Pursue girl with a boyfriend?

Dragan

Gross Halfwit wrote: »

What's for you won't go past you ... and boy she's gone past you.

I hate that saying, normally bandied about by people too weak willed or scared to forge their own reality.

Not saying that is you, you went for your girl, however who is to say the OP's will not go for him?

jdivision

A case of wanting the one thing you can't have? I've been with numerous girls with boyfriends, never initiated it but it happened. In general it's not a good idea

LegacyUser

leave a standing order with your mutual friend:

"when She's single let me know" and carry on about your business. personally I think even if you were to obtain her by undercutting the current fella, you'd get paranoid that the same thing is happening to you after you have a fight, or you think she's a bit off one day. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon ....... as the saying goes.

AngryBadger

Deleted User wrote: »

the OP's words =
- she's a brainless bimbo that reads Heat
- she's too posh etc.

Stereotypes IMO!

Right, well to that I can only say if the shoe fits...

The OP could certainly have chosen his words with more care when posting, but
unless he's actually bellowing those words out in public a la;

"OH SWEET JEEBUS,READING HEAT, SHE MUST BE STUPID, I BET THATS THE BOOK&TAPE VERSION, I COULD NEVER DATE SOMEONE SO STUPID"

then I think he's entitled to think what he likes in his own head.

professore wrote:

That depends on the circumstances. Maybe they are just going out together because it seemed like a good idea, or maybe in an abusive relationship or whatever?

I disagree. If someone wants out of a relationship, then she should just get out, rather than start seeing a second person and use that as an excuse to break-up.

With some exceptions I think starting to see someone else before you rbeak up with your pasrtner is terribly disrespectful, and even in those exceptions it only makes things even more complicated.

cowzerp

dumbyearbook wrote: »

There is a big difference between your wife and your girlfirend (albeit some relationships, as opposed to marraiges are more serious than others)

Marriage is a promise but also its a legal thing, a relationship is'nt so imo a marraige should always be respected by any potential 'prospector' regardless of his love for another mans wife - its nowhere near the same as having a punt at a girl with a bf. Outsiders dont matter when it comes to a marriage as technically the marriage should protect any threat theres no such thing for a relationship they tend to be more volatile i suppose.

I say again you dont talk about another man's wife!

My girl and i are together 9 years and she means everything to me, she's due my child in a few months and me and her would be married if we could afford it, she wants a big wedding and we just got a house last year, baby blah blah, the piece of paper does not change us. and will not give me ownership, or make me more faithfull.

cowzerp

niceguygonebad wrote: »

- And I'm not going for it so you can stop being mean about it now. Going to quitely pine away for her until it wears off. Although I am going to be comparing every woman I meet in the near future to her and they'll probably fail miserably.

Of course they will fail, you hardly know her and have her on a pedestal, its easy to be great fun with people when you see them now and again, there is loads of great chicks out there, dont judge them off your fantasy girl..you'd judge her off this same fantasy and be let down too!

Zulu

dumbyearbook wrote: »

There is a big difference between your wife and your girlfirend (albeit some relationships, as opposed to marraiges are more serious than others)

I dunno about that. There are many family units out there, who are "partners". While legally there is a difference, I'd struggle to see and emotional difference say, which would be more important to me when considering human relationships.

its nowhere near the same as having a punt at a girl with a bf.

Fair enough, it's clear thats where we disagree. I'm only trying to point out that some people never marry yet raise children and have relationship as heavy/serious. I wouldn't consider a ring/certificate such a clearly defining point. (Although I do agree that it is very significant)

Outsiders dont matter when it comes to a marriage as technically the marriage should protect any threat theres no such thing for a relationship they tend to be more volatile i suppose.

Only legally though. If marriage did actually "protect" relationships from such external factors - we'd have no need for divorce. Clearly, thats not the case.

dumbyearbook wrote: »

Ah your near trolling there now!....:D Marriage in the RC church C of I or by the state or any religion - is meant to be life long so we should presume asuch (otherwise its a different thread.......) Just because divorce is an option does not mean its not supposed to be life long.

Apologies - My point was religious marriage.

The 'argument' is imo, common sense;

- married = dont go there
- GF = up to the person in the situation how they deal with it, there is no rule book for dealing with someone you like who has a BF whilst there is a rule where the girl is married.

