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Sick of my selfish boyfriend's attitude

  • 06-05-2015 05:02PM
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,134 ✭✭✭


    I've been dating my boyfriend for 2.5 years, it's mostly been good and I know we both love each other very much.

    I'm not sure if I should just accept his behaviour as maybe I'm making to big a deal of it.

    Basically he rarely manages to buy me birthday gifts on time and by the time he does, it's ruined because I'm just too upset to enjoy it. It's not like my birthday is a surprise, he knows it's going to happen, it's the same day every year! It's the same with Christmas and Valentines, I always make an effort to do things for him and buy him a nice gift, he leaves until the last minute and it's just ruined for me.

    My birthday was last Friday, no present from him, it was supposed to be today, now it's tomorrow and I know tomorrow it will be Friday. He just drags it out and ruins it for me. Like what fun is a present if you have to ask for it. I was told to F off and just deal with it or move on.

    Am I making a big deal out of it? Should I just accept a lifetime of him not bothering to make occasions special.


Comments

  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    I wouldn't lower myself to ask him but I certainly wouldn't be buying him any presents of any kind either.

    I would be more concerned that he tells you to F off. How does he treat you otherwise? You both sound v unhappy


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,915 ✭✭✭✭El_Duderino 09


    What's he like for buying things in general? Does he buy you stuff spontaneously or is he cheaping out of buying things entirely?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,154 ✭✭✭silverfeather


    'I've been dating my boyfriend for 2.5 years, it's mostly been good and I know we both love each other very much.'

    If this is the only foible I would not make it (the gift) a big deal.

    Him telling you to F off and deal is a big deal though that is not loving behavior.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 830 ✭✭✭cactusgal


    He certainly doesn't sound like he's very nice to you, or very respectful of your feelings. Whats he like in other respects?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,564 ✭✭✭✭whiskeyman


    That's not nice at all.
    2.5 years should still be a honeymoon period and every birthday should be a lovely occasion.

    If its bad now, what will it be like in later years?

    As others have said though, what's the big picture like?
    Does he treat you well and buy you things at other times?


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  • Hosted Moderators Posts: 23,262 ✭✭✭✭beertons


    I'd be telling him to F off. Doesn't sound like a nice guy at all.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,263 ✭✭✭Gongoozler


    Re the birthday thing, personally I think you're being a bit ott about it. It's fine if you want to do something with it, but birthdays just aren't a thing to some people. Granted, it could be expected that he make something of it if he knows it's something that you want. But you're kinda sounding like a spoilt brat getting all worked up over when you're going to get your present. Like you say, what's the point forcing someone to get you a present.

    Is he generous usually? Is he tight? Has he been particularly busy or stressed lately? Would going out have been adequate for it?

    Re the f off part, same as everyone else, that's not on. That's what you need to be watching.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,134 ✭✭✭Lux23


    He would buy me flowers the odd time, dinner and drinks out and pay for my hair etc. He's not stingy and I know it's not about money, it's just bad planning on his part. I mean last year, I was out of work so scraping by, but I won a voucher for Chapter One and brought him there. I also did 6 weeks work for free because I knew I would get a €250 voucher which I spent about €200 on him.

    We aren't unhappy, we've had to deal with a lot in the last year, my father dies and my boyfriend's business went down the toilet. This all happened in the space of a few weeks so I suppose we are only catching our breath at the moment. As for the swearing, we are both pretty vocal, so I don't really see that as such a big deal. It might not be healthy to some but everyone deals with things differently.

    I just feel like I deserve to be made a fuss off every once in a while. I do it for him all the time because it makes me feel good about myself and him happy. Just don't understand why he doesn't want to do the same for me.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,915 ✭✭✭✭El_Duderino 09


    He might have an objection to the hallmark holidays. I really don't like them so I told her. We met in college so we were both skint and I resented paying over the odds in a packed restaurant/cinema/hotel. So we used to do valentines day a week after so we could get a nice meal in a quiet restaurant. Or we would book a fancy hotel on a cheap deal and call it our valentine's day.

