Financially supporting your parents?

viv147 · 14-09-2015 01:46PM #1

My Irish in-laws are going through a really rough time right now, (they apparently might even lose their house...) and as such they have requested that my husband and i ‘help them out’ by sending them 1k a month for the next foreseeable future. (Saying that my husband ‘owes them’ at least that for them having raised him??)

If it makes any difference, we’re both in our mid twenties, and have been married for just over two years. My husband makes $80,000 a year and i make $35,000. We have a little less than $200k in savings. and will be looking to buy a house and start a family within the next couple of years. A decent single family in our area (Boston Suburbs) will cost at least 350k, but probably more.

Personally, I think their request is more than a bit ridiculous ... and frankly, so does my husband. (They’ve always been really irresponsible with their money, and I don’t think that they have much, if anything in the way of savings.) They keep bringing it up every time we talk to them however, and we’re starting to run out of excuses.

Oh, and again, if it makes any difference they are both in their fifties, healthy and fully capable of holding down full time jobs. As far as my husband is aware, neither of them are working at the moment, and neither are his two (early-twenties) brothers who still live at home?

Do you guys think this is fair? Is this sort of thing common in Ireland? What should we do?

14-09-2015 01:58PM

"Could you help us out I hate to ask"
vs
"you OWE us!!!"

If they have kids living at home they can go and do one. Tell the kids to pay rent and bills. There's the 1k

Absolutely do not agree

R.D. aka MR.D · 14-09-2015 02:03PM

I just wanted to reply because I have an American OH and can understand how you might be wondering if this is some 'Irish' thing that you can't understand.

I can tell you that it isn't.

How does your husband feel about his family? That's the important question. Does he want to help them?

Personally, there would be no way that I would give my parents money if they had been irresponsible with it. Your husband didn't ask to be born, they made the choice to raise him.

jimgoose · 14-09-2015 02:11PM

This is most unusual indeed. Most Irish parents would commit Seppuku before they'd come up with such a request. Tell the other two latcheycos to get up off their backsides and bring in some money like grown men.

Penny Tration · 14-09-2015 02:16PM

My OH's mam asked him for financial help.

The difference is, she's looking for work, she's got all adults living at home paying their keep, she's been using savings to pay bills and she ASKED. she didn't demand. She didn't say she was owed it. She asked, and for much less than 1k a month! He gives her like 400 a month to help, by choice.

His parents are completely taking the p!ss and i wouldn't entertain it. It's your money too, not his. You, as a couple, owe them nothing.

They can get jobs, as can the kids at home.

viv147 · 14-09-2015 02:18PM

bluewolf wrote: »

"Could you help us out I hate to ask"
vs
"you OWE us!!!"

If they have kids living at home they can go and do one. Tell the kids to pay rent and bills. There's the 1k

Absolutely do not agree

In fairness, they did start out with 'just asking' although now that we've declined they're claiming that we (myself included apparently?) somehow owe them?

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I just wanted to reply because I have an American OH and can understand how you might be wondering if this is some 'Irish' thing that you can't understand.

I can tell you that it isn't.

How does your husband feel about his family? That's the important question. Does he want to help them?

Personally, there would be no way that I would give my parents money if they had been irresponsible with it. Your husband didn't ask to be born, they made the choice to raise him.

Thanks, good to know.

And he obviously loves his parents and ideally would probably like to help them out, but at the same time he knows that if he does, they'll probably just keep on being irresponsible with it and end up right back in the same situation again.

LegacyUser · 14-09-2015 02:21PM

I couldn't help put laugh Op but seriously they want your husband to pay them back for rearing him!!!! Your husband didn't choose to be born, his parents made the choice to have a kid and raise him. Why does your husband have to pay them back, why don't the other two siblings not have to contribute anything?

If they need extra money why aren't the two other sons out working and contributing via rent. If you were at risk of losing your home surely it would be all hands on deck and everybody would be out either working or looking for a job in order to pay off the debt.

The story they are feeding him doesn't add up.

I wouldn't be giving any to money to them as you don't know what they are going to spend the money on and you say they are not good with money or managing finances.
Throwing in the line about losing their home sounds like they are trying to emotionally blackmail your husband into giving them the money.

