Pursue girl with a boyfriend?

Wurly · 25-06-2008 02:01PM

dumbyearbook wrote: »

I wouldnt be happy if it was me I have tbh there; but if they did it this way the bf would never know and if she was happier elsewhere then so be it.

imo- free will is a precious thing and there is no ownership attached to marriage/engagement its a promise and nothing more! "....made to be broken etc." Lifes a b$£%$ there will always be people there trying to knock each other thats life is'nt it? you just have to deal with the stuff that comes your way.

He wont be barging in if he is subtle and says nothing definite - Im not suggesting a plane with a banner 'saying leave your BF come marry me'

If he decides to let her know it should be done as i posted above its a bit sly but will get the point across and if there is genuine interest on her side it will work itself out its tough on the current bf but she might prefer the OP

-tbh why should the OP not be a bit cheeky and get this outta his system shes not married and by the sounds of it he is genuine - he'll never know otherwise and that would be a lousy thing to carry around. He will not be trying to break them up just expressing himself - theres a difference.

Yep, okay. I do see your point. I still can't get my head around the moral point on this one though. I still think its wrong. As another poster said, if she was interested, she'd let him know.

People always find out about these things in the end. Be it cheating, pursuing etc. It nearly always comes out. It won't be good when it does.

I don't think getting the mutual friend involved is a good idea either. If it were me, it would be a conflict of interest and I would feel pretty uncomfortable with it.

So yeah, I see you point. But have to agree to disagree on this one. Hey, that's life, eh!;)

The Hill Billy · 25-06-2008 02:05PM

dumbyearbook wrote: »

Very high morals here! I dont usually post here but though id lash in me own view.

How many couples do you meet that say ' when we met we were seeing other people' Lots really so the highground would appear to be a lonley place in reality

Not very high morals. Just the standard height.

Yeah, a lot of couples would say that when they met they were with other partners. It doesn't mean to say that they conciously broke up their existing relationships & left those partners to be with the ones that they are with now.

When I met Mrs Billy she was in a long term relationship & I was getting up on any poor unfortunate young wan I could get my hands on. Mrs Billy's relationship finished & we got together some months later. Hey presto! We were seeing other people when we met, but standard height morals were adhered to at all times.

Memnoch · 25-06-2008 02:07PM

Dragan wrote: »

Out of interest, if you had met your partner while she was with someone else and you thought you might have what you currently have what would you have done about it?

Sorry, i just enjoy playing devils advocate in these situations is all.

To be perfectly honest, I don't know. I hope not.

But in our case, I was a bit shy and she approached me, so probably not

Dragan · 25-06-2008 02:08PM

Memnoch wrote: »

To be perfectly honest, I don't know. I hope not.

But in our case, I was a bit shy and she approached me, so probably not

Thanks for the honest response!

Wibbs · 25-06-2008 02:13PM

Dragan wrote: »

Relationships get tested, sometimes they get tested by other people. It's just the way things go. If i trust a lass it doesn't matter how many blokes are telling her they like her, once she is telling me that she likes me.

That would be my take on it. As others have said if she went off with you, then the realtionship was not strong at the time. It may be just a bad patch, in which case odds on she'll go back with him, or she's looking for an escape and you'll be escape rebound guy, which very very rarely works out. OK all's fair in love and war, but in both, one does not use tactics that while may win a short term skirmish will lose you the war. Plus I would consider someone who would leave a long termer out of temptation hardly a safe bet emotionally. Of course there are exceptions but....

dumbyearbook · 25-06-2008 02:15PM

Tri wrote: »

Yep, okay. I do see your point. I still can't get my head around the moral point on this one though. I still think its wrong. As another poster said, if she was interested, she'd let him know.

People always find out about these things in the end. Be it cheating, pursuing etc. It nearly always comes out. It won't be good when it does.

I don't think getting the mutual friend involved is a good idea either. If it were me, it would be a conflict of interest and I would feel pretty uncomfortable with it.