    Either way if he has aan objection to it he should tell you. If it just organisation then he should get the finger out in time.

    Does he know what you want and what to get you?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,134 ✭✭✭Lux23


    He asked me what I wanted, my runners were falling apart so I took a photo of the ones I wanted and sent it to him. Like I couldn't make it easier for him. Unless I bought them myself.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,374 ✭✭✭HalloweenJack


    On the presents for special dates, I don't think it's such a big deal. I understand it's annoying but I think you're putting your feelings of the deal onto the whole situation. Obviously, it's a big deal for you, and that's fine, but it's clearly not a big deal for him. I think this is where your problem stems from. You both have different ideas about the importance of it. I think you expecting something big from him, when it clearly isn't a big deal for him, is causing you to get hurt about the situation.

    By this stage, and if you're going to continue in a serious, long-term relationship, you are going to have compromise somewhat (on both sides, not just you).

    That said, if I were you, I'd be very concerned by the fact that he dismisses your concerns so brusquely, especially in such a rude way.

    This may seem like a small problem, in this case, but I can easily see this technique being deployed in other situations and if you don't stand up for yourself now, no matter how small the problem may be, it could easily snowball into something bigger. And I'm sorry but no amount of problems can excuse being so rude to someone you love.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Maybe the pair of you should just sit down and have a chat about it then? Maybe he doesn't get that getting gifts is such a big deal to you. Maybe taking you out for meals and drinks and paying for you to get your hair done are making a fuss in his book?
    Do you feel there is an imbalance here though? I mean, you're going on about vouchers and working for free -I get the impression you're fussing over him quite a bit. Yet in return you don't feel you're appreciated? Without knowing more it's hard to say whether you're being high maintenance or justified. Talk to him is all I can suggest.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    You expect him to treat you the way you do him and clearly that's not going to happen. If it doesn't happen in the early days that rarely changes so it's your call whether to stay or not. Tbh spending him €200 when you have no money is a bit silly.

    You don't feel appreciated so you want monetary confirmation that he does appreciate you. He doesn't think you need that and so it continues. He won't change so can you?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,134 ✭✭✭Lux23


    I don't think it's about money, it's about showing a little bit of thought. We haven't spent more than a couple of hours together since March so I suppose that's also putting a strain on us.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 223 ✭✭shaymus27


    I agree with Stavro's point above.

    In the past with my ex I returned home after a 12 hour day and went out to ensure she was safe in going to a place she went out to. I was shattered and needed to rest but made a pretence to go out for her safety without making any fuss over it.

    Towards the end what was remembered was my not getting cards.

    I did not value cards but valued other things.

    You might appreciate the other things and maybe get your boyfriend to understand that cards etc. mean more to you than he realises.

    If I had a business that wasn't doing well I would not be in a frame of mind for caring about cards. That might be a flaw in me or a bit of a male thing. Males sometimes don't think like females about certain things and vice versa.

    Try communicate more openly about things as males and females can have differing views and ways of coping with stresses.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,154 ✭✭✭silverfeather


    OP I am really sorry to read about your father dying so so sorry. Also I am sorry about the trouble your bf's business is going though.

    'He would buy me flowers the odd time, dinner and drinks out and pay for my hair etc. He's not stingy and I know it's not about money, it's just bad planning on his part. I mean last year, I was out of work so scraping by, but I won a voucher for Chapter One and brought him there. I also did 6 weeks work for free because I knew I would get a €250 voucher which I spent about €200 on him. '

    That sounds like he actually really is making a huge fuss of you. Reading that I think the title seems misleading.

    Put into context I think you are actually being a little petty. But he should not have said F off.

    And when you mention the business etc is it possible life is not as flush financially for him?

    To me it sounds like he really is actually making a fuss.

    I think you guys are stressed though. I would be focusing on holding the relationship together. He probably needs you to be there for him.

