I think my boyfriend used to sleep with escorts and I'm considering breaking up with

MilanaWinters · 07-11-2017 9:10pm #1

Hi there, new on boards. My boyfriend of 1 year and I are very much in love but recently I was on our iMac and found (yes I was snooping a little) his internet history before we met. He used to look up escort websites all the time. He wasn't dating during the 6 months before our first meeting and he might've been lonely, but for me it's kind of a deal breaker. It just doesn't align with my personal values. A week after he broke up with his ex he started looking up backpages, escorts, hookup sites... all in Dublin where we live. He never looked at porn, instead he was looking up local escorts, escort phone numbers, escort policies and reviews. He did that a lot during that time he was single. I asked him about it and said he would never and never has but all this internet history, especially the specific googling of phone numbers and addresses sounds pretty damning to me. I want to believe him, I want to trust him but I’m very conflicted between what my mind and what my heart are saying. Do guys go that far in their search for escorts even if they don't intend to act on it? Would you google an escort's phone number to check for reviews even if it's just for a little bit of fun voyeurism?

eeguy · 07-11-2017 9:11pm

Some of the reviews on escorts Ireland are hilarious. I give them a read every so often for a chuckle.

Dravokivich · 07-11-2017 9:13pm

It's up to how you feel about it to be honest. Past is past, so it's clearly not a trust issue, but more so down to the vice itself. If he was looking up addresses, it sounds more than a curiousity as I've never seen'em posted.

bren2002 · 07-11-2017 9:14pm

Its certainly believable. Curiosity etc.
See whats going on in the world. Doesnt mean he acted on it.

Brego888 · 07-11-2017 9:27pm

MilanaWinters wrote: »

Do guys go that far in their search for escorts even if they don't intend to act on it?

Yes, yes they do.

Bowlardo · 07-11-2017 9:36pm

How is it "OUR" imac when he wasn't going out with you during his snooping?

SusieBlue · 07-11-2017 10:00pm

Bowlardo wrote: »

How is it "OUR" imac when he wasn't going out with you during his snooping?

This. You sound very controlling. I don't see what the issue is, even if he has.
I wouldn't relish at the idea of my boyfriend seeing escorts before we met but we all have a past and we all have regrets and he made that decision for himself with no partner to consider at the time.

If he is otherwise a good boyfriend and ye have a good relationship I can't understand why you would finish things.
As for the trust thing, he hasn't done anything to break your trust.

As I said, the idea of my boyfriend being with an escort/searching for escorts online wouldn't delight me but it's over and done with and its not like anything he does can change the fact now.
This was before he met you, and he didn't cheat on you.

Is your relationship otherwise good?

Johnny157 · 07-11-2017 10:04pm

Really, take a long read of what you just asked. You were not going out with the guy at the time so he was free to do whatever he wished, you want ownership of his whole life before you met?

Your attitude raises the issue that you don't trust him and you snooped on his computer to back up your lack of trust and were rewarded with this....

Probably best you don't stay together maybe if you cant trust at this early stage of the relationship.

Conor Bourke · 07-11-2017 10:04pm

Trawling back through internet search histories from ~18 months ago is not “snooping a little”. As pointed out by others, if you guys have a supposedly perfect relationship then why did you feel the need to do so much digging?

Meauldsegosha · 07-11-2017 10:28pm

Looking at internet history from 18 months ago is not "snooping a little".

eurasian · 07-11-2017 10:35pm

Your boyfriend never slept with escorts.
He was a free man at the time. He wasn't your boyfriend and he don't owe you anything.
If you can't trust someone, you better stay away.

Necro · 07-11-2017 10:45pm

So let me get this straight. What your BF may or may not have done 18 months ago and certainly before you were with him doesn't align with your values.... Yet snooping through his internet history of, 18 months ago (which would probably involve checking temporary internet files and the like) is perfectly fine?

Jesus H Christ.

meeeeh · 07-11-2017 10:52pm

We did quite an extensive search on prostitutes trying to figure out where in the local town they were. We weren't looking for sex just trying to make sense of the the story we heard. 18 months later there would be just damming search history without proper context.

Your bf maybe slept with prostitutes or maybe he didn't. For the future of your relationship I find more worrying the obsessive nature of your searches. It wasn't a quick peek, you had to cross reference it with when he broke up with his ex.

Big Bag of Chips · 07-11-2017 10:58pm

3 threads merged.