So yeah, I see you point. But have to agree to disagree on this one. Hey, that's life, eh!;)

Cheers - I see your point too and for sure morally its wrong he should just respect her status as 'taken' - but is that really the right way to view it ie. what are the actual chances that she will be with her BF for ever?

- I also admit its a bit sly (as well as wrong) but if he lets the friend know whilst complicating it a bit it protects him (if he is subtle as I suggest and not definite in what he says just a vibe thing) hes actually not really done anything wrong in that instance just said his bit,

its a conflict of interest indeed but how many girls actually consult their friends on whether to see a guy or not? Lots and lots imo its common for girls to discuss stuff and it would come up - shes prob used to it anyway which does'nt make it right either. But the dude has this in his head and there is nothing worse than that 'what if'.

Sherifu · 25-06-2008 02:17PM

Having been there and bought the t-shirt I have no regrets. Life can be strange.

dumbyearbook · 25-06-2008 02:20PM

Hill Billy wrote: »

Not very high morals. Just the standard height.

Yeah, a lot of couples would say that when they met they were with other partners. It doesn't mean to say that they conciously broke up their existing relationships & left those partners to be with the ones that they are with now.

When I met Mrs Billy she was in a long term relationship & I was getting up on any poor unfortunate young wan I could get my hands on. Mrs Billy's relationship finished & we got together some months later. Hey presto! We were seeing other people when we met, but standard height morals were adhered to at all times.

IMO theres no set standard for a relationship and how they work there are social norms but where two people are concerned its not really possible to adhere to a standard- its beyond that you cannot measure these things. I was'nt suggesting all couples who say 'when we met we were seeing other people' (WWMWWSOP!:D) went out of their way to make it happen thats wrong, I dont think the OP should either but he can express his notions (as thats all they are at present he doesnt really know her that well)

In the hope that should she become available he might be in with a shot - hence my "nothing definite"

cowzerp · 25-06-2008 02:21PM

witnessmenow wrote: »

If shes willing to leave you for some lad that goes after her whats the point of being together?

I agree! but from my point of view, if i was single i'd see girls in relationships as out of bounds,

if girls come onto to me i would tell them im flattered as said above but in a happy relationship,

in an ideal world people would just look for other people who are looking, but people tend to want what they cant have!

Any fella in a relationship can tell you how easy it becomes to get women when your not available, bummer!

srdb20 · 25-06-2008 02:29PM

WWJD

Seriously though you either will or wont, and tbh you prob have your mind made up....

Nevyn · 25-06-2008 02:33PM

Congratulations OP you have figured out what it is you like to have in a partner beyond the superficial and now you with this new found spec list think you have found the person who for fills your new criteria, but how much of your interest in this person is that she is the first person to match up to this criteria ?

Have a think about it ?
Could she really be the only woman who does/will ?

Yes all is fair in love and war and a faint heart never won a fair maid but
all actions have consequences and have you thought the consequences through and will you be able to deal with them and what ever fall out ?

If she is happy and secure in her relationship any advances from you will be rebuffed and done properly she will be complimented by it and still come out of such an encounter thinking well of you and who knows were that may lead in the future.

Zulu · 25-06-2008 02:49PM

Interesting opinions being voiced here. A question for those who believe he should presue her - would you give this advice if the couple were married?

Just playing devils advocate here, but if not - why not? All your arguments stand.

dumbyearbook · 25-06-2008 02:56PM

Zulu wrote: »

Interesting opinions being voiced here. A question for those who believe he should presue her - would you give this advice if the couple were married?

Just playing devils advocate here, but if not - why not? All your arguments stand.

Marraige should always be respected as it is a promise to each other for ever and ever.......Theres no debate on this imo you dont talk about another guys wife!

Zulu · 25-06-2008 03:01PM

dumbyearbook wrote: »

Marraige should always be respected as it is a promise to each other for ever and ever.......