    I know it was your birthday and you were a little hurt. But looking at the overall relationship I don't think you could call him at all selfish.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 284 ✭✭Jan Laco


    You seem spoilt and materialistic from your post. He does pay for your hair, buy flowers and dinner.
    Him telling you to F off is probably him getting sick of that. I know that's what I would say to you too.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,516 ✭✭✭zeffabelli


    Some people get very rebellious/adolescent when they feel an obligation or an expectation.

    Others stink at birthdays in general.....


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    Lux23 wrote: »
    I don't think it's about money, it's about showing a little bit of thought. We haven't spent more than a couple of hours together since March so I suppose that's also putting a strain on us.

    Just to play devils advocate. Any chance he's sitting wherever he is thinking "we haven't spent more than a couple of hours together since March, and when we do get to meet up she's all over me complaining that I didn't buy her something fast enough for her liking"?

    Just maybe it's worded badly but you said in your OP that he rarely remembers to buy you birthday gifts on time. And you've been together two and a half years. So he did once and didn't once? So basically this one time the year that his business failed and your father died he didn't manage to buy you the runners you told him to buy you in a timely fashion? And so he's now 'My Selfish Boyfriend'?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Out of curiosity, how much does your average visit to the hairdresser cost and how often do you go? I just wonder is your boyfriend thinking that paying for this is a gift in its own right? One that he may now feel you take for granted? I've a a feeling that if you heard his side of the story it'd go along the lines of "I buy her flowers, take her out for meals, pay her hairdressing bills" yet she's still not happy. It's possible that his "f-off" response was born out of frustration and the feeling that no matter what he does, it's never enough. Bottom line here is that the pair of you need to talk.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,516 ✭✭✭zeffabelli


    Lux23 wrote: »
    Just don't understand why he doesn't want to do the same for me.

    Because you are not the same people.

    You know...I hate my birthday....I just want to be left alone and it to be a normal day like everyother day....but my little boy loves cakes and balloons so because HE LOVES birthdays, so I have to do it.

    Maybe you make a fuss of him because YOU love birthdays....maybe he is baring tolerating it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,154 ✭✭✭silverfeather


    'Out of curiosity, how much does your average visit to the hairdresser cost and how often do you go? I just wonder is your boyfriend thinking that paying for this is a gift in its own right? '

    A lot! I would know.

    Op you are seeing him making a fuss of you in terms of material things he gives you.

    You said your father passed I bet he went to the funeral with you and held your hand and told you that you were not alone. I bet he tells you he loves you. I bet he cares about how you feel and what is going on with you. I bet he listens to you etc.

    I think what happened is he said to himself. ' I am paying for drinks and expensive meals and her hair etc and now she sends me a picture of the runners she wants'.

    Maybe you should have simply asked for him to spend the day with you instead?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 168 ✭✭giggle84


    I think the people calling you spoilt are being a bit harsh OP. What this comes down to in my mind is that he knows that giving you a birthday present on your birthday would make you happy, and dragging it out like this makes you unhappy.. and yet he chooses the option that makes you unhappy? He knows he's getting you the present eventually so it's not really that much additional effort to get it on time to make you happy and yet he doesn't make that small effort. Speaks volumes I think.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,739 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    Jan Laco wrote: »
    You seem spoilt and materialistic from your post. He does pay for your hair, buy flowers and dinner.
    Him telling you to F off is probably him getting sick of that. I know that's what I would say to you too.

    ^This. Especially since you said "My birthday was last Friday, no present from him, it was supposed to be today, now it's tomorrow and I know tomorrow it will be Friday" implying that when you see him you're asking 'where's my present?'. I wouldn't take that kind of behaviour from a 10 year old, let alone a grown woman.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,134 ✭✭✭Lux23


    kylith wrote: »
    ^This. Especially since you said "My birthday was last Friday, no present from him, it was supposed to be today, now it's tomorrow and I know tomorrow it will be Friday" implying that when you see him you're asking 'where's my present?'. I wouldn't take that kind of behaviour from a 10 year old, let alone a grown woman.