At the end of day you are his family now and you guys have to plan your future and buy a house together.

Rubberchikken · 14-09-2015 03:36PM

most parents don't expect to be repaid. they choose to have the kids thier responsibility.
how does your husband feel about lending/giving them money? if a family member was in need and could pay it back, then i personally would help anyway i could.

but i wouldn't like to feel blackmailed or guilted into it nor would i appreciate having to see myself short because of it.

talk with your oh. if you both agree nothing can be done, then prehaps it's time to be honest and to-the-point with his parents.

Neyite · 14-09-2015 03:41PM

It's not an Irish thing, just a greed thing. The typical Irish Mammy (and Daddy) that I know, are the opposite - still trying to slip their adult children a few quid despite those children having a good income of their own. To say that you owe your parents for the cost of being reared is breathtakingly greedy. They sound like a shower or lazy buggers to be honest.

OK, I understand there has been a tough recession here, and everyone has been affected - myself included. I can understand if money is tight that they'd ask their son to help them out with mortgage repayments until they got back on their feet. I can understand being reared with a family ethos where you'd not see a family member stuck. It's one thing to ask for a loan or a gift to help you, but by far another to demand €1,000 a month for the forseeable future!

By the way, its a long and slow process to have your house repossessed here. It takes years for the banks to get to the point where they are sending in the baliffs to change the locks so if their house is truly at risk, they would have known about it long before now. It's very likely that they see your husband as a soft touch or that because he's on X amount he obviously is loaded enough not to miss that amount of money. What they are failing to grasp is your own living costs that you have to plan for, the lack of a welfare safety net in the US compared to Ireland should one of you lose your job, and other such concerns.

Either say no, or only send what you can afford to write off and never see again.

CaraMay · 14-09-2015 04:19PM

Well if he decides to send some money I would be sending it directly in reduction of a debt rather than to them to spend. TBH if it were me I would send them 5k as a once off but just to reduce debt / arrears.

lukesmom · 14-09-2015 04:30PM

Oh my God the cheek of them! It certainly is not the norm in Ireland in fact I've never heard of such a demand. I would just be honest and say it's not gonna happen. End of.

Lau2976 · 14-09-2015 04:31PM

This may not be a greed thing entirely. They may have lived lavishly during the Celtic tiger and continued to live that way when the recession hit. Yes it is greedy and stupid to live so outside your means but it sounds more like desperation on their part to me.

I would encourage you to thread carefully with family and money, especially since this is your OH's family. They may make judgments on you for your OH refusing. I would ask to see any arrears before giving anything, whether you decide it be a loan or a gift. That way you can decide on an appropriate amount, if any.

Demanding 1k a mount is beyond ridiculous and certainly not an irish thing I've ever heard or seem done.

Wompa1 · 14-09-2015 04:34PM

My American mother came crying to me for help when I was about 24. I suppose they are his parents. Not sure how much of the 200k saved is his but if a lot of it is his then, I'd say it's up to him.

I know for myself, I would help my mother out. She works hard and her financial situation is not her fault, it's my fathers. Having said that. I've had to stop helping. I kept the collectors away for a couple of years but in the end, their outgoings vs incomings were too great. I couldn't prevent them losing their house. They now make payments to the bank and are allowed to stay in the house until they both die.

MagicMarker · 14-09-2015 04:34PM

Tbh, if I had 200k in savings and my parents might possibly lose their house, then they wouldn't even need to ask me for help.

Their method of asking and sense of entitlement is not on though.

SeanSouth · 14-09-2015 04:40PM

If my parent called to ask for money, I would send it on immediately without a single question. It depends on how much you trust them I suppose. In my case i'm very sure that they wouldn't ask if they didn't need it and thats all that matters.

freshpopcorn · 14-09-2015 04:52PM

Honestly if I had the money I'd probably send it to them because I know they would do the same for me.
However my parents would never approach me like your partners parents did.

ads20101 · 14-09-2015 04:55PM

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Honestly if I had the money I'd probably send it to them because I know they would do the same for me.
However my parents would never approach me like your partners parents did.