WIZWEB · 07-11-2017 11:01pm

OP I have to agree with the general consensus highlighted by respondents here. Who your BF engaged with prior to dating you is really none of your business. Without trust relationships generally fade away. Snooping conveys a complete lack of trust. Concerning discovering the evidence I do agree with you discussing your concerns with your partner. However a big red flag for me would be that he (if nobody else has access to the laptop) is lying to you about it. This may just be embarrassment on his part. He may be also concerned that the relationship will end due to your moral high ground. A very long time ago six months into a former relationship I discovered my partner was actually a former escort. After an honest and open discussion I got down off my judgemental high horse. That relationship eventually ended for unrelated reasons.

Big Bag of Chips · 07-11-2017 11:08pm

Mod Note: Johngoose, post deleted. Please have a read of the forum charter to familiarise yourself with the forum rules.

Thanks.

Foweva Awone · 07-11-2017 11:10pm

How do you know it wasn't someone else using his laptop?

judeboy101 · 07-11-2017 11:14pm

On a serious issue, how stupid is your BF to access escort sites while not in incognito mode

jayo26 · 07-11-2017 11:21pm

I'm surprised he didn't tell you where to go.

If my wife had to of came to me with that level of detective work for something that happened before we got together I'd be worried.

You talk about it's not with your values if he had of slept with escorts but what kind of values have you if your
going back into his search history and taking note of dates of what he was doing after splitting with his ex?

blairbear · 08-11-2017 12:17am

OP, this would be totally at odds with my personal beliefs and values too. I could not date a man if I knew he had paid for sex in the past. Largely because it tells me that he sees women as objects to be bought and sold. I don't know how anyone could view women as equals while paying them to have sex with him. The sex worker industry also is rife with the trafficking of sex workers, sex under coercion, paedophilia. The list is endless.

So I would share your disgust. I couldn't give a monkey's how many people a man slept with when he was single but this would be a deal breaker for me. Even his considering it would have me running for the hills. We all have our individual deal breakers. I'm sure many posters will disagree, however you need to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you.

alta stare · 08-11-2017 12:19am

Did the man never hear of incognito mode??? Silly bugger.

OnDraught · 08-11-2017 12:27am

Whatever about the way the op found out and even if it was before their relationship I wouldn’t go out with somebody that used an escort. Manky behavior.

kylith · 08-11-2017 12:31am

judeboy101 wrote: »

On a serious issue, how stupid is your BF to access escort sites while not in incognito mode

He probably is only in the habit of using it for the porn she thinks he doesn't watch.

Macmillan150 · 08-11-2017 12:41am

It sounds like enough evidence for me ( even if it was obtained in a dodgy way). Anyway if you are at the point of considering spending the rest of your life ( your LIFE!!! ) with someone, I think a bit of background checking is not too weird.
I couldn't be with someone who bought a woman's body either. It would be against everything I stand for.

notsoyoungwan · 08-11-2017 6:11am

Meh, I've looked up escort ireland and read reviews, looked at escorts in my local area etc. Just curiosity.

Neon_Lights · 08-11-2017 6:40am

Bowlardo wrote: »

How is it "OUR" imac when he wasn't going out with you during his snooping?

Good point

December2012 · 08-11-2017 7:03am

so Let’s get this straight

He’s single and looks up escorts.
He told you he didn’t use them
He told you he didn’t use porn (or else you were looking for his porn and couldn’t find any?)
He meets you
You have a great relationship
You, while in the great relationship snoop back in his laptop looking for information to use against him and to use against progressing your relationship on your own experience?
He does not immediately dump you for investigating him, your lacking trust and your snooping?

I think you’re snooping is much worse than looking up escorts. He was single, you’re not.

If you’re looking for a way to end the relationship then just do it, but don’t blame him (because if you do you’ll have proved him right about not telling you).

Hannibal_Smith · 08-11-2017 7:23am

It sounds like you don't want to trust him, which is why you looked at the history in the first place? What were you hoping to find? You don't trust him, he has a back ground that is a deal breaker for you. So don't prolong It, break the deal.

Big Bag of Chips · 08-11-2017 7:31am

I think it's best if you break up. I don't think I'd be happy knowing somebody I was going out with and possibly building a life with had used prostitutes in the past. Everybody has their own limits in a relationship and everybody has a right to decide what is/isn't acceptable to them. Yes, he was single and entitled to do what he wanted, but you are also entitled to decide that you don't want to continue a relationship with him.

I would end the relationship for a number of reasons, 1 - it's something you can't accept, but 2 - you went back through 18 months (maybe more) of internet history. That takes some effort! I think the relationship is damaged now, whether he ever actually used prostitutes or not.

08-11-2017 7:57am

Why did you "snoop"?

C3PO · 08-11-2017 7:58am

For your boyfriends sake I really hope you do decide to break up with him - he will have dodged a bullet in my opinion! But going forward I have no idea how you will find a guy who has never accessed a porn or escort sites ... I genuinely don't believe they exist!