    Well that is fair enough, but if you turn it around the other way, why should I put up with a boyfriend who can't be bothered to get out to the shops and buy his girlfriend a present? I am not spoiled at all and I pay for dinner/drinks and but him clothes as often as he does for me. Sometimes more. I honestly don't think I am spoiled or out of order for expecting a birthday gift.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Lux23 wrote: »
    Well that is fair enough, but if you turn it around the other way, why should I put up with a boyfriend who can't be bothered to get out to the shops and buy his girlfriend a present? I am not spoiled at all and I pay for dinner/drinks and but him clothes as often as he does for me. Sometimes more. I honestly don't think I am spoiled or out of order for expecting a birthday gift.

    But you need to ask yourself why it's so so important to you. What need is a gift going to fill for you? It would be more important to me that my partner speak yo me respectfully than buy me a gift. I just don't understand why it's such a big deal if, as you claim, the relationship is otherwise good.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Lux23 wrote: »
    Well that is fair enough, but if you turn it around the other way, why should I put up with a boyfriend who can't be bothered to get out to the shops and buy his girlfriend a present? I am not spoiled at all and I pay for dinner/drinks and but him clothes as often as he does for me. Sometimes more. I honestly don't think I am spoiled or out of order for expecting a birthday gift.
    You are getting a birthday gift, it might be a few days later but still. I don't know if your bf is broke because of business failing but I can imagine gift shopping is probably the last thing on his mind. To me you sound as someone who never had to prioritize how to spend their time. And part of running your own business is very often just that. Our celebrations of birthdays is a adjusted to when we have free time, when we can get childminding and frankly running your own business through the recession we had to often make sure that employees are paid and then worry about treats for ourselves. And that is without even mentioning stress and it's effect on every day life.

    Maybe your bf is a bit ignorant or maybe you have to learn a bit about life and compromises it forces us to make. But in any case I think there are a lot worse things than being a few days later with a present.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,015 ✭✭✭fed up sick and tired


    Lux23 wrote: »
    He would buy me flowers the odd time, dinner and drinks out and pay for my hair etc. He's not stingy and I know it's not about money, it's just bad planning on his part. I mean last year, I was out of work so scraping by, but I won a voucher for Chapter One and brought him there. I also did 6 weeks work for free because I knew I would get a €250 voucher which I spent about €200 on him.

    We aren't unhappy, we've had to deal with a lot in the last year, my father dies and my boyfriend's business went down the toilet. This all happened in the space of a few weeks so I suppose we are only catching our breath at the moment. As for the swearing, we are both pretty vocal, so I don't really see that as such a big deal. It might not be healthy to some but everyone deals with things differently.

    I just feel like I deserve to be made a fuss off every once in a while. I do it for him all the time because it makes me feel good about myself and him happy. Just don't understand why he doesn't want to do the same for me.

    You make a fuss of him because it makes you feel good about yourself, and you expect the same in return because you feel like you deserve to be made a fuss of...

    First world problems, and it sounds like it's all about your needs, one way or another.

    If the explanation is bad planning on his part, you are probably going to have to come to terms with that. Or spend a lot of energy trying to change him. Seldom works I think.

    Don't mean to sound harsh, honestly.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    What's the point of him buying you a present if he cannot even speak to you respectfully? Presents are usually symbolic of something, but he can't even speak to you with respect so I don't really we what void a present is going to fill.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Miaireland


    I am sorry but you do come across as being a bit childish to be honest. It is nice to get something on your actual birthday/Christmas etc but really in the grand scheme of things does it really matter if it is a few days late.

    You mention that your boyfriend has lost his business, does he actually have the money to buy you a present at the time. Do you know if he had major bills coming in that month like car insurance etc and had to wait till he got some money to buy presents.

