Sick of my selfish boyfriend's attitude

Maybe the pair of you should just sit down and have a chat about it then? Maybe he doesn't get that getting gifts is such a big deal to you. Maybe taking you out for meals and drinks and paying for you to get your hair done are making a fuss in his book?
Do you feel there is an imbalance here though? I mean, you're going on about vouchers and working for free -I get the impression you're fussing over him quite a bit. Yet in return you don't feel you're appreciated? Without knowing more it's hard to say whether you're being high maintenance or justified. Talk to him is all I can suggest.

OP I am really sorry to read about your father dying so so sorry. Also I am sorry about the trouble your bf's business is going though.

'He would buy me flowers the odd time, dinner and drinks out and pay for my hair etc. He's not stingy and I know it's not about money, it's just bad planning on his part. I mean last year, I was out of work so scraping by, but I won a voucher for Chapter One and brought him there. I also did 6 weeks work for free because I knew I would get a €250 voucher which I spent about €200 on him. '

That sounds like he actually really is making a huge fuss of you. Reading that I think the title seems misleading.

Put into context I think you are actually being a little petty. But he should not have said F off.

And when you mention the business etc is it possible life is not as flush financially for him?

To me it sounds like he really is actually making a fuss.

I think you guys are stressed though. I would be focusing on holding the relationship together. He probably needs you to be there for him.

I know it was your birthday and you were a little hurt. But looking at the overall relationship I don't think you could call him at all selfish.

Some people get very rebellious/adolescent when they feel an obligation or an expectation.

Others stink at birthdays in general.....

Out of curiosity, how much does your average visit to the hairdresser cost and how often do you go? I just wonder is your boyfriend thinking that paying for this is a gift in its own right? One that he may now feel you take for granted? I've a a feeling that if you heard his side of the story it'd go along the lines of "I buy her flowers, take her out for meals, pay her hairdressing bills" yet she's still not happy. It's possible that his "f-off" response was born out of frustration and the feeling that no matter what he does, it's never enough. Bottom line here is that the pair of you need to talk.

'Out of curiosity, how much does your average visit to the hairdresser cost and how often do you go? I just wonder is your boyfriend thinking that paying for this is a gift in its own right? '

A lot! I would know.

Op you are seeing him making a fuss of you in terms of material things he gives you.

You said your father passed I bet he went to the funeral with you and held your hand and told you that you were not alone. I bet he tells you he loves you. I bet he cares about how you feel and what is going on with you. I bet he listens to you etc.

I think what happened is he said to himself. ' I am paying for drinks and expensive meals and her hair etc and now she sends me a picture of the runners she wants'.

Maybe you should have simply asked for him to spend the day with you instead?

Lux23 wrote: »

He would buy me flowers the odd time, dinner and drinks out and pay for my hair etc. He's not stingy and I know it's not about money, it's just bad planning on his part. I mean last year, I was out of work so scraping by, but I won a voucher for Chapter One and brought him there. I also did 6 weeks work for free because I knew I would get a €250 voucher which I spent about €200 on him.

We aren't unhappy, we've had to deal with a lot in the last year, my father dies and my boyfriend's business went down the toilet. This all happened in the space of a few weeks so I suppose we are only catching our breath at the moment. As for the swearing, we are both pretty vocal, so I don't really see that as such a big deal. It might not be healthy to some but everyone deals with things differently.

I just feel like I deserve to be made a fuss off every once in a while. I do it for him all the time because it makes me feel good about myself and him happy. Just don't understand why he doesn't want to do the same for me.

You make a fuss of him because it makes you feel good about yourself, and you expect the same in return because you feel like you deserve to be made a fuss of...

First world problems, and it sounds like it's all about your needs, one way or another.

If the explanation is bad planning on his part, you are probably going to have to come to terms with that. Or spend a lot of energy trying to change him. Seldom works I think.

Don't mean to sound harsh, honestly.

In my experience, and from what I've seen from some friends' relationships, the period of time roughly from about two to three years into a relationship can be a real danger zone. You're transitioning from honeymoon period (and it sounds like ye have had a tough honeymoon period for reasons beyond either of your control) into proper long-haul, hard work, long term relationship.

Things that weren't a big deal are suddenly things you don't want to put up with anymore, things that you brushed off because "I want to be an easy going kind of partner" slowly become (in one's mind anyway) symptoms of a larger attitude that you want to nip in the bud, and people pick on certain things as sort of headline issues. This is brewing in one partner's head for a while but seems to be completely out of the blue or an out of proportion reaction for the other partner; and very often there's a similar process happening from the other partner's side too, albeit about different issues.

I remember a scene in a film (can't remember the name) where a woman has gone off on holiday and spends much of it discussing problems in her relationship that she's not been discussing with her boyfriend. She comes back, the boyfriend has let her houseplant die and she has a mini break down, during which she sobs to her bewildered BF "No, you don't understand, the plant is a symbol"

Obviously I don't know you or your boyfriend, but this strikes me as this kind of situation. Even the way you're phrasing the problem; not "Hurt by my boyfriend's behaviour around birthdays" but "Sick of my selfish boyfriend's attitude". Every relationship is different, and if for you being told to f*ck off isn't as big a deal as not getting a present on your birthday then fair enough, but like about 80% of the problems on this forum I'd say this one comes down to communication, being compounded by the fact that neither of ye are feeling like compromising, and that ye're both at a difficult time in yer life for reasons external to your relationship.

It needs a calm, non accusatory conversation and an adjustment of expectation from both ends going forward.

giggle84 wrote: »

100% agree with whiskeyman's post.

OP your post has led to yet another boards debate over the value placed on "Hallmark holidays" by different people and various posters are calling you childish because their view is different than your's.

I would think that people are calling the behaviour childish not because of a difference of viewpoint, but because it arguably is childish ?

I didn't do so myself, as it's a bit pejorative and none-too-subtle.

But even if he doesn't really see birthdays, valentines, etc. as a big deal, you do and he knows it's important to you and he doesn't want to put in the little bit of effort to make you happy.

So what does that suggest to you ? And what should the op do ?

He'd rather leave you unhappy and end up fighting over it.

Because all men are bastards, presumably ?

It doesn't matter if it's a birthday present, making the dinner, spending time with your friends or letting you have a lie in at the weekend when you have kids, if he knows it would mean a lot to you and make you happy, surely he should want to do it or be willing to make the effort?

And if not... ?

Obviously it goes both ways but it sounds like you do make the effort for him.

The op has already told us that it makes her feel good about herself to do it.

DEmeant0r wrote: »

Well clearly people show live to each other in different ways; some like to buy things and will put thought and effort in doing so, some like to do things for the significant other like dishes, some just like to spend quality alone time with the other, etc.

It's also clear your bf is not the gift giving type, so you'll just have to accept that especially when his business is in trouble. If you can't compromise on these simple things, then the relationship is in trouble. I'd be more worried about the way he talks to you.

I like your post a lot, but it's worth remembering this from the OP...

Like what fun is a present if you have to ask for it.

Maybe childish is the word for it, actually.

I was told to F off and just deal with it or move on.

I don't think it's a big deal at all. Just a bit of exasperation on his part.