I would too.

But only to a point. Probably around 5k.

Anymore than that, they have bigger problems than I could deal with.

freshpopcorn · 14-09-2015 05:14PM

ads20101 wrote: »

I would too.

But only to a point. Probably around 5k.

Anymore than that, they have bigger problems than I could deal with.

I'd probably agree with you there.
I could never see my parents working up a massive death.

One thing to the OP, has your partners parents contacted Saint Vincent de Paul? If they are badly off they might be able to help.

viv147 · 14-09-2015 05:33PM

Wompa1 wrote: »

My American mother came crying to me for help when I was about 24. I suppose they are his parents. Not sure how much of the 200k saved is his but if a lot of it is his then, I'd say it's up to him.

I know for myself, I would help my mother out. She works hard and her financial situation is not her fault, it's my fathers. Having said that. I've had to stop helping. I kept the collectors away for a couple of years but in the end, their outgoings vs incomings were too great. I couldn't prevent them losing their house. They now make payments to the bank and are allowed to stay in the house until they both die.

We treat the money as ‘ours’ as opposed to ‘his’ and ‘mine’, but I suppose that technically roughly 65% of the 200k would be mine. (As in, I had it before got married. At the time, he had no savings to speak of.)

athtrasna · 14-09-2015 07:09PM

I would agree with the others, a once off gift of 5k would be the most I would consider. I would also look to pay it directly off a debt rather than pay it directly to his parents if they are bad with managing money.

LegacyUser · 14-09-2015 07:48PM

Don't forget to consider that they could be faced with a tax bill on receiving gifts from children. I think the threshold is about 30k, so after 30 months they could be liable for capital acquisitions tax

arayess · 14-09-2015 08:53PM

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Honestly if I had the money I'd probably send it to them because I know they would do the same for me.
However my parents would never approach me like your partners parents did.

it's a nice sentiment but it's not just the parents though
the two other layabouts are living the life off this money (if paid) also.
surely they are to stump up for their bed and board.

viv147 · 14-09-2015 08:57PM

athtrasna wrote: »

I would agree with the others, a once off gift of 5k would be the most I would consider. I would also look to pay it directly off a debt rather than pay it directly to his parents if they are bad with managing money.

5k is still a lot of money though, and sure, while we might not need it now we're probably gonna need it in twenty years when our kids go off to college.

Forgot password wrote: »

Don't forget to consider that they could be faced with a tax bill on receiving gifts from children. I think the threshold is about 30k, so after 30 months they could be liable for capital acquisitions tax

That's interesting, good to know. Any idea if it makes a difference if the money is coming from the US, 'cause here you're allowed to gift 14k a year per person before tax kicks in.

Wompa1 · 14-09-2015 09:00PM

viv147 wrote: »

We treat the money as ‘ours’ as opposed to ‘his’ and ‘mine’, but I suppose that technically roughly 65% of the 200k would be mine. (As in, I had it before got married. At the time, he had no savings to speak of.)

Best way to be...except when it comes to something like this. If he wants to give them money but you don't. Does that mean you can veto him?

Sinall · 14-09-2015 09:01PM

I help my parents out financially - not on a monthly basis but with big bills that they'd struggle with. I also get groceries for them and buy their clothes etc. My parents are in their 70s and not in fantastic health and i feel lucky to be able to help when they need it.

I do this by choice and it's not expected by my father who appreciates it. My mother, on the other hand, thinks she deserves it for rearing me! I'm able to laugh at it because Dad is so different to her and doesn't see it that way at all. I'm happy to help while I can but there's no ongoing expectation that it's a regular substantial sum on a certain date every month!

I'd find it very difficult in the OP's position to hand over a lump sum monthly. Agree with those who have suggested one payment to reduce an existing debt rather than money they can splurge

jimmycrackcorm · 14-09-2015 09:16PM

If the situation were reversed then I think there aren't many parents who wouldn't think twice to help out their kids. If I had $200k in my bank then without question I'd be giving them 1k a month for a while. It wouldn't be endless though, just like parents don't endlessly support their kids so there would have to be a resolution.