    Your boyfriend should not have told you f off but to be fair to him if you are seeing him for such little time I can kind understand why he is getting annoyed if you keep bring up presents the whole time.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,516 ✭✭✭zeffabelli


    CaraMay wrote: »
    But you need to ask yourself why it's so so important to you. What need is a gift going to fill for you? It would be more important to me that my partner speak yo me respectfully than buy me a gift. I just don't understand why it's such a big deal if, as you claim, the relationship is otherwise good.

    In fairness, special occassions are how we read the signs that someone cares.

    I think some people are reacting to the tone of the post rather than the content.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    zeffabelli wrote: »
    In fairness, special occassions are how we read the signs that someone cares.
    .

    I don't agree that that's the case in adult relationships.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,516 ✭✭✭zeffabelli


    CaraMay wrote: »
    I don't agree that that's the case in adult relationships.

    I think it can be....mother's day...valentines day....custody fights over Christmas.....


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    In my experience, and from what I've seen from some friends' relationships, the period of time roughly from about two to three years into a relationship can be a real danger zone. You're transitioning from honeymoon period (and it sounds like ye have had a tough honeymoon period for reasons beyond either of your control) into proper long-haul, hard work, long term relationship.

    Things that weren't a big deal are suddenly things you don't want to put up with anymore, things that you brushed off because "I want to be an easy going kind of partner" slowly become (in one's mind anyway) symptoms of a larger attitude that you want to nip in the bud, and people pick on certain things as sort of headline issues. This is brewing in one partner's head for a while but seems to be completely out of the blue or an out of proportion reaction for the other partner; and very often there's a similar process happening from the other partner's side too, albeit about different issues.

    I remember a scene in a film (can't remember the name) where a woman has gone off on holiday and spends much of it discussing problems in her relationship that she's not been discussing with her boyfriend. She comes back, the boyfriend has let her houseplant die and she has a mini break down, during which she sobs to her bewildered BF "No, you don't understand, the plant is a symbol"

    Obviously I don't know you or your boyfriend, but this strikes me as this kind of situation. Even the way you're phrasing the problem; not "Hurt by my boyfriend's behaviour around birthdays" but "Sick of my selfish boyfriend's attitude". Every relationship is different, and if for you being told to f*ck off isn't as big a deal as not getting a present on your birthday then fair enough, but like about 80% of the problems on this forum I'd say this one comes down to communication, being compounded by the fact that neither of ye are feeling like compromising, and that ye're both at a difficult time in yer life for reasons external to your relationship.

    It needs a calm, non accusatory conversation and an adjustment of expectation from both ends going forward.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 563 ✭✭✭orthsquel


    Lux23 wrote: »
    Basically he rarely manages to buy me birthday gifts on time and by the time he does, it's ruined because I'm just too upset to enjoy it.
    Lux23 wrote: »
    I just feel like I deserve to be made a fuss off every once in a while. I do it for him all the time because it makes me feel good about myself and him happy. Just don't understand why he doesn't want to do the same for me.

    I would put it down to different expectations. And that he might just not be good at remembering birthdays, not good at picking out a present, and not that organised.

    You have big expectations for him to follow through about a birthday present, to the point it gets dragged out and you're upset and it's ruined because you're upset. I doubt it's that he doesn't want to do the same for you as you do for him, but that every time he just messes up. I think you need to lower your expectations and try not to get upset when he fails to follow through.
    There's a few people I know are crap gift givers, wouldn't put too much time or thought into it and you'd get something randomly chosen in a rush which wouldn't be my taste at all or would not have a use for. Do I get upset over it? Does it ruin everything? No to both, because I lowered my expectations from those people when it comes to gifts. To the point I don't expect any from them, and I am ok with that.

    There really is little scope here except to change your own reaction to the situation which is within your control and ability.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 223 ✭✭shaymus27


    Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

    Some men (me for one) don't value special occasions and some women over-value special occasions.

    If your boyfriend didn't spend money on various things such as your hair then there would only be special occasions to think about. As it is he has had a few things to spend money on as well as the special occasions. He has had a struggling business while you haven't always been working in a proper job. Not every male gets how important it might be to women these special occasions are. Some males may have been brought up in homes where special occasions weren't such a big deal.