And to me common sense dictates: if someone is in a relationship look else where.
Where does "- GF with 2 of his kids" or "- just engaged" or "married but separated for 5 years" fit into your equation?

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edit

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'sensibilities' is not a word!;)

Eh, yes it is. :rolleyes:

neuro-praxis wrote: »

I think most posters here are very insecure. If your partner loves you they won't leave. End of.

Excuse me, I take offence to that. So I'm very insecure because I have a moral standing on what "commitment" means to me? And this somehow reflects on my personal relationships? :rolleyes:
Fail. Try harder.

Tragedy

Why are you asking for opinions?
It doesnt matter what other people say or think.

If you want her and think you can keep your self-respect and live with yourself if you break her and her boyfriend up only for it to not work out with the two of you(or even if it does)...

We all have our own ethics and morals.

G86

Regardless of whether its short term or on the rocks, I don't think its your place to interfere in her relationship. She won't thank you for it.

Let it go.

Predhead

And you say you see her maybe 2-3 times a year?! Maybe if you saw her regularly and built up some kind of a relationship whereby you'd know how the other felt perhaps, but you hardly know her and you're plotting to try and steal her away from her boyfriend? Does this sound one bit right to you?

And for the other posters saying she shouldn't be with her boyfriend if she's feelings for someone else, fair enough, but let it be someone she really knows and sees regularly, like if it was somebody at work or whatever. I'm saying that's right, but I'm guessing it'll take more than some randomer (more or less) to get her to leave her boyfriend for.

Shanobi

OP I'm in the exact same situation as you. I met a girl thru a friend of mine in college an she's in a 5yr relationship. We're basically seeing each other behind her boyfriends back. At first I was enjoying the drama of it and didn't look too much into it, but the last couple of days i've been thinkin of telling her that I can't continue like this.

I'd think of myself of as a "nice-lad" too, most people I know would agree and for a while I thought 'well nice blokes get nowhere so I'll just go for it this time'. But, it's no good for me at all. This girl has a definite interest in me and its mutual, but I just don't think I can be the cause of ending a 5yr relationship. The main reason I want to get away from it is because I know if I was her bf and she was doing this to me i'd go spare. I know I could treat her better than her bf does because I know what he's like. Also, if she's willing to leave a long-term relationship for me what's to stop her doing the same to me further down the road?

My best friend, who's a girl, gave me the best bit of advice I've received on the subject. She told me that "if you tell her you can't continue like this then she'll either realise that she may lose you and she'll have no choice but to break up with her bf for you =OR= she'll realise that when you're not around she doesn't desire you as much and she'll stay with her bf"


Hope that advice helps, i'm now just wondering why I can't act on my own advice and say this to the girl that I want...

Predhead

Shanobi wrote: »

OP I'm in the exact same situation as you. I met a girl thru a friend of mine in college an she's in a 5yr relationship. We're basically seeing each other behind her boyfriends back. At first I was enjoying the drama of it and didn't look too much into it, but the last couple of days i've been thinkin of telling her that I can't continue like this.

I'd think of myself of as a "nice-lad" too, most people I know would agree and for a while I thought 'well nice blokes get nowhere so I'll just go for it this time'. But, it's no good for me at all. This girl has a definite interest in me and its mutual, but I just don't think I can be the cause of ending a 5yr relationship. The main reason I want to get away from it is because I know if I was her bf and she was doing this to me i'd go spare. I know I could treat her better than her bf does because I know what he's like. Also, if she's willing to leave a long-term relationship for me what's to stop her doing the same to me further down the road?

My best friend, who's a girl, gave me the best bit of advice I've received on the subject. She told me that "if you tell her you can't continue like this then she'll either realise that she may lose you and she'll have no choice but to break up with her bf for you =OR= she'll realise that when you're not around she doesn't desire you as much and she'll stay with her bf"


Hope that advice helps, i'm now just wondering why I can't act on my own advice and say this to the girl that I want...

Aww diddums.

King of Kings

Dragan wrote: »

I'm going to go against the grain and say that if you want her then go for it.

Relationships are built on the assumption that we can make our partner happier than anyone else can make them. The assumption is not that just because they are with someone they are as happy as they could be.

But then again, i have a notoriously loose attitude to such things.

People cannot expect others not to hit on there other half simple because they have one.