Also worth bearing in mind that perhaps the OP's other half might benefit from an inheritance in the future so could be a case of what goes around comes back around.

viv147 · 14-09-2015 09:18PM

Wompa1 wrote: »

Best way to be...except when it comes to something like this. If he wants to give them money but you don't. Does that mean you can veto him?

I have a mutual fund with 130k, (the 65%) and that's in my name only. I still consider it 'our money' though, since it's money that we'll both use in our retirement. (Or for a downpayment, or to send our kids to college or whatever.)

I'd say when it comes to that money, I have final say in what's done with it ... and I don't want it going to his parents. If he wants to give them money it'd have to come out of his wages.

CaraMay · 14-09-2015 09:41PM

Well of he's going to have to give it from his own money, why are you posting? He's fully entitled to do that and doesn't need your blessing.

viv147 · 14-09-2015 09:46PM

CaraMay wrote: »

Well of he's going to have to give it from his own money, why are you posting? He's fully entitled to do that and doesn't need your blessing.

If our finances weren't combined then fair enough, but they are so yes ... he does need my blessing, just as i'd want get his before making a large purchase for myself.

14-09-2015 09:47PM

CaraMay wrote: »

Well of he's going to have to give it from his own money, why are you posting? He's fully entitled to do that and doesn't need your blessing.

While that's true they are a couple with joint finances and big purchases in the future to think about ...
no harm getting advice from people

LegacyUser · 14-09-2015 09:58PM

Op I'd tread carefully, money and land cause a lot of falling outs within families. I'd be very reluctant to give money to people who can't live within their means and budget. Do you know how much debt they have? I think if you both decide to help them out its to pay off a debt rather than handing them over a wad load of money that they might not use towards their debts.
Their way of asking for a handout is despicable though. What are his two siblings who are living at home doing to help out?

CaraMay · 14-09-2015 10:18PM

viv147 wrote: »

If our finances weren't combined then fair enough, but they are so yes ... he does need my blessing, just as i'd want get his before making a large purchase for myself.

But you are saying he can't take it from your lump sum. That's not cbined finances really is it? You seem to just want everyone to say you are in the right and he shouldn't be giving them money. Most families don't work like that in reality.

LegacyUser · 14-09-2015 10:40PM

Tabs101 wrote: »

Op I'd tread carefully, money and land cause a lot of falling outs within families. I'd be very reluctant to give money to people who can't live within their means and budget. Do you know how much debt they have? I think if you both decide to help them out its to pay off a debt rather than handing them over a wad load of money that they might not use towards their debts.
Their way of asking for a handout is despicable though. What are his two siblings who are living at home doing to help out?

Absolutely agree with this! You need some info:
- what is their total debt
- is their debt credit card, or mortgage, or both
- what are the people living in the house actively doing about earning money
- is everyone in the house contributing all they can towards mortgage & household expenses

Tbh I'd be inclined to vote a big no, unless everyone in the house is doing their utmost to contribute. If you want to help them out, or if you feel you have to help them out, then pay x amount (An amount that you decide - not them) directly to their mortgage provider. Via bank transfer from you to the mortgage provider - defo not to his parents bank account.

I think it would be incredibly foolhardy to get into a regular payment to his parents. Tell them that you'll do a once-off payment to keep the wolf from the door, but that's it. And that you can't afford any more. Or to do it again.

I'd also make sure that your partner wasn't being blabby about your savings or future plans.

canttalk · 14-09-2015 10:50PM

CaraMay wrote: »

But you are saying he can't take it from your lump sum. That's not cbined finances really is it? You seem to just want everyone to say you are in the right and he shouldn't be giving them money. Most families don't work like that in reality.

I dont know....My opinion is that families DO work like that... Especially if one is earning more than the other. She absolutely has a right to veto the use of money she had prior to their relationship. They're not married yet but even so really the combined aspect is only from money saved while together or if its used on a joint purchase like a house.

