before asking what he would like and saying it would be nice to see them. They had plans that weekend. I text her on her sons birthday to wish him a happy birthday. got a reply the next day saying Thanks. I again suggested meeting up for a coffee no reply so I phone the next day, phone not answered and again the next day and also not answered so I know I was blanked. Let it go a few weeks and text to suggest she and I meet one morning for a coffee. Got a reply saying.. not sure, son sick. I text the next day to see how he was, no reply.
    Left it to this week and again text suggesting a catch up. Kept the text light hearted. No reply. PM her on FB, no reply and like a fool, called yesterday and again today and no reply.
    I am really upset. We have just been dumped and her son was with us so much he was part of the family and we really miss him. I now I shouldn't waste my time trying any more and she can stop her son seeing us. I feel used and angry. She doesn't really have any other friends so if it doesn't work out with the boyfriend she will be on her own. Of course they are loved up but they never spend any time apart. I am delighted she is finally happy but don't understand what I have done wrong. I lay awake last night, going from angry to sad to hurt to just missing her and her son.

    Do I just leave it or go up one morning unannounced and ask her what the hell is going on and have I done something wrong?


Comments

  • #2
    athtrasna
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13,420 ✭✭✭✭athtrasna


    OP I'm really sorry, this is a difficult time for you. Alas it's not a rare happening, a new man comes into a loved one's life and past friendships are thrown by the wayside, I've been there, as have many of my friends. It's not easy to take and can hurt more than the ending of an actual relationship. I've certainly gotten over ex partners far easier than losing my best friend of over a decade.

    I got advice from a friend who saw how hurt I was, and it really helped. He told me to look at all the people in your life in terms of drains and radiators. We need to cut out the drains and fill our lives with radiators. Reading your post I saw drain after drain after drain in all the things your "friend" asked of you. It seems to me that her son is the much bigger loss to you than his mother.

    It's not going to be easy but cut her loose for now, you have to let her make her own mistakes, again. If she comes crawling back in the future then accept her on your terms if you want to but you need to be the one to decide that.

    Stay strong x


  • #3
    DUB0207-old
    Closed Accounts Posts: 44 ✭DUB0207-old


    I feel used by friend wrote: »
    In mid November she decided to stop working and went on dole (not telling the social about her large bank account and new audi or that the new boyfriend is living with her, Not that she has to for 9 months anyway while she has her stamps) and is claiming dole, her ex pays child support and the new boyfriend is working full time
    The evil side of me wish I had them details so I could make a report... the WO needs to know about it!

    Back to the case... Don't you worry, at some point the perfect 'family' life she think she has may fall apart and I am sure when [if] it happens she will reach out for you, the same way she has done before!

    About the 'babysiting': u took him out of your own kindness and never asked for anything in return, why on earth do you think she would start paying for something that was suppose to be a favour?
    Personally I'd make sure to show appreciation by 1st) inviting you to be his Godmother 2) make sure you are looked after on special occasions and the odd lunch/dinner out but...

    The reality is we can't expect people to treat us like we treat them... unfortunately!

    If I was you I would not contact this so called friend again. How can she be so heartless? She should put whatever issue she has with you aside (not that you done anything wrong) and send the boy over after his birthday so he could spend some time with your family...

    One idea is to find out if he has a mobile phone (I know he is very young but I have seen 10-13yo's walking around with phones). Get the number so you can organize an outing...
    Perhaps call over to the school one day during lunch break, at least you will get to talk to him.

    Hopefully there's a way for the 2 of you to keep in touch. Remember: it wont be long until he is 'independent' enough to go places on his own and make his way to your house without having to rely on his useless mother.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Why are you even calling her a friend? She's not one and she doesn't seem to be the sort of person who will change, more like the sort of person who will come back to you when it all falls apart and use you again until she gets herself sorted. At this stage, I think you'd be foolish to waste so much as another text on her and personally I'd ignore her if and when she comes looking for something.