    I'd be more worried about how little time you are spending together for the last while.

    How about considering how stressed he might be in dealing with his struggling business and giving him a bit of support. He may not wish to admit he is struggling to cope with how his business is doing.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,516 ✭✭✭zeffabelli


    orthsquel wrote: »
    I would put it down to different expectations. And that he might just not be good at remembering birthdays, not good at picking out a present, and not that organised.

    You have big expectations for him to follow through about a birthday present, to the point it gets dragged out and you're upset and it's ruined because you're upset. I doubt it's that he doesn't want to do the same for you as you do for him, but that every time he just messes up. I think you need to lower your expectations and try not to get upset when he fails to follow through.
    There's a few people I know are crap gift givers, wouldn't put too much time or thought into it and you'd get something randomly chosen in a rush which wouldn't be my taste at all or would not have a use for. Do I get upset over it? Does it ruin everything? No to both, because I lowered my expectations from those people when it comes to gifts. To the point I don't expect any from them, and I am ok with that.

    There really is little scope here except to change your own reaction to the situation which is within your control and ability.

    I think also when there is underlying security...when you know in your skin the love is there....these little bumps don't carry so much significance...it's when you are unsure that you really need the assurance of meaning.

    Bereavement and loss also make everything a little more invested in that way too.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,564 ✭✭✭✭whiskeyman


    Let's forget about the materialistic stuff for a minute.
    I know you mentioned everything else is fine, but is it?
    Does he make you feel special and make a fuss over you through means not spending money?
    Whether it be a really thoughtful gesture etc...? really nice loving random texts / going out of his way to do something for you?
    I think the whole birthday gift issue could possibly highlighting this area even more so for you?
    Are you in a relationship where you're being taken for granted, or feel that way and it's slowly eating you?
    Do you know of other relationships of friends where they are treated much better (it seems) and you are jealous of them?

    Unlike other comments, I really don't think you can 'talk this one out'.
    It's either in you, or it's not.

    Also, I have to defend you on the 'childish' comments others are directing at you.
    If that's how you feel, you're entitled to feel it and question it. Better to question it now, than let it bubble and let it blow later.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,015 ✭✭✭fed up sick and tired


    zeffabelli wrote: »
    In fairness, special occassions are how we read the signs that someone cares.

    No, I don't agree.

    The signs that someone cares are in the small details of the very average day that we all have. A helping hand around the house, really listening attentively to each other, giving each other space, a text message with your favourite shared lovesong lyrics, looking to hold her hand when you're out for a walk, a kiss on the forehead.

    Anything that you know from your time together will be understood as an unspoken 'I love you.'

    'Special occasions' are an ingenious money racket dreamt up by Hallmark and funkypigeon. Cunning, but superficial tat nonetheless. They know their market well.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 168 ✭✭giggle84


    100% agree with whiskeyman's post.

    OP your post has led to yet another boards debate over the value placed on "Hallmark holidays" by different people and various posters are calling you childish because their view is different than your's. Personally I'm with you.

    But even if he doesn't really see birthdays, valentines, etc. as a big deal, you do and he knows it's important to you and he doesn't want to put in the little bit of effort to make you happy. He'd rather leave you unhappy and end up fighting over it. It doesn't matter if it's a birthday present, making the dinner, spending time with your friends or letting you have a lie in at the weekend when you have kids, if he knows it would mean a lot to you and make you happy, surely he should want to do it or be willing to make the effort? Obviously it goes both ways but it sounds like you do make the effort for him.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,344 ✭✭✭santana75


    I think you've created a covert contract: I buy you thiings and make a fuss over you so that you'll give me those same things. It's not really about giving to the other person, it's more about giving so that you get. It's essentially manipulation and people pick up on it when they're being manipulated. And when they do they rebel because nobody wants to be manipulated into giving somebody things.
    Just don't get him anything for your boyfriend on his birthday. See how that situation plays itself out. I'd be pretty sure he won't care. Buy yourself something on your birthday, look after yourself because it sounds like you're putting that job on another person and then throwing a hissy fit when he doesn't honour the covert contract. The more you try to get something out of him like this, the more he'll resist. Let your expectations go and give up the covert contracts. I guarantee you'll feel relieved, because right now you're trying too hard to get what you want. Just let go and see what happens.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,015 ✭✭✭fed up sick and tired


    giggle84 wrote: »
    100% agree with whiskeyman's post.