The partners parents need help. We all like to help our families and I think he should help, especially as he's the only one earning, and a decent salary at that. However the parents are being ridiculous, no child 'owes' for being brought up, and effectively they are asking for a wage, with no end in sight unless they have been truthful about their finances... Which I doubt!, heck I was getting 1000 euro as a postgraduate with a kid and that was just about enough to make it. Add a few hundred and that's some peoples take home pay in lower end jobs. The parents are taking the piss! It's not a nice or respectful way to ask for someone else's money

As advised OP, I suggest you tactfully suggest a small sum to send over and then that's it, unless he wants to send a small something (few hundred) every month out of his wages. Without you being completely privy to your in laws budget you can't commit that kind of cash. It would impact your own lifestyle anyway it's a lot of money. By the way do they know how much you have saved? Because that's the only reason I can see them asking for so much. Really that kind of info is not to be shared even casually with anyone other than your partner. It only causes many, many assumptions....

Hollister11 · 14-09-2015 10:56PM

If I had money and my parents needed a dig out, I wouldn't question it.

And if we and my wife had 200K between us, and she was refusing, I think I'd leave her.

OP if this was your parents would you feel the same way ? Are you only reluctant to give me the money away because it's you husbands parents and not yours ?

viv147 · 14-09-2015 11:09PM

Tabs101 wrote: »

Op I'd tread carefully, money and land cause a lot of falling outs within families. I'd be very reluctant to give money to people who can't live within their means and budget. Do you know how much debt they have? I think if you both decide to help them out its to pay off a debt rather than handing them over a wad load of money that they might not use towards their debts.
Their way of asking for a handout is despicable though. What are his two siblings who are living at home doing to help out?

I have no idea how much debt they have. We've asked before, and they usually just respond with 'why does it matter?' and then they don't tell us. We have very few details about what is actually going on with them. All we know is that they want our money.

CaraMay wrote: »

But you are saying he can't take it from your lump sum. That's not cbined finances really is it? You seem to just want everyone to say you are in the right and he shouldn't be giving them money. Most families don't work like that in reality.

Actually I think a lot of families do work like that, and like I said, I don't make any large purchases (either from our joint account or my own.) without talking to him first. That's how things are kept fair, even though the one account is in my name only. (Which is really only the case because I want to protect myself in case of a divorce.)

I should also mention that about half of that money is from inheritance/money left over from my college fund that my grandparents had set up for me.

viv147 · 14-09-2015 11:18PM

canttalk wrote: »

I dont know....My opinion is that families DO work like that... Especially if one is earning more than the other. She absolutely has a right to veto the use of money she had prior to their relationship. They're not married yet but even so really the combined aspect is only from money saved while together or if its used on a joint purchase like a house.

The partners parents need help. We all like to help our families and I think he should help, especially as he's the only one earning, and a decent salary at that. However the parents are being ridiculous, no child 'owes' for being brought up, and effectively they are asking for a wage, with no end in sight unless they have been truthful about their finances... Which I doubt!, heck I was getting 1000 euro as a postgraduate with a kid and that was just about enough to make it. Add a few hundred and that's some peoples take home pay in lower end jobs. The parents are taking the piss! It's not a nice or respectful way to ask for someone else's money

As advised OP, I suggest you tactfully suggest a small sum to send over and then that's it, unless he wants to send a small something (few hundred) every month out of his wages. Without you being completely privy to your in laws budget you can't commit that kind of cash. It would impact your own lifestyle anyway it's a lot of money. By the way do they know how much you have saved? Because that's the only reason I can see them asking for so much. Really that kind of info is not to be shared even casually with anyone other than your partner. It only causes many, many assumptions....

We are married and he's not the only one earning -- although at present he is earning more than double what I am.

And no, they know nothing of our savings or either of our salaries. They must assume we're doing alright (which I guess we are) 'cause we're able to afford a nice apartment, two nice cars and take vacations every year.

Hollister11 wrote: »

If I had money and my parents needed a dig out, I wouldn't question it.

And if we and my wife had 200K between us, and she was refusing, I think I'd leave her.

OP if this was your parents would you feel the same way ? Are you only reluctant to give me the money away because it's you husbands parents and not yours ?