    As to the suggestion that you get in contact with her son directly, I think that's a dreadful idea. No matter how you felt about him, he's not your son, he never was and he never will be. You were very good to look after him so much, but your post mentions no children of your own and I'm guessing that's a huge part of why you put so much into him. No matter how you saw him though, you're an unrelated adult and direct contact is, at best, a potential minefield. It may be hard to leave him behind, but that's the reality of what you have to do unless and until the situation changes. You also have to accept that the situation seems unlikely to change.


  • #5
    foleypio
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 138 ✭✭foleypio


    I would back away immediately OP.

    I know you feel you were just being nice but you shouldn't have allowed her to leave her son with you continuously like that without payment or acknowledgement. She was taking advantage of your good nature.

    Good friendships are reciprocal, it cant be a case of one person doing all the work & the other person taking advantage all the time. Your own behaviour was complicit in allowing her to get away with this & allowing this type of 'friendship' to continue.

    I would keep a safe distance from her from now on, irrespective of what happens with her new guy, she has shown her true colours. People like that often need to learn the hard way when it comes to people & how you should treat them. Tbh, she sounds like a bit of an idiot, leaving her job like that & going on the dole, moving her new partner in with her with his kids after such a short time of dating, the list goes on im sure.

    It sounds as if the feeling of having a son & now losing him is the thing that bothers you most though. Have you & your partner thought about having kids, maybe adopting, its obvious that you are good at it if her son is confiding in ye like he is.


  • #6
    ABajaninCork
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,411 ✭✭✭ABajaninCork


    I'd just leave it now. Your 'friend' is no friend to you.

    It's a shame about her son, as he's obviously close to you. When the relationship goes to the pictures (and it will!), you can be there if you want, but on your own terms. Personally, I'm the kind of person that would drop her like it's hot. If you slap me in the face once, I'm not turning the other cheek for you to slap the other one!! Make a mistake with me once, and there won't be a second time.

    You sound like a very nice lady. Keep your chin up, and keep your dignity. Get you some new friends -ones that will appreciate you. Don't contact her any more, and leave her to it.


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  • #7
    Defiler Of The Coffin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,117 ✭✭✭Defiler Of The Coffin


    Guessed wrote: »
    As to the suggestion that you get in contact with her son directly, I think that's a dreadful idea. No matter how you felt about him, he's not your son, he never was and he never will be. You were very good to look after him so much, but your post mentions no children of your own and I'm guessing that's a huge part of why you put so much into him. No matter how you saw him though, you're an unrelated adult and direct contact is, at best, a potential minefield. It may be hard to leave him behind, but that's the reality of what you have to do unless and until the situation changes. You also have to accept that the situation seems unlikely to change.

    Agree with this 100%, do not contact the son. At best you are overstepping the boundaries and at worst it is highly inappropriate bordering on unhinged! Find another way to fill the void left by the son and your friend. Honestly you are better off without the whole lot of them.


  • #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    athtrasna wrote: »
    I got advice from a friend who saw how hurt I was, and it really helped. He told me to look at all the people in your life in terms of drains and radiators. We need to cut out the drains and fill our lives with radiators. Reading your post I saw drain after drain after drain in all the things your "friend" asked of you. It seems to me that her son is the much bigger loss to you than his mother. x

    I would agree with this, OP your friend was a drain more than a friend, and you have been more than generous with you time for her.
    I guess the best way of looking at this is think of it as a break up, don't contact her and try to fill the void by doing other things. Definitely do not contact her son. Its hard not to have a bond with the kid as you have probably been there since he was born but she is not a true friend if she cuts you out of her life like that. She seemed to just use you when she needed you.


  • #9
    DUB0207-old
    Closed Accounts Posts: 44 ✭DUB0207-old


    Defiler Of The Coffin wrote: »
    highly inappropriate bordering on unhinged!

    Oh, how dramatic! get off your high horse!


  • #10
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    DUB0207 - please reconsider how you want to contribute to this forum. Abuse like the above is not acceptable or excusable. Repeating this will just result in infractions or bans so please read our charter, read some other threads and think again if you want to contribute in a civil constructive manner or not, if you choose the latter you will lose your posting rights.

    Taltos


  • #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP here.

    Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I am going to leave it and not contact her. Why should I waste my time. It is her son who I feel sorry for as I know he is missing us. I still have his birthday present. Should I pop it in the post to him or forget it? I suppose I don't want him to think we don't care. We do. He was a great kid and fun part of our life for a long time.

    As for us having kids, no we don't but that's from choice. We don't want any. We both have careers that we love. Her son was like a much loved nephew to us. Anna had a lot of great points before all this. I suppose I miss the old her and we loved having her son.

    His will be getting his communion and in May and I would have loved to have been their to see him all dressed up but that won't be happening now. His birthday just gone was the only one we ever missed each other time we were invited to the house for dinner and cake. This year it is all about the new man and I am sure she is pi**ed that her son talked to me about his fears and made it clear he didn't want the new boyfriend moving in. It was all crazy soon.

    This might sound so silly but it feels like a bereavement. I and my husband feel a massive loss.

    The child doesn't have a mobile and even if he did I wouldn't be contacting him. We all live in a small town and I dread bumping into Anna and her son as I don't know what the reaction will be. She has made it clear from her lack of contact that we are out of their life.


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  • #12
    foleypio
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 138 ✭✭foleypio


    I feel used by friend wrote: »
    <Mod Snip> Please don't quote full posts. It unnecessarily clogs up the thread with duplicate text.

    I think you should still send the present OP. After all you have done nothing wrong & since you bought it for him anyway, there's no point in wasting it.

    Unfortunately sometimes in life depending on the situation people & the dynamics of friendships can change. Its through going through these times & tests that we know whether we have a true friendship or not.

    I would imagine after a few months or years, your friend will realise she made a big mistake in losing your friendship but theres nothing you can do about that now. You just have to focus on doing whats right for you & your partner.


  • #13
    greengirl31
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 416 ✭✭greengirl31


    It sounds like you miss the child more than the mother which is completely understandable … but I think other posters are right not to try to contact her again

    In relation to the present for the child, could you pop around to the house unannounced some day - just to drop it off. If you do get an answer at the door, say you can’t stop that you just wanted to drop off the present. If you don’t get an answer, could you pop it in the letter box and maybe send her a text to say that you just dropped it off.

    This is a terrible situation to be in … try not to fret about bumping into them around town because, usually in this situation, she will go out of her way to avoid you. And if it does happen, be light and breezy and make small talk as you would with any acquaintance you’d bump into


  • #14
    Melisandre121
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,117 ✭✭✭Melisandre121


    OP you sound like a wonderful person. I'm sorry this happened to you. Send the present to the son and then be rid of this "friend".


  • #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP here. I posted the present to the "friends" son. No text to say thank you. Oddly I am not surprised.

    I happened to drive past her today in town and see clearly saw me but blanked me, she was with the new man. I honestly thought F*** you, if you want to act so low. He also made sure not to meet my eye or wave. I did wave but if that's what she wants to do so be it. Its a long road with no turns.

    I really found the replies on this thread really useful in helping me deal with it. Yes, I and my husband do miss her son and it is him that is losing out in the long run. I wonder what will happen when the newness has worn off. I have the new man is not working now as work was a hours drive away and they love being together. He will look for something in a while nearer. This is truly not the girl I knew. She always worked hard and was proud to do so.


  • #16
    tinkerbell
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    OP, what a complete and utter cow she is. I'm sorry this has happened to you. Just blank her from now on - she is not worth wasting another second thinking about.


  • #17
    jimd2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 789 ✭✭✭jimd2


    I would agree with most of the advice posted here and would also agree that you should in no way "approach" the son. If you happen to run into him on the street certainly speak to him and make sure that he sees that there is no animosity towards him from your side. After all, if she and partner are now blanking you, she could have been badmouthing you and he could have been influenced a bit.

    I think you should certainly continue to send him a card or a small gift for his birthdays, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Whether she intercepts it or not you may not know.

    Keep your head held high, you have done nothing wrong and it is very strange that she has cut ties with one of her only friends. When people cut ties it is often because they have a new bunch of friends.


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