...well catholic marriage maybe, but state marriage isn't. And besides people make mistakes, rush into marriage - she could be married to the wrong person; you could be the "one" for her! ...and besides, you could argue that when going out with someone you promise to be faithful to them.

Theres no debate on this imo you dont talk about another guys wife!

Why not? What if they were engaged - is it ok then??
You see all the arguments are the same - just your sensibilities change.

cowzerp · 25-06-2008 03:05PM

dumbyearbook wrote: »

Marraige should always be respected as it is a promise to each other for ever and ever.......Theres no debate on this imo you dont talk about another guys wife!

Yeah but thats between the 2 that made the promise, to the person trying to break up a couple its all the same, i think its out of bounds but the people saying go for it should feel the same about this too.

srdb20 · 25-06-2008 03:09PM

Regardless of marriage, engagement or just a relationship... its still a ****ty thing to do, and morally its the wrong thing to do.

...OP the heart wants what the heart wants...

Predhead · 25-06-2008 03:11PM

You're dispicable. P1ss off and leave her and her fella alone.

Zulu · 25-06-2008 03:14PM

Bad attitude Predhead. He's asking for opinons on a course of action he hasn't taken yet. No need to be abusive.

Booooooo!

Beruthiel · 25-06-2008 03:14PM

Predhead wrote: »

You're dispicable. P1ss off and leave her and her fella alone.

Another comment like that from you and I'll ban you from this forum.
Read the charter.
b

nacho libre · 25-06-2008 03:23PM

i suspect most of those telling him to pursue her, would abandon the alls fair in war and love philosophy if they were the partner of the pursued.

dumbyearbook · 25-06-2008 03:25PM

cowzerp wrote: »

Yeah but thats between the 2 that made the promise, to the person trying to break up a couple its all the same, i think its out of bounds but the people saying go for it should feel the same about this too.

There is a big difference between your wife and your girlfirend (albeit some relationships, as opposed to marraiges are more serious than others)

Marriage is a promise but also its a legal thing, a relationship is'nt so imo a marraige should always be respected by any potential 'prospector' regardless of his love for another mans wife - its nowhere near the same as having a punt at a girl with a bf. Outsiders dont matter when it comes to a marriage as technically the marriage should protect any threat theres no such thing for a relationship they tend to be more volatile i suppose.

I say again you dont talk about another man's wife!

Dragan · 25-06-2008 03:30PM

Zulu wrote: »

Interesting opinions being voiced here. A question for those who believe he should presue her - would you give this advice if the couple were married?

Just playing devils advocate here, but if not - why not? All your arguments stand.

Yes.

nacho libre wrote: »

i suspect most of those telling him to pursue her, would abandon the alls fair in war and love philosophy if they were the partner of the pursued.

I have already covered my feelings on the vice-versa situation i think.

dumbyearbook · 25-06-2008 03:31PM

Zulu wrote: »

...well catholic marriage maybe, but state marriage isn't. And besides people make mistakes, rush into marriage - she could be married to the wrong person; you could be the "one" for her! ...and besides, you could argue that when going out with someone you promise to be faithful to them.
Why not? What if they were engaged - is it ok then??
You see all the arguments are the same - just your sensibilities change.

Ah your near trolling there now!....:D Marriage in the RC church C of I or by the state or any religion - is meant to be life long so we should presume asuch (otherwise its a different thread.......) Just because divorce is an option does not mean its not supposed to be life long.

The 'argument' is imo, common sense;

- married = dont go there
- GF = up to the person in the situation how they deal with it, there is no rule book for dealing with someone you like who has a BF whilst there is a rule where the girl is married.

edit

'sensibilities' is not a word!;)

LegacyUser · 25-06-2008 03:45PM

thanks for all the comments. I'd say there's a pretty even split between the people in a relationship and those not.

so a few more responses

- I'm not really at the age to worry about it yet (getting pretty close though) but I would never ever even think of trying to break up an marriage or engagement. The fact that I feel horrible about even thinking about this girl in this way should show that I'm not some testosterone charge homewrecker (although some of you seem to think otherwise)

- I realise there are people who are also just a good a fit out there but they're so very rare and probably taken anyway. Am I approaching some horrible age where all the best women are all snapped up? I don't believe in "the one" but certainly I think this is the kind of girl you only meet once every few years.