Yes I would help my parents, but they haven't been financially negligent. If they had been then no, I wouldn't help them out either.

LegacyUser · 15-09-2015 01:02AM

I posted a while ago saying that if you decide to help them, it should be a direct (traceable) payment to their mortgage provider.

The more I've read other posts and think about it, I do wonder if your partner has shared too much financial info with them. Do they see you as 'loaded', and can't understand why you won't dish out money?

Tbh even if you were Donald Trump, you don't have to support someone. Of course it would be a great thing to do, but given what you've said about financial irresponsibility - and the siblings - I'd be inclined to say no. In the interests of good familial relations, I'd offer a once off payment, 5k to 10k max, as a direct payment to their mortgage provider. And absolutely NO after that. And make it clear at time of handing over the once off payment that all future requests will be met with NO.

I really do wonder if your partner has said more than he should have about your finances. I also hate how you have conserved your own & inherited money, and he wants to blow it on his financially less than sensible family. That's not fair on you.

I dont want to be a doomsayer - but is his attitude about money v different from yours (there does seem to be a bit of 'easy come, easy go') and is that going to bite you on the arse in the future?

R.D. aka MR.D · 15-09-2015 05:15AM

I can't believe that people are giving the OP a hard time about wanting to make a joint money decision.

When they got married, they became a family in their own right. The husband's number one concern should be his direct family unit which is now him and his wife.

bp · 15-09-2015 06:57AM

Unless the kids at home are paying something towards the home (not if in school obviously) and the parents are able to work (in their 50s I think you said), then no I wouldn't.

Maybe offer a once off payment of a credit card bill then no more.

College fees in the US are huge (I think we forget that here) so your kids may need circa 100k each for college (wopuld that bea ccurate)?

Oh and in Ireland you can give a person 3k per year tax free. So if you have your mother in law 3k and your father in law 3k and your husband did the same that would be 12k or 1k per month. Could be a coincidence but just wanted to highlight it. And 12k a year for the next 20 odd years is a lot of money

Neyite · 15-09-2015 07:41AM

viv147 wrote: »

I have no idea how much debt they have. We've asked before, and they usually just respond with 'why does it matter?' and then they don't tell us. We have very few details about what is actually going on with them. All we know is that they want our money.
.

So they want you to hand over a lump every month, indefinitely, and you are not allowed to know where that is going- like groceries or mortgage or bills? Doesn't sound fair.

Penny Tration · 15-09-2015 08:01AM

Neyite wrote: »

So they want you to hand over a lump every month, indefinitely, and you are not allowed to know where that is going- like groceries or mortgage or bills? Doesn't sound fair.

This.

I wouldn't hand over 1k a month anyway because that's essentially covering their rent/mortgage, leaving them able to continue to p!ss away their money.

What I WOULD do, is directly pay a debt, up to 5-10k.

The problem is, they're demanding a monthly wage and wont tell you what it's for. That's not on and I wouldn't give them a cent in that situation.

If they're willing to tell you and your husband what, exactly, their arrears are, then I'd pay the arrears and that's it.

enda1 · 15-09-2015 08:36AM

OP you shouldn't pay a penny until they get themselves jobs and get the kids kicked out and rent out the spare rooms. They appear simply jealous and willing to leach on the successful son in America...

mapaca · 15-09-2015 08:56AM

I would only agree to give them money on the condition that they come clean about their outgoings, debts, loans, etc. Then pay it directly off a bill, not into their bank account. I would also want to know how much the brothers are contributing, if anything. Tread carefully, this has the potential to blow up into a huge family row.
Of course we would all like to be in a position to help out family when they're in need, but their "you owe us" attitude stinks.

tinkerbell · 15-09-2015 09:46AM

No way OP, just no way. You have no idea what the debt is as they won't discuss it and they have your husband's siblings living at home. They can't just demand €1k pm and just expect you to hand it over no question.

Yes you have a lot of savings but in the U.S. that won't get you very far when it comes to college educations if you have children. So I would be telling them no.