08-11-2017 9:01am

Lads

Using escorts is illegal

I don't have strong views as to whether 'the sex industry' is responsible for all the ills of the world, and what happens between consenting adults is their business imo, but someone is perfectly entitled to be strongly against it for some very fair reasons. If you found out your partner had been into child porn, or drug dealing, or had a conviction for battery, or any number of things, it might change your feelings towards them.

So "it didn't happen while you were together" isn't really valid here.

That said, the snooping isn't great. And she's asked and he's answered. What we think at that stage is complete irrelevance. If you are both willing to move on, move on. If one or both of you aren't, don't. That's all there is to it.

C3PO · 08-11-2017 9:08am

Deleted User wrote: »

If you found out your partner had been into child porn, or drug dealing, or had a conviction for battery, or any number of things, it might change your feelings towards them.

So "it didn't happen while you were together" isn't really valid here.

You're not seriously equating looking at an adult escort site to being into child porn ... are you?

osarusan · 08-11-2017 9:08am

OP, however you feel about it, that is just how you feel. You might have lots of people telling you that you shouldn't feel that way, or that you are overreacting, but that might not make you change how you feel. If it's something you won't be able to get over, then so be it.

Moving on to your question of whether or not his browsing history indicates that he was paying for sex, or whether he was just curious/killing time...we can't know, but I'd imagine that there are lads who have casually browsed escort sites either through curiousity or just boredom, with no real intent to do anything else. He could be one of those people.

I don't know how you can find out though.

Necro · 08-11-2017 9:21am

Deleted User wrote:

So "it didn't happen while you were together" isn't really valid here.

It's absolutely 100 per cent a valid argument. What right has the OP to invade her boyfriends privacy like this and search his internet history to a degree of 18 months ago? Where are the values she proclaims to have in those actions?

As for your comparison of looking at escort sites to child pornography.. I really have no further words for you if you want to engage in such whataboutery.

bucketybuck · 08-11-2017 9:27am

You have zero proof whatsoever that he actually slept with any escorts. None.

It's trivially easy to suggest a scenario in which a guy who had recently broken up with his girlfriend Googled a few escort websites, it doesn't for one second mean he actually visited one.

Hell, it used to be a common meme in sitcoms and the like that a recently dumped guy got dragged to a strip club by his friends, just to get him out of a depression. But even that isn't the case here, all he appears to have done is visit a few websites long before he ever met you. Well Newsflash OP, there are very few men with Internet access that haven't checked out those sites through pure idle curiosity. Shocking isn't it...

Do this guy a favour and dump him quick, before you find out he masturbated as a teenager.

Neyite · 08-11-2017 9:31am

Mod:

BeefBurrito, welcome to Personal Issues.

It's a forum where genuinely distressed folk come to get helpful advice and piss-taking replies are not welcome and below standard therefore your post was deleted.

Please consider this before posting again - it's a strictly moderated forum and messing results in cards or bans being issued.

Neyite · 08-11-2017 9:40am

Mod:

SNNUS - post also deleted for the same reason.

*****

This is an advice forum. Replies should be helpful and constructive to the OP. Flippant or unhelpful replies from here on in will result in a yellow card. There are plenty of other forums on boards where you can laugh and joke about relationships and escorting at someone's expense. Not this one.

08-11-2017 9:47am

C3PO wrote: »

You're not seriously equating looking at an adult escort site to being into child porn ... are you?

No, no I'm not.

I'm pointing out that past behaviour *can be a factor in how you feel about someone now* regardless of whether you were with them at the time.

I knew people would jump out of their way to misread it but I'm happy enough that it's clear.

Necro · 08-11-2017 9:51am

Deleted User wrote:

I'm pointing out that past behaviour *can be a factor in how you feel about someone now* regardless of whether you were with them at the time.

And what about current behaviour ie: snooping through his internet history of 18 months ago. I suppose that's perfectly fine

08-11-2017 9:51am

Necrominus wrote: »

And what about current behaviour ie: snooping through his internet history of 18 months ago. I suppose that's perfectly fine

Why do you think we, you and i, are arguing about this? How strange of you.

Neyite · 08-11-2017 9:53am

OP, have you gotten STI checked? It might be no harm for your both to get that done.

It may be curiosity, it may have gone further - but you wont know until you ask (and if he chooses to tell the truth). Was there a reason you decided to look at his internet history that far back? If it's a once-off gut feeling you have as opposed to being like this all the time then maybe go with what your gut instinct is telling you. If you habitually snoop, then you probably should look at why you do that - it's not fair on your partner, on your relationship or even yourself.