Dragan wrote: »

I hate that saying, normally bandied about by people too weak willed or scared to forge their own reality.

Not saying that is you, you went for your girl, however who is to say the OP's will not go for him?

i am surprised at your stance. PI is littered with occasions where you have had a zero tolerance to adultery.

Although this isn't technically adultery - the reality of the situation is that if the OP is successful there will probably be a period of cheating on the current bf and thus cannot be blind to the fact that you are approving.

either way you are approving the OP in attempting to break up a relationship - which is wrong.

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

It really bugs me when people like you try and steal peoples partners away from them,its just wrong and cruel.

your not being a nice guy if you pursue another mans girlfriend,thats called being a dick mate!

quoted for truth!

anybody that does that can have no complaint with feeling the right hook of justice.

I think people like the OP (if he goes for it) are selfish individuals - he is attempting to cause somebody else heartache to fill the void in his life.

Somewhat like stealing somebodys last meal cos you were hungry. There is no justification for that.

Magpie!

niceguygonebad wrote: »

- And I'm not going for it so you can stop being mean about it now. Going to quitely pine away for her until it wears off. Although I am going to be comparing every woman I meet in the near future to her and they'll probably fail miserably.

And make the next girl you are with miserable because she doesn't understand that she is second best?

Grow some stones man, faint heart never won a fair lady. At least find out what the story is with her relationship.

Wibbs

AngryBadger wrote: »

I disagree. If someone wants out of a relationship, then she should just get out, rather than start seeing a second person and use that as an excuse to break-up.

In an ideal world, yes, but I would reckon a goodly proportion if not the majority of long termers especially, that fail are due to another coming on the scene. This is more true of women in longtermers. Now men may do it too but women in my experience are more likely to stay as it's better to say you have a boyfriend, even if it's gone stale and they don't feel confident to be on their own. Then someone new comes along and the relationship goes bang. I can think of quite a few women I;ve known that haven't been single since they were 15 for longer than a couple of weeks and most times there was overlap. I can't think of one guy like that.

LegacyUser

I too met my gf whilst she was going out with her boyfreind (of 3 years). 3 years later we're still together. Fact is if she's not interested, and is truly in to her boyfriend you'll find out fairly quickly ("Wanna go for a drink after work?" "Erm, no Im meeting my boyf"). In that case you've lost nothing, but to say no good could possibly come of it isn't true. She may prefer the OP to her current boyfriend, but if she doesn't, his fancying her shouldn't be too big a problem.

dumbyearbook

Zulu wrote: »

I dunno about that. There are many family units out there, who are "partners". While legally there is a difference, I'd struggle to see and emotional difference say, which would be more important to me when considering human relationships.

Fair enough, it's clear thats where we disagree. I'm only trying to point out that some people never marry yet raise children and have relationship as heavy/serious. I wouldn't consider a ring/certificate such a clearly defining point. (Although I do agree that it is very significant) Only legally though. If marriage did actually "protect" relationships from such external factors - we'd have no need for divorce. Clearly, thats not the case.

Apologies - My point was religious marriage.

And to me common sense dictates: if someone is in a relationship look else where.
Where does "- GF with 2 of his kids" or "- just engaged" or "married but separated for 5 years" fit into your equation?

Eh, yes it is. :rolleyes:

Excuse me, I take offence to that. So I'm very insecure because I have a moral standing on what "commitment" means to me? And this somehow reflects on my personal relationships? :rolleyes:
Fail. Try harder.

I was speaking about the whole marriage thing generally not being specific about seriousness of the relationship (though i did indicate that some realtionships are more serious than others at the start of the post)

obviously when you take kids/engagement/money preventing marriage they change the situation big time, generally speaking though and with the OP in mind, there is a big difference - the girl in this instance has no husband just a BF hence with the information available I gave my opinion that he should chance his arm.

Lots of people cant get married or choose/forced into not getting married and these relationships are every bit as important.

My point is that when it comes down to it - based on what I suggested as it is a bit on the sneaky side is that -if she were married it would be out of the question entirely. Ill extend that now also to those with a life long relationship and where kids are involved etc. etc. but to be honest if you want to chat about something you need some boundaries all this wedding stuff is off-topic as its not really any help to the OP - and It was your question that brought it up.