- And I'm not going for it so you can stop being mean about it now. Going to quitely pine away for her until it wears off. Although I am going to be comparing every woman I meet in the near future to her and they'll probably fail miserably.

neuro-praxis · 25-06-2008 03:45PM

It is my belief that life is short, and you should go for it. There are a few exceptions:

1. Never try to break up a couple who have a child together
2. Never interfere with a married couple
3. Never interfere if their partner is your friend: that's a betrayal of your friend

Otherwise I think it's fine, provided you do it in a non-intrusive and non-physical way. What's wrong with telling someone how you feel about them? If she's a decent girl and she feels the same way as the OP, she will break up with her bf first and get together with the OP second. Obviously her boyfriend would be hurt but that's life. If she loves her boyfriend she'll say thanks but no thanks, she'll stay with him and no harm done.

I think most posters here are very insecure. If your partner loves you they won't leave. End of.

The Hill Billy · 25-06-2008 04:03PM

niceguygonebad wrote: »

you can stop being mean about it now

Speaking for myself, it was never my intention to be mean, but honest. Good luck with finding some other bird though.

karen3212 · 25-06-2008 04:18PM

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Obviously her boyfriend would be hurt but that's life. If she loves her boyfriend she'll say thanks but no thanks, she'll stay with him and no harm done.

I think most posters here are very insecure. If your partner loves you they won't leave. End of.

I agree with this.

A girl does not belong to her boyfriend, and a boy does not belong to his girlfriend. The same with marriage, a wife/husband don't own each other.

If you are insecure in your relationship, then get your partner to reassure you. But you don't own each other, you choose to stay together because you love each other enough to stay together.

Gross Halfwit · 25-06-2008 04:24PM

I didnt read the whole thread but I read your sitch & my advice is this ...

NEVER RUB ANOTHER MAN'S RHUBARB.

Put her out of your mind & move on. What's for you won't go past you ... and boy she's gone past you.

I pursued a woman that was engaged. She was perfect & we really clicked. I asked her to leave him & she said no. They are together for a reason ... And now they are married!

Move on.

Rayven199 · 25-06-2008 04:52PM

neuro-praxis wrote: »

It is my belief that life is short, and you should go for it. There are a few exceptions:

1. Never try to break up a couple who have a child together
2. Never interfere with a married couple
3. Never interfere if their partner is your friend: that's a betrayal of your friend

Otherwise I think it's fine, provided you do it in a non-intrusive and non-physical way. What's wrong with telling someone how you feel about them? If she's a decent girl and she feels the same way as the OP, she will break up with her bf first and get together with the OP second. Obviously her boyfriend would be hurt but that's life. If she loves her boyfriend she'll say thanks but no thanks, she'll stay with him and no harm done.

I think most posters here are very insecure. If your partner loves you they won't leave. End of.

Couldnt agree more! That was the point I was trying to make earlier,think I came off wrong though!

event · 25-06-2008 04:52PM

karen3212 wrote: »

I agree with this.

A girl does not belong to her boyfriend, and a boy does not belong to his girlfriend. The same with marriage, a wife/husband don't own each other.

If you are insecure in your relationship, then get your partner to reassure you. But you don't own each other, you choose to stay together because you love each other enough to stay together.

i understand that people dont own each other, and that people are free to choose to be with whoever they want

but to actively pursue someone who you know who is in a relationship, i believe that is morally wrong and a shítty thing to do.

Pursue girl with a boyfriend?

Comments