    OP your post has led to yet another boards debate over the value placed on "Hallmark holidays" by different people and various posters are calling you childish because their view is different than your's.

    I would think that people are calling the behaviour childish not because of a difference of viewpoint, but because it arguably is childish ?

    I didn't do so myself, as it's a bit pejorative and none-too-subtle.
    But even if he doesn't really see birthdays, valentines, etc. as a big deal, you do and he knows it's important to you and he doesn't want to put in the little bit of effort to make you happy.

    So what does that suggest to you ? And what should the op do ?
    He'd rather leave you unhappy and end up fighting over it.

    Because all men are bastards, presumably ?
    It doesn't matter if it's a birthday present, making the dinner, spending time with your friends or letting you have a lie in at the weekend when you have kids, if he knows it would mean a lot to you and make you happy, surely he should want to do it or be willing to make the effort?

    And if not... ?
    Obviously it goes both ways but it sounds like you do make the effort for him.

    The op has already told us that it makes her feel good about herself to do it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,165 ✭✭✭DEmeant0r


    Well clearly people show live to each other in different ways; some like to buy things and will put thought and effort in doing so, some like to do things for the significant other like dishes, some just like to spend quality alone time with the other, etc.

    It's also clear your bf is not the gift giving type, so you'll just have to accept that especially when his business is in trouble. If you can't compromise on these simple things, then the relationship is in trouble. I'd be more worried about the way he talks to you.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,015 ✭✭✭fed up sick and tired


    DEmeant0r wrote: »
    Well clearly people show live to each other in different ways; some like to buy things and will put thought and effort in doing so, some like to do things for the significant other like dishes, some just like to spend quality alone time with the other, etc.

    It's also clear your bf is not the gift giving type, so you'll just have to accept that especially when his business is in trouble. If you can't compromise on these simple things, then the relationship is in trouble. I'd be more worried about the way he talks to you.

    I like your post a lot, but it's worth remembering this from the OP...
    Like what fun is a present if you have to ask for it.

    :D Maybe childish is the word for it, actually.
    I was told to F off and just deal with it or move on.

    I don't think it's a big deal at all. Just a bit of exasperation on his part.


  • Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,948 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    If you forgot to get him something at Christmas or forgot his birthday, would he be indifferent, or would he be pissed off? I'm the first to admit I'm crap at present-giving or remembering dates. But, equally, I place zero importance on getting gifts or celebrating my own birthdays. I do show my appreciation though on a daily basis, and consider spending quality time with loved ones far better than a perfume I'll never wear or a scarf that I have nothing to match to.

    Forget about the present. After the event it looks petty to ask about it, especially if finances or circumstances are difficult. If he shows his feelings for you in other ways, maybe let it slide. But don't go so daft on gifts for him the next time, especially if its spending money you cant afford to.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,134 ✭✭✭Lux23


    I think a lot of you are right, he is a bloke and sometimes men can be pretty useless at this stuff, but it doesn't mean that they don't love you.

    Funnily enough from I was in my mid teens, I was always making sure my Dad bought presents on time because my mother was an almighty sulk and I guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. I may have to try and be a bit more gracious in the future.

    Thank you for all the advice, it was much appreciated.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,564 ✭✭✭✭whiskeyman


    Lux23 wrote: »
    Funnily enough from I was in my mid teens, I was always making sure my Dad bought presents on time because my mother was an almighty sulk and I guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree

    interesting insight and no doubt plays a part!


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