(PS sensibilities is obviously a word -i was having a laugh- its just not a very good word)

dumbyearbook

cowzerp wrote: »

My girl and i are together 9 years and she means everything to me, she's due my child in a few months and me and her would be married if we could afford it, she wants a big wedding and we just got a house last year, baby blah blah, the piece of paper does not change us. and will not give me ownership, or make me more faithfull.

fair play to ye I mean that

The quote you have of me there was my response to a question posed by Zulu which was 'if the OPs love interest were married would the situation be different?' and my response was - yes it would be completely different because marriage puts people out of the game if ya will!

Your situation is not like what the OP posted hence my post when taken out of context which it has here seems to knock your relationship - i did nt mean that at all - I agree there are relationships every bit as important as marriages I actually mentioned them. Its just I was replying to the question asked.

If anything (ironically) as your relationship is more similar to a marriage - my post is in support of what you have ie. a strong relationship that should never be put under threat by an outsider.

Dragan

King of Kings wrote: »

i am surprised at your stance. PI is littered with occasions where you have had a zero tolerance to adultery.

Like i said, i have a complicated view on things. I don't like cheaters. I have never cheated myself, nor would i ever in the future. I would never allow my friends to cheat on their partners either.

However, i would have no problem sleeping with someone who is married, or engaged or has a boyfriend. Why? Because that, by and large, has **** all to do with me. Once i don't know the people involved then i have very little rules with that type of thing.

Would i get involved with someone who is in a relationship? Hell no. Have i expressed my feelings for someone in a relationship? Yes i did. Did i take it to the affair route? No i didn't.

Sex is sex to me. If someone is with someone else and they want to have sex with me and i want to have sex with them then it will most likely happen.

I wouldn't be looking to marry them, nor would i be looking to be friends with them.

King of Kings wrote: »

I think people like the OP (if he goes for it) are selfish individuals - he is attempting to cause somebody else heartache to fill the void in his life.

Relationships don't end where both people are happy and all is good. Relationships end because one or both were the opposite.

If a relationship is strong and solid then nothing can break it up, plain and simple.

I might be a bad guy, but i'm also and old romatic. And at least i'm honest.

Zulu

dumbyearbook wrote: »

If anything (ironically) as your relationship is more similar to a marriage - my post is in support of what you have ie. a strong relationship that should never be put under threat by an outsider.

Q: how do you know the girl in the OP's post isn't in a similar position? (ie. a strong relationship that should never be put under threat by an outsider.)

A: You don't.

Dragan

Zulu wrote: »

Q: how do you know the girl in the OP's post isn't in a similar position? (ie. a strong relationship that should never be put under threat by an outsider.)

A: You don't.

I would simply say that a strong relationship would never be under threat.

No?

Zulu

Dragan wrote: »

I would simply say that a strong relationship would never be under threat.

No?

Nah, everyone can get tempted. So while a strong relationship may survive, that's not to say it's never under threat.
You wouldn't deliberately put your own loving relationship under threat would you? So to do that to your friends is pretty dishonourable isn't it?

The words "cad" and "bounder" spring to mind!

Dragan

Zulu wrote: »

Nah, everyone can get tempted. So while a strong relationship may survive, that's not to say it's never under threat.
You wouldn't deliberately put your own loving relationship under threat would you? So to do that to your friends is pretty dishonourable isn't it?

The words "cad" and "bounder" spring to mind!

Personally i wouldn't do it to a friend. Someone i consider a friend has earned my loyalty and respect. However, if i don't know you, i don't owe you i guess.

Sometimes even i get confused about my feelings around such things.:o

dumbyearbook

Zulu wrote: »

Q: how do you know the girl in the OP's post isn't in a similar position? (ie. a strong relationship that should never be put under threat by an outsider.)

A: You don't.

As i've said already 'with the information available' hence i would imagine that as the OP is not that old she is a similar age and not in a very serious relationship - ive never been involved in the PI thread before but I would imagine that you need to presume the odd time?

Also part of me wanted to be positive in a response rather than negative - obviously one could choose to be more cautious by highlighting almost all the externalities possible (as you seem to do) but this is'nt really helpful to the OP.

(Tbh Zulu I reckon you just asked your question then asked someone to answer it (which you did to me) just so you could bark down other peoples views on this adding to your argument all the time by adding to the circumstances with hypothetical issues rather than actually commenting on what we know. I dont see that as all that beneficial at all but hey sure is'nt everyone different at the end of the day?)