The thing about deal-breakers is that they are great in theory, but much more difficult to be black and white about when put to the test. Escorting is a deal breaker for you. But now you are testing where your line actually is. And it's probably not as clear cut as you expected.

You need to talk to him. Then you need to take some time to digest what that conversation was about and decide what to do.

meeeeh · 08-11-2017 10:01am

Necrominus wrote: »

And what about current behaviour ie: snooping through his internet history of 18 months ago. I suppose that's perfectly fine

I posted before in this thread and no I don't think that is ok. But at the same time I have very low opinion of men who use escorts and personally I wouldn't want to date one.

The problem I have with it is that there is zero proof he actually slept with prostitutes. And secondly what was op looking for? I don't think she had any suspicions about him, she was just snooping for the sake of snooping and that would make me very uncomfortable. It just seems to me very messy situation.

hal9550 · 08-11-2017 10:18am

I had a party in my Apartment shortly after moving in. Few lads around! Fair amount of sauce and a trip to a local pub for some pints and grub.

Later that night, one of my mates started browsing the internet on my desktop, in relation to Gyms in the area (i had complained about the one i found).. also in relation to night clubs, pubs and other basic stuff!

Then, another friend, 'CLEARLY JOKING', stood up and said, "Bet you havent checked the most important thing"!! And began openly checking for local prostitution and call girls. This began some light hearted banter on the subject as a few local escorts popped up..

OP if someone looked at my internet search history of 3 years ago it would be LUDICROUSLY SIMPLE to come to the conclusion that:

Shortly after breaking up and moving into my new place, one of the first things i did was look up local escorts
Given the degree by which my investigation was done (surrounding areas) this must have been a serious concern for me

FYI, the friend involved is happily married and i have no doubt it was just in jest.

OP:

Your BF was honest with you. He could very easily have lied and said it was a mate or someone else that did it and he cant remember who
Going back 18 months into someones history is OUTRAGEOUS IMHO

People browse sites out of morbid curiosity. Around the time of the 'Confederate Statues' debate in the US, i browsed several hate sites for that reason. I found the arguments and posts obnoxious and racist..

These activities, and those previously outlined, are commonly branched into an informal activity called 'Browsing the internet for boredom'

Your choice but your BF didnt do anything wrong in my opinion. He has'nt lied to you and was simply honest, and you, having snooped into his privacy, cant accept that. You dont trust him, and this problem is yours

begbysback · 08-11-2017 10:23am

I'd leave him op - anyone not smart enough to clear out browser history after a week or two just isn't bf material

hal9550 · 08-11-2017 10:27am

begbysback wrote: »

I'd leave him op - anyone not smart enough to clear out browser history after a week or two just isn't bf material

Wasnt going to re-post but it does beg a question (apologies im not attacking your post in particular but this is mentioned a few times)

Why should anyone feel they HAVE to delete their internet history?

Assuming no one is doing anything illegal why should we all assume that some one may decide to violate our privacy?

Note: While prostitution is illegal, Websites with pictures of escorts are not.. Like i said, morbid curiosity

Fred Swanson · 08-11-2017 10:39am

This post has been deleted.

bucketybuck · 08-11-2017 10:48am

hal9550 wrote: »

Wasnt going to re-post but it does beg a question (apologies im not attacking your post in particular but this is mentioned a few times)

Why should anyone feel they HAVE to delete their internet history?

Its such a strange thing to even say. I'm currently living on my own, I have my own laptop, why on earth would I feel any need whatsoever to clear my browser history?

And if 2 years from now I met somebody, why would I for one second think that I needed to go back and clear my browser history from 2 years ago? In case she decided to snoop into my history and jumped to some conclusions? I think I'd rather know about that sort of behaviour...

OnDraught · 08-11-2017 11:16am

C3PO wrote: »

But going forward I have no idea how you will find a guy who has never accessed a porn or escort sites ... I genuinely don't believe they exist!

Id be absolutely amazed if it was the norm for lads to be on escort sites. Out of the 15 or 20 lads I regularly drink with where conversation would be about as open as it gets this has never come up once! Porn is a different story.

begbysback · 08-11-2017 11:28am

hal9550 wrote: »

Wasnt going to re-post but it does beg a question (apologies im not attacking your post in particular but this is mentioned a few times)

Why should anyone feel they HAVE to delete their internet history?

Assuming no one is doing anything illegal why should we all assume that some one may decide to violate our privacy?

Note: While prostitution is illegal, Websites with pictures of escorts are not.. Like i said, morbid curiosity

Looking at a mans browsing history is like looking into his soul, never to be taken lightly.

Keyzer · 08-11-2017 12:05pm

If I were him I'd be seriously considering ending the relationship.

I think my boyfriend used to sleep with escorts and I'm considering breaking up with

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