15-09-2015 10:18AM

Forgot password wrote: »

Don't forget to consider that they could be faced with a tax bill on receiving gifts from children. I think the threshold is about 30k, so after 30 months they could be liable for capital acquisitions tax

In this situation it could be worked (totally legally) as to avoid using the 30k threashold and not pay any tax (up to 12k per year).

Every person can receive 3k per year per giver. So if the op and her partner pay from a joint account to the joint account of his parents the parents can receive 12k per year tax free and it does not eat into the threashold of 30k which remains intact.

viv147 · 15-09-2015 10:54AM

Be careful... wrote: »

I posted a while ago saying that if you decide to help them, it should be a direct (traceable) payment to their mortgage provider.

The more I've read other posts and think about it, I do wonder if your partner has shared too much financial info with them. Do they see you as 'loaded', and can't understand why you won't dish out money?

Tbh even if you were Donald Trump, you don't have to support someone. Of course it would be a great thing to do, but given what you've said about financial irresponsibility - and the siblings - I'd be inclined to say no. In the interests of good familial relations, I'd offer a once off payment, 5k to 10k max, as a direct payment to their mortgage provider. And absolutely NO after that. And make it clear at time of handing over the once off payment that all future requests will be met with NO.

I really do wonder if your partner has said more than he should have about your finances. I also hate how you have conserved your own & inherited money, and he wants to blow it on his financially less than sensible family. That's not fair on you.

I dont want to be a doomsayer - but is his attitude about money v different from yours (there does seem to be a bit of 'easy come, easy go') and is that going to bite you on the arse in the future?

Thanks for the concern -- although he hasn't actually said anything about our finances, which is part of what makes this thing so strange. I think they're just drawing the conclusion that we're loaded (comparatively to them anyway) based on the apartment we live in and the cars we drive. They don't know what either of our salaries are, nor do they know about what we have in savings. I am positive of this.

And my husband and I actually have a smilier attitude toward money -- mine as a result of my parents teaching me right, and his a result of his parents showing him what not to do. Also, like I said in the OP, IDEALLY he would like to help them out because they're his parents and he loves them, but he isn't about to just send them money each moth either cause that'd be irresponsible.

bp wrote: »

Unless the kids at home are paying something towards the home (not if in school obviously) and the parents are able to work (in their 50s I think you said), then no I wouldn't.

Maybe offer a once off payment of a credit card bill then no more.

College fees in the US are huge (I think we forget that here) so your kids may need circa 100k each for college (wopuld that bea ccurate)?

Oh and in Ireland you can give a person 3k per year tax free. So if you have your mother in law 3k and your father in law 3k and your husband did the same that would be 12k or 1k per month. Could be a coincidence but just wanted to highlight it. And 12k a year for the next 20 odd years is a lot of money

It's 100k and upwards usually. We've mentioned that to them before though actually, and they don't seem to care.

bp · 15-09-2015 01:03PM

Christ that is expensive....we don't really understand that here as it is technically free....well a couple of grand a year

Wompa1 · 15-09-2015 02:26PM

He doesn't want to give either. So, are you talking about this because you think it's inappropriate that they asked? If so, I think most people agree with you. Though, I guess it depends on the persons character. Most people I know would be ashamed to ask their children for money. I know my mother felt ashamed asking me.

I've got a kid on the way now. My giving days to parents or charity are over for a while now. I'm in a similar situation to you guys. I'm making a lot of money. My partner is not making very much but loves what she does and can potentially make more down the line. We don't have a joint account. At this point, we haven't even discussed it.

Based on the outcome of this. If he does give money. Maybe you should consider separate accounts in the future.

TimeToShine · 15-09-2015 02:50PM

OP this is an absolute minefield for you. By all means give your opinion but in general you should keep quiet and let your husband deal with it, you'll only cause trouble for yourself otherwise.

Calhoun · 15-09-2015 06:13PM

Forget that just giving an opinion and leaving it to the husband, i would make sure i knew exactly what was happening joint savings as it has a big impact on the future depending on what he agrees to.

You guys have your own family and future to look after and that is where the focus should be. If however you are to help, i would not agree to anything but my own terms and not a cent would be given with two layabouts in the house.

Financially supporting your parents?

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