Zulu

Dragan wrote: »

Personally i wouldn't do it to a friend. Someone i consider a friend has earned my loyalty and respect. However, if i don't know you, i don't owe you i guess.

Sometimes even i get confused about my feelings around such things.:o

Ah, but (s)he's the friend I'm talking about; the potential conquest!
(s)he has earned your loyalty and respect - so much so you'd consider them as a potential partner, yet some here would attack their friends relationship, in the name of "love". Love or greed?

dumbyearbook

Magpie! wrote: »

And make the next girl you are with miserable because she doesn't understand that she is second best?

Grow some stones man, faint heart never won a fair lady. At least find out what the story is with her relationship.

+1 on this - dont be a wuss about it!

I also agree with the other posts above that if she is in a strong relationship then theres nothing to worry about as strong relationships dont get bothered by this kind of thing. (but in saying that if she finds out now you have a bit of a thing for her you might be on the radar if they do break up......)

Zulu

dumbyearbook wrote: »

(Tbh Zulu I reckon you just asked your question then asked someone to answer it (which you did to me) just so you could bark down other peoples views on this adding to your argument all the time by adding to the circumstances with hypothetical issues rather than actually commenting on what we know. I dont see that as all that beneficial at all but hey sure is'nt everyone different at the end of the day?)

No need to get stroppy. If you don't like the posts: report them
Some people here are perfectly happy to explore this issue so the OP can make an intelligent & considered decision. Which is what Dragon and myself are doing. Clearly you do not want to do that. Good for you.

Besides, I'm sure the ever vigilant PI mods would guide us in the right direction should we stray OT.

badolepuddytat

Dragan wrote: »

Like i said, i have a complicated view on things. I don't like cheaters. I have never cheated myself, nor would i ever in the future. I would never allow my friends to cheat on their partners either.

However, i would have no problem sleeping with someone who is married, or engaged or has a boyfriend. Why? Because that, by and large, has **** all to do with me. Once i don't know the people involved then i have very little rules with that type of thing.

Would i get involved with someone who is in a relationship? Hell no. Have i expressed my feelings for someone in a relationship? Yes i did. Did i take it to the affair route? No i didn't.

Sex is sex to me. If someone is with someone else and they want to have sex with me and i want to have sex with them then it will most likely happen.

I wouldn't be looking to marry them, nor would i be looking to be friends with them.

Your views really seem to contradict each other here which I guess is a sign that you're saying what you honestly think! Life's never black and white and people can rarely say I'd never do x or y. I find it interesting that you'd want to sleep with someone who's in a relationship (therefore aiding infidelity) although you'd disapprove of your friends cheating and wouldn't have an affair per se. I'm not attacking your views, I'm genuinely interested in how you perceive the moral logistics behind this reasoning, sorry if I've gone off topic! You don't have to explain further if you don't want to, you have already made your views pretty clear in a clear and honest manner, I'm just expressing my interest at what would appear to be a conflict of interest of the conscience.

dumbyearbook

Zulu wrote: »

No need to get stroppy. If you don't like the posts: report them
Some people here are perfectly happy to explore this issue so the OP can make an intelligent & considered decision. Which is what Dragon and myself are doing. Clearly you do not want to do that. Good for you.

Besides, I'm sure the ever vigilant PI mods would guide us in the right direction should we stray OT.

Not getting stroppy at all, but you asked a question, got a reply and then when you dont like it go to town with quote after quote adding extra issues thereby making it into a completely different discussion thats all, the reason I highlight it is because you quoted me a few times and then add to it with stuff I would pretty much agree with myself (as most of your input with regard to where you quoted me was pretty obvious really), the difference being my posts were relevant to the OP whereas yours drag it off to other issues which have little or no bearing on the OP at all - unless it turns out she is married which tbh is very very unlikely.

What you call 'exploring the issue for the benefit of the OP' is really ranting about stuff that is off topic!!

PS I neither have the desire nor knowledge of how I would 'report you' do I call 999 or what?:D!

SarahSassy

Zulu wrote: »

Some people here are perfectly happy to explore this issue so the OP can make an intelligent & considered decision. Which is what Dragon and myself are doing.

Well if you had read back over the posts you would have noticed that OP stated he had decided NOT to persue it.

Storm